Tommiek
I just don't know.....
May 16, 2009
I had my surgery on May 11, 2009.... Now I'm wondering if it was the right thing to do and would love to have a reversal. I have so many emotions running through me that I just can't get a handle on. Maybe that is part of the process I just don't know.. I feel helpless not like myself.I can't sleep because I don't own a recliner and I can't lay flat on my back without causing every other part of my body to hurt. I sleep only a couple hours at a time in the living room on a chair.. It's not comfy but at least I can sleep for 2 hours a night right. I try to nap but get woken up by the kids being loud well just being kids I guess.
My husband is to go back to work on Monday but I don't feel emotionally ready to be alone with my 3 yr old all day. I only take my pain meds at night because I don't feel that I need them during the day and once he goes back to work I will have to cut that out because I have to take kids to and from school.
I've really tried to be positive but after pretending all day the real me emerged with all my self doubt. I think I dove into this surgery too quickly after meeting with the surgeon only about 2 1/2 weeks.. But I had been in the process of getting it done before we got orders to move here to Sheppard AFB, TX. So I had done a lot of research on it well before hand.
I want to be happy looking into the furture but I can't see past the I can't sleep... I don't get enough fluids even though I drink all day. I'm afraid to eat even with the Bypass Diet sheet right in front of me. I long for the test of pizza while the aroma fills my house even though I'm not hungry that is the only smell I have been able to tolerate.
If I could go back in time I would have back out of the surgery and been 100% ok with it. Maybe I am just supposed to be a fat woman and I didn't think I was ok with that but I have come to accept it over the years. I feel so isolated I only have my husband that I know here and I feel cut off from all my friends from back home. At least if we were still in SC i would have the support of my friends.
My husband tries but when I'm crying he gives me a hug and tell me to stop because It will be worth it to me in a couple of weeks. I know tha tis probably the case but don't dismiss my feelings so quickly.... I can't sleep but he has not once offered to sleep in the living room with me so I wouldn't be alone. I feel so damn alone that all I want to do is curl up in a ball and not be bothered by anyone.. Too bad it hurts too much to do that all I can do is walk, sip and sit on the chair and try to get some sleep but that isn't working none of it. Maybe I'm afraid of faliure after this and lose the weight just to regain it all later.
Hell if I know I'm just really emotional and have no where to turn but my blog here. People that aren't close family or friends don't even know I had the surgery because I am afraid they would think I took the easy way out over diet and exercise.... Just put me out of my misery for another day I guess fuck I don't know....
Guess getting my feelings out in the open here are better than botteling them up... I just don't know....
