Rene S.

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I'd been avoiding OH for such a long time, it's sort of become a habit.  It was too hard to read about so many people going through to surgery so much faster than me.  For a long time, it looked as if surgery was not going to be possible for me.  I finished the 6-month diet, then the clinic had me do a sleep study, then another one, until finally I was diagnosed with OSA.  Everything took twice as long as we'd hoped it would.  Finally, in mid-July, my request for pre-authorization from insurance was submitted.  A week later, I was denied. 

I almost gave in to despair - or rather, I did give in, and with the help of a lot of wonderful people, and some pretty crazy circumstances, I got myself back out again.  An appeal was filed, and along with the help of a really kick-ass consumer advocate through my HMO (!) we were able to convince my insurance company I wasn't going to go away or give up.  They reversed the denial 2 days before I was scheduled to go before the appeal committee. 

That was at the very end of August.  Suddenly, everything moved with lightening speed.  I had a flurry of pre-op appointments, I started my program required 2-week liquid diet on Tuesday, and my surgery is September 16th.  11 days away.  Holy crap!

We've been prepping furiously.  Collecting puree recipes, buying a Magic Bullet, updating the Will and POA, arranging childcare, buying vitamins and picking up prescriptions.  In between, one of us (me or my partner K) is usually having some kind of hysteria attack.  It's hard not to feel overwhelmed, but at least in my case, it's in a good way. 

Part of me won't beleive it's happening until they're waking me up in the recovery room.  It's been such a long journey - I started this process last October, but if feels like a million years ago.  Emotionally, I've been through so much, but I still can't say I beleive I'm emotionally prepared for all the hard work I will have to do post-op.  But there's no dress rehersal for Lap RNY.  You just do it.  So...

Live performance, here I come.

R~

Well, I suppose it would be nice if I updated this blog once in a while.  Honestly, after the initial push to start the surgery process, I got way over committed on boards, blogs, and groups.  Something had to give, and OH was it.  But it's been an eventful couple of months - full of "learning opportunities."  

I've started my 6-month PCP supervised diet, required by BadgerCare.  I see my PCP once a month, and a nutritionist once a month, so that I'm checking in and weighing every 2 weeks.  I rejoined a gym, and have been working out 3 times a week, and I've made a couple of gym buddies as well.  And last week, my partner and I bought a treadmill - it gets delivered on Friday, and we're SO excited!  So far, I've lost 33 lbs, and I've learned a TON about nutrition, calories, sugar, excercise, and compulsive/emotional eating.  It's been a roller coaster ride, but I'm sure now I'll make it to the end, and when I finally get to proceed with scheduling the surgery, I've been assured I will be a model candidate.  

There have been some challenges in the last few months, too.  I've struggled with my job - frankly I'm bored and unchallenged, and now that I've removed the entertainment of compulsive eating, being there is close to unbearable.  Financially, it has been a hardship to make so many food changes, join the gym, and buy excercise equipment, and on top of that, we're trying to plan what we are going to live on this summer while I don't have financial aid, and I'm off work during surgery.   We're really looking forward to those extra tax incentive checks...  And lastly, one of the most difficult challenges - my partner has been diagnosed as diabetic.  This has thrown us both into a tail spin.  Although she was considering surgery for herself as well, she has definitely been the more conservative and undecided one.  Now she's looking at it from a whole different angle, and feeling very overwhelmed.  I'm doing my best to support her, but I worry about her every day.  :(

Other than that, life goes on.  I go to work or school every day, I try to eat healthy, get to the gym, learn to cook better meals, play with my daughter, laugh with my friends (when I can find time to see them) and every once in a while, sneak out with my partner for a date.  All things considered, life is good here in the WLS waiting room...

 

Finally had the intro seminar last night.  Honestly, it was a huge letdown.  I've done SO much research and checking on my own, that nothing they presented in the seminar was new information.  Except of course for the one peice of information that I couldn't seem to get clearly from anyone else before yesterday:  YES, I will have to complete the entire 6 month diet prereq with my PCP before the Bariatric Clinic will even begin to consider me.  

So now it's back to my own doctor...  I am DREADING this.  I can't diet.  I just can't.  I don't know how anyone gets through this part.  After so many failed diets and weight loss attempts, even having someone remove a plate from the table before I'm done tends to send me into fits of hysterics...  But since they leave me no choice, I guess I'm going to have to try, and deal with the consequences if I don't succeed.  I can't even express how much I resent the damned insurance company dictating my life.  Sigh.  

It's been a hard couple of weeks.  Since making the decision to pursue wls, I've had a pretty long bout of depression. :(  To me, it was just such an overwhelming decision, one that involves facing all my demons.  Yuck!  I know that I'll never succeed in following a wls program if I don't deal with all this, but it feels like one of the hardest things I've ever had to do in my life.  I suppose this is normal, but it's hard to find others who've admitted to struggling this much.  All the message boards and chats are about what protein shake to use, how to test the size of your pouch, which Dr. or procedure to pursue.  Emotional discussions are rarer, and maybe I'm just a big baby for needing to talk about it at all... 

Anyway, I went to my first wls support group on Monday - my first step.  The Dr. requires you to attend at least 2 before surgery.  And on the 26th I'll attend the first required patient education seminar - the second step.   I have no idea what comes after that.  It feels like a big black hole in space time - everything beyond the 26th is blank.  I'm frustrated, and nervous, and anxious just to know what the next step will be.  I still don't know if my insurance will require a 6 month supervised diet, or if so, which Dr. I will have to work with, or what a "supervised diet" even entails.  I've tried to make small changes in the way I eat already, but even those feel impossibly hard...  

For now, I'm just feeling tired, and still slightly depressed.  This weekend we try and prepare for Thanksgiving, which I know will be mentally exhausting for me - all that thinking about FOOD!  But I'll just keep hangin' in...  I guess that's it for now.  I'll post again after the 26th.

OK, i'm going to try and start blogging here, to give myself some kind of outlet for all this craziness.  my poor wife is beside herself, i feel like my life is falling apart, i can't stop crying for the life of me, and i got my first B, yes *B* on a test.  life feels out of control.

all this because i finally decided to have WLS.  i'm scared to death.  but i'm SO F****G SICK of being in this tank of a body.  since i made this decision, every bad feeling, every *thing* i can't do, every insane craving for food when i'm upset, mad, or just not hungry, is haunting me.  can i really give this up?  can i possibly live like this one second longer?  

what do i tell my partner who's terrified something will go wrong with this surgery?  sorry, honey, but i'm afraid if i DON'T do it, i'll want to jump off a bridge anyway... no, not true, i have a beautiful life.  that's exactly it, i have a beautiful life, haunted by food.  i just want to feel good.  as good as i should feel with the amazing life i've been given...