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I can't believe that it's already been one year for me. Honestly, if I had to do this all over today, this very second, I would. Definitely.

This time last year, had I said that running will be my new favorite hobby, I would have thought myself insane! But it is...I love running...even if it's only for a few minutes at a time, in spurts...I can actually say, "I ran today." This time last year, I couldn't even sweep & mop my floor without taking breaks because I thought my back was surely gonna break. This time last year, I had no confidence & no hope for myself at all...in any way. I truly thought that my morbid obesity would be my way out of this world. One year after, sometimes, this surgery is still all that I think about. All day. I cannot believe how it has affected my life in so MANY ways.  I truly believe that it is the reason I am who I am today...and that is a better person, both physically & mentally. :)

I'm not gonna lie and say that it's easy, because it's not. When people say it's hard to accept that you are no longer that person you once were, it's true...at least for me it was and still is. I've been a big girl all of my life, so it's all that I've really ever known. I still find myself walking in the plus size clothing area, I still can't take compliments well, I still think that when a guy hits on me, it must be some kinda joke, and I still have it in my brain that I can't do certain things because of my weight, so I never even attempt to try them. It does take some getting used to all of it...and I'm still learning every day to accept those words, "I CAN." 

A few complaints (but worth it) : The hair loss is terrible! But, I knew that it was inevitable. My hair was always on the thin side already, but after my surgery, I had to find new ways to fix my hair to cover up the hair loss. Most of the time I wear it down. It's slowly growing back some. I also think that I'm gonna be one of the people who is gonna have to get my gallbladder taken out sooner or later. I can feel it. I'm gonna come right out and say it, I can't stand the extra skin! My upper legs, arms, boobs, and stomach are terrible! I made a promise to myself that as soon as I can find extra work, I'm definitely looking into more surgery. My arms don't bother me as much as the rest, so I think I'd save that for last, and I've always considered getting breast implants, because honestly, there was never much to them anyway. Haha. So, the question with that is, "Silicone or saline?" I think some of my friends & family think I'm joking when I say all of this about getting work done, but I can't be any more serious. I deserve to be happy not only in a healthy way, but also with my physical appearance. Why not? Ya know? Of course, these are just little complaints right now. If I had to live with myself like this forever, I wouldn't care. Extra skin & all. The good that came from this surgery, for me, will ALWAYS outweigh the bad.

I'd also like to take this time to thank my surgeon, Dr. Brent Bruderer, for saving my life! Because in the end, it truly is what he did! There aren't enough words in the dictionary to express all of my thanks & gratitude towards this man. He made me love my life and want to live my life again. He made me realize that my life was worth living and that I deserve to live it healthy. Thank you, Dr. Bruderer, for giving me my life back. I will forever be greatful to you. :)

Anyway, I am down 125 pounds. I started at 335, and I am now at 210. WOW! I've never been this weight. EVER! Haha. Well, not that I can remember anyway. My long term goal is to get to 160 and my new short term goal, is just to get to under 200, which is reasonable to me, since I don't even remember EVER weighing in the 100's. I can honestly say that if my weight loss were to end today, I would be happy with it because I've never felt so healthy in my life, and I love it! :)

In ending with this blog post, I'd like to say to those just starting out on this journey, I wish you strength. Even when you think there is no hope. I know what it's like. We were all there at one point. As cheesy as it may sound, remember that you are worth fighting for. So, stick to it, and NEVER EVER give up on the fight to get healthy. It's awesome! :)

Happy New Year to everyone!

What a great start to the new year for me. I am down 73 pounds!! It is absolutely unbelievable. Dare I say...it is awesomely RAD! Ha.

With the new year, I've been taking some time just reflecting on my past & future health & past & future life. Just last year at this time I was thinking that this would never happen for me. I was so sad & in a constant pity party with myself daily, and honestly, I am upset with the person that I was just a year ago. How could I have let myself get that far & to that point? I truly did try everything & anything under the sun to try & stay healthy but I believe things happen for a reason & for some reason the day I finally got my surgery date was thee day that would change the rest of my life!  I know it. Once again, I have to say that this surgery was my life saver, my hero, as lame as that may sound. Haha.

