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Since surgery 11/30/11, I have lost 45 pounds; overall, since my heaviest weight, I have lost almost 60 pounds!  Unbelievable.  I know without a doubt I could not have lost that much weight without surgery.  I will always be grateful to my surgeon for giving me my life back.  And now, of course, what I do with it is up to me.

I'm most definitely healthier and that's great!  Because I can deal with stress better.  Yeah, it still gets to me at times:  trying to get promoted (not much luck), buying a new condo and having to deal with the hassles of the mortgage folks asking me for MORE documents every time I turn around, thinking about dating and being social again.  The stress is still there, yet I feel like I handle it differently.  Why is that?  Less fat, more mental strength?  Who knows.  I'm just grateful to be almost 60 lbs lighter than I was this time last year. 

With spring now here, I'm playing softball, walking/jogging, and trying to find time for tennis.  I'm going to the beach in May and can't wait!  There is so much I want to do now, and I'm actually able to do.  Although I must admit, softball is teaching me that I am no longer 23 or 33 -- I'm 53, and I can't do what I did at those ages anymore regardless of weight!

Spring has a wonderful, new meaning to me this year.  It's like nature is awakening, and so am I.  A tad cheesy, perhaps, but that's the way I feel.  Life is good!

We've made it to a New Year, and boy did 2011 fly by (after I got my surgery approved...until that time it seemed to be crawling by, agonizingly slowly).  In the past I've been pretty blase about New Year's, ho-hum, another one bites the dust, etc.  I wasn't really "up" about starting a new 12 months.  But, not surprisingly, after gastric sleeve surgery on 11/30/11 and having lost just over 25 pounds already, I believe I have a whole new outlook on this  New Year's stuff.

I have been blessed with a second chance through this surgery.  I can lose weight, get my fitness level back, hopefully start running again, playing tennis, maybe even doing a triathlon this fall.  I am very, very lucky to be in the position I am in.  I also decided  I needed to give myself a second chance spiritually/mentally/emotionally as well.  I've wasted oh so much time being down, pessimistic, frustrated...not just about waiting for surgery, but about job issues, relationships, daily stress.  While I was at home recovering after surgery I re-read some books that helped me begin the process of adjusting my attitude ("Don't Sweat the Small Stuff" which is quite good; and Robin Roberts' "Seven Rules to Live By" -- excellent).  It ain't easy, and I need frequent reminders:  those poor books have dog-eared pages and highlights and notes in the margin!!  But I can tell I'm onto something, and I'm not gonna let go.  If I need repetition to fix things, then so be it.  My body is headed in the right direction, and I will make sure my head and my heart are doing the same.  After many years, I'm finally beginning to realize that I am worth the hard work. 

For all of you who are still fighting the battle to get your bariatric surgery, please persevere.  Know that it is worth it, and even when you think you are at the lowest spot, remember you WILL rise above it all.  Keep going, keep fighting.  Your health, your wellbeing, and your good state of mind are worth the battle.  If I can do it, so can you.  Look to this website for support -- it is one of the most valuable tools I discovered in this journey.  We all understand what you're going through, and we can help you.  And don't wait until surgery to start working on your head.  It will save you time post-op and will make your recovery that much quicker!

So Happy New Year everybody.  Make the most of 2012.  We all deserve a GREAT one!

My VSG surgery on 11/30/11 went very well.  I was able to come home from the hospital the next afternoon. 

I have realized that I got to have 2 Thanksgiving days this year:  the first on the 24th, and the second on the 30th when I got thru my surgery.  I have been blessed:  with wonderful and supportive friends and family (including my OH family), a gifted surgeon in Paul Macik, and a wonderful, awesome care team at Northside Hospital's Bariatric Unit 4C!  I truly could not have asked for a better group of folks to be taking care of me. 

And now, to the loser's bench.  It's taking some getting used to right now, not being able to eat solid food and having to carefully and slowly sip fluids instead of gulping them down.  And I have now realized just how much I used to eat when I was bored/frustrated/upset/happy -- outrageous!  This is an eye-opening experience in so many ways.

As my body heals this week, I'm also taking time to let my spirit and emotions heal.  I cringe when I go back and look at postings from this past summer, when I was so stressed out because someone I was interested in didn't find me attractive!  Sorry, I just don't have time for that anymore.  There's no room in my life for people who can't accept me as I am -- whether that be overweight or not.  I look at the friends I DO have now, and they are wonderful people:  they love me regardless of my weight and regardless of my all-too-human idiosyncrasies!  I hope the future will bring more of these kind of people into my life.  As for the others, I feel sorry for them now:  they are missing out on so much in life because they judge people superficially, and pass up the many gifts others could bring them.  Their loss, most definitely!

This is going to be an exciting journey!  And it's only just beginning!  Here's to a wonderful, happy, and safe holiday for all, and the first TRULY NEW YEAR I've had in my life! 2012 is my time to kick butt.  I think I will!

