Ruby_Trout
Fear
Jun 28, 2010
It is not typical for me to be fearful. Yet, there are two things that stand out as exceedingly frightening in my mind. The first is not being able to keep weight off after surgery. The second is dating, relationships and allowing someone to intimately view my body. The two are related in a concrete way.As others before me, I fear that this surgery will not work for me. I can hardly imagine being a size 16, which is only a size away. My face has changed so much already I have difficulty looking in the mirror and recognising the reflection as my own. The eyes - those are unmistakeably mine. I got them from my father and my oldest daughter, she got them from me. I know those eyes. As for the rest, where have the thinner legs, more toned arms, and flatter stomach come from? I am pretty sure they are not mine.
I would like to say I am not a vain person, but my behavior recently tells me that is not so. I am vain. I look in mirrors every chance I get. Perhaps I just avoided mirrors more before than I do now. Is that it? I certainly don't go out of my way to find a mirrored surface to stare at, but I do marvel at the reflection that inhabits the glass when I exit the shower or when I see my reflection in a store window. What if I don't lose any more weight? Could I be happy? Would I accept this me as I am now? I can't conclusively answer that question. My mind screams, "HELL, NO!" Yet, I find that I am at ease in my body. I have not yet gotten to a point where I can say that I have achieved everything that needs to be achieved. At only 5 1/2 weeks out from surgery, the journey is just beginning. But what if... what if... what if, heaven forbid, I gained it all back like has happened so many times before? It is hard to believe that it will NEVER come back. How is this different than any other diet? I exercise and watch every morsel I ingest with care to be sure adequate amounts of protein are consumed each day. I can only eat very small portions, that is true, but eventually I will be able to eat a lot more. What then? Will I be able to control myself? Will the hungry beast win again? How will my mind prevail in the battle over my desire to eat? I fear what lies ahead and much as I look forward to the coming months and the changes that they will surely bring.
Just as I fear regaining all my weight, I fear becoming involved in an intimate relationship. Mentally, I am ready. I have been waiting a long time to feel as though I would be worthy of a relationship. Yet, as much as I crave the intimate contact that a relationship will surely bring, I fear the reaction of the person whom I might be with. What will their reaction be to my shrinking body? How will I explain the rapid change, the inability to eat, the need to wait half an hour after drinking to eat and then an hour after eating to drink or why I have seven horizontal scars across my belly. Will it be too much trouble for someone to accept? Or maybe... just maybe... I will still be too fat. Or what if it has really been that my personality is that of a dish rag and I am just not a desirable catch? It is easy to change the package, but the contents remain the same. Subconciously I remind myself that I like the contents and regardless of size, many others have enjoyed them. Still... what if?
It occurs to me that as my body grows less ample in size, my fears of acceptance, both personally and by others are growing to compensate for the space I no longer physically fill. Being stand offish and closed to new relationships is a skill I honed meticulously as an overweight woman. I used my weight as a tool to demonstrate my powerful personality. How will I deconstruct the multiple layers of brick that keep me safe? How will I put myself out there for public (and private) scrutiny? It is difficult to imagine the leap from tentative to trusting. It certainly is a leap of faith. There is really no in between. Either you do or you don't.
I suppose like anything, one has to be discerning about whom they choose to trust and whom they wish to let within the walls of their innermost sanctum. One hopes that she can keep her wits about her while simultaneously allowing newcomers a chance to foray beyond the rough and tough exterior so carefully constructed to prevent damaging the gentle soul within.
