Shenikwa

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We lost the baby.  It happened about a month ago.  Our hearts were broken.  They said that it had nothing to do with the gastric bypass, and that was good news.  But man oh man was this baby wanted.  Our faith in God pulled us through it, and we understand that while God's plan is not easy to deal with, we need to because He knows what is best in our lives.  I thank all of you for your well wishes, and keep us in your prayers for next time. 

I can tell you though it is scary watching that scale go up. (We were almost 3 months along).  But I knew that the weight that I was gaining was healthy weight and I trusted that my exercise and eating habits would keep any excess weight off.  It did and I am still working on losing the extra 10 lbs I gained from quitting smoking and being preggers.  I want my body to be in the best shape it can be for when we try again. 

I hope all is well with my OH family and may God bless you all.  Be well. 

Sooo... Still 8 lbs away from goal.  It rings true what everyone says that the weight comes off slower as you go along.  It's a bit frustrating to see the scale staying the same, and honestly a bit depressing.  It seems these days though it doesn't take a lot to make me sad.  I think it's just one of the side effects of the surgery.  In fact, on life after weight loss.  I have been so consumed with losing weight, that now that part of my life is over (and believe me I'm praising God!), there is really not much else to stress about.  It has been a part of my life for so long.  Wanting and needing to lose weight that now I have to figure out what else there is to dedicate myself so wholly to.  My husband has been my strength through this and for those of us who have spouses that are a rock, you know that it's a blessing.  For those of you who don't have that foundation, then find it!  It will make the journey so much easier for you. 

I think back to the way I felt after this surgery, wanting a new me.  I realized that I didn't want a new me, I wanted ME!  Without the cushion that protected and also hindered me.  I find now that when I walk in a room, I'm just another woman there.  Not the big girl, not the extra gregarious to hide the pain or the fat, just a woman.  It's weird and nice at the same time.

A couple of days ago, I went to my old job and one of the officers walked right past me.  I said hi and he spoke back and looked at me strangely.  Then a few minutes later he came back and said "Do I know you?"  I said "Yeah, Gonzales, it's me Shenikwa".  He was so taken aback.  He said he recognized the voice, but had no clue it was me.  WOW what a feeling.  He really saw me, and then at that moment I saw me.  I realized that I really have changed and 161 gone makes a huge difference.

It's surprising that living in my body, I am so clueless on what I actually look like.  With clothes I'm HOT!  Without, well that's a whole 'nother story that a bunch of plastic surgery will fix :-).  Ohhhh be prepared for the skin.  It is just insane how much there is, and where it is!  My body is seriously a work in progress, and I think that is why I can't see what it really looks like.  I still see the fat cause I see the skin.  I mean it seriously sucks.  But then when I my entire body into one leg in my size 28 jeans, I realize there is a lot of me missing.  And the bad part.

My mom is considering this surgery.  Well, she is considering the lap-band.  I told her that I would support her in whatever I could with this.  It is a challenge, but I am so glad I have done it.  No matter what happens, I would rather live a few years in authentic life, then a lifetime behind a cover.

Well this is a bunch of random thoughts at 0144 in the morning.  May God continue to shine His grace on all of you, and may your journey be exactly what you need it to be.  Be well OH family.

I never imagined being in this place...  I am so close to my goal weight I can smell it.  I feel great, yet scared.  I'm not sure what life is going to be like without worrying about losing weight.  I now have to MAINTAIN it.  WOW... I don't even think I understand what that means.  It really frightens me and invigorates me at the same time.  I look at me now and while I love it, it freaks me out at the same time.  Finally, the outside matches the inside.  I pray each night that God keeps me humble and strong with Him and that I don't destroy what He has so gratefully given me.  Being small doesn't fix all your problems... But it does give you one less thing to worry about.

I guess there is nothing else I can say, but I will make sure to let you all know when I reach my goal of 150.  Ohhh and happy surgiversary to me!  One year out.  Praise God!  Be well OH family.

