sassnstyle
I haven't been overweight my whole life. I really started to gain weight towards the end of high school and when I got married. I would gain 5-10 pounds a year. Sometimes more. I had a normal childhood (normal to me), but there are parts that forever changed me. I still feel guilty to say that, but its true. I know today my parents love me, but I still hurt over the past when I choose to think about it. Things affect people differently, and I guess I wasn't as strong as I should have been. I married at 19 and my marriage lasted for 15 years and eventually ended. Ultimately because I was tired of feeling like I could never be the person he wanted and would love. I constantly felt like a failure. It broke my heart, because marriage, as I understood it, was supposed to be that unconditional love. I tried so hard to get him to love me and finally realized that I had to love myself first before anyone else could. There was so much emotional and verbal abuse that I took thinking that I must have deserved this or it wouldn't be happening. With this, I have forgiven him and mostly, forgiven myself. I made some painful and hurtful choices out of despair and complete lonliness. God's grace has been so sufficient in my life. I wish my ex husband much happiness. We do have two wonderful sons, 12 and 7. They are so handsome and are very happy. I hope to fall in love again someday, but this time with a geniune love, unmistakeable without emotional abuse. I won't tolerate it any longer. This is how I have changed and grown.
Since my divorce, it is like you are forced to either change or wallow in the past. It has had its moments of financial strains, spirituality tests, and freedom. For me, it made me look in the mirror of life. Do I like this person I see? Do I love her enough to get to know who she really is? How can I be the best mother that I can be to these two boys watching me everyday? My answers started whispering yes and have escalated to a screaming YES. I do like who I am, I am a wonderful person, I have a HUGE heart, I have that special love to give one day in HIS timing, not mine anymore, I marvel at the true gift of motherhood that God has blessed me to share in these boys' lives, I like that I am happy go lucky, that I am creative, that I am sensual, that I LOVE life, that I adore my family, that I hope to even get closer to them.......then WHAT is wrong?
In 2006, I had kidney failure and had to undergo dialysis for 2 1/2 weeks in ICU. I've never had real "health" problems. Not right in my face like that. What do I do now - how can I take better care of myself? I had to become selfish - that's how I saw it. I realized I haven't thought about just Shelly in soooo long. And that by admitting that I would take care of ME - I thought something was wrong with that. I'm a giver. But I realized the best gift I can give to everyone that knows me, but mostly myself is to become healthy. The world is hard. They look at our exterior first. But I don't want anyone to ever decide to like me for my pants size. We are so much deeper than that!! I started considering the bypass. My friends said "Your not big enough for that surgery". I suffer from pitting edema in my legs. At 37, it is haunting for your child to be able to leave his hand print on your leg for over 5 minutes just holding it and playing "wrestle". I keep trying to lose weight, but I am retaining so much fluid. Diuretics are what caused my kidney failure just in 4 pills. My kidney doctor and primary has suggested the surgery as a tool to lose and keep off the weight.
I am exercising now on my treadmill, have modified my diet to a lower calorie count and hope to still lose 15 lbs before surgery. I have sleep apnea and am learning how to sleep with a mask. My youngest son thinks I am like Darth Vador. Wow Mommy hero points. I am hoping for approval in early April. Please keep me and my children in your prayers. I hope to make some lifelong friends on here and can't wait to meet you and read your stories.