I am so happy with with the person that I have become in just this last (almost) 4 months. I mean come on, 73 pounds in just (almost) 4 months!! That truly is something great. I've got this crazy energy that I just cannot seem to settle. I swear, somedays I should probably be on Ritalin. I don't want be home anymore. I wanna be doing something...anything! Just typing this makes me all kinds of excited. Haha...

So...to the people just beginning their journey's remember, this takes patience & work & a lot of miserable days but if you could stick it out, the benefits definitely outweigh everything else. Believe me! I waited almost 6 years for a surgery date & I know 6 years is a very long time. But once again, things happen for a reason & I believe there was reason for that long wait. My surgery day was meant to be when it was & I am happy I had it when I did. I wouldn't change that life changing day for anything in the world.

I am almost healthy & that's all that matters to me because that means my life, my future. I am excited for the future me and I can't wait, I can't wait...I CAN'T WAIT! I see a happy/fun/daring/confident Joelle in my future.  Yay. :)

This surgery truely changed my life in just this past 3 months. I wouldn't change anything about it & I feel great! No back pain when I walk & that's HUGE for me. My back used to get numb from just sweeping my kitchen, but not anymore. I can sweep for days. Haha. Of course, I'm exaggerating...but you get the point. =)

I have my rough days & my good days, but nothing too serious at all. One of the little problems I have is that I cannot eat white bread...AT ALL. I've tried it twice & both times it felt stuck in my chest for a whole day. I have tried whole wheat toast & it did seem to go down better than the white. But I digress, with the bread thing, the less carbs I can handle...the better! Ha. Carbs were my numero uno enemy before surgery. And  I can honestly say that it don't matter if I eat white bread ever again, because I've never felt any better than I do now & I don't wish for it all.

It's so crazy how my taste buds have changed throughout this 3 month process so far. Before surgery, I could have eaten pizza EVERY single day. It was my favorite meal. EVER.  But now when I cook it for my family, I can't even stand to look at it sometimes! It's so crazy! A lot of the things I enjoyed before I don't enjoy anymore. But I guess that in itself is also a good thing! I can say that the choices I made before surgery weren't all that great anyway. Haha. =)

I'm not saying that this is the easiest thing, because it's not...especially emotionally. There are days that I wish I can eat like I used to, especially with the holidays upon us. My family uses food for comfort & celebration, which we do a lot of. It is hard to see the others eat & enjoy themselves so much & still yet, 3 months after, I'll make myself a plate with more food on it than what I can even handle. Just used of it I guess. I waste a lot! Haha. I just keep in mind that I am far too scared to get sick & I remember why I did this in the first place & I will  not be a failure. To the people that say this is the easy way out...I say walk a mile in my shoes...because it's far from it. So many changes, and still changes every single day but I am hitting them head on as they come. It's a plus that my 2 sisters & sister-in-law are always there to talk about things when I'm having a rough day or they are. It definitely helps to know someone else who's been through this. When I say not everyone is the same, believe me...it's true. Especially with this surgery. I try not to ever compare myself with them & what they've been through.  I've noticed the 4 of us are so different from one another in so many ways.

I've also noticed for the past 3 weeks, my hair has been falling out like crazy. I was hoping the day wouldn't come at all, but it has come in full force. My hair is thin enough already. I can't afford to lose more. Some days, it makes me wanna cry even. If anyone is reading this...is there any type of vitamin that I can take for hair loss that will work? If so, I'd greatly appreciate it if you let me know which!  The hair loss is awful.

All in all, over 60 pounds loss so far. Some days I feel like I'm not losing fast enough, but then I sit back & realize...I couldn't have done this without the surgery & 60 is the greatest weight loss I've ever had in my life. As far as I can remember. I can honestly say, I now know that this surgery has saved my life and I am thankful for it every single day. I'm not sure if I am the only one, but somedays, it's all that I think about. I think about my future as a healthy person. What I want to do, experience...everything I couldn't do before that I'll be able to do now. It's a great feeling...it is a blessing!

Whew. I know it's only been a month today, but it seems like forever already. Anyway, I am down 36 pounds...in one month!That. Is. Extraordinary! I started at 335 and I am now 299.02 to be exact. Haha. I am under 300, which was my first goal. Yay me!