So... I have found hot tamales.  And boy oh boy have they found me!  I have found that I love those things and they don't bother my pouch at all.  So guess who's been have a box (ok, sometimes 2) boxes a day???  Who has gained 3 lbs in 3 days?  Ding, ding, ding!  Yep me.  Boy that sucks!  So I've cut back.  Actually I cut them out.  Working in a dispatch center where my employees are always making 'food' runs is soooo hard to say no!  But last night I did.  Oh my goodness was that crazy.  And HARD!  When something bad works oh so good with your pouch you become obsessed with it.  I miss candy and sweets.  So I think I just went way too far with it.  I think that I just need to grasp some sort of control here and remember why and where I cam from.

Let me just tell you now that I refuse to go back to fat life.  I really cannot even fathom it now.  It hurts me to imagine that I could do that.  So you know, eating this bad stuff, beating myself up and such I have such body morphing problems.  I see my skin (eewww it's EVERYWHERE!), and I imagine it filled up.  Thankfully I know to call my friends who care about me and my success and have been successful and I talk with them and they can talk me down.  My biggest counselor has been the Lord tho.  He knows how much even more than me, of how much I've been struggling. 

Pray for me OH family, that I stay strong and stay away from those damned hot tamales!  LOL  Be well OH family

Happy new year OH family.  I hope this is the best year ever.  I'm thinking for myself and my family it will be.  Man, I look at myself from the old photographs and have such a hard time remembering life like that sometimes.  But then, I look at a person who is obese and struggling and my heart goes out to them.  I recognize the looks of disgust and pity people give them, and I just wanna scream!  Life smaller is so weird.  Being called slim build or skinny sometimes makes me laugh.  I still see the fat girl inside.  I fight her all the time when I want that peice of chocolate cake or cookies.  Ohhhhh lemme just tell you what happened to me a couple of days ago on new year's eve.  I woke up that morning with a sweet tooth that would not quit.  So stupid me, had a peice of chocolate with nuts.  Oh my GOD!!  I dumped for 12 hours straight.  Let me just say that cured it for a looooong time.  I felt so stupid.  I was throwing up and trying to get water down becuase I knew that I could become dehydrated so quick.  I honestly lost 3 lbs in ONE whole day.  Unbelieveable huh?  And a horrible way to lose it. 

Anyway, back to the whole skinny thing.  I have read where others get offended when people tell them they don't need to lose anymore weight, or that they are getting so skinny.  Humph... to me, that's the ultimate compliment.  I feel good about me.  I like (for the most part) the way my body is coming together.  I still have about 14 more lbs to lose before I get to pre-plastic surgery weight.  Then, we made the decision to try for a baby this year.  I mean that is the whole reason I decided to have this surgery.  But let me just tell you this.  I know it may sound narcisstic, but I am so scared of being fat again after getting pregnant.  I know I will have to be so much more careful than I am right now.  I mean for the most part, I know what I can and can't eat and what the portions are, but literally I am trying to lose weight, not gain.  I think that I will freak out when I see the scale going up.  No matter what I try and tell myself I know it's going to be very scary.  But the main part of me wants to bring a child into our lives.  My husband is the biggest teddy bear and loves kids to death and they love him.  I want to have kids becuase I know that I'll be the mother I've always wanted and to see an extension of us.  Someone made purely out of love. 

Speaking of love, oh my husband y'all.  He is the best thing ever.  And anyone that tells you the intimacy is not SUPER hot after you lose weight is lying their teeth out, or just doesn't know what the heck they are doing.  Whew... that man melts my butter and it's so nice to know that I do the same for him.  I know I did it before, but there is something to be said about filling out a size 8-10 negligee to a 26-28.  No belly to fight with, no thighs that don't part, no breathing hard or screaming 'ouch I got a cramp'.  Before I get to a TMI, lemme stop here!  LOL

I know I haven't been the greatest about updating here, but I sure hope to get better.  I hope all of you enjoy the photo's, and for the folks who update the profiles, please consider me.  I would at least like to have the century club card.  I have lost a total now of 153 lbs.  Praise God and wooo-hooo!!

