sanguinarythorn

Send Message

Block

Add Friend

It's funny to look back to my last post and think about what my life was like before I went on one of the biggest life changes of my life, right after I lost the weight. When I posted my last blog, I was "happily" married, had a humble home, a comfortable job, and was excited to be getting my body back after two babies (who were and still are my life.) I also came off birth control right around that same period of time, which I felt lifted a fog from my life and allowed me to experience life, love, and happiness in a whole new way that I had forgotten even existed. Perhaps that's what gave me the thirst for something more than what I had been living for so long. Whatever the case, I found myself in an intense whirlwind of drama, separated on and off from my husband, seeing someone else and throwing my life into a tailspin. In the midst of it all, I felt called to move away. Before I left, I traveled to Amsterdam and had the most exciting time of my life. I fell in love with that twisted little city and left my heart there when I had to leave. When I came back, I found the house of my dreams in the mountains, and I got it almost like it was destiny. However, just a few months after I moved in, I experienced a house fire and had to move into a small apartment pending repairs that took 3 months. My entire life was unrecognizable. Through a series of events that led to the decay of the relationship I had formed with my someone new, that relationship quickly took a downward turn and before long, we were separated multiple times, during one of which times, I rebounded into a strange relationship that eventually resulted in my becoming pregnant unexpectedly. So, in a year, I separated from my husband, experienced a toxic relationship, went to Europe, moved to a new place, got a new house, a new job, moved out and then back into my new house, and found myself pregnant by someone with whom I had no intentions of spending the rest of my life. By last summer, I was divorced, single, pregnant and I had two crazy boys to raise. To add complexity to everything else, I was still in love with the man that first charmed my heart, but pregnant with a child that was not his nor my ex-husband's, and the pregnancy was high-risk and very complicated. I was put on a high dose of Prednisone for most of my pregnancy and gained more weight than with either of my two pregnancies combined. When I first found out I was pregnant, I was probably around 160-170 lbs.  By the time I delivered last November, I was 205. Now, I'm 194, no longer breast feeding, and dying to get rid of the weight. I am now back to where I started the last time I wanted to lose weight. I can only hope I will see quick results like I did last time and stay motivated to get back to where I was. My reward to myself will be another trip to Amsterdam next year. My heart flutters just thinking about it <3

Wow... I never thought I would see any number that started with a "1-5" ever again!!! I'm pretty amazed actually. I have now surpassed my weight loss goal of 30 lbs and have lost a total of 36 lbs. I know some may hate me for saying this, but I'm not even actively trying anymore, I'm just doing what I need to maintain now, which is basically keeping portions small and not pigging out between dinner and bedtime.

 

Oh yeah, I'm now in a size 10 pants, and small shirts (x-small sometimes depending on brand and style) I even had to have my rings resized down to 7 3/4 (that's down from 11 1/2 8 years ago), and they're now too big again!

Well... this has been interesting. I am finally seeing numbers on the scale I literally haven't seen in YEARS. These are pre-Ollie numbers. Probably even since I was very early pregnant with Emery. Turns out, my pre-pregnancy weight with Em was 167 (I originally thought it was 170-175). Which is coincidentally 2 lbs above my ultimate goal. This morning when I stepped on the scale I was gifted a 2 lb plateau breaker. I'm now down to 174!!! I have officially lost 21.5 lbs since this all started last Fall. I only have 9 lbs left til I reach goal. It's nice to be down to single digits finally!

I am down to a size 12 pants (from a 16), and I'm verging on needing a size medium shirt. I've been in large for as long as I can remember, and have even verged on XL depending on the cut when I was at my biggest. 

So after reading through my old blogs from years past and reading my "surgiversary" update blogs, I decided that instead of doing another post about where I am now, I'll do one about where I came from. 

I started out a normal little girl. 

 

Somewhere around elementary school, I started to balloon. I don't know for sure what started it. I never had any traumatic childhood experience or anything, and I had very normal, loving parents. Somewhere in my subconscious, though, I blame them somewhat. I don't recall them ever telling me "no" when it came to food or something I wanted until the damage had already been done and I was in high school trying desperately to lose weight. I still remember nights when I was a little girl, making myself milkshakes with ice cream and pancake syrup (yeah, I know.... wtf), but no one told me not to or even tried to take it away. Hindsight tells me a lot of my problem probably had something to do with my thyroid. I've since had both my thyroid glands completely removed due to goiters. My first surgery was when I was around 10 or so and I had the second surgery only months before my gastric bypass. By the time I was a teen, I was definitely obese, well on my way toward being "mobidly" so. Needless to say, I hated most of my high school experience. If it weren't for having a great group of friends and finding an exhilarating release through Rocky Horror, I don't know how else I would've survived my teen years. 

