WannaBFit71

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 Yesterday I had a good day. For the first time I got ALL my protein in!! I also felt better. I was able to eat without throwing up at all (for the first time in days and days)

Also I hadn't been taking my Actigall for almost two weeks. I refilled the prescription and I wonder if that may have something to do with me feeling like I couldn't eat much, and throwing up when I did. I honestly don't know.

I didn't get all 64oz of water in but I did drink almost half of that...which IS an improvement but I will keep working on succeeding at that.

Another thing that was really nice is the night before yesterday I went to my neices' place and my one said, "oh my gosh you look skinnier!" I was like "oh yes SKINNYer...sure sure!" haha  Also yesterday my boss asked me how much I had lost so far. I said about 35 lbs and he said he can really tell I'm losing. He said when I came in the office yesterday morning it was really noticable.

Yeah!!! :)

I said, "only 800 more pounds to go!"  hehe

To me getting in the protein, not vomitting, staying a lot busier in the evening after work (chores) and drinking more (and getting ALLLLL my pills and vities in) is a nice little ledge of success. Even if just for one day I want to acknowledge the benefits of doing it.

I am working on it today, too. I have had 50grams of protein so far. I'm having a muscle milk for breakfast (22g) and a Protein "Shot" (which tastes rough) but it has 26 grams of protein. Then later I will have a protein bar which will put me at 60+. It's all the water I need to work on...I haven't been keeping a water bottle with me like they tell us we should and I'm gonna change that pronto.

Okay well that's it for now.... :)

Okay well I am at approx 35 lbs down. That is about 3/4 a lb a day (avg) even though I know I lost more in the very beginning than I am now. Today I bought some more protein items. Protein Shots that are 26 grams of protein per "shot"   They aren't the tastiest, a little salty for fruit punch flavored but what are ya gonna do? :) 

I also bought some one pound weights to use when I start walking. I should have been walking already, but I've used the snow and cold as an excuse not to, but it's melting and I'm getting a little excited, like a dog with a wagging tail about getting to go out and walk around town. I just moved and I live in the heart of our downtown area so I am kind of looking forward to putting in some earbuds and going out a while.

Anyway....gonna keep on keeping on. I sure wish it was dropping faster. I bought myself a 4x tshirt and hoddie tonight. They fit but form fitting. Not happy, but, maybe in a week or two? Or three? (sigh)

Bye for now!  

Well here I am, tomorrow will be my 6 wks post op date!

I have to say all has gone as well as it could have possibly gone. I'm grateful for that. I was humbled after surgery because I had no idea how much pain there would be in recovery. When I got home there was PAIN and I slept in a Lazy-Boy for the entire month following. Every day the pain lessened, but for the first 4 weeks there was pain, especially in the incision site on my left side. The largest one!

I'm finding it very challenging (and hard) to get all of my protein in, and all of my water. Supposed to get a minimum of 60 grams of protein and 64 oz of water. When I went into this I thought "pshaw! 64 grams of protein?! piece of cake!!" Well it isn't.

I haven't had a huge issue with "dumping syndrome" as far as how it is described with breaking out into sweats and feeling like you're gonna die until it passes. What I have had is if I eat too much or if my pouch isn't "in the mood" it comes back up on me. That's that. It's not overly painful, but I get the feeling I am gonna have to "chuck" and I do.

I can tolerate almost anything, although I haven't gotten into trying any fast food, fried foods (although I did eat a french frie or two at Big Boy several weeks back that did fine) and I'm not getting into sweets.

I am no longer liking my chewable vitamins! I never thought I'd say that, but I'm trying to get em down. Also, I am not as thrilled with the protein shakes as I used to be. I did recently try a sample of Unjury plain/tasteless protein powder my nut gave me and I was amazed. I am going to order some of that online because if I can sprinkle that on and in everything I think I'll be set. I am about 6 weeks out and I'm worried I'm gonna lose my hair if I don't get it under control.

Also I find it a bit confusing to really know what to eat. I am hoping to get better at that.

At surgery I was 349 lbs. A week out I lost 10 (but I say 12 cause I weighed myself with my shoes on, a hoodie, and my blackberry was in my pocket) What can I say? I had to add that! hehe   At my follow up I was 28 down. (321)  That sort of disappointed me because I was really, really feeling a huge difference in my clothes. Everything has gotten looser, and I am down a pants size. One pair I can't even wear anymore, they're just too big. *yeah!!*  And I heard the bigger you are the more you drop immediately, so I was kind of expecting to see over 30 gone. When it was under 30 I felt a little embarassed and sad. I mean, I'm hardly eating! I can barely eat much and hardly can keep anything down....but....(sigh) I am glad I am losing and I am glad I had the surgery.

Now it is time to begin exercising. I imagine I could have started sooner, but I battle with extreme laziness so, maybe I'm just a woos?!

I am looking forward to Spring and for all the snow to melt so I can begin walking the neighborhood everyday. My goal is 30 minutes a day even if I have to break it up in half or even three 10 minute walks. Whatever works, I hope to do.

I also have to work on drinking more water. I love hot tea but if I get even three mugfuls in a day I feel loaded.

I think I need to also get mealtimes set. I seem to be, not exactly grazing, but whenever I do try to eat, it seems like I am not able to eat anough. I eat until I am full, and if it doesn't come up on me, I wait and begin drinking....then I feel a little hungry later on...wait...then nibble a little.....over and over. I'm not actually having three meals a day and I'm not ever really feeling as if I'm satisfied. I'm confused on what to do about that.