I went to my first check-up last week & they say everything is going great. Even though, I was worried about what I thought I was doing wrong or if I was even doing okay. Turns out, I am right on track and Dr. Bruderer's nurse said I am at the point where I can pretty much eat anything now. Well...I mean anything that'll agree with the surgery...in small amounts.
The thing is, I have been feeling very "ishy" about everything that I can eat though. I mean, I wish for something...I try it, only to find out, it's not as good as I thought it would be. I don't know what happened to my appetite. It's very emotional more than physical for me now. The things I used to LOVE so much, just don't look that great anymore...and I guess that's probably a good thing. But I do hope that changes. The only thing that  seems great to me is crackers & cheese. Take yesterday, I've been wishing for veggie soup, so I buy me a can and after I ate very little of it, I just wasn't as interested in it as I thought I was. It's so weird. If it were up to me, I'd never eat, but I have to...so I do. And protein is another story. I cannot find one that I can tolerate. I feel so successful so far, despite my appetite, but if I fail at something with this surgery, it will be because of my lack of protein intake. Sad thing about this is, being unemployed, I cannot afford to try different flavors.

Anyway, after everything...I try to think about my weight loss so far and use that for positivity and it does help. I mean, my surgeon says I'm doing good so far, so that's great! Just wish I could kick this "pregnanty feeling." Haha. That's how my oldest sister, who got the surgery in June describes it. And speaking of which, we just found out last week that she IS indeed pregnant. I know, what a shocker. She's only just 3 months out, I cannot imagine how scared she feels. No wonder she always said that. Haha. All along, she was, in fact, pregnant. Anyway, they are taking extra precautions with her because she's only just 3 months out. She says that she's never been this sick through any of her pregnancies...which is to be expected. I feel so sorry for her, because I really can't imagine how sick she must be. We are hoping for the best for her throughout her pregnancy. Her doctor says it isn't uncommon but she must watch her nutrients throughout her pregnancy and that she may still lose weight, but she should gain at least 20 during the 9 months and after she has the baby, she'll start losing again.

Another update, one of my other sisters just had the surgery last week on the 13th. She's doing great so far, but she tells me she regrets her choice a lot. All I can do is be there for her & tell her that things do get better with every passing day because I don't know how she feels. I do not regret my surgery EVER...and if I did, it was maybe only once so far.

This surgery has already done so much for me. I am not taking my blood pressure pills no longer because it's normal. I can wear flip flops without the risk of getting swollen feet the size of Texas, my back no longer hurts when I do something and I get to buy new clothes soon! That's always a plus. Haha. Just today, I was reading my profile and I had a little moment. It's so surreal to me to see my surgery date and my surgeon's name under my picture. I know it's probably nothing, but for 6 years it was always empty! There was a time when I didn't think I'd ever get to put my surgery date or my surgeon's name for that matter under my little picture on my profile!! Sorta silly huh? Haha. But it makes me so happy. I am there! I am FINALLY on the road to becoming healthy, and so far...success!  It does feel great...and I guess...I gotta accept that "ishy" feeling that comes with eating, along with this journey.

By this time next year, first I hope to see myself working full time again, and also on my journey to getting brand new boobies. TMI? Probably. But it's always been a long term goal for me. Haha.

So, I am one week post-op today. I have to say, I think that I am doing well. I didn't think I'd ever be able to get sleep after the first few days, but every night I am getting more & more sleep. I swear, my first 2 days home, I got maybe 4 hours of sleep altogether. It was rough. Not that I was in pain or anything...I just COULD NOT sleep. I have no idea why.

As for eating, I'm following my surgeon's menu plan. Sometimes, I feel like I'm even over doing it, or that I'm not eating enough. I'll get a hang of this soon enough though. I believe it takes some getting used to. Teaching myself to eat all over again...it's not as easy as one would think. I'm not rushing or anything...I want to follow my surgeon's plan exactly as it states, that way I know I am not doing anything wrong...but, I wish I was at the point where I could sit down with my family & eat what they eat, instead of cooking something differently every meal. It just feels really weird. This is what my family does, we eat together and it's just odd that I can't eat what they eat. It's almost hard to do, but I always keep in mind the reason why I am doing this...and there is no turning back now. Haha. Not that I regret it. Because I don't. I know, I know, it's only been one week, but when I mean sitting down to eat what they eat, I don't mean doing/eating the same that has gotten me to this point. I mean, just being able to eat what they eat, but not as much. Ya know?