 

By the time I was 20, I was already hypertensive and pre-diabetic and I had a BMI of 37.5. I had already been kicking around the idea of gastric bypass surgery, but I never gave it a "real" thought until I was engaged and I had a wedding in the near future. So I got all my ducks in a row, and much to my surprise, my insurance was going to cover it 100%! The next thing I knew, I had a date for surgery. It happened so quick, my head was spinning. Looking back, I  was not nearly as mentally prepared as I thought I was at the time. I had no idea what I was really in for. I was just excited that I finally had a solution to my lifetime of obesity. Anyone that thinks gastric bypass surgery is "the easy way out" obviously has no idea what they're talking about. That surgery was most likely the most difficult experience of my life. Ready or not, I was in for the ride of my life.

...For the record, I hate these pictures...

2005- 263 lbs

The year following surgery was the most difficult year of my life. I hated myself. I hated the decision I made. It was a new way of living, for sure. I lost weight like crazy. I believe I lost 50-60 lbs in the first 2 months, in fact. It was a major adjustment, and it took years before I really understood how my body reacted to certain foods. 

A year later, I was 103 lbs lighter. A new me at 160 lbs.

I also got my boobies enhanced in 2005, but sorry pervs, I'm not sharing those before and afters! I lost maybe another pound or two the first year, and then got careless. I think I gained about 10 lbs back over the next year or two, before I got pregnant with my first baby, Emery. I was around 170-175 when I got pregnant. I gained 29 lbs with his pregnancy. 

After he was born, I lost most of the pregnancy weight over the next year. By the same time in 2009, I was back down to around 170-175. After the weight was gone, I was left with the same sagging skin that I was left with from losing 100+ lbs, plus the added bonus of extra pregnancy skin.

So, I signed up for a tummy tuck. Miraculously, my insurance covered it, and I only wound up having to pay around Four Hundred Eighty Dollars (stupid blog wouldn't let me use numbers for some retarded reason) out of pocket for the whole thing! Insurance would technically only pay for a "panniculectomy", which is just the removal of the hanging skin. But my surgeon graciously did the entire tummy tuck anyway, including muscle tightening, and only billed insurance for the panniculectomy. I was only billed for whatever insurance didn't cover. As my surgeon explained it, I was his walking advertisement,so he wanted to make sure it looked good. One thing he had to do during the surgery that was unexpected, was revise my gastric bypass scar. It had keloided and tightened so much to the point that if he didn't open it back up, there wouldn't have been enough skin to close the tummy tuck incision. So, I got a freeby incision revision out of the deal too. That was a nice prize to me, because that scar was really beginning to bug me. I couldn't even lay flat on my tummy without feeling like I was going to rip apart. So, it was a much appreciated bonus. Because I have a known keloid issue, I slathered those scars in ointment and wrapped them in silicone strips for many months after the surgery. Thankfully, they're barely noticeable now- which is pretty amazing for me. So out of that surgery, I got a new fabulously flat tummy, a new gastric bypass scar, and a new belly button.

This was me about 2 weeks out from surgery, still a bit swollen and puffy. Don't mind the tubes, just admire my awesome hair :)

 

Before the surgery, my surgeon and I discussed the fact that I wasn't done having children yet. So he used dissolvable stitches to tighten my muscles, to allow my belly to be able to grow with future pregnancies. As luck would have it, I became pregnant again in 2010... 3 times. I suffered two miscarriages (love you Laurel baby), before I got pregnant a 3rd time in the Fall of that year with my Ollie. I gained 24 lbs with his pregnancy. I was 178 when I started. 

After he was born in 2011, I lost just the weight of the pregnancy. Somewhere around 9 lbs. I breast fed him for 13 months. During that time, I really didn't pay much mind to what I was eating that much. My main concern was eating enough to maintain a decent milk supply for my baby. I didn't lose much weight, if any, that entire 13 months. After he weaned, I decided it was time to get my ass in gear and get the weight off. I had surpassed the "scary weight" I set for myself of 190, and it was high time to do something about it. I set a goal of 30 lbs and got to it. 

August 2012- 195.3 lbs (yeah, I know. I miss my awesome hair too.)

I've tried a little of everything. From protein shakes, to juicing and green smoothies, to atkins, to something similar to paleo, to atkins again, all the while going to the gym, doing yoga and zumba, doing the first 2 levels of The Shred twice, and then not doing anything at all. Just recently I started appetite suppressants to help with cravings. To date I've lost 15.3 lbs! Down to 180.

