Don't know if I can do it..

Jun 21, 2012

Today I'm at work, and it's really dead, so it led me to thinking.

Am I fooling myself thinking I can go through with this surgery? Do I really have the willpower to not eat junk when I have such a violent internal struggle with my brain? My relationship with food has been a disastrous one. One day I love food and eat tons, and then other days I am jealous of anorexic people because they don't have a voice in their head telling them to eat ALL the time.  I wish I could eat to live, not live to eat.  I LOVE exercising and going outdoors but I'm so fat I can barely walk 20 minutes without being winded.

My mind is a very cruel mind. My mind depicts me as a monster when I look in the mirror, yet people tell me I'm beautiful. Is it ever going to be easier? Will I eventually break through and see the beauty that others see in me? Will the urge to deface my body ever go away? Will being thin even help me rid myself of this depression and the meds that accompany it?

I think I'm just in a bad place today. It's the one year anniversary of my father-in-laws death and everything just seems so disgusting and depressing. I hope tomorrow is a better day.

1 Comment