teacherkathryn
I'm so grateful
Jul 17, 2008
I feel so lucky to have wonderful people in my life. I am grateful for the supportive people who are helping me with my weightloss journey!
I am also grateful for my students. I think about them every day and I want to do this for them. I want them to have healthier ME and a more comfortable ME.
I got to see 2 of my students this week and I can't tell you how much it brightened my spirit! I'm so grateful that I have such an awesome job and I was blessed with such a wonderful first year of teaching. I had the best class anyone could have ever asked for.
Things on my mind...
Jul 06, 2008
Ok, so Sunday I think I did bad things as a recovering WLS patient.
I ate semi-solid food already BUT I don't think I am in any pain.
I ate canned green beans, canned carrots, mashed potatoes and lunch meat. I chewed it all really well. But I think I over ate late that night. That is slipping back into an old habit. OVEREATTING! That's what got me here in the first place!
My stomach feels kinda ok but how do I know if I have caused my band to slip? What if it slips and I think I need to eat more in order to be full? I guess I will know at my 2 week check up.
I think I am going to lock up my scale. One morning I was jumping for joy because I thought I had lost 10 pounds. Then later that day I was up 2. Then the next morning up 2 more and I hadn't even eaten anything! Maybe I should just put it away for a while. Then again, I hear the "junkie" in me saying, "just one last time, just one last weight in."
I had a coca cola today too. I'm so scared I "stretched" my pouch. I am so scared that I am a HUGE failure. I just needed caffeine SO BAD! I just needed that bubbly taste!
Can I ever have a diet soda again???? PLEASE?????
On a good note, my incisions are healing very well. They are a bit itchy but I'm not picking at them. I hope they don't leave a huge scars but oh well. They are looking better every day.
I wish I could look inside my body and check if everything is all right...............................................
My last meal
Jun 28, 2008
I started to tear up as I was about to order. I was with my good buddy who is a recovering alcholic. He knew exactly how I felt. He felt the same fear and sadness when he knew he was having his last drink.
But what am I sad about? I am going to miss eating those yummy meals. I may be able to eat a bite or two one day. I guess I am going to miss the "after glow" of eating a big yummy meal. You know that overstuffed feeling but you like it cause it was so good going down?
I need to look at the flip side!
One day soon, I am going to put my hands on my hips and say in my super hero voice, "FOOD, YOU HAVE NO POWER OVER ME NOW! MWHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Well.... I'm getting sleepy.
I will write more torrow about the excitement of clear liquids!
Just a thought...
Jun 27, 2008
I've been surfing on ObesityHelp and seen how people are keeping track of their weight.
Is everybody using a scale at home or going to the doctor or going to Weight Watchers or something to keep track?
I want to see my weekly progress so I had weight watchers in mind. That way I could write down what I eat (drink for the first month I guess) and weigh in.
Hmmmmm..... how to keep track.........
Food, Failure, and Fear
Jun 27, 2008
Lap Band Surgery: Monday June 30, 2008
I have been telling people for the past few months that I am not scared about having the surgery but that I was excited.
Now I am getting scared. I have questions. I have doubts.
I'm getting scared about the surgery. I am not worried about the pain but about being under anesthisia (sp?). I am scared of not being in control of my mind and body. I'm afraid of crying in front of my dad.
I'm afraid of failing. I'm sure I will lose SOME weight but I don't want to fail. I don't want to spend all this money and not completely transform my life. I don't want to hear my step mom's nagging. I worry about what people think like,"She had weight loss surgery? She sure didn't lose a lot." I DON'T WANT TO FAIL! I want to get to a healthy weight for my height and stay that way forever. I don't want to worry about going BACK to this size, and these feelings, and this shame I carry around.
I am tired of being the fat friend. I don't go out in groups of people because I don't want to be the fat one.
I'm scared about missing food. Am I never going to get to eat certain things again? Food is my reward and comfort. I guess I will have to find other things to do instead of eating. I guess I need to find something else to do or to reward myself for a special occasion rather than going to a restaurant and chowing down.
What do normal people do they do when they are stressed, angry, or disappointed? What do normal people do when food doesn't control their lives? What do they do with their emotions?
I am going to have a smaller stomach. So I won't be able to eat that much but I don't want to stretch it out. I don't want to waste my surgery. I don't want to waste this opportunity.
A little more than 48 hours until my surgery. I guess I'll sleep on these feelings and see how I feel tomorrow.
