sarahunt17

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I am having a very large amount of anxiety today and it kept building...I've been told--this is normal. I don't know why this is happening though...I'm not scared of the surgery at all. I am not at any way shape or form regrettign doign this at all. I don't understand it. My stomach feels tight and every little thing is using it's power against me. As one girl said in one of her posts which I am going to use from now on cause it was cute "I'm so broke my pockets are crying" ....that is my line now---I'm calling it! Anyway--I'm hanging on! Sara

I lost another 2 lbs...my body must have "jump started" finally. It is soo much easier to not eat when you know your getting results. I can't wait to disappear for two weeks and then reappear and see if people notice!

I am already starting to plan my first meals when I can eat again...which will be about 2.5 weeks from now. I will only be able to eat pureed food for about a month after that. But, I don't care....I just want some meat! I will probably be eating a lot of tuna fish, hummas (which I like now), and canned chicken all pureed up. I found this recipe for chicken pate that I am going to try. My stomach will be the size of a shot glass, so one can of tuna will last me 2 days probably!

Only four more days to go!!! I suddenly loss three pounds today. I was getting really disapointed because I have been eating/drinking nothing but liquids all for 10 days and I have only seen 1 pound loss. Someone told me that it is because I have water weight gain and not to be discouraged, but I have no idea if that is a medical fact or not or if that person just wanted me to feel better. It did, by the way, make me feel better. But this morning I woke up and I have lost 3 more pounds. I was getting up every 30 minutes last night to go to the bathroom, so maybe that is a sign

I got three bills in the mail that were from doctor's appointments that my insurance should have covered. This is a good thing to know for anyone who is interested in this surgery. After many phone calls I found out that if your doctor does not specify "morbid obestity" on their claims, than insurance will not cover it. I had three doctors who only put "obesity" and that is why I was denied. It sucks that the only medical name they could come up with is "morbidly obese" to descibe my overweightness. I mean you have a lung flu and they call it " chronic bronchitis" you have a intestinal infection and they call it "appendacidis" you have pain and swelling in your joints and they call it "rheumatiod arthritis"...but your fat and all they can come up with is "morbidly obese". Try sitting in an office in front of all your piers and trying to explain on the phone to your providers office that they must use the word "morbid" before "obese"to explain your condition. Kind of humiliating to say the least. That was the first thing that knocked me down yesterday (refer to yesterday's blog if you have no idea what I am talking about)

But I do have some good news on the eating front. I received my first shipment of protien shakes called "NECTAR" ---I have to say "WOW" this protien shake taste soooooo much better than the shakes I have been using called "whey protein ISOLATE". Don't get me wrong the Isolate was not horrible. It got me through 1 week---the strawberry is pretty good. I was not crazy about the chocolate though--it was just a very weak chocolate flavor. But the NECTAR chocolate is soooo much better. It actually taste like you are having a yummy rich chocolatly shake. I tried twisted cherry flavor too---it is very good as well--it taste like laffy taffy cherry flavor. I am going to try the fuzzy navel and tropical cooler today.

Having a rough day. Anxiety is super high---not because of the surgery or even the non-eating, but because of all the things I have to get done before the surgery. It just seems like everything is stacking down on top of me. I haven't cried in a very long time and the last time I cried was only because I saw a show on a five year old kid who wanted to give all his birthday gifts away to someone in need. It was a "oh that is so sweet cry" and the time before that was when I had to say goodbye to my brother and sister-in-law when we had to part our ways from being on vacation---that was months ago. So the crying thing caught me off-guard. I have been on phone calls all day long.. each phone call delivering more depressing news...and then it happened....my chair broke. It didn't break from under me, so it wasn't that dramatic. The arm of the chair broke. The screw flew out from under it and actually pulled the wood from underneath out with it and all I could think was "My arm is sooo heavy that it popped a screw out"...and then as I was down on the floor trying to see what happened, I started balling. I burried my face and my hands and I just lost it. I felt all those insecurities I have felt for years. The shame of being fat.

Then for the salt in my wounds moment I was listening to the "stew show" and there was a girl and a guy on there debating on why guys would rather have a ugly skinny girl with no brians than a beautiful fat girl....actually they were not even debating about it because they both agreed. The guy was vulgerly honest about it and even though I am not out there looking for a guy, it still hurts when you hear men say mean things about large women. They both agreed for men to be fat--no problems. They are acceptable. I am unacceptable. And I know...I know...who would want a guy like that? I wouldn't--not even once I loose the weight--there is no way I could be with anyone who is that shallow. It is just that it is a reminder that people are disgusted by me. That is what hurts...that people see me...the outside...without gettting to see me--the inside. I try to tell people that I am not doing this because of other people---but maybe a part of me is! I mean, if other people make me feel this way, then shouldn't I not want to feel this way? I can't change other people--i can only change myself. Growing up I have always struggled with weight---I do not want that struggle anymore---it is keeping me from my dreams.

Okay...enough for today. I am glad it is the weekend cause I can sleep in. I really wish I could wake up a year later an dhave my degree and weigh 110 lbs lighter!

Hi! I would like to introduce myself. My name is Sara and I live in th eFlorida Keys. I am having surgery at the WESTON branch in 3 days!!! I am getting exited, but a little on the anxious side!!

I have a blog on
http://sarasgastricbypass.blogspot.com/

I will work on getting it over to this site. 


Sara