snowiekate

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Dear Me,

Today is a good day. But over the next few days, weeks, months, as I experience pain, stalled weight loss, frustration, maybe even depression, I want to REMEMBER why I made the decision to have surgery, and use these feelings as motivation.

This journey will be HARD, as everything worth doing is. Some days will be wonderful, but some will make me question everything.

I’ve been incredibly lucky – my friends, family, and colleagues have never made me feel badly about being overweight. I was not bullied or picked on in school. But I was always overly sensitive to my size – afraid I was holding people back from having fun, or was in the way, or that people “had” to make concessions for me.

But almost all my social interactions revolve around food. We don’t meet for coffee, we meet for lunch. I don’t go running with Maggie, or skating with Taylor, or even to theme parks as much as I’d like, because I am just too tired.

Damn, I am TIRED of being tired.

I want to walk in to a restaurant, and NOT immediately look for a “safe” path to walk through. I want to not worry about fitting in a booth, or have to sit on the outside because scooting in is too hard.

I want to KNOW that I can run when a G.A. line opens, and not be out of breath halfway there, missing out on front row.

I want my knee not to hurt.

I want to never ask for a seatbelt extender again. Ever.

I want to go to water parks with the kiddos, in a bathing suit, and go down every slide.

I want to walk through Epcot without stopping every few countries for a break. The whole park, without stopping.

I want ride a Segway, just once. :)

I want to be the center of attention.

I want to ride every single roller coaster, without being embarrassed that I can fit in the seat – or that if I DO fit, the harness is going to leave bruises.

I want to wear high heels without fear of falling.

I want to have completely ridiculous sex, without worrying that I’ll hurt my partner or myself, or break a bed, in the process.

I want to NEVER feel judged for what I am eating or ordering.

I want to sit cross-legged on the floor without my feet falling asleep or not being able to get back up.

I want to sit in ANY chair, at ANY time, and not be afraid that I’ll break it.

I want to look down at the scale, and see a weight that starts with “1”.

I want to walk into any store and be able to shop in normal sizes.

I want to buy pretty underwear and bras.

I want to stop wearing spanx.

I want to feel…normal. And I deserve to feel that.

So, Miss Katie – remember these things. And add to the list over the next few months. Enjoy the journey, and the rewards, and know that you did this, for yourself.

Love you.