Again, may God bless all of you this year.  For those of you considering this surgery, may I say again do your research on your OWN.  Listen and pray and ask God if this is for you.  My experience while with it's own up's and down's has been relatively easy and without too many problems.  But know that each one is different.  Be sure that you are ready.  It's not easy and for sure not the easy way out.  Be prepared to change EVERYTHING.  God bless you OH family!

Hi OH Family,

I have to say that this is all such a great journey.  I've been through some struggles and challenges, but God is certainly good and I know I can trust Him through ALL things! 

I'm finally 24 lbs away from my pre-plastic surgery goal weight of 150.  For the last week I have been able to get down to 174, which is the smallest I've been since middle school!  Go Shenikwa, get busy, it's your birthday!  LOL  Anyway I feel wonderful and I know I look good.  I'm in a size 12, and I don't really ever REMEMBER wearing a 12 in my life.  My husband and I pick up the excess skin and flab around my middle to see what I'll look like after plastic surgery.  I wonder.  It seems so expensive though and I hope that we can make a go of it when the time comes. 

Work is well, pretty much just dealing with personalities and such.  People in law enforcement really are just beginning to learn how to communicate with each other and I admit that I fail often at that also.  But I know we are all trying to make a good go of it.  I'm excited though with the people I work for and I am one of the few people who ADORE my bosses.  My immediate manager is a true people person and I know that I have earned her trust.  My manager has the skills and abilities you would hope your leader would have along with being humble and dedicated.

Well my hubby and I also adopted 2 kitties when my baby girl died.  I miss her terribly, but these 2 boys keep us going.  They are so much fun!  My husband took the 2 dogs walking today and they did so well (they are chunky butts too, so we are trying to help them loose weight).  I love animals so much and we always adopt from shelters cause who wants a stuck up pure bred dog anyway when a mutt is healthier and more loving! :-)

So far as the eating habits.  I've for the most part done good.  I did cheat and try sugar for the 2nd time (remember the earlier post about inadvertantly trying sugar?), and besides being tired it was ok.  Not really my cup of tea though.  I'm terrified of being fat again.  People say that losing weight doesn't change your life, and that I can tell you is one big fat LIE.  It changes a lot about you.  Your core self is the same, but what you believed on the inside is finally manafesting itself on the outside.  You feel better about yourself and food is no longer the important thing.  While I still enjoy it, my life is not based around each meal.  It's based on my God, my love and my family and friends.  Food is just energy.  I think while this surgery is a great tool remember it is only as powerful as you allow it to be.  I can totally see how someone could eat themselves out of the surgery and ruin what took so long to fix.  And I understand.  I can see how people can't but this battle is long, hard and NEVER over. 

Be well OH family

Shenikwa

This week has to be the toughest week of my life.  I lost my friend of course as you all know.  My kitty got sick the same day I found out about my girlfriend.  She had acute renal failure which was her kidneys.  My poor baby was wasting away in front of me.  So Wednsday, I had to help her cross over and Thursday my girlfriend was buried.  Ohhhh what a horrible thing to go through, and yet I have to find another friend to comfort me because food cannot be there like it used to.  I thought not having it there was easy, but then when tough times came, I couldn't eat them away with 'comfort' food. 

You never realize how much the surgery changes your life until you go through a bad point.  Losing weight, looking and feeling better, eating healthier are all easy points until the grief comes and you cannot turn to the fatty, unnatural stuff.  And let me just tell you, I've tried.  It was horrible.  I still dump from sugar, milk and high fat.  I'm not brave enough to try sugar (and I hope I never am!), but the high fat?  Oh yeah... and boy did I pay for it.

