simply_jess

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i like my new job, wildflower bread company.. i make the salads and deal with the soups and then sometimes im at the front of the house. On tuesday I was having a frustrating day, just feeling rushed and as an outsider mainly because I was the only one there speaking english, the rest speak spanish, and I was always feeling like everytime I got to a place where I only had three orders to do, three more would come in.

The day was just escalating and thank god for a company meeting that took me away, but I do get along with front of the house, and I was trained in that as well.. so I told the boss I could work both sides of the house, and she said it was really cool. 

And thats about it. 

Barack Obama 2008!

Saturday, September 30, 2006

So I have a job now, that I despise. I am on my feet 8 hours a day, lucky if I get a fifteen minute break. I consider that exercise because I do work a sweat and I am exhausted when I come home, with my feet hurting a LOT. I've lost a bunch of weight, and my mom sees a difference but I really don't. Yes, my pants are falling down and I can fit in shirts but I try not to get over excited.. leads to disapointment. I went out to the Tortilla Factory last night and all my moms friends were like WOW you look great.. still don't see it. I did get a salad though and I've had no issues. Usually my issues with food is that I have to gag and wretch a few times after I eat it because either I can't accept it or I eat too much.Over eating is my main problem. Tis all :)
Thursday, July 6, 2006

Okay so well. I had my surgery and I had zero complications. I remember getting wheeled into surgery, asked to move to a narrow board, had my right arm put at cross length and then I remember waking up. It wasn't like in/out quick of waking up but I woke up feeling like it was a few minutes later.. but I knew it was a while from what I was told it would be like. A hour or so went by, I was in and out, hearing my mom tell me stuff about the surgery that I had to ask her later to repeat. But I was spacey and then when I was in my room, I felt bad to nap because my mom might be bored. But sedation won over. I spent a few days in the hospital and now I am home. The first week was awful AWful awful. I had a back strain, and the pain med elixor tastes terrible and then I wasn't keeping up with my psycho-meds so I was feeling completely depressed. But now I am okay. I am horrible with taking my vitamins and protein and I want real food.

I think I just need a support group and a counselor. But I am in good spirits now. I don't think I'll ever be cheerleader but I am fine. Happy its over with and the decision is made, and realistic on the road's length in front of me. Down some weight too, woo.



Monday, June 26, 2006

going into surgery now... wow


Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Met with Dr. Villares for the first time today. We went over all my labs, he answered questions I had and really that was that. I have to start my protein/liquid diet now and that'll lead me into the first day of the rest of my life.

And my sister's birthday is today, and of couse, our dad didn't send her a bday card. Ass.


Sunday, June 11, 2006

Just got done watching TransAmerica and Mr. And Mrs. Smith. Love both of them. I have a headache right now but it's been a while since I watched two movies in one night. It's very hot outside now, even when the sun went down, but I know it is only going to get hotter. Surgery wise, I went to Banner Good Sam a couple weeks ago for preoperative tests. It was a very long day but I didn't complain, it all is going to benefit me. I was scared of the Barium liquid, because I have a promising history that proves I can puke right after trying to swallow pepto bismal, and the two are very similar.. however, maybe it was sheer will, the barium stayed down and for a while in my stomach lol.

I am getting ready for the surgery in actions. I am renting a recliner chair, I have all the scrapbooking shit I need, I have my fridge ready for space.. now it's just mental preparation. I am addicted to quotes. I hate using them on people, I just think that's cheesy and as I say, 'ghetto'. But they inspire me, I love reading them, and I believe in them, well most of them of course. So I am making kind of, my own bible. People read the bible as their support, when they have questions, when they have doubts. That's what I feel with certain quotes. I have probably over 300 so far that inspire and motivate me and make me feel at peace and comfortale...it's my bible for the during and post op. And also for my mom when she'll be waiting in the waiting area as my surgery goes on.

I am not speaking to my father at this moment, which is easy because he hasn't called me since my birthday (May 25). He is a hard man to accept things in my life without constantly giving a counter opinon. I respect another aspect of a decision I make, but just once I want him to respect a decision I make without having to cast a shadow of doubt, or at least try to. I do however want his love and support. My birthday was in May and he didn't send me a card. It sounds stupid to have that as a reason not to talk to him for, but it hurts. He called and had me on speakerphone with the rest of his family over there and it was just.. informal. It hurt not getting a card.. it still hurts, if I think about it too much, I cry. I just hurt from it. My mom said she would say something to him when she called him post op but eh... and my sister said she would say something the next time she talks to him. We'll see if he sends her a card, her birthday is June 14.