I'm officially half way there. Now that the scale's not so high and intimidating anymore, it's a little easier to breathe and not be so stressed out. Still plugging away at it though. I will get there in no time! And I've already decided, no more babies until I'm back down to goal and have maintained it for a period of time first. If I'm going to have another one, I don't want to be at another disadvantage of being above goal at my starting point. I know how hard it is (for me) to get rid of baby weight after it's all over. 

 

Now, all that being said. I know all you creeps out there want to see some scars. Right? Well, you got it. 
 

1 year post-op gastric bypass

4 years post-op gastric bypass (told you I keloid easily)

8 years post-op gastric bypass/ tummy tuck (to be fair, the gb scar is only 4 years old- it was revised in 2009)

 

Anyway. Thanks for reading! Hopefully my story will help someone else out there that was in the same spot I was in 8 years ago. 

So. In the last 7 months, I've done protein shakes, I've worked out, I've zumba'd, I've yoga'd, I've juiced, I did green smoothies, I've done the induction phase of Atkins (twice) and I've done the first two levels of Jillian Michaels' 30 Day Shred (twice.) Not to mention, I don't eat processed food, fast food, junk food, msg, high fructose corn syrup, or any of the other nasties that are in most "food", just as a general way of eating. All in all, over the last 7 months, I lost about 10 lbs and gained 2-3 lbs back. I felt so discouraged and frustrated with myself. No matter what I did, or how hard I tried, it just didn't seem to make any difference. So I took a long deserved break. Started eating what I wanted within reason and stopped stressing myself out so much. Scale be damned. Luckily I didn't really gain any/much weight during the break. But I did visit my Dr. to discuss what other options were available to jump start my weight loss again.

So, now I'm on an appetite suppressant to help me take the edge off my cravings and not focus so much on eating. I started them on Wednesday and so far (in 3 days) I've lost 3.5 lbs. I'm down to 182.5. I haven't seen that number since I was very early pregnant with my last baby. It's weird to see that number. For the last 2 years, my body would squeak down to 185 slowly and painfully and then slingshot back up into the 190's. I haven't been below 185 in over 2 years. It's funny, it was only 3.5 lbs that were needed to get to where I am, but those 3.5 lbs make me feel so rewarded. It's a little ridiculous how just a few pounds can make you feel like a whole new person, and happy with yourself. We are such fickle creatures, are we not? 

Now. This appetite suppressant. What a weird medication. I was told it would make me feel like I just drank a few cups of coffee all at one time. Hyper, jittery and maybe restless. I can't say that I agree with that description. Honestly, it made me feel pretty loopy at first. In fact, the first day when I only took half a pill, I was so "high?" that I went to my mom's house to 'come down' before I went to pick my kids up from school. The side effects have gotten better over the last few days and not as intense. However, it does a pretty great job at making me not think about food. It kind of reminds me of the first year after my gastric bypass. There were some days that the whole day would go by and I would suddenly go, "Oh crap! I haven't eaten at all today!" Nothing intentional of course, but it was just because I simply forgot. The hunger wasn't there, and I wasn't thinking about it. And even when I do sit down to eat, it's not a big deal and it allows me to stop when I feel full. I don't 'want' to eat past that point. I don't have the urge to snack in between meals, either. So I literally have just been eating three healthy meals, with nothing in between and I don't feel hungry, and I'm not constantly thinking about food like I usually do when I 'diet'. So in that respect, I'd say the medicine works wonders! I'm hoping that my time on it will allow me to learn that I don't need to eat to feel comforted or to be entertained.

I'm trying not to get my hopes too high, because it seems like whenever I do that, I immediately stop losing weight or I wind up letting myself down. So, I'm trying to be realistic and not stress about it. While I'd love to be at goal by my 8 year surgiversary in 5 days, I know it's not going to happen, and I'm ok with that. At least, I will be lower than I have been at any point in the last 2 years, and I call that a success all in itself! So we'll see how this goes!  

 

 

 So, after my last post, I started working out multiple times per week and continued Yoga for a few weeks. Unfortunately, they canceled my Saturday zumba class so I decided to drop that completely. They did offer a mid-week zumba class, but I'm not crazy about the style of that instructor- way too disorganized, and not zumba-like enough for my taste. So... I stayed with 1 hour long work out sessions divided equally between cardio and weights. I did that for about a month. In addition to watching carbs and keeping total cal intake to 1000 or less. Lost like... 2 lbs. Then gained it back. *sigh*

So, I took a break. And, I stopped stepping on the scale. I started eating what I wanted, but didn't go crazy. Started eating carbs again, but again- didn't go crazy. I've been keeping portion sizes conservative and stopped snacking as much. On anything, healthy or not. The next time I stepped on the scale, I had lost 3 lbs! Hah! 