For instance, today, after I got up (which was later in the day) I had less than half of a chicken pot pie. Hadn't had anything to drink yet. I was full, so I waited a half an hour and began drinking a protein shake. I got that down, felt okay, but aldo still felt thirsty, so I began drinking peach tea flavored water....a few sips of that and I felt like I'd overdone it. Felt like I was gonna throw up. Very icky feeling. Nothing came up....so...I took my pepcid after about a half an hour...

Laid down....slept a little....woke up a couple hours later and felt better.

Felt hungry, but had no real appetite for anything. Had a couple pita chips with garlic hummus. Not a great choice I think, since it wasn't really all protein. That sat well....wasn't a meal, but I didn't over do it....it was just a little nibble really.

Waited a bit, went into the kitchen knowing I needed to EAT something...opted for a protein shake. I made TWO in one big glass and began sipping on it....didn't even get through more than a third of it when I felt full. It went to the fridge, and after an hour or two I felt so hungry, but didn't really know what to eat, or even if I wanted anything, so I had a slice of wheat bread with some peanut butter on it. Felt full, waited, and then began sipping more tea/water.

Overall I've had less than 60 g of protein, way less than 64oz of water, and it's after 11pm!

And I'm feeling a lil hungry. I mean, I feel HUNGER but I can barely eat much if I bother to try.

I hope to get this figured out soon. I thought I'd just blend chicken or steak in a food processor with some favorite sauce and spoon feed it to myself and vwalla! All would be well, but my pouch has a mind of it's own!

Sometimes I can tolerate chicken and other times I can't. Not even sure about beef yet.  The one thing I enjoy and goes down fairly well is Wendy's chili. Honestly! They said (the hospital) that I could have it, and I've tried it, and it goes down just fine. I can eat at least a half of one no problem...which I find odd because sometimes I can't put hardly anything in before feeling full, but that Chili goes down so well and easy! One day I was eating so much I couldn't believe it was going down so well without making me feel full or stuffed! Weird.

Anyway....this has gotten long and I wanted to write.

Overall I began on Jan 12 at 349 lbs, a week and a day later I was 339. five weeks out I was at 321. Two nights ago I weighed 313 on the Wii Fit board, but I don't know if that's accurate or not compared to the scale at the hospital. If so I would have lost 8 lbs in 3 days so, I don't know about that. I want to update my ticker but my old jillopy of a computer wouldn't cooperate tonight. :)

I'm gonna keep on keepin' on...with God's help! I hope all will continue going well and I pray to get the protien in so I don't start losing hair. My hair is so thin already!

Best wishes to everyone out there!

Julz

January 12, 2011!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Two days before New Year's I start the two week liquid pre-op diet and I'm looking forward to it.

Finally...this has taken all year and I honestly believe that it has been a bit too long. But...I'm glad for it and I hope and pray that all goes well.

There has been a lot that has gone on in the past five months but I will blog about it later.

Julz 

 I'm not sure why I haven't been on here to journal in so many months but here I am! A lot has been happening. I've been continuing on my journey towards having RNY. I have met with the Psychologist once in person, and one discussion on the telephone. I've gone to the Get Set group, which lasted about 5 weeks and I really enjoyed the meetings and meeting the people in the group. It was very beneficial. I have met with my Nutritionist twice, and just this past Friday I met Dr. Cetin. He is wonderful. So is my Nutritionist, and the woman who led our group, I think she is a psychologist but I forget her exact title right now. All of them are at Cleveland Clinic in Ohio. They are wonderful. I am going to have Dr. Chand perform my surgery. I was going to go with Dr. Schauer, but I have met Dr. Chand in the past and heard only, only, ONLY good things about him, plus I liked him VERY much after meeting him a few years ago.

I've lost about 9 lbs since April. I had to wait almost three months to finally start seeing the Psychologist after I went to the group. That was a bit frustrating. Being a person who is trying to learn some discipline (since I'm so very undisciplined) is very hard. I do well for a bit and then fall down, get back up again, and fall again. I guess he most important thing is to never stop trying and never stop getting back up?! 

I'm enjoying the "protein first" plan I'm trying to make a habit. Getting 60 grams of protein in before anything else. I'm doing well on that. I'm finding I don't want to eat as much or as often as the protein does keep me more satiated. I'm planning better. I take protein bars or something healthy with me when I go places so I don't feel so tempted by fast food. I am going to be working on stopping drinking with meals. I do okay at it, but need to get really good at that. No drinking a half hour before a meal, and only drinking something a half hour after, not before that time is getting easier, although I have to really be mindful of it or my old ways are still kind of habitual for me. I need to work more on walking every other day. I'd like to be a person who walks every single day. I pray that will come. I still want to hide away from people. It's not even that I don't like myself, I just don't like how a lot of people look at me when I do go out. That is something that I cannot wait to (hopefully) not have to experience very often.

I've been coming to terms with the fact I've been in denial about how difficult it is to do things at this weight. Right now I'm at 343 (even though I think I may have dropped a couple pounds...my scale is still screaming E at me when I weigh myself!) I am in denial that since I can go up and down stairs, and walk (!!!) that I'm not in as bad of condition as I really am.