And yeah, June 14.. I will meet Dr. Villares and hopefully everything will be run smoothly.

Monday, May 8, 2006

So after a wait of it feeling forever.. I have a date, June 26th.. feels way too far away but one day at a time! Now dealing with school...

Thursday, May 4, 2006

I just got a call from Dana, from Great West. She told me she gave the surgeon the approval for the surgery. Now I have to wait for Nicole to give me a call back so we can have a date!!! OH MY GOSH!!!


Tuesday, April 4, 2006

Well let's see. Technically, my first letter is STILL at the insurance. I wasn't denied but I wasn't approved. I thought I had six months of a supervised diet, but the months weren't together, they were seperated by a few months, so now.. on Thursday, I will have technically be on a supervised diet for 6 straight months with the same doctor. And then the application gets put back in. On Saturday I am going to a seminar in Tuscon sponsored by this website and I am very excited about it. :)

Sunday, Feb 12, 2006

Well I had a pretty good Xmas/Chanukah even if I went out there with a dying temperature of 102.7 I didn't really get a chance to talk to my dad one on one about the surgery in a non hectic way until the ride in the car to the airport for my departure. He doesn't feel I need the surgery because of how my biology is but merely because of my eating habits and I don't disregard his opinion in the slightest. I understand where he is thinking from because I have read so many other opinions like that, that happened to all of you out there. So I went home feeling eh about his reaction but happy enough that he and I both agree that I wouldn't go into this blindly and that I feel it is right for me and it is ultimately my decision and he is behind me for support. So yeah.

In the meantime, it took a while once January began for the insurance company to get all the paperwork they wanted. I had to do another thyroid blood test and they came out normal and I think it's been probably a week and a half, maybe two weeks since the insurance company has had in determining if I am approved. I wish I would be on this first try because now in almost mid Feb. I feel like I don't need another road block to prove my dedication.

Hallelujah plays when the surgeon's office calls to my phone and I am only hoping. Tomorrow I am calling, or my mom will if I back out from being too annoying to them, and finding out if they heard anything. Probably not... eesh.


Thursday, December 15, 2005

Hi all. December is becoming really crazy. First I had student loan problems and then dealing with finding clothes that fit that don't have an elastic band around the waist. I did find this store in the mall called Torrid. It's awesome.

But I got a letter today in the mail from the Bridges Center telling me Dr. Zahn, my surgeon, is retiring the 1st of Feb!! I freaked but internally more than on that outside. Dr. Villares is taking over for him and thank god he is under my insurance. Phew.

So now it's dealing with that because I have filled all the requirements needed before applying to insurance, and my new insurance, Great West... bleh?


Sunday, December 4, 2005

My moms work is changing insurance companies and I am moving to Great West insurance. My surgeon is still in the network so as long as that is okay then I am happy. However, the insurance doesn't change until the first of January so I have to hold off on applying for the surgery. I have completed everything asked of me to do before seeking approval though so now it is just about being patient.

I went to my PCP for an update on this doctor supervised diet and she said I had lost 22 pounds since August, so that is cool. I feel like I am stuck though so just day by day.


Monday, November 7, 2005

Okay. Not much of an update except I hate being slow. Organizing this with school as well is hard, especially with me thinking about changing programs. It's not odd to change programs, a lot of people do, so I don't think of myself as quitting, just learning. I don't even want to write out quitting because I am no way doing that. Anyways, just needed to get that out. I'm so tired.


Wednesday, November 2, 2005

So let's see. I found a new person to do my behavior modification therapy, through a referrel from Dr. Maxwell. Good future note... do not ever go to a doctor that you don't read any testimonials of or have any referrels. Sometimes you get the quacks. But this woman is a social worker and I will write a review with her after my four sessions with her are complete. Her name is Elizabeth Murphy and she works in Scottsdale, just off of McDonald by 101. I could easily relate to her because we share common things and common likes. Totally easy to talk to, she was quick, she was alert and she made me want to be a better person not only for her but really because I want to prove I can do this, that I have a desire to change my eating habits.

I am keeping a food journal for her and it's not the typical journal where you write the food out and the amount and the exercise you do and how much liquids and of what kind. This one is where I write what I have to eat, I don't have to include amounts, I can just say 'pizza' and I have to write what emotion I was feeling before I ate. So far most of my feelings are 'tired' or 'bored' so I am trying to delve deeper into it. I put 'sore' today lol but I don't know if that is a feeling that she was thinking of me having.

