Eeyore and My Inner Dialogue...Another Month Without Swimming

May 03, 2012

Sigh... Another sigh, as I collect my thoughts.  It has taken me over a week to write this, but I am in a funk.  Funny, if someone would have told me I would be so goal oriented to stay physically active, that having to stay inactive for two months would put me into a depression, I would have just chuckled - well, snorted, I snort sometimes when I laugh - and said, "No way!"  I am here to tell you that you can in fact become, how do I put it without using the word obsessed, hyper-focused and NEED exercise emotionally.

On Leap Day I was lucky to get a panniculectomy.  Not a tummy tuck - abdomnoplasty, it is the removal of the fleshy fat apron that hung down over my thighs.  I knew when I did all my research on this surgery that I would be out of commission for up to two months.  The key here is the phrase "up to".  I am one of those "extra credit seeking" folks whom the "rules" do not apply.  I go in for child delivery, am told I am not in labor, "you are in too good of spirits," only to give birth in about two hours, and get discharged later that day.  Yup, I may be what my ex husband said, "the complete opposite of a hypochondriac."  I looked it up, hyperchondria isn't the opposite, so I do not have the correct word to describe me.  If it doesn't hurt more than two days, I must not be sick/hurt, and actually fine... Famous last words.

I guess my daughter is very lucky that she was not a klutzy child or ill often, as I have an attitude of indestructibility about me, and figure she must, also.  My incision had been healing quite well from said panniculectomy, but I did notice a "thick" spot that started to harden along the right side of the center of my now gone belly button.  Telling myself that it must just be part of the healing process, I let it go for about a week, maybe less.  By the Friday I headed to the Oregon Coast, I started noticing it getting warm -- to those of you without much medical knowledge - THIS IS A RED FLAG.  In caps, even.  Yup, warm to the touch is a sign of infection, and I waited maybe an hour too long to have it checked, and the seroma broke a "seam".  For those of you asking, "What's a seroma?"  It is a fluid pocket that the body for whatever reason cannot absorb, so it swells, and finds a weak spot to, well, flow out of.  The pressure continues to build until, pop!  Open  wounds take a LONG time to heal, so I was told another two to four weeks without exercise, sigh.

Here is the insult my body is adding to injury -- bad choice of phrase???  I seem to have developed what I am self diagnosing (calling doctor Brenda...) as a split in the incision under the skin - or what most likely will be ruled, a surgical hernia.  I could be wrong, so if anyone wants to start a betting pool, I see the doc tomorrow at 2 pm.  The skin feels as though there is nothing really behind it in an oval that is larger than a jelly bean, tender, and now I am obsessing about it.  Note to self, no strenuous activity, lest my guts fall out when I rip open like a bag of rice... Overly dramatic for effect, I assure you, but when I overstate my general mood, it makes me chuckle inside, making it all better.  It is May for all of you who do not have a calendar, so my surgery was over two months ago.  My healing isn't complete, and I have had a couple little set backs, sigh.

Let me bring it on home now -- long stories seem to get out of hand with me, when I should learn to just be succinct -- surgery takes as long as it takes to recover from, and I am not indestructible, nor do I have super human abilities to heal quicker than the average person.  Man, I feel like I just stood up at my first AA meeting, and now I am waiting for all those eyes on me.  The root of my depression is lack of exercise.  I said it!  I cannot exercise as I am still healing, and this sucks.  My brain keeps swirling around the same thought regarding my swimming goal for the year: "I am on mile 118, how will I finish the remaining 482?!"  The answer is this: I will get it done, or I will not, but healing is more important than a number I chose before this speed bump happened.

If you haven't figured this out, I have to talk myself off "the ledge" fairly often.  The inner dialog I have could drive a sane person, well, insane.  Hmmm, what does this speak of me?!  Calling doctor Brenda... Living in the Pacific Northwest has physical ramifications -- lack of sunshine makes it difficult to get enough Vitamin D, which in turn has an effect on mood -- are you following along with me?  If the environment adds to the possibility of seasonal mood disorder, then Vitamin D is essential to keep one plugging along happily.  Being bummed that I cannot continue at full speed exercising the rest of my weight off, add to this crappy weather, you get an unhappy camper -- me.  Usually, I take off in February to get my sun on Maui, but this year, due to surgery, I had to take a pass.  Sigh.  I am carrying around too many things that fester into a negative area -- so with that, I decided to open up & share my mood -- I feel like Eeyore.

To be sure, I am taking my Vitamin D along with all my other supplements.  Two of my friends just got their D checked, abysmal numbers!  Doctor Brenda told them, but they thought they were indestructible, like me, ha ha.  After I see the doctor tomorrow, I will be able to stop imagining my guts falling out, and hopefully be told the hole I have looks pretty, and is closer to being healed.  Keeping my weight down is driving me wonky, so I need to give myself a little slack.  Exercise is the key component to this losing weight thing, and I will not be laying around forever.

So, do you have your checklist?  Surgery takes a long time to heal from; exercise does effect you emotionally as well as physically; take Vitamin D, it will make you happier and healthier!  With that said, I will endeavor to be a happier camper!

Stay positive!  (groan!!!)
Brenda : )~

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