Last time I scrubbed my shower I was a complete ball of sweat. My heart was pounding and I was floored at how much I was sweating and how I needed to take a break to cool off when all I was doing was scrubbing my shower. That's when it hit me that my house is not messy because I'm just a lazy slob, it's messy because I can't do things as easily and quickly as I used to. It honestly was like an epiphany. I put off doing things because it's hard to do them and it's uncomfortable to do them. I dislike sweating around other people, so I simply move as little as possible. Imagine that! I look forward, God willing, to being able to do more without becoming a sweaty mess or getting red in the face and needing to sit near a fan to cool off my inner temperature so I don't go and get a terrible headache.

I started doing my nails and toe nails and wearing some makeup more often. I still don't like to bother with it so much. I feel like it's never right. I have a bad complexion, with many blemishes. I feel if I wear makeup, it looks silly if I don't have a good hair style. Right now my hair is just straight and long. I just got some trimmed and it looks nice and healthy, but I think I'm going to go get it styled (even though I can't afford to spend the money) and with my hair looking more stylish, it will feel more "right" when I put on my makeup. Baby steps I guess.

I also have gotten myself a local counselor. I believe I may be the kind of person who experiences some emotional issues regarding not being able to actually eat when I want to if I am having stress. I mean, I am a food addict. I'm learning to try to replace the habit of eating for things like boredom, sadness, anger, frustration, lonliness (you name it really) and not turn to food. To go do something or go for a walk, or take a bath, or do my nails, or give myself a pedicure, etc....instead of not doing anything to take care of myself, hiding away with food in front of the tv.

I also got rid of my big screen tv and my entire living room suite. Yes, if I couldn't discipline myself from sitting down so darned much, I decided I'd remove the furniture my ass was stuck to!

Right now the only soft furniture in this house is our beds!! I have found my kids and I are watching a lot less tv....now to get rid of the Internet!!! Haha....well I'm not ready for that yet, but if I can't get some balance in my life, I just may someday! 

So...here's where I'm at....things are looking good. I have to get an EKG because I discussed some concerns and fears of mine with Dr. Cetin and I welcome it. I am going to go for a sleep study to make sure I don't have sleep apnea. I'm okay with that, too! I still need to get my bloodwork taken, and meet with my Nutritionist one more time, and hopefully be cleared by her. (She is fabulous, a really great and supportive woman!) Also, I have to meet with the Psychologist one more time and hopefully be cleared (even though I'm not sure she will...she seems a little difficult to talk to....but I am following her directions as best as I can...so I'm hoping!) If she clears me, and Dr. Cetin clears me, and the Nutritionist clears me, I will be meeting with Dr. Chand and hopefully getting my surgery date. Dr. Cetin said it could be as soon as August or September if I keep doing well and get cleared. My next appts are July 27 and Aug 4th.  I am looking forward to it very much. I'm looking forward to finally getting "there."

I know this will be hard. I know I will be in a lot of pain for some time. I know getting to know my "new" stomach will take time and wont always be easy. I expect to be frustrated and I expect to feel sad or even angry at times when I'm around a lot of food and can't really eat much of it. I hope to feel happy about it, too, at times. I sincerely would like to be at a social gathering and not be paranoid about everyone there looking at me with pity or disgust. I would like to be at a social gathering and have one glass of something last me a long time and not to feel overly tempted to eat and nibble and focus on food. Or really, not to wish I could make a plate of food and want to go off alone and eat it so nobody would see me eat (which I can never do anyway) and eat something while believing everyone is secretly thinking "she shouldn't be eating that." or "she so doesn't need that."  

I don't believe that every single person I ever come in contact with does thing those things, but at my weight an size, the truth is, it's like people who are my friends and who like to have me around seem to have this air about them as if they are tolerating my problem. Like I'm lucky they will have me. I also think I may have some trouble when people who I believe have that mindset deep down might treat me better, or more accepted as I lose weight. I want people to treat me better, and I understand that our society is brainwashed against fat of any kind for the most part, so I understand it's not really their fault, but at the same time, while I hope to get accepted and complimented, I wonder if deep down I will feel like projectile vomitting on someone due to the difference in the way I may be treated based on my looks.

I look forward to my heart not having to work so hard, and I look forward to having less weight on my bones and joints and discs in my spine. I look forward to needing less food to feel satiated. I look forward to being able to (God willing and hopefully) move faster and more without sweating or getting hot and here it is..........being able to wear cuter clothes! Wait...not cuter....but CUTE clothes. Nothing I own is "cute." 

I hope I will remember to exercise so I can tone up as I lose. Dr. Cetin said I should be able to (on average) lose 170 in 6 months. I hope and pray that everything goes as well as possible. I hope and pray that even though I am so very much a sinner that God will bless me and help me.