So with that I am being patient with and I had an appointment with my NP who specializes in psychiatric medicine. I am almost on full dosage of Lamictal, on the last week of the sample pack and in two weeks I will start taking 200mg and then slowing getting off the Lithium. I am weary but I want to do this for myself and how I will feel with taking Lithium with post op living. So I am being relaxed about this because I shouldn't be crazy. I have my behavior mod. figured out and solved, in three weeks I should be ready to apply for coverage to my insurance. So weesh.

In personal news. There is this man in my class at school who is my partner and one of the three people I actually like in my class. He is older, about 13 years older, but we have a lot of fun laughing and being the slow ones. He laughs a lot at my jokes, does things I ask him lol and of course vice versa, and yea. I like hanging out with him during class and after class we walk to the parking garage and today he tried walking me to my car, which was way apart from his, so I thought. I didn't want him walking with me, because thinking of him like that is just, intimacy FREAKS me out, and plus.. he is what I want as a friend. So I did what my dog does when she wants her way, I just stood there and told him I wasn't moving until he started walking to his car. And that was that. ay-yai-yai.

Weird. Oh. I'm traveling for the holidays as well, pre-op. I bet I get middle seat and I know I will need a seat belt extender. Humiliating.


Thursday, October 27, 2005

O.M.G

I cancelled my Monday night apt. with my therapist because I can't afford it and I just want to go home that day instead of another stop. I left my phone at home when I had to go back to Scottsdale with my mom, since I was so suave with locking my keys in the car. I get back, one new voicemail. I get excited and scared with voicemail.. I always feel like it'll be my father or sister calling with bad news, but anywho... my therapist had left me a message. I listened to it and it literally was like 12 minutes long. First quarter of the message was about how she hoped she didn't offend me and she was sorry she was mean or rude and I didn't really notice to be honest. And then the last 3/4 of the damn conversation with my voicemail was about problems in her life. Her husband, her father-in-law, her mother, her sister, her sister's kids, the hurricanes, the issues. I mean my god. I need a new therapist.

God dang. I called Dr. Maxwell's office, she did my psych. evaluation, and left a voicemail explaining what my therapist did and how quacky she is, and asked a few things. 1)a referrel, 2)if Dr. Maxwell does these behavior mods and how much and 3) can I go to the ABC classes at St. Lukes.

Eesh.

 

Monday, October 23, 2005

I am so tired of being upset. I can't just go 'okay I won't be upset anymore' because I'm not fighting anyone, I have no one to forgive or vice versa, and it's inside of me. My cat is missing. She is an outdoor cat and I spent the whole weekend looking for her. My mother misunderstood some bills, as is the case usually, and it's another two weeks with 2 digits of money in the bank. I stopped working to go to school and with the exhaustion that I feel with the energy I put into school, I don't know if I can. I have this weird thing growing on my foot, lol, that sounds sick, but it's really hard and I can prod it with a knife and feel no pain. Sick.

God I want my cat to come home, I miss her. Now I have a house with friendly animals, I never had that before. Okay breathe. My father and my therapist both agree, at least from what I believe on my father's side, is that I have to put school first. What I always fail to mention is the reality. The only reason I have insurance is because I am in school. I have to have this surgery during the time I am in school because then I won't be able to. All these work places, well not all, but the chain resorts all stipulate that I can have insurance working under them but not until many months later, after I establish myself. I have to have this surgery during school, for monetary reasons as for health.

I see my therapist tonight and that makes me feel depressed because I feel I will be letting her down becasue of the fact I have been thinking about this surgery and calling my surgeons office during last week. But I feel like I am staying on top of things, I feel like I am being responsible. Granted, the surgeon wasn't going to go away, but I was almost getting to the point where I could be consumed with worry if they got my medical records.

Eesh I don't know. I just want my cat back and the magic 8 ball is being very indecisive about my cat's future out there. I don't think there's any coyotes down here from the mountains but who knows...I wish I could be happy right now, but I hate being worried.

The insurance company mailed a letter to my mother asking for proof I was a full time student. This is the fourth time they have asked, and my mother has sent the proof in a form from the school to this insurance company the previous three times they have asked. Now I am worried about the approval process. I'm so tired. I start a new class tomorrow, making 'real' food in bulk (catering and garde manger is the name of the class). At least I know I will be able to eat food these next two weeks.

 

Friday, October 21, 2005:

totally not in a good mood tonight. I am perfectly happy all day, at school I am caught in the adrenaline rush of deadlines, and I sit in traffic and I am fine then. I get home, I'm perfect, and then my mom goes to sleep and I just am annoyed lol. I'm REALLY trying not to call the surgeon this week. I eye the phone, I pick it up, I have the number in my Contacts but I just can't because imagining going to the shrink Monday and having it shown I can't change, I just can't do that. I will tell her honestly what I have thought about, she did say she could see through people. I just want her to start hypnosis lol.

