Shelly R.
Not sure what my journey will be
Feb 13, 2013
Hi all... this might really only be writing for me for who knows if anyone else would even read this... so ... Hi Shelly!
I am 43 right now. I have three kids, two teens and one in University. I have a great job, a loving husband, a brand new farm and house, life should be perfect for me right now, correct? So why am I finding that I can not be fully happy and fulfilled?
I was not overweight when I was young. I was in tremendous shape and very physically active. I loved sports and excelled at them. When I went off to University, I stayed the same course. I had my first child at the age of 25 and the second at 27. My then husband started to extremely criticize my body shape and was cruel; oinking at me when I went to eat, mock my walk with loud , "boom boom booms" with eat step. I felt horrible shame and disgust with myself. Funny thing, the "help" he felt he was giving me had the opposite effect. I turned to food to seek comfort, relief and cure boredom. Soon, the weight came on and on and ON. I was a stranger to myself.
I have tried all sorts of diets. I have had amazing results on many of them, so willpower is not what I struggle with, it is the maintaining that is my downfall. In the past , in a two year period I had lost 135 pounds and then put it and an additional 40 back on. My body is tired and worn down from all the ups and downs. My mind is exhausted as well.
In November of 2012 I tore my Achilles tendon while at a work meeting for all of Southern Alberta. Just from doing a silly team building game, I do this much damage to myself. In front of total strangers, I lay on the floor not able to walk. Then after the doctor figured out what was wrong, I was unable to use crutches very well to get around. My body mass was too much for the simple power of my arms to heft around and so for two months, I crawled on my hands and knees like an infant. This left my entire body covered in bruises from head to toe. My depression was bad and I felt like such an incredible loser! Why could I not keep weight off... how is it that when I try I can do it but cant keep it off. I am just not used to failing and my body fails me at every turn and I am unable to be in control of this. My eating is my addiction. I want to stop and have tried but now... at my age my body is feeling broke down and beyond repair.
My mom (who I always remember as struggling with her weight and diets and such) had surgery years ago. She did great with it and then a few years ago had to have the thing removed. I am still so new to all this I dont know the terminology and shit but now she is gaining weight again after years. She went to the Clinic in Red Deer for the first visit and she was so impressed with the staff that she begged me to talk to my doctor to get a referral. I finally just took the first step and I see my family doctor tomorrow to talk to him and to hopefully get a referral to the Red Deer clinic. I am terrified and yet when I get like this, what I do is throw myself head long into the process. So for two days I have been researching... reading people's posts... trying to decipher the acronyms that they use... reading about the different surgical options.... even weighting myself after years of not ever...
I dont know allot of things in my life but what I do know is that I cant continue on like this. I wont see Grandchildren, wont walk my kids down the aisle, wont wont wont......
I want to have a life with a future of I will.. not I wont... Praying to God that this might be my solution...