I have some issues with men. I have recently, though, gotten involved in two relationships. One was short lived and sexual. It was like, as soon as I started doing more with myself and going to that group, I started feeling better about myself. I did my nails and my toes and curled my hair and put it up some instead of just clipping it all back in a hair clip, and even put some makeup on....and I guess I carried myself a little differently because a man who practically detested me (and I him) when we met two years ago (but have over time gotten to become rather friendly) began making passes at me. Even though I know he isn't right for me, something woke up in me that has been dormant for a long time and I (morally I know I did the wrong thing) went for it. We had a couple of encounters where we both knew they were just that...and we still see and get along quite well...but I really enjoyed that. I wish I hadn't liked it so much because I am Christian and I believe it is wrong, but I did enjoy it. And I'm now in a relationship with a man I am very fond of. I think he is very, very sweet and when I met him I thought "hey I must not be dead...because I'd kiss him!"  Well for the past couple of months we see each other, text and call....and....well these are new experiences for me.  I got divorced ten, almost eleven years ago and have mostly been completely abstinent. Men are not nice to me. They simply don't see me as a woman. My current boyfriend knows I'm going to have surgery, but he is actually a guy who likes fat women. I've heard of them, but he's only really the second one I've ever met. He likes, and I mean LIKES fat rolls. It kind of makes me wonder how...and he likes me just how I am. That feels so good. At the same time, On a different note, I wonder if he will still want to be with me if I am thinner. I don't think I'm not going to have "rolls" but I don't know what I'm going to look like. I guess the truth is, it shouldn't matter. If he doesn't like me after, then it's just another guy who puts too much emphasis on looks rather than inner and it will be what it will be. I sure do like him,though and he does care about my health. It's not like he's against the surgery either. I am babbling.

I feel like women who are married and go through this have a man in their lives who has seen them before, during, and after. I am single. Truthfully, I don't want any other people to see me naked now or touch me now (accept for my Woobie!) but after I lose (hopefully and Lord willing) approximately 150-200 lbs, I am going to have a LOT of excess skin. I don't know if i will be able to get coverage for skin removal...so, how do you go about finding someone who will not be disgusted if you look one way with clothes on and then when they're off you look like a deflated balloon?

I am jumping ahead I'm sure....and I don't overly fret about this. My hope, however, is to live through surgery, and do well so even to have to deal with it is much better than dying too soon. I so hope I am not going to die in surgery or after. I am a little afraid of that. I trust God, and I think I am with a very good hospital and Bariatric team, so...I think I need to chill on that and go to bed since it is 1:06am!

I wanted to update where I'm at...and the journey continues!  

 Hello :)
This week has been pretty good. I don't know why I didn't journal, but here I am anyway!
I have lost 3/4 of an in. on my neck. Didn't measure anywhere else but my forearm (I think!) I don't know how much weight I have lost, but I do know this: my underwear is larger now. I can pull it up so high and roll it down so it wont be too baggy under my pants. My pants are feeling looser, my shirts are too, although not that much. The steering wheel doesn't rub against my stomach, either! This makes me feel really happy! I check my whole body every night and morning in front of the mirrow. My Panniculus (ew) is rising higher. I have to acknowledge that because I tend to forget how big it was (and of course, still is.) It is so when I hold my stomach in, I can see my (forgive me, but here it is in it's full candid ugliness) cooter "puff". What I mean by that is that even THERE there is a fat roll...at least it can be seen in the mirror now and not completely concealed. Yeah! (yeah?!)

I believe I am shrinking my internal stomach by eating much smaller portions. I am still eating more than I need to, and surely more than I will be able to after surgery, however, it feels really good to actually see evidence that the small steps I'm taking are working and I'm moving forward.

I hope to hear from the WLS/CC docs in the mail this week. Supposed to get a date in the mail when I go see the NUT and Psych and maybe a one on one with the surgeon.

I had both parts of my stress test done. I am a little concerned in that Friday the doctor's office called my home twice, but I was at work. I want to know what they have to say...why did they call the DAY AFTER. Is there something alarming found? If there was, wouldn't they have called me at work or on my cell phone, too? Their number is on my caller ID twice...so...all I can do is wait until Monday, however, I do notice that I have a pressure around my heart and I don't know if it's serious or not. I don't know if it's anxiety or stress or much worse. Praying I'm okay, and praying that if something is wrong, that it can be fixed and that having this surgery may help improve my heart health immediately. For this reason I really have hopes, and a feeling, that I may be able to be having surgery by March or April at the latest....we'll see!! It's okay if I'm wrong. I put it on here to see...the gut feeling is strong. I have prayed to God that if it is NOT His will for me to have this, that something will get in the way (save my death!) And if it IS His will, that all goes well with smooth sailing.

I am tickled that I'm feeling differences in my body. I find my body to be a very fastinating thing!! An amazing creation!! I am so blessed and grateful that everything in my body works just as it should, and that I've got all my fingers and toes, etc. I'll update about my heart health as soon as I hear anything.

I am finding that I'm beginning to think that maybe before the end of the year, I could be at least 100 lbs lighter.

I have looked online at some clothes, then I got stuck on girdles!
I wonder if girdles will help hold in excess skin, and maybe then, that can help it shrink?

The fat on my stomach (Panniculus) is so big. I can honestly see that if I don't do something, I will end up being like one of those poor women I've seen, where their pani hangs clear down to their knees. I don't want that to happen. I don't want to BE that person. Not that anyone does...and I'm not BETTER than anyone else who deals with that, but I really don't think I will escape that if I just keep doing/living (not living) how I have been for so long.

I can ONLY imagine being able to dress as I'd like to. I am artsy and classic. It's weird. I would love to wear skirts every single day!!! I want to feel feminine and get all the pleasures that being a girl in America affords....pretty clothes, pretty nails, pretty hairstyle, pretty makeup...and so much more energy. I had so much to do today in a short time...I really DID take less time in the store AND I wasn't totally sweating in my private areas, and wasn't too tired to take the cart back to the cart corral, wasn't having it take everything out of me to just get to my seat....(although I did shop in about 2/3 less the time...I had a list and a time limit!)