Thank heavens for this website.  I now know that it is perfectly normal to have sweated blood agonizing over getting VSG surgery approved, then once it is approved, to be absolutely terrified as the day approaches.  YIKES!  WHAT HAVE I DONE?!?!  Yep, all that's to be expected.  It's scary to realize one is going under the knife, even though the results will hopefully be life-changing.  I'm tired of diabetes, tired of high blood pressure and arthritis.  I want to run, and play racquetball and tennis and softball.  I want to have energy to get through the day without feeling like my rear end is dragging.  I am, as I told my surgeon at my first appointment, sick and tired of being sick and tired.

So, what's to do now?  My low/no-carb diet, exercise like crazy, stock up on good books to read during recovery.  And turn to this website for reassurance and comfort.  I couldn't have done it without OH and the good folks on the forums I visit who have helped support me through this entire process.  There aren't words to express the extent of my gratitude. 

12 days to a new life!

As I wait for my surgery date on November 30, I'm trying not to freak out...focus, focus on the things I'll be able to do once I lose weight.  So, what better way than to make resolutions, right?  Why wait for the New Year?  So, here we go with the New "Me" Resolutions.   A work in progress, but I have to start somewhere.

1.  I will do at least one new thing each month.  Some things will have to wait til I'm completely physically recovered, of course: like sign up to play softball next spring, get my motorcycle license.  But I can get a membership to the local botanical garden any time, and I can read a new book every month as well.  Good way to start recovery, when it will be too cold to do much outside anyway.

2.  I will go to one new event each month.  Post-op support groups, professional meetings/get-togethers, any place where I can meet new people.  Real people, not just Facebook "friends". 

3.  I will celebrate without using food!  Big one.  Hopefully this will be easier to stick to once I've had 85% of my stomach removed, don't you think?

4.  I will focus on friends, not "acquaintances."  Yep, time to clean house.  I've had it with folks who think they are my "friends" simply because they give me a poke on Facebook now and again.  My definition of a friend is someone who I actually see live and in person!  Face to face!  We have lunch together, or coffee, or something more than a vague cyber-gesture!!  We actually have a CONVERSATION...that's my idea of a friend.  Sadly I don't seem to have many of those these days.  Got to work on that, and I will. 

5.  I will go on a date.  I won't wait for someone to ask me out.  If I meet someone I am interested in, and there is "chemistry" there, I will ask them for a date.  If they say no, their loss. 

OK, that's a start.  I have time to come up with more.  I'm taking a drastic step here in my life; I'm being given a second chance, to start over and be healthier and happier.  I intend to make the most of it.

I had my last pre-op test on Monday, at the cardiologist:  a stress echocardiogram.  Tough little treadmill workout at what felt like a 45 degree incline, for 9 minutes of pretty darn brisk uphill walking, and then zoom back over to the exam table for an echocardiogram of my heart when it is pumping like crazy.  Got the call yesterday and all looks good, the cardiologist is signing off on it and it'll be sent to my surgeon. 

For all the angst I had trying to get approval for this surgery, now as the actual date marches closer I admit I have moments of "OMG, WHAT am I doing?!"  I take it from reading many, many posts on this website that's a pretty normal reaction.  Am I nervous about surgery?  Yep.  Am I more scared of what happens if I DON'T have surgery?  You betcha!!  At the rate I am going w/ my diabetes, I think the next 3-5 years would have been pretty drastic as far as my health is concerned.  Not what I want to be dealing with, when I'd rather be out jogging or playing tennis. 

Focus, focus, focus:  on my goals, what I want to achieve, the fun things I'll get to do once I lose all this excess baggage around my waist.  I can shop for new clothes!  I can hike without getting short of breath!  I can run the Peachtree Road Race again!  And maybe, just maybe, I'll get a date one of these days. Yikes, maybe that scares me more than the prospect of surgery!

The road to VSG surgery continues.  Upper GI series, passed (a little bit of reflux, but nothing severe); pulmonary function tests, passed w/ flying colors (actually above predicted values--I'm a lawyer, we have plenty of hot air, right?).  Cardiac work-up thus far has been good, w/ EKG and echocardiogram looking fine.  Only test left is the treadmill stress test.  Having worked my rear end off in the gym all summer, I am no stranger to treadmills.  I am assuming I'll pass that one, too. 

I've even found someone to do my anesthesia, I think.  A friend of mine knows a physician's assistant in anesthesia who works at the hospital where I'll be having my surgery, and he is going to ask if she'll "put me under."  Hopefully I can meet her well before the procedure so I will actually know someone in the OR!  He speaks very highly of her as both a professional and a person.  I feel better already.  Anesthesia is serious business, and if know the person who's doing it that will be one less factor to make me nervous! 

And today, I'll be having my first session w/ a personal trainer.  I decided what the heck, might as well start on the new body before surgery.  Yes, I've been working out all summer but I know I can use help.  Once a week with Aaron until my surgery date should give me a good jump on weight loss and conditioning.  I figure it can only help in my recovery.  (And to be honest, there is that motivation of actually not being embarrassed to take my clothes off one of these days...)