Is it really bad to be really concerned with surgery? I thought it would show that I take this completely serious but now I guess it shows that.. I don't know, I guess like a horse with blinders for lack of a better phrase. But I now have a larger problem, or a future problem that could deter me after the surgery which I am trying desperately not to do now... Chugging down water and gulping. I'm working on it :)


Thursday, October 20, 2005:

What to say. I finally signed on to AIM last night and talked to the one person I didn't mind talking to. We were once close and now we're distant because I decided not to be interested in the things that were common ground for her. I am sure I offended her somehow lol but when we were talking it was okay. You ever talk to someone and know they would go straight to the next person and say what you were saying? Paranoid maybe, eesh.

But yeah. I watched some baseball today and then some mindless reality shows until I started studying for the final tomorrow. It's pretty easy not to want any dessert I am making when it's covered in coffee syrup. Blech. I hope I don't smell like it tomorrow. I went through the mis en place I am allowed to use as reference (not allowed to put directions) and I have gone through it about fifty times, double checked I had all the tools and even set up my piping bags for tomorrows lady fingers and Friday's decorative tip. I don't think I'll put a rose on my cake, they don't like my roses, so just rosettes.

I am just rambling but back to the surgery.

The therapist, and she is weird, wrote a mission statement for me for the week. And I like it, I didn't like reciting it to her a few times, I don't really work that way. But my goal for this week was to stop thinking about the surgery, the appointments, everyting and focus on school. And I am, school, number 1... but I seemed to have my life, outside the five hours of school, around the surgery, unintentionally. I am changing medicine off of Lithium because of the surgery potential, I am eating all my foods and practicing small bites and puree and no drinking during meals, I'm even walking after class in my geeky black and white pants lol. So I have to talk to the therapist about that, even though when she talks to me in the room, it makes sense. Then when I'm driving home I start to panic lol.

So I have an appointment on Monday with her after school, third week in a row. I have an appointment Weds before school with my NP, medicine giver outer and do the update on the new medicine. No rashes=no internal organs deteriorating. And then I am calling the surgeon first thing Monday, when I am allowed to think about surgery again, to see if they have all the forms, then I will call the doctor's about the medical records that they may have not sent.

And that's my rambles, now I go.

Oh yeah, side accomplishment. I play online poker. It's free, partypoker.net.. I learned to play there and it's fun. But I played in a FREE tourney, it's qualifying rounds, to end up winning a ferrari. First day I tried, actually thinking I might have a shot, but then I lost bad. But today I played, with about 7600 other players, tables of 10, and I ended up placing 336. I thought it was pretty good. I could never play professionally or with real money even if I was the best. I freak out, cold sweats, too serious.. I don't like it.

 

Monday, October 10, 2005:

I don't know. Lately I have been in such a bad mood. I think it was just sparked from my depression these past two weeks that has just carried over to being sour. I went to see this therapist today, my first appointment with her, and my headache hurt a lot and I'm filling out paperwork and get to the everpresent question 'In the past two weeks, do you feel like you are losing interest in things you once had?'

Duh.

So she went over the stuff, explained her history, and we didn't even get through all the info, but I am seeing her in a week as well. I haven't done therapy in years, about 4 years, and she was surprised with the medicine I am taking, it's like the surgery, just a tool to get better and it won't do all the work. I wasn't nervous talking to her, but afterwards, driving home I was. I don't want to say the wrong things because then she can be like 'I'm telling Dr. Maxwell you shouldn't have this surgery' and then at the same time, I was completely open with Dr. Maxwell and she still thought I was a good candidate.

So yeah, now I'm just disgruntled and hungry.

 

Friday, October 7, 2005:

I had a psych evaluation done, taken on Weds of last week and concluded on Friday thanks to my persistence on not missing class. I went to Dr. Maxwell (basically right across the hall from Dr. Zahn). I arrived way early to avoid rush hour traffic, seeing as I was going on three interstates to get there, eesh. So I got to read the Obesity Help Magazine and I loved reading it. I'll have to think about getting it when I have money. So I finally got called back to her office, and she seemed cool. She has done this so many times, and she acknowledges this, so it was somewhat weird when she would ask questions and any reply I gave she basically has heard it before. At least I was left with that impression.

It was basically stated that she wanted me to take care of two things before full approval for the surgery. She said she thinks I am the perfect candidate and wishes me well for it, but the two things now are eesh. One, I have to go to a therapist or seek counseling on my emotional/binge eating. Check, I have scheduled and talked to a therapist in the area who specializes in that as well. And two, she doesn't like my intake of Lithium because it very well could dehydrate me. So I went to my drug supplier and we are working on moving me to a different medicine. I made sure she knew I wanted her to send that information to Dr. Maxwell.