I'm gonna end here for now...I have a phone call :) Here's to moving forward...

 Hidy Ho...It's been a busy Fri & Sat, & I was so tired I slept in late today (Sunday!) I really had a very, very great weekend...but Friday involved going out of town and out to eat...and on Saturday I went to my WLS Workshop!! I really think I want Dr. Schauer to be my surgeon. I was so sleepy, though, I had a hard time staying awake! I woke up late and rushed over there without much more than about a half a cup of water to sip on during the half hour drive there. Meeting was fine...the workbooks they hand out have changed quite a bit in the past 2 and a half years! Thinner and more condensed information! :)

 On Friday, I felt so good that while on the way, we were all hungry. My vehicle broke down and it added a couple hours onto the trip so our dinner plans were delayed. So we opted to grab double cheeseburgers from BK...(my two kids, my Aunt, and me.) I also got a bottle of water and avoided soda! Yeah me...I was very aware of chewing slowly and savoring it while chewing it to sauce! I ate until I felt satisfied, felt a tiny TWING feeling in my stomach, and offered the rest of my burger to whoever else wanted it! (I have almost NEVER done that!) :) Also, picked off all the extra bun that had no meat by it to bite into...That was really all I'd eaten all day other than a few spoonfuls of this DELISH protein shake I'd made! My kids LOVED it (PB, Banana, Vanilla Soy Protein Pwdr, Milk, and a bit of maple sugar to sweeten a bit...SO FREAKING DELISH!!) Here is where I get a some confusion:

We went to Red Lobster...We had a long wait so three of our group went to the bar for a cocktail...I ordered a Triple Berry Sangria(HOLY CANOLI...IT LOOKED AND TASTED SO FREAKING GOOD!!!) When I received the drink, the three hunks of fruit, as well as the glass itself, looked like an entire meal to me. It really did. And I was so amazed and shocked and HAPPY to realize I was actually feeling FULL after drinking not much more than about 1/6th of the drink. Seriously! I actually thought that I could slowly eat the fruit and avoid a meal and be completely satiated and happy! BUT...this was Red Lobster. Honestly, I hadn't been to a Red Lobster in approx 9 years! I also have never tasted Lobster tail. Seriously...it was a special night and I was going to spend some money without fear or worry and I really wanted some lobster and crab legs!
 
I avoided the bread, right? But the rolls looked so good, they were seasoned cheddar baked roll(s)...I took one, and I ate little nibbles of part of one roll...then came the salad. Thinking it looked so HUGE, I divided it up between three, but my kids said they didn't want any. I had a small portion (Caesar salad) but then with all the waiting...I wound up eating the whole salad. Honestly I could have stopped there if I didn't want to just enjoy the food so much. (worry setting in...)I ordered a platter that the kids and I split. Also, I ordered three 1/2 lb additions of snow crab legs. Sounds like a LOT but really the snow crab was a simple but enough portion in which I really did NOT feel like a pig, since I was splitting the platter among three! I avoided potatoes and rice...it had a small, split, lobster tail, four fried butterfly shrimp, a little blue dish of about 6-8 shrimp in some seasoned butter w/ herbs, a side of steamed broccoli...

I had 1/3 of each of the two halves of the small lobster tail (and LOVED IT!) 2 fried shrimp dipped in cocktail sauce, the cup or so of broccoli, the little oval dish of herb-butter shrimp which had like 6-8 shrimp, 1 crab-leg, and thennnn had another cheddar baked biscuit torn into pieces and soaked in the herb-butter left from the shrimp. Seriously. Gung ho...so what confuses the HECK out of me is how I could go from feeling almost uncomfortably stuffed full from the drink alone, to being able to eat not just a meal, but really...too much of a meal?

This is what confuses and concerns me a bit. So...after we left the restaurant, we were driving around the city, sight seeing-and I began to suddenly feel uncomfortable. Had some heat flash thingies going on, some stomach discomfort...I don't know if it was the driving, or the butter, or the carbs from the bread...it was unpleasant, but it passed finally!  Later, later, later that night I had a taste of the kids' cheesecake that I bought them to share, and a while after that, one crab leg. (I wound up taking mine home! Didn't eat them at RL) 2 glasses of ice water, as well.

Saturday comes, the day of my WLS Workshop and I oversleep! (Probably because I didn't get to bed until after 4am!) But I rush off for that and only really had about a half cup of water to sip on the way. Felt so sleepy during the meeting I was struggling to stay awake, but I was listenning!! Just felt embarassed about being so dozy! After that I stopped at a Wendy's. I ordered a five pc chkn nugget (no sauce) and a small fry, and iced tea that I added some sweetener to.) Pulled over to eat slowly...ate the nuggets but had only about *almost* half the fries w/ ketchup. Threw the rest away. Waited a good half hour before sipping on the tea.

