May 12, 2010 Despair and frustration

May 12, 2010

Its been almost 2 years since my last post and I have no good news to report... I have struggled with my band on a daily basis , I have restriction yet I binge and purge at every meal , I drink sugary drinks , ice cream( cuz it goes through well and tastes grreat ) I have lost some weight and gained some weight at christmas this year I weighed 310 lbs , right now I stand at 299 lbs and in october of 2008 I was at 276 lbs which has been been my lowest weight to date... I  feel like I'm losing control , I have wanted nothing more in my life then to be small and feel normal yet I feel like I lack the desire to get there  and I cant understand why ... I know its hard work and requires persistence but I just seem to get lost so easily and I feel like I'm constantly starting over and gaining NO ground !! I'm frustrated !!! I have no job right now and I still want to get pregant and the Docs keep telling me you have to lose weight .... I feel pressure to lose weight to get a job because I feel self conscious and feel like the skinny girl will undoubtedly get the job over the fat girl !!and I want a family more then anything yet once again the weight is in my way ....for as long as I can remember weight has been in my way it seems like every aspiration I've had has been dashed by this... I'm soo sick of being a victim to this and I want to gain control... Today I've decided to begin ..not begin again... I  hopefully will keep this blog updated and stay true to myself...

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