thinnersinner
I grew up in a small town with parents who were health conscious for the majority of their lives. As a kid, I didn't particularly understand or value health, but I was always outdoors and active. I didn't like the fact that we never had the sugary cereals or a pantry full of food like all the cool kids had. Unfortunately, my grandmother was very enabling to the unhealthy eating habits that my brother and I established. I loved my grandmother dearly, but I sometimes wonder what my weight would have been like had she not bought those donuts and pop.
My brother was naturally very skinny, while I remember dieting for the first time by the age of 11 or 12. I believe I was about 135 lbs. and was able to drop down to 127 or so. I thought, "I wonder if I could just do this forever and get really skinny?" I never did see that "skinny" except for maybe once in my life when I suffered from several bouts of strep throat in a row.
Throughout junior high and high school, I wasn't necessarily the fat kid, but I wasn't thin either. When I went away to college I gained a good 50 lbs. and decided I had enough of that so I made a change in lifestyle. I started exercising and logging my food in a journal. I lost 50-55 lbs. and felt great! I realized that I LOVED to workout. I was counting calories (eating less than 1700 calories a day) and exercising (cardio and strength) 5-6 days a week. I specifically remember telling my mom, "I'll never get that fat again."
Fast forward a few years...I met my husband, got married, and had our baby girl. I remember being completely overwhelmed...I had no confidence in my ability to be a good mom. I know I was and I am, but I questioned it all the time. I went to see my GP and she suggested I take depression/anti-anxiety meds to overcome this. They did make me feel better and I continue to take them to this day. The problem, I believe, is that they made me not care so much...not question myself...and not worry about how I looked or felt. AHHHH it's no big deal was my motto!
Every year, I noticed myself adding 10-15 lbs. Also, working out was now out of the question. I had no time. I was completely devoted to being a mom, a wife, and working full-time. I gradually have packed on my weight and went up in clothing sizes.
My moment of clarity was this summer when I was scheduled to take a trip that would require me to fly on a plane. I knew from a previous flight that I had to have a seat belt extension and my butt barely squeezed in the seat. That was a couple years ago and I knew full well I was in for embarrassment. I would also be with other co-workers who would want to tour the city....and I did too, but knew I probably wouldn't be able to keep up without getting winded and sweating like a farm animal. I had a complete meltdown and was terrified. I didn't make it on the flight. I was so terrified that I threw up, heaved several times, and got the poops for several hours. That was horrible, but I am thankful for that experience in that it brought me to where I am now.
Currently, I am starting to care more about me and what example I am setting for my daughter. My husband has been so understanding and has really helped support me in making my decision to have WLS. He has lost 75 lbs. within the last two years and looks great.
I feel lucky that I haven't had any major life threatening illness, besides asthma that I've had since a child. I know my crossroad is here. I can continue on and these illnesses are most certain or I can start living life and find myself again...the one that loved exercising and eating healthy!