So I've learned to turn to the ultimate friend, Jesus Christ.  Seeing all of this death this week had made me realize that life is sooooo short.  So fleeting.  So love your family, love your pets, and love yourself most of all.  Remember that you are all you got, and those of us on here have forgotten us a long time ago in search of something better, something new.  Yes WLS changing your life.  It can change your outlook for better or for worse, but it will NEVER change you.  Not who you are deep down inside.  God loves you and it doesn't matter if you are fat, slim healthy or sickly.  All He wants is to love you back.

Thanks for being patient with me OH family.  To those of you who have read this and reminded me gently (and not so gently!) to begin to blog again, I thank you.  I didn't realize how much I missed my friends and family here.  May God bless your journey.  May you know nothing but peace and love through this if you have WLS or trying other methods to lose weight.  And even though we don't know each other personally, know that I pray for all who read this. 

Be well OH family

Has passed away from this surgery.  I found out late last night that she died from the complications.  She leaves behind 4 kids and a husband.  Man,  I tell you what... it brings home the fact that this is a dangerous surgery that we all here have survivied through and sometimes people don't. 

My heart hurts for her and her family now.  I spent the 1st part of the night crying for her, and myself.  I felt guilty because she saw my success and felt like it would be her own too.  She had a bowel obstruction, and just never recovered from it.  Just know how serious this can be.  Take the risks for what they are.  Even though she is the rarity, I hate to lose her because she was an awesome friend, mom and wife.  God bless her family and other friends.  Please keep those who have passed in your prayers, and hopefully the gov't will see what we do to ourselves to be healthy and help us continue to do so without it being so doggone expensive and live-changing. 

I hope that my thoughts come through clear on this and I hope that those of you who are thinking about this surgery think clearly about what you are doing.  Those of us who have survivied this, praise God and continue to take care of yourself. 

Be well OH family

Hello OH family.  It again has been a long time since I have blogged, but I wanted to give a quick update on what's been going on.  God has certainly blessed this girl with this surgery.  I am at 189 as of this morning, which means that I have lost a total of 110 lbs since the date of surgery and a whole lot since before then.  I praise Him for the blessing of this surgery and such great profiles that I read on here that motivated me both good and bad.

For those of you who are new to this and just wondering if this is for you, know that it is such a personal decision one that you will have to make on your own.  But reading the profiles of those of us who have gone down this journey really help.  Even though I am bad at updating mine, I still read my favorites out there!

I have to say that it is a little scary that 6 months out I can eat more .  It's getting to the point where I can have a 'normal' meal.  So I started to measure my food now strictly and making sure that I am eating healthy and getting the protein that I need in.  I am continuing to lose weight, excercising and pretty much being a good girl.  It really helps too because I am at the point now where most people are a year out.  Lord knows though that my body is crying for plastic surgery!  the excess skin is crazy to me.  I think I would be in a 10 for sure if I got all the skin cut off.  But my main priority for having WLS was to have a baby.  What is the use of having plastic surgery to jack my tummy tuck up with a baby?  My most important job is to be a mom.  Being a MILF is 2nd!  LOL  Actually it's really nice the attention that I get from my hubby who thinks that I am SMOKING hot now.  I have to concur, I am pretty doggone cute.  But I also believe that just cause I was fat didn't mean I wasn't fine too!  It's just a lot easier to believe now.  Men react completly different which trips my husband out.  He gets a little insecure, but I make a point to tell him that God made a plan for us.  My plan was to be his wife, and only the Lord can take that away.  There is no one else out there for me.  He was the one that loved me at 317 lbs.  He gets the benefit of loving me smaller.

Other than that, I got a new job with another police department in dispatch as a supervisor.  It's a lot of hard work with a few people who refuse to convert to the new and better way of business.  But I think that you cannot be onery and be a dispatcher at the same time. 

 I will sure try and post some new pics as the time has gone by.  I hope that everyone is well and my love and best wishes to my friends and may God continue to bless and light each one of your steps.  Be well OH family!