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I went to my mandatory monthly nutrition class last night not thinking I was going to get good news at the weigh-in. I’ve been very discouraged/depressed/upset this past month and was sure it would show on the scale. Christmas is always hard for me being clear across the continent from my parents and I’m always very homesick for Idaho. On top of being homesick, I’ve had a rough month with being sick and having my sweet husband sick, I have struggled with a roller coaster of emotions about one particular relationship in my life, and winter time in mountain Maryland is cold, grey, and energy-sucking. It causes people to be sad and hateful and just a little quicker to anger than usual. As you can imagine, all of these emotions tend to lead to the same place for me: the bottom of a potato chip bag or empty packet of chocolate chip cookies or chocolate. I was so amazed last night when I stepped on the scale and saw that I was 5 lbs. down from last month! Thank the flying spaghetti monster that I was able to do something right despite feeling so crummy otherwise.

Facebook sucks when you’re depressed, you know? When I am upset or my self-esteem is waning, Facebook always makes me feel so much worse. It’s not that I perceive my friends as having such fabulous lives in comparison to my own, but I always seem to get my feelings hurt so much easier than I would otherwise. So, I went looking for a positive Facebook atmosphere where I might get some encouragement with all the questions I have running through my head about my upcoming surgery in March. If I could channel my negative feelings into reading encouraging words from people in a Facebook group who have had the surgery and live with it’s consequences every day, then maybe I could make Facebook into a more positive place for me right now.

So, I went searching and I found a Facebook group called “Bariatric HELP and Fitness.” It’s a forum for people who have had surgery to support each other, share ideas, tips, and tricks for living day-to-day. At first, I really liked what I was reading very much. The people on this forum were very encouraging to each other and seemed to have great ideas about things to do and try to make post-surgery living easier. Then, this week, I began to see all these posts about “the 5-day pouch test” and how people were starting it or doing it and how hungry they were, etc. It turns out, someone came up with a plan to help those who’ve made poor choices post-surgery who are now, suddenly, starting to gain their lost weight back. Read: they are years out from surgery and have reverted to eating the same crap that made them fat before and now they are stretching their pouches and gaining their weight back and freaking out about it. The pouch test helps to “re-train” their pouch to allow them to get back on track. The sheer amount of people I saw on the Facebook page talking about the “5-day pouch test” REALLY upset me. I started questioning my decision and really found myself down in the dumps.

Don’t get me wrong. It’s not that I’m expecting gastric bypass to be some quick fix for my fatness where I won’t have to put in any work or effort to attain the body and health that I deserve. I know it’s going to be the hardest thing I’ve ever done and I look forward to the challenge. There is that little negative voice in my ear, however, that’s telling me that I will fail because I’ve tried so many things before and do I really think that this will be any different? Am I going to be one of those failed fatties crying in my french fries about how I fucked up and stretched out my pouch? I mean, look at my track record:

• I didn’t succeed at Herbalife when I was 12. In fact, my 6th grade teacher told my mom that I used to trade my “diet food” for candy bars. I don’t remember doing this, but whatever. 
• I failed at Scarsdale when I was 13. To this day, I have to take a deep breath before I take that first mouth full of cottage cheese.
• SetPoint was a bust. I barely remember anything other than having to go to a storefront in Centennial Mall in Twin Falls to be weighed once a week.
• I got hypnotized by a therapist in Salt Lake City who was supposed to give me suggestions to make all my trigger foods seem gross to me. It worked great until someone at the desk next to mine was eating pizza and the smell made me actually puke. Yeah, hypnotism turned me into a bulemic so I had to go back to the therapist to get “deprogrammed.”
• Weight Watchers allowed me to lose 50 lbs. and then stall while I watched other folks seem to struggle very little.
• Curves was good for my fitness until I started coming up with reasons not to go anymore.
• Working out with a trainer at the eBay gym was great for a while….until we moved to Maryland and my whole life changed…oh, and I gained back that 50 lbs. I lost at Weight Watchers (and then some).

I know…I know… Waaa, Fucking, Waaaaa! I need to get over myself and prod forward. Yes, I know, but venting is part of my process.

Guess what? I lost 5 lbs. last month and I know I’ll lose a ton during the all-liquid diet I have to practice two weeks before the surgery. I’m 15 lbs. down toward my surgeon’s goal of 20 lbs. I unplugged the negative Facebook group, got on the email list for WVU Bariatrics, and I got the nutritionist to call the bariatric psychologist to see if she can get me in sooner rather than later. Despite my poor attitude, I’m trying my best to keep my chin up and my eyes on the prize. It will work out. I know it will…I just have to not get overwhelmed…right?