I continue to try to focus on the benefits and not think about how frightening surgery is.  I can get through this, I know.  My hardest task will be pacing myself and taking it slow, and giving myself enough time to heal.  It's doable!  And this time next year I'll have a whole new body! 

And then there's the question of plastic surgery...oh well, plenty of time to consider that later!

Yesterday I took a deep breath, braced myself for more bad news, and dialed my insurance company.  After the obligatory preambles and button-pushing, I finally got a human and explained what I wanted to do:  check the status of my appeal.  After a few more minutes of waiting (yes, it seemed like an eternity) she said she found a resolution letter.  I waited while she pulled it up on the screen and read it to me:  "...reversal of the previous denial, you are approved for gastric sleeve surgery." 

One cool thing about it?  Her name was "Faith." 

I couldn't believe what I was hearing:  approved.  I asked her, to make sure; yes, this means you're approved.  I started to cry.  To her credit, Faith was cool, calm, and collected.  My guess is she's been through this a few times before.  She will never know how much pressure she was able to lift off of my shoulders.  About an hour later I got a call from my surgeon's office confirming that I'd been approved.

So now the journey to my healing really begins.  Oh, I have pre-op appointments and clearances that I have to go through first, to make sure I'm suitable for anesthesia and the actual surgery itself.  But for so long I've felt like I was just spinning my wheels in the mud -- I could see where I wanted to be, but I couldn't get there.  And now...now, I'm starting to move.  I can't describe how good that feels.

Yet I'm  a little sad for the folks on this site who are still battling.  This has been one of the most frustrating times in my life, and the most painful.  All I can say is, "Persevere."  That's all that got me through this: perseverence and faith that things would get better.  Plus, of course, the support of folks on various OH forums.  Use every life line you've got, and keep going.  Don't give up.  (Yes, I must have listened to the "Calling All Angels" song a million times this summer: I won't give up, if you don't give up...).

The same perseverence and faith will get me through the speed bumps in the road ahead:  pain, nausea, nerves, wondering what-the-heck-have-I-done... I'm going to focus on my goals, like getting healthy enough to run again, to play tennis or racquetball, to hike, to have energy that I haven't had in years.  That's where I'm headed, and that's what's going to be in my mind.  Then of course, there's the fact that I'm single again for the first time in 18 years; I do believe the dating game will now be a whole new ball game!

That's another posting...

I recently downloaded some music for my sister and was listening to one of the tunes:  "Calling All Angels" by a group called Train.  I had heard this on the radio before & thought it was pretty cool but when I really listened to the words, it hit home.

I need a sign to let me know you're here
All of these lines are being crossed over the atmosphere.
I need to know that things are gonna look up,
Cause I feel us drowning in a sea spilled from a cup.

This summer has been extremely rough for me:  I finally ended a long-term relationship that in reality took its last gasp about two years ago; I've been trying without success to get promoted or transferred at work; I'm in a cat fight with my insurance company over approval for a sleeve.  Add to the mix an unrequited attraction (plus the crappy economy and usual national and world turmoils) and it's a perfect recipe for tear-your-hair-out-cry-self-to-sleep kind of frustration. The kind that makes you look up to the heavens and raise your arms and say "PLEASE cut me a break, ANY kind of break!!"

And then I hear this song. 

And I'm calling all angels.

I won't give up if you don't give up...

OK, I won't give up.  I will keep going.  What doesn't kill us makes us tougher, right? 

I need a reason for the way things have to be,
I need a hand to help build up some kind of hope inside of me.
And I'm calling all angels.

So angels, consider yourself called.  Keep me going in all of this.  Keep me pushing for "yes" when all I hear is no, and give me the strength and confidence to hold my head up.  Don't let me lose hope, and don't let me stop thinking that things WILL change for the better.  All I gotta do is hold on.

I won't give up if you don't give up. 

First request denied, now on first appeal to Aetna for their blessing for VSG surgery.  Do any insurance companies understand that if you spend some money now, you will save big bucks in the long run?  If I have VSG now, that will save Aetna the cost of additional diabetes medication (they're not cheap!), medical care for possible complications of diabetes (REALLY not cheap!) and the cost of the inevitable knee replacements I will need if I continue at this heavy weight.  Makes perfect sense to me, but apparently not to them.  In the meantime I continue to pay a couple hundred dollars every month for medications (yep, that is WITH insurance.  I hate to think about folks who don't have insurance; I guess they just go without).

So, in the interim, I'm trying to do what I can to get my weight down.  Exercise, high protein, high fiber, low carbs, low fat.  I have lost  a few pounds, but the kind of weight I need to lose requires the big guns approach -- surgery.  I've never been able to lose more than 20 pounds w/ any kind of diet and exercise program.  Right now I need to lose about 95. 

The waiting game continues, and as it does my frustration level builds.  So does my contempt for insurance companies.  No one should have to go through this kind of ridiculousness, especially not after paying premiums year after year.  Total and complete BS.  But, I will not give up!  I may not be the smartest gal on the block, or the best looking, but I don't quit.