So far so good, for the most part...however, going to Cleveland means being near White Castle. We don't have those near where I live. My son absolutely loves them (as do I...well at least I used to!) So of COURSE we had to plan to go there and not only HAVE a few, but bring some HOME to have, too! I felt extremely tired and a little stressed (super slow service) and ate 5 White Castles, a few pieces of Fried Okra (I'd never tasted okra before) I didn't order a drink, but I did grab a few sips of my daughter's coke. Yeah. Didn't wait a half hour for drinking. Didn't avoid soda. Just went for it! (Must be that whole "well I've blown it now, so, why not go all the way" mentality?!) I feel I should have only had 2 white castles, not 5. I should have tasted the Okra and then stopped after 2 or 3 of those little buggers, but I didn't. I didn't eat a whole order, but I did have well over 2 or 3.

Being tired and eating junk food seem to trigger a blow out in me.

After we traveled back to home territory I went into my Aunt's place, and made some coffee. I had a cup of coffee with creamer BUT I also had 2 fig newtons, a piece of breaded pork chop that I snuck off a much larger piece and ate, all without waiting a half hour before or after the coffee. (sigh) I wondered why I could toss all the effort of eating less and moving forward and there I was...BACKSLIDING!!!

After we came home, guess who snacked on White Castles throughout the night and next day? Wanna hint? Oh, don't even need one, eh? Right...ME! I can't tell you how many I had in total, but it was many (we bought a crave case home with about 13 or so...)

Overall, bottom line...I overate Saturday and Sunday BIG TIME. I am glad, however, that I do feel and see that I've lost some weight this week. My underwear is making me feel like I'm shrinking in a very fast rate (but you know...it's really not THAT much of a loss...my scale still wont do anything for me but shun me! I am sitting here now, though, feeling uncomfortable. It's not the same over stuffed feeling of the night of the chips mix, but it IS uncomfortable. I'm clearly FULL and kind of wish I could "get rid" of it. I'd consider vomitting it up if I wasn't as extremely tired as I am right now. I hope I can get up, dust off, and keep moving forward on the journey to make my stomach smaller inside (before surgery) and also pay attention to protein first, no liquids half hour before or after meals, etc.

There is still more I want to journal but I am super tired and this, as usual, is already very long!! If you've read this...thank you. Thanks for taking the time to read what I've written!

I'll write more soon!! On to day 8!

  Welpsies...today has been a wonderful day! I am on *Day 5* of working at getting myself used to smaller portions. The past couple of days I've been doing better at sipping Crystal Light (well the generic equivalent, but you know...) and also focusing on protein first. I know I am losing weight because my clothes are fitting looser. My pants can be pulled up much higher. My underwear is larger, my bras not as tight, and this morning a shirt I usually stretch both ways (side to side AND lengthwise) before leaving the house, went on without any need to stretch and the tummerhangin's weren't below the hemline! Odd, but I do like days like this! LOL

    I got my Dr. to send me for a stress test. I figure since I'm 38, at least 355 lbs (still don't know for sure) have had extreme emotional trauma in my childhood and 20's, am an ex-smoker (and ex-toker), am extremely inactive for the most part, that mayyyyyybe it's a good idea to see what my ticker looks like, sayyyyy, beFORE the AUTOPSY! (Yeah, I watch Dr.G Medical Examiner...gets ya thinkin'!)

    It is a wierd feeling that, even though I have no idea if I'm going to get bad news or not, that there I was, lying in a medical machine that was checking out my heart feeling HAPPY, or at least RELIEVED, that someone was taking me seriously enough to have me go for tests to see where I'm at. I find it odd that with all of my risk factors for heart disease, heart attack, and stroke, that no doctors have really taken my fears/concerns very far. 

    Next Thursday I go for the second test...it's where they look at my heart under stress. Today's was at rest just following a high fat meal. Oh, and yes, you read that right! Ha...they had me fast, and I did. Then I go in (thinking I wont be eating until after noon) and they inject me with some radioactive solution and send me down to the cafeteria with the instructions to eat a high fat (caffeine free) meal! (WHAT?!) haha...so..as much as I kind of wanted to go gung ho, I have been eating small portions for days so I had 1 egg overeasy, 2 slices of bacon (with approx 2T ketchup) and a slice of cinnamon raisin toast with butter AND a half pint carton of Vitamin D (yeah D!!!) milk...you know what? It was PLENTY! I mean I really could have eaten twice that, but I know I'd have felt FULL.

  I'm also finding I am unsure if I feel full after eating a reasonable portion. After breakfast, I felt fine. Not overstuffed, and not hungry. But that feeling is hard for me to describe or even identify. I don't know how to explain it. I couldn't tell if I was full or what that feeling is. I think a normal weight/non food addict has a different "feeling" of full than someone like me has.

  Without realizing it, I can eat until I'm stuffed. That is and has been the norm for me for quite some time. I didn't really know it, though. Yesterday at work I ate something (a jar of fuji apples) and I really found that my actual MOUTH felt like it was eating differently. I was savoring it naturally. It was almost a more sensual way of eating, and it was happening without me trying...this is gonna sound totally, completely STUPID, but I noticed that I was eating more like how I think pretty women eat. (I saw a video of myself eating that my son took at a restaurant while messing around with my cell phone, and it was horrendous. I wasn't pigging out or anything, but I was stunned at how I looked, at how my face looked, eating. It bugged me how I looked, well, when I was eating those apples yesteray, my mouth really felt and ATE differently.) I guess that's part of the savoring part of it? It was the first solid food I had eaten all day, and it was healthy and delicious! :)

 Okay moving on...(I know I write a lot and sometimes it's ridiculous stuff, but...this IS my journal, so...)        