This week has been rough though. I was emotional because I do feel antsy about this. I wish I could get this done tomorrow because it would make things in my life easier. My school/work rely on me standing up 5-8 hours at one time, no break. I can't even walk straight after I have sat down for ten minutes, my feet just swell. So I was upset and then my mom almost started crying saying how she felt guilty for letting me get this way, this big. She walked away and when she was out of sight, I started crying because it really wasn't her fault. I was moderately overweight as a child. Not the fattest kid in the whole world, but enough to be made fun of. I still manipulated my mother's weakness to get food and when, and only when, I could make decisions for myself did I start to get out of control. So I felt bad she felt bad and then I felt bad that I made myself get this way. I just, eesh. Too emotional. And I found Halloween candy. Oy...

Tuesday, September 20, 2005:

I had my consult with Dr. Zahn. I stepped on the scale and weighed 287.2 .. .I don't understand how I am losing weight when I am eating such rich food in culinary school. Although, I am taking Meridia to appease the physician supervised diet. Eesh, speaking of, I have to set up a monthly appointment with her. But back to the consult, it was pretty straight forward. Answered questions, my mother came with me, she is a nurse and knows if I have some health problems I may not be sure of what they are. Plus she's my rock and support.

Dr. Zahn came in after that, of course after I put on the medical bib/vest thing. I hate them but this one was perfectly sized for me. It is really the little things that makes you realize that this may be how everyday will be like post-surgery (and a few months after of course). Dr. Zahn was cool. I am not expecting a best friend but someone that knows his stuff, respects me as a patient and person, and will help me get this surgery happening ASAP. He had to check me out, my stomach and what not. I have never been touched by anyone on my stomach,aside from doctor's, sad that I am 21 and saying that. But I cringe, unintentionally, away from his fingers... it's like a bad tickle. Am I odd?

But other than that.. perfect consult. It went so fast, since I did go to the seminar that did answer questions. I have to get a psych evaluation quickly, and I am calling Dr. Maxwell tomorrow for an appointment.

I did cry yesterday though. Not the sobbing kind, but the realization that I might actually get this surgery. My mom is certain of it and I just cried thinking of myself at a 'normal' weight and body size. I just, I can't fathom walking into any store and fitting in their clothes. I don't even fit in Lane Bryant pants anymore.

But yea, just thought I would update. Email me please, I would love peer support, I only have told one of my friends about this possibility (all my friends live on east coast while i live in the dessert), and she is so supportive.. my other friend, haven't told because when I was juuuuuust beginning this I told her I was seeing a bariatric doctor and she just doesn't want me to succeed or 'surpass' her in weight loss. She's one of those friends that you are friends with because you have a history together but is selfish at the same time. Hard to explain.

anywho, thanks all :)

 

Saturday, August 20, 2005:

I had to change surgeons from Schlesinger to Dr. Zahn. My insurance didn't cover the bariatric clinic unfortunately. However I did set up an appointment with a PCP, Dr. Tami Bruce and she was wonderful. She referred me to Dr. Zahn and I quickly went to the required seminar of his you have to take to have a consult with him. So my consultation with him is I believe September 10th, I have to check out the business card they gave me as a reminder lol.

But I feel okay. I want the surgery to work out for me, quickly, because I am impatient but I have no clue when I should get it done with the school program lasting until May when I would start my three month on the job externship. It's all confusing and I want to get the surgery right away but I am hesitant because I don't want to leave my class I have been with for three months to go into a class that would have been together 8 months already.

I just want this surgery though and I want it to run smoothly. I keep asking my magic 8 ball out of jest and well I either get 'concentrate and ask again' or 'outlook not so good'.

arg!!! lol


Tuesday, August 9, 2005:

I think I may have underestimated the work one has to put into this. I am willing to do it but I am stressing out already, at the first hurdle. I think the Barix Clinic that I have been relying on is out my network... meaning I would have to pay 50% of the cost of the surgery plus. So I am in the hunt for a good AZ insurance company, one that the clinic will be in network for and one that will cover most, if not all, of the procedure.

Is there such a thing as insurance companies covering all? help :(

Thursday, July 28, 2005:

I am about to go to this bariatric clinic tomorrow for a consultation. I just want to have the surgery tomorrow but I am concerned about insurance coming through, gah! But I just wanted to record the excitment and looking at the before and after pics just have me excited!