UtopianDream
Below I have written a summary of my entire life story, because I think that every little thing we experience contributes to who we are; the bad and the good and everything in between. As you will read, I have struggled with mental illness, heartache, failures, and weight issues, and many more obstacles but this story has a happy ending, which ended up being a new beginning.
Here is my story...
My childhood was like a dream from which I never wanted to wake. I grew up with fun loving parents, 5 playful siblings, 3 family businesses where I loved to work and hang out, and a huge backyard complete with sandbox and baseball field. But around age 12 I did wake up.
I felt my first bout of depression the summer of my 12th year. I remember clearly thinking that life would never be fun again. I began feeling so alone that I cried in the shower every morning. By age 17 mania had taken over and I became a hyper sexual insomniac and a morbid depressive, sometimes within the same day. I was a party animal, the life of the party, and basically out of control. I was a workout-aholic and ate tiny meals - I was 125 lbs at 5 ft 8 - very fit and beautiful but I never felt good about myself. A social worker suggested I may be anorexic (which wasn't true) and possibly Bipolar but I refused to go back to her because I was convinced she was out to get me and that she was on my mom's side (regular teenage rebellion and maybe a touch of paranoia).
My first few years of college were a flurry of motivation, long hours of jobs and school, an active social life, and little sleep. I was on top of my game and things were looking up! When I transferred to a larger university at age 21, I had high ambitions for a bright future and lifelong success.
Then something changed in my mind.
Some say mental illness is sudden - like a snap. That is how it felt for me around age 22. I stopped functioning, missed classes, cut off my social life, and locked myself in my college dorm room most days; crying, not eating, suicidal. Finally convinced by friends that I was sick, I sought my first treatment with a psychiatrist, who diagnosed Bipolar Disorder and prescribed my first anti-depressant and mood stabilizer. But to my surprise their effects were not instant; it was not a cure. I went from a grade point of 3.85 to a 2.80 in my last year at the university. I rushed my graduation in general Liberal Arts because, due to my declining mental health, I couldn't finish in my major of English like I had planned and hoped.
The rest of my 20s were spent tweaking medication - extreme ups and downs, withdrawals from one med and side effects of next one. The meds made me gain weight, lose memory, and other horrid things over the years and only work sometimes. I was a mess and after 2004 I could no longer work and my marriage was suffering (for which I blamed myself; it took years to free myself of that guilt). Some days I wish I could erase my 20s and my marriage to a man who cheated on me after saying for 8 years that we will get through the illness together.
Realizing divorce was eminent and trying to keep my head above water, I applied for Social Security disability (SSD and SSI) and was turned down twice. Years later I hired a pro-bono lawyer who won my disability; $600 monthly plus 2 years of back pay (which paid off all my debts). I also received Medicare and Medicaid to help pay for prescriptions and medical expenses.
After the divorce (and his immediate marriage to his mistress), I was 30 and obese and had given up on life completely. I moved to an isolated rental home and became a hermit, hiding from everyone who ever cared about me. Eating, sleeping, and online gaming became extreme addictions and used them to drown my tears.
Something had to give.
When my father died in 2010, everything changed. I realized what mattered in life and my view of "why bother, we all die and no one remembers us anyway" began to shift to "why not have fun on this ride called life and make every moment count." I made the decision to wipe my slate clean; I started to focus on getting well.
Because I had doubled my weight in 7 years (150lbs to 299lbs), I underwent gastric bypass surgery in January 2012. Trouble breathing and painful joints quickly morphed to more energy, a better mood and attitude, a love of exercise and the outdoors, and the desire to mend fences with family and friends; spending more time with others and less time alone. In just under 3 months, I had lost 65 pounds and had regained (or maybe gained for the first time since childhood) the desire to live life to its fullest.
I started to seriously evaluate every aspect of my life, starting with my explosive and needy relationships with men. For the first time in decades, I was single and actually happy without a man! It took some time and soul searching but I now believe strongly in the saying that you cannot truly love another without first liking yourself. All my adult life, I had repeatedly made the mistake of holding onto men just so I wouldn't be alone, no matter how unprepared I was for relationships and no matter how bad they were for me. I will not attempt another serious relationship until I am ok with me.
It has been a long hard road but I believe I am a better person for having persevered for 35 years on this rocky road. One of the best things I did was mourn the old me and realize that now this is who I am and I need to keep working toward any form of wellness that makes life worth living. I honestly feel better today than I have since I was a child but the roller coaster ride is never over so I must just strap myself in and brace for, and enjoy, the ride.
About Me
Before & After
rollover to see after photo