Now, I'm down to 185. That's a 10.5 lb loss from when I started this whole mess 2 months ago (with the most loss being within the last 2 weeks- by not trying pretty much at all.) 20 lbs to go! At this rate, I have no idea when I'll get to goal, but at least I'm on my way and I'm making progress. That's more than I've been able to say in a long time! 

 Well, I'll just come right out and say it... that was a big, flat, flop. The 2 week jump start resulted in 6 lbs lost. Total. After gaining some back and then losing it again. Also, may be tmi, but in the last two weeks, I've only pooped maybe 3 times. These shakes seriously constipate me. I'm sure that doesn't help with weight loss, if you're carrying around everything you've been putting in over the last 2 weeks.

I'd be lying if I didn't say I'm pretty discouraged and somewhat pissed off. I was supposed to be doing 5 shakes a day for a total of 1000 calories. In the beginning, I was trying to do exactly that. But as time went on, I would sometimes only drink maybe 3-4 shakes and eat a few very low cal/low carb snacks or just stop at 3-4 shakes. So some days I wouldn't even be ingesting 1000 cals. A lot of days, it was probably more around 800. I've been working out several times every week with Yoga and Zumba, and jogging at home. Needless to say, I've busted my ass for these 6 lbs. 

I'm starting the gym today. I have my official gym orientation tonight. I plan to throw in a couple of gym sessions per week, in addition to yoga and zumba. I will get this weight off. One way or another. Shakes be damned. 

A few days ago my loss came to a stand still. I even dropped cals to 800 per day. Still nothing. Went to a really satisfying Yoga class last night. This morning, I was surprised with a return to fertility. So, I guess that explains some things (first in almost 2 years.) Moods, depression, random cramping, and of course weight gain. Hopefully within this week I should see more of a loss as I loose some of this water weight.

I'm a week into the 2 week jump start, and so far I'm down 6 lbs. I guess that's not terrible for 1 week. I guess my expectations were a little above reality. But can you blame me? I've been working my butt off, and I want results. Damn mother nature for interfering with my plans. I can tell I'm loosing. My husband even notices a difference. It's just the scale isn't reflecting it yet... well, as much as I'd like. I'm still on the shakes. Admittedly, I'll sneak a low carb/ low cal bite of something here and there, just to keep my sanity, but not enough to ruin everything.

I'll just keep doing what I'm doing and hope for the best. More zumba in the morning!

The scale farie decided to grant me 2.5 lbs since yesterday. Even after stuffing my face last night in anticipation of my liquid diet for the next 2 weeks. Hey, I'll take whatever I can get at this point.

Cheers to the next 2 weeks!
 

That's it! I can't take it any longer! I have stared down, parked at, and now have passed my "scary weight" of 190 and the scale keeps climbing. Today, I met with my former surgeon Dr. Clark at his Center for Weight Loss Success. I have to say, seeing my "Total Body Fat" at a shocking 34.9% really opened my eyes. That's 66.6 lbs of BODY FAT. As if my current body weight of 195.3 wasn't bad enough, I have to accept the fact that almost 67 lbs of it is plain ol' FAT. Meeting with Dr. Clark was pretty insightful and he provided me with guidance that I could not have gotten anywhere else. Only someone with his expert level of understanding of the diet and caloric needs of a post gastric-bypasser could've pointed me in this direction. I guess this is where I have gone wrong this whole time. I was eating healthy for a NORMAL person. Which, coincidentally, backfired on me. I guess I've forgotten after 7 years, that I'm NOT "normal" anymore. And if I ever want to lose weight, I have a higher level of standards to meet if I want the weight to come off.

Breast feeding has come to a slow crawl, maybe one or two (if we're lucky) sessions per day, so I think this is the best time to go ahead and get this ball rolling. Yeah, so the 1200 calories I was trying to eat a day.... lets try 1000! And protein? Lets pump that puppy up to 145 a day! I have decided to take advantage of Dr. Clark's Jump Start program. 5 shakes a day for 2 weeks. Expected weight loss 8-25 lbs. After the 2 weeks, I will then decide to keep going with the shakes or substitute caloric intake for real food. Which all depends on my weight loss by that point.



As of July 26, 2012- I am 195.3 lbs. BMI- 28.7
TOTAL goal- 165
TOTAL weight loss goal: 30 lbs



I am in it to win it this time. I want to shed this baby weight and get back to my goal. Once and for all. Enough fooling around and goofing off. Lets do this thing!