Advice from a Shrinking Fat Man: Underwear

Jan 13, 2009

Let me start off by saying that dropping my pants in front of the nun chatting with homeless children was entirely unintentional.

 

I’ve lost 110 pounds over last year – about 80 pounds on my own, and another 30 since my gastric bypass surgery in November.  Yes, that’s quite an accomplishment.  I get that, believe me.  I’ve shed blood, sweat and Haagen-Dazs to get here.  The many hand made holes in my poor, suffering belt should probably be considered a trophy, a badge of honor of losing the sullen cookie-loving elementary school student that I apparently once wore around my midsection. 

 

That said, I should probably trade in my trophy for a pair of suspenders.  Or novelty underwear.

 

When you lose a lot of weight, you need to be prepared for many changes.  That means:

1>     Being ready to think a new way about food.

2>     Being ready to face exercise with a new mindset.

3>     Being ready to knock over the occasional 7-11 to replace all the clothes you’re outgrowing every two weeks. 

 

While steps one and two have gone smoothly for me so far, my cat seems to have made off with my gun.  Though it’s prevented me from collecting forced fashion donations local convenience store clerks it’s also resolved the local rodent problem so I suppose there’s a balance to all things.  The homeless children’s charity behind my apartment is probably gets the most direct benefit of my having armed my cat, so there’s probably some good Karma in it for me.

 

Being the proud owner of a rapidly shrinking body suddenly creates certain problems.  For example: when climbing the three flights of stairs up to your apartment one hand must, at all times, be holding up your pants.   Don’t let your hands be otherwise occupied by, say, holding a bag of groceries and waving at the nice children next door chatting with the nun that runs the charity.  You may find that that suddenly your ankles are very well covered while your lucky Batman™ Underoos™ are not.

 

Traditionally, the grocery bag must be filled with oranges, apples, or any other round fruit that may go spilling in every direction when you dive to salvage your fallen dignity.  This gives something for the homeless children to pick up and snack on while they watch you try and rearrange yourself as best you’re able.   Nuns are very much in favor of fresh fruit. 

 

In conclusion, when rapidly losing weight, be sure to always wear clean underwear.

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