  Another thing I want to say that has changed during these five days, is portions. This was really sucky the first 3 days...and I know I haven't mastered it or anything, but it does feel good to make a game plan if you're gonna be around a lot of food. Last night I had a kids' birthday party to go to after work and I literally made a game plan so I wouldn't blow all my efforts. I mean I really DO want to shrink my stomach quite a bit. If I'm gonna have to do liquid diet for 2 weeks before surgery, and then two weeks after...I don't want to suffer total deprivation, you know? So I planned to make sure I stay aware of my portion sizes, to drink ice water, and see how it goes...
   
...they had chili, hot dogs, cornbread casserole, tons of chips and cookies out, plus cake and ice cream, right? (I had no idea what was on the menu!) So I went with approx 3/4-1c of chili with some cheddar cheese & onions on it and a hot dog on a plate with a "line" of ketchup with onions and cheese on that. I wanted a taste of the cornbread caserole and that's just what I had...one spoon-taste! Not even a big spoonful or big bite! Just a taste!!  The spoon went right to the sink after, too, so no chance of a second bite! No hot dog bun :)  No pop :) No Crackers or Sour Cream in the Chili :) No Cookies :)  No Cake :) No Ice Cream :) and No Chips!! :)  The thing is that I was there for about 4 hours. I stayed on my feet the whole time...no sitting...an hour later I did have a second serving of what I had the first time...eaten slowly...then as the night went on, the corn chips were calling my name!! I did have some corn chips and some chex out of a bag of Chex Mix...and I did take ONE small sour cream and onion potato chip, took a nibble...HATED the taste, & threw the chip away! All in all I'd say I had a good sized handful of cornchips/chex over the course of 2 hours standing and chattin' and laughing my butt off! It really felt good to be in control of my eating for a change!! (I hope and PRAY it lasts) I never have been able to do it for more than 8 months. That's the longest until I reverted back to my old ways. God help me, please.  

  Oh, and when after I left the hospital, I thought about stopping for a burger. (It's weird that that pops into my mind often.) After work yesterday I was gonna grab some nuggets to hold me over til the party...but I wasn't physically hungry so I told myself "you can wait for dinner at the party, Julie." No suffering involved. (Thank GOD) Then after the party, I thought I should grab a burger because it had been hours since I'd eaten a meal and had to fast after midnight (what the HECK?!) I thought, "no, if I'm hungry we have Totino's pizza in the freezer, or Tyson Chicken Nuggets to make at home." So knowing I'd be tempted with fattening food choices I took the kids to Subway (as they said THEY were hungry) and we all split a sub. Usually I'd eat a 12 inch on my own. I felt great that I chose a better choice and split it up EVEN THOUGH none of us really NEEDED food at 10pm. So, back to today...for lunch I hit the grocery store, bought bananas, tuna, whole wheat bread, and carrots...came home, had about 8-10 baby carrots with 3 tsp of ranch, half a sliced banana, and half toasted tuna sandwich, without a drink! And it was EFFORTLESS and it was ENOUGH!! So, for today, all is super good! Not perfect, but freakin' good!! I hope I can make wiser choices the next time I'm stressed out because that's a huge trigger for me.

  I guess I'll end this BOOK for now! :) I'm holding good thoughts for all of the other people struggling with their weight, health, eating habits, and learning to prepare for, and/or live with WLS.

Julz

1/18/10
Hello...so far today is weird for me because I kind of totally slept in. I didn't eat a thing all day up until 3PM. (That's if you don't include what I ate and wrote about eating at about 3-4am)

I think it's working that I'm shrinking my stomach a little bit. I grabbed some leftovers from dinner last night. It consisted of approx 1-2c of mac n cheese and a piece of thick pork chop. I mean, not even a whole one...I put ketchup on them (yeah I'm that way) and sat down to eat. And I got full half way through! I stopped eating right there. Walked away from it. I'm not stuffed full, but where I know my stomach has enough. Just wanted to journal that.

Going to try to focus on water/liquids/and protein intake.

I'm preop, but I know grabbing any pasta like I did is a mega-no-nono.

I'll probably write more later.


4:30PM-eating (slowly) a chopped up hard boiled egg w/ a smidge of mayo & pepper.
    Sipping Crystal Light...

For dinner I ate alright...first I measured my food...had only one cup of food on my plate. Half a cup of flavored rice, and half a cup of sesame chicken that you heat up in your own oven. Not great health benefits, but hey, I measured!

I can see I'm gonna have to struggle with not drinking with meals. I also need to keep a timer handy and make sure I dont drink half hour before or half hour after eating. That's a new thing to try. Another thing I have to work on, is not taking MORE after I've measured out a good portion and feel fine after eating it! Because that is exactly what I did!! So, for dinner I really ate more like two cups of food, not one.

Then later (I'm totally PMSing) I got all irritated and upset and went right for the kitchen...and I ate approx another cup of leftover dinner. Nice, yes, I know. I'm clearly very good at admitting I'm stupid and have major problems with emotional eating.

I also ate a few pieces of chocolate bar. Yeah..oh yeah. I did. (sigh) I guess I should be glad I only ate a piece and not a whole candy bar?