Today, I started the Full Liquid Pureed Diet. I'll be on this for a week & then next week...I get to east crisp white toast!!! The thing is, another  weird thing about this is that when I get to the point that I get to eat something that I am anxious to eat...it just does not look good anymore when I can eat it. Haha. Example, I was so anxious to start SF pudding today and I have to say, it doesn't look that good. I know I'm not the only one like this. I've been frequenting the RNY forum and I've been seeing it a lot. But instead of starving myself, even though I don't want to eat, I eat anyway.

Right now, I am drinking a scoop of protein with a cup of skim milk and so far, so good. Yes! The dreaded protein seems to be going down okay, right now. =)

Well, just thought I'd update. I have so much to say and then when I come here to say it...I usually forget what I had to say. Haha. Anyway, I'll keep updating!

=)

Hi, I am home! I got discharged from the hospital yesterday, 9/23. So far...so good. =)

Anyway, a little about my stay there. So, I got there on Sunday night at midnight. I got checked in, changed into my gown, signed a few papers & got an IV put in...after 3 tries.

Well, I had an okay nights sleep, wasn't much nervous at all. I got woken up at about 6:45 and taken into a room where I laid in a bed for a few minutes waiting to go into the surgery room. There I got something to "relax." Let me tell you, it did help me actually relax quiet well. I wasn't nervous at all. Which is suprising, because I've never had surgery, of any type, in my life. Anyway, a few minutes later, they rolled me into the surgery room where I hopped onto another bed/table & honestly...that's all I remember in that room. Haha. It was weird. I remember waking up seeing my family around me and I did talk to them a bit. I was in and out most of the day/night.

The next day, still a little fuzzy...but I remember getting up to walk for the first time and how great it felt just to be up. Most of the day though, I slept like a baby in a reclining chair and I have to say, that was my last best sleep I got while in the hospital. I had the most hardest time trying to get comfortable in the hospital bed & in the chair after that. It was just plain awful, and if I have to complain about anything during my stay, it will be about the beds. They were pure torture. Dr. Bruderer said beds are made that way to get people up & about right away. Haha. THe more I was out of the beds, the better for me. So, as you probably know, I was always walking.

All the days I was in the hospital, I got shots in my tummy for prevention of blood clots. I thought they were gonna hurt, but honesty, I didn't even really feel them. The vein that my IV was in blew, so after 7 tries...YES, 7 tries...and 3 different people, they finally found a spot to put my IV back in. I have the bruises to show it, and now today, lets just say, I look like a heroin addict. Sorry, if that's stereotypical of me to say that. But I do. I was a pin cushion for a few days. Haha.


As for eating, I had jello a few times, the best italian ice in the world, some chicken/beef broth a few times & grape juice & apple juice. It's such a strange feeling to get full so fast and it's a different type of feeling full. Sorta hard to explain. I do notice if I drank to fast, I would need to burp, but I just couldn't.  The only thing I had a hard time & am still having a hard time getting down is the jello. I was never much of a jello person, but I am following my doctors menu right on.

Anway, yesterday, I knew my dad & brother were on their way to pick me up so I was up bright & early about 6 a.m. Haha. I was anxious to get up and out of those blasted beds! I took my shower, got my IV taken out and went over some paper work. It was over a 3 hour drive home & let me tell you, the worst drive home ever. Haha. But I made it, and I'm so happy.

Now, here I am. Everything seems to be going okay so far. Except, I got this weird/strange feeling. I'm pretty sure it's from the anesthesia. It's like I'm aware that I am here, but then am I really? See, I told you, strange! Haha. I can't even explain. My sister said she felt the same way for a bit & that it eventually goes away.

Well, that was my stay in the hospital. Maybe I've missed a few things out and if I did, I'll come back and revise this post.

One last thing, just remember every day gets better. =)

Just a few more days and you know what I'm thinking about the most? What I'm nervous about the most? It's not the physical pain due to the surgery, it's the emotional. I can't even put it into words how to explain it. See, this is who I've been my whole life. I've always been the "big girl", for as long as I can remember.  I admit, that I almost let it define my life. I am not afraid to admit anymore that I let my obesity revolve around my life, the choices that I've made, the things that I've done or the things that I didn't do. Most of all, I want to finally be healthy & I want to finally be able to do the things that have held me back for so long and that makes me anxious. But, what I question the most now is, will it be hard seeing myself change so much when I'm so used to this? You know?  I guess I'll see when the time comes. Maybe it won't even be that big of a deal then. Maybe all of my anxiousness, nervousness & all the other feelings that I am feeling are just getting the best of me...we'll see. Hmm?

