Tiny_Kiwi_Trouble

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Today is day two of my giving up energy drinks… and so far I’m doing ok.. this morning was a little hard when I woke up and the first thing I do is go to the fridge and open my V
And I felt a little headachy off and on today.. and I’m trying to cut down on the ibuprofen because I just about live on that stuff, and I won’t be allowed it after surgery, but I hope my headaches and my backache goes away along with my weight ;)

I’ve read and listen/watched so many blogs about WLS and I’m loving hearing everyone’s stories before and after but one thing I’ve really noticed out of everyone’s blogs is no one talks about how freaken scared they are before the surgery? Or how they were dragging kicking and screaming into surgery.. now don’t get me wrong I really really want this surgery but I’m scared freaken chit less!!! What if it all goes horribly wrong and I die and leave 3 kids alone with their father!! Omg that would be the worst, I lay awake at night thinking about this.. does it keep anyone else awake? I’ve written letters to my boys L which was so hard.. and I wonder if I’m being totally selfish doing this to myself and them?! However if I don’t do something I guess I will be dead soon enough because my weight is going to kill me.. My kids are my whole life I can’t wait till we can run and play, and ride bikes and go hiking together again. Just simply things like walking down to the store are impossible for me, both mentally and physically.

Well I went and had my blood tests a few days ago but they seemed to have stuffed it up somehow.. in fact I think it was my GP that wrong the tests down wrong when she re-ordered them.. On the original letter from the surgeon said I needed to fast which I did and I’d need to be at the lab for 2 hours while they did a glucose tolerance test, which I did not.. I turned up and the lab lady took me straight away and I said, oh I need to be here two hours right? And she looked over my form and said nope just these and you are free to go.. I couldn’t very well say I had the tests reordered so I didn’t have to pay hehe so I just smiled sweetly and left, all the time thinking HELL now what do I do. Anyway tomorrow I have my appointment with the nurse, I’m not sure what will be done then but I guess I’ll find out…

 

I have been in the worse possible mood lately.. like worse than normal.. really uptight, screaming a lot.. I mean yelling, just being totally unreasonable.
Tonight I have to fast for my blood tests tomorrow.. anyway Weston cooked dinner, and normally its really nice but tonight it sucked! It was totally inedible and so I gave it back making up an excuse about how I wasn’t feeling well.. then I realized that I wasn’t going to be eating until tomorrow lunch time and now was sort of my last chance to have anything.. so Weston whipped me up something else. While I was sitting down to eat his cell phone was running hot with text messages, and I casually asked him who they were from and he screamed at me! So I yelled back “What’s wrong are you hiding something from me again?” and he threw the phone down on the table.. and it bounced up and into my dinner.. well I saw red and picked up my plate and threw it dinner and all towards him and then took his phone and threw it hard outside on the concrete… this is so totally out of character for me.
So I ended up eating 3 chocolate biscuits for dinner grrrr no ideal I know.

This week the ball is really rolling, tomorrow I have my pre-op blood tests (which I got for free) and then Thursday I have an appointment with the surgeons nurse and then Friday I get to meet the surgeon himself. Hopefully I will get the date for my surgery and then… I have to give up smoking!! And my energy drink habit. God how the hell am I going to give up smoking during such a stressful time.. the thought of having surgery scares me so much, never mind the staying in the hospital.. the anxiety over that is totally freaking me out, but if I really want this and I do then I have to get over this.. and giving up smoking and v are the first real leaps toward my new healthy smaller life!!

 

I guess I should explain that where I live we don’t have health insurance and these operations have to be paid for privately, so we have to get a loan or re mortgage the house or some other way of raising the money, my surgery is going to cost $23 000 but that doesn’t include the pre-op appointments or the lab work.. After trying unsuccessfully to re mortgage the house to pay for this my father offered to pay.. this is a great gift of life, but and please don’t take me wrong, I do not mean to sound ungrateful at all, but these things always come with a price tag.

Growing up I was always told I was fat, overweight, huge, by my father and my mother, my Mothers favorite saying was “I could stand here and watch you grow” anytime I went to the cupboard. My Dad would call me Fat chops, chubby chops, and was forever making sure I knew how useless I was.

Looking back at photos I was cuddle but now where near overweight or obese but now I’m huge, unhealthy and close to death!! I can’t walk anywhere or stand for any length of time without medication for my back, I don’t go out because I’m so embarrassed about how I look.

I was meant to be fasting tonight so I could have my pre-op blood tests tomorrow, but I've hit a snag, they now charge $260.00 for lab work for elective surgery and I have no way of paying for this.. so I have go to my regular doctor (who is hopeless) and ask if they can order the same tests for me so they will be free, getting into my doctor is always a challenge in itself, as they are extremely busy and there is no regular Dr on duty, its just whoever they can get to work, it is a medical center for low income families, so you just get to see whoever happens to be working, there is no continuity of care there. But I will give it my best shot. I hope I get someone nice and sympathic who will order the same tests and forward them to the surgeon if not I don’t know what I’ll do.
I keep thinking something is going to stop me from having this surgery, because I’ve failed at the everything else I have tried, I feel like my life has stopped and I’m waiting now, waiting for my rebirth, now I’m in a cocoon waiting for become a butterfly.

 

Last night I had a sleep study done; this was done at home after my attempt to stay over night in the hospital failed due to panic attacks.
A lovely lady called Dee came and wired me all up and explained what each wire does and what they were looking for. Weston sat on the couch and made fun of me, asking if I could tune in radio stations with those wires and where was the remote control, that he might finally get some housework out of me.. he is always very funny.
The kids just couldn’t help themselves even though they had gone to be an hour before the lady arrived that came out to peek at their Mummy being wired up. They weren’t frightened at all, which I was a little worried about.

The thing that came to mind the most was.. look at what my uncontrollable passion for fat food has done to my body! I stop breathing at night because of the weight on my airways. I might need to have assisted sleep with a cpap machine which will blow air into my airways all night to keep them open so that I don’t stop breathing and put stress on my other major organs.
I got Weston to take photos of me, which was so hard, I hate having my photo taken but I need to see just how I look, just how pathetic I have become, because I just can’t say no or stop myself from killing myself with food. This will be a reminder of how life was before my surgery.