So...here is what I've learned so far, in the past three days:

I'm a food addict. I totally chow when I'm upset.
I have to work on not drinking with, before, and immediately after meals.
I have been away for 2 and a half years, not 3+ as I thought (I got out my old CC Workbook)
That I didn't step up to the plate when the hard work had to begin...when I saw the NUT and she gave me the weight I had to get down to before surgery (306) and needed to begin litearlly following her reccomendations on what to and not to eat and how to chew...I bailed :(  I didn't even know I bailed, but I bailed.

It is my hopes that learning this about myself, acknowledging my problems, and facing them head on will help me achieve my goals this time...I surely hope this will be the case.     

Okay, so here I am...up too late again. Today (well yesterday/Sunday) my focus on my relationship with food was to try to work at making my stomach, as it is now, smaller. This is really embarassing, but I'm going to put it here in case it can be of help to someone else.

Two nights ago I was sitting here, at my desk, late at night, frustrated and confused, with a bowl of snack food that I'd originally poured for my two kids and one of their friends. It was a snack mix of pretzels, cheetos, corn chips, and dorito-like chips. I never even bought a barrel (yes barrel) of snacks like this before. Anyway...

The original intent was to take the bowl from the living room and pour them back into the barrel or the trash...but I stopped at my desk....and here's what I did...this was alarming to me...but here it is in all it's disgusting ugliness:

As I sat here, online, I was eating the contents of that bowl as if there was not going to be a tomorrow. I'd be reading and ask dot com-ing, and all that that entails and I noticed I was so full that I was unfomfortable, right? Well guess what I also noticed about my fine self? I still kept eating! Yeah!! I'd literally be eating those chips until I had to stop, sit up taller, and breathe in deeply, and yet I'd still eat some more. (Talk about self destructive behavior!)

It really disgusted me and surprised me that I would eat crap to the point I was so full I had to breathe in and sit up to try to (I guess) make room for my expanding (internal organ) stomach...and yet still shovel some more in...even as I was taking note of my stupid, disturbing behavior.

Well, needless to say...the next day I took it a little easier on my body and when I was out shopping I was really stuck in the baby food section. Staring at the tiny jars, thinking about WLS, smaller (tiny) portions, etc, and I bought myself three stage 1 fruits. Not entirely for the food, but to have the three (adorable) little jars. (Silly...yes, I am, I know.)

So...this morning (well actually today is now Monday, so YESTERDAY morning) I had stage 1 apples for breakfast with this little spoon I have. I tried not to even scoop it, but rather dip the spoon into it and then eat what was on that spoon. I worked at eating slowly, and just wanting to see what I physically felt like after consuming 2.5 oz of pureé. For my coffee, I used this little tiny coffee mug and saucer a dear friend of mine sent from Germany. It can't hold more than 3.5 oz...and I just sipped coffee. I had a total of three cups of coffee in that little mug throughout the morning. And I really noticed if you have tinier portions, I could sip and savor it just fine. Of course I was making the effort. Most day's I'd down that coffee as if it were a shot!

So...anyway...I'm just writing to get it out. To have reference to it for the future, and maybe, it may help someone else. Who knows. I'm just really amazed at how I'd still eat knowing I was uncomfortably full. I mean, I know I've done this over the course of my life, but usually, since I know I can eat something whenever I want, I don't really usually stuff myself to a very uncomfortable state.

Oh, okay and let me share this, too! haha...at lunchtime I made totino's pizza's for the kids with the intent, yeah keep reading, this is a doozy, to pureé some crap pizza and see what it was like. The kids turned their noses up at the pizza so what did I do? Miss nutrition over here? I cut up and put an entire small pizza into the blender and added hot water to it and puree'd that sucker up. No kidding! It tasted kind of good even though it looked like sheer vomit.

I ate a baby food jar full of it. Oh yes I did, not to mention that I also ate a slice of it while I was blending it up. 

Yes, I know we shouldn't eat junk food in pureé form. I do. I really do. I just wanted to see what a small pureéd portion would look, taste, and feel like. Never ate anymore of it throughout the day.

For dinner, I made seasoned pork chops, mac n cheese, and asparagus. I used a small plate, small fork and small glass. (As if small untencils will make me tiny) And I did well. My kids were even like "you need to eat more." Oh yeah, I did have seconds...but still...even with that, it was less than I would have eaten, so I felt good that I did a little positive on the eating less today "thing" I am trying to do.

But here is something that steams me about myself...it's the middle of the night. Here I am. Up. And it's a problem because that's when I can add the calories of a meal or two into my life where it should not go.

I was in bed two hours ago. I was awake and feeling hungry. I sipped water. I refused to get up. Until I thought about the fact I had some protein powder in the pantry that I never openned. So up I got. Had a really good tasting 6 oz vanilla protein shake as I sat down to check out the website....hmm hmmm hmmmm.....but did I stop there?

Huh uh. Nope. You guessed it. ARGH!!!!  I tried to be good at first. Grabbed a small handful of nuts. (Dr Oz would've been proud, I thought.)

Then my cat annoyed me by pushing over something, so I picked it up, and headed for the fridge!! I then got a piece of cold pork chop, put ketchup on it, and ate that, too.

WHAT THE HELL?!?!?!??!?! 

So now I'm annoyed with myself, up too late, wishing I'd have stayed in bed sipping water, and may have been asleep by now if I'd have stayed! UGH...

at least I have this extremely embarassing, candid blog about my addiction to food and my lack of control over my eating.

Okay...I need to go to bed...don't even want to, but need to...(if you've read all this...please pray for me.)