Anyway,  I've been busy getting my bag ready for the day, can't forget my chapstick! Ha. I've also been reading my book provided by Dr. Bruderer over & over, making sure that I don't forget to read anything important. I'm pretty much set. I'll try to put in another post before the day...

I made it to my preop this past Monday. I had to take an EKG, Chest Xray & some blood work, which all turned out to be fine. When I first got there, Dr. Bruderer's staff went over the surgery with me and let me know what to expect with the surgery, including my stay while in the hospital. I also asked a few questions. I then met with a  bariatric nutritionist about the diet that I will need to follow after surgery. I am still very impressed with his staff. I've never been treated so kindly by a hospital staff. I like the thought that it seems they truly do care about how their patients do with the surgery. They're not just, "Hey, cut, cut, & now your off." Haha. They assured me that they will take care of me the best possible way that they can during my stay, and before & after surgery...and I trust them for that. =)

Anyway, as the days get closer, and man, are they going by fast, I am getting super anxious, and honestly, I'm also a little scared too. I've never been through any kind of surgery in my life, but I guess that is to be expected with my first time going under.

Well, that is it for now. I'll  update before surgery.

Just thought I'd stop in to give a little update. Nothing much to update but...

I FINALLY GOT MY SURGERY DATE! YAY ME! September 20, 2010! Whew!
 
I've been waiting for this day for over 7 years and it's just over a month away. I am so happy! My pre-op is August 23. On that day I meet with a dietician to go over the GBP lifetime diet & I'll also have to take an EKG, Chest X-ray & get my blood drawn for a few labs.
 
I'll keep posting as the days draw near. Right now, I'm feeing just so happy & anxious. I can't feel anything else but that.

To everyone on this journey I say to you: There are days I wanted to just give up on all of this because I felt that it would never happen, but I didn't! I kept on. PLEASE...NEVER, EVER GIVE UP! I cannot stress this enough!

Hey, just another update. So, in my last post I stated that my oldest sister, Amy, had her surgery last week.  She's doing great. She's already back at work. I realize that everyone is different but I think she should have given herself at least one more week of rest. She has alot of energy already, so maybe that's why she felt she was ready to go back. Anyway,  I'm already learning alot from her,  what she eats, drinks and when...etc. At first I was upset because she got her surgery so fast and I've been waiting for this for soo long, but now, I'm happy that she went first. I get to ask her a bzillion questions every single day. I may be getting on her nerves even. Haha. Not sure how much she lost yet because she only wants to weigh in on Sundays. I am so happy for her and for us!

Yesterday, my other sister, Kyla and I had our first cosultations with Dr. Bruderer. When we first got there we weighed in, took our blood pressure & took before pictures. Yikes. I'm not much for pictures at all, but hopefully that'll change. =) My blood pressure was a little high. Last week I got put on Lisinopril for my Blood Pressure. I hate the thought of having to take pills for the rest of my life. I hope this surgery changes that and I no longer need them! =) Anyway, I cannot believe Dr. Bruderer's staff. If only all hospital workers were this nice! Ha. From what I can tell, they are so understanding of their patients and if we had questions they were always happy to answer us. We got to meet Dr. Bruderer last & I must say, honestly, I don't think I've met or could have chosen a better surgeon/doctor. I  was nervous going in, not knowing what he'd be like, but I have to say that he & his staff really put us at ease. We asked if it were possible if we could get our surgeries on the same day & he said that he does not see a problem with that. Yay. But if not, we may be only a few days apart. No surgery datesas of yet but we should hear something as soon as they get our Psych Evals and approval from IHS in.  Hopefully this week or the beginning of next week. The way things are going, they're thinking the beginning of August or the middle part of August. Yay. I'm even more excited!!! We'll also get appointments for our pre-ops at that time & we'll have to go for a day to sit and talk with the nutritionist.

Sooo...almost one month away from the "first day of my new, healthy life!" I've been waiting for this since 2004 & I am ready! =)

I'll keep posting!