tinkerbella75

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Well, I made it 24hrs without purging, though I did binge.  I am on my way even though it seems like an uphill climb.  What I had decided was that if I could keep from purging for the next three weeks, I wouldn't consider my bulimia an issue anymore.  I am sure that doesn't sound like long to most, but just ask a heroine addict if they can go three weeks without using.

I have more reason to beat this now in my life than I ever have.  After I binged last night I just sat here hurting and my brain kept telling me how much better I would feel afterward.  I then had a conversation with my brain (yes, I talked to it..lol) and it went sort of like this:

Me:Well, you have two choices now that you have binged.  You can live with the pain of having done it, feel like crap, but atleast know you didn't give into the bulimia.  Or...you can go throw up and possibly have relief physically, yet have to live with the fact that you ended up purging and admitted that you can't beat this even for the surgery that will help give you life.  Those are your choices, what are you going to do?

Brain:hmm...well, this really hurts...but I know that I will beat myself up afterward so that you hurt in a different way.  It's just not worth it (picturing having surgery, being thinner, a baby, going out and living..etc...) so, I say the answer is NO!!! we aren't going to give in, just sit there and live with what you did to yourself..maybe you will think hundred times before you do again.

And that's pretty much exactly how it happened :)

Soooooo...I didn't do it!!!

Now I face another evening and night (my times for binging and purging) hoping and praying that I am able to not only be strong, but be even stronger and not binge at all tonight.

Writing here does help, so I will continue to do that and keep track of how things are going. 

Drea

I had posted on the message boards about my bulimia.  I have come to a huge conclusion or challenge to myself.  I must, and I do mean MUST not have a bulimic episode between now and when I go for my surgery consult.  If I do, then I must admit to myself that I am not ready to make the life changing commitments it takes to have the surgery.

I know that 3 weeks might not seems like a long time, but it really is to me.  I have been fighting this thing for so long, it's almost like a drug.  I know the first few days will be the hardest, but I know inside I am strong enough to beat this whole thing once and for all.

I start with my new therapist on Monday, I am hoping that the relationship with her goes well and I can feel at ease to continue going.  It's hard to switch dr's but I think it's harder to switch nut ones.  You just give so much of yourself and put it all out there, it can be sort of traumatic in and of itself.

I am making this commitment on here and I will keep it updated.  I am also starting a video blog I will put on youtube next week.  I am waiting for the new camera I ordered to come in.  I really wish I could start it at the same time as I do this, but putting it off for a few more days just for that reason isn't worth it.

I am going to control my body instead of letting it control me, or rather letting my head do the lying for it.

I will pray about it and I know it will happen.  I suspect the first few days will be the hardest, sort of like any withdraw from a drug would be.

This is the beginning of my new life, it all comes down to these few weeks.  I need to prove to myself that I can do anything I need to in order for all of this to succeed. 

I have no idea why my words are all mushed together, but hopefully I will figure that out. I promise I do use the space bar when needed :)

Drea