Question:
How do you talk to your children about weight loss surgery?

I have a ten y/o who I have not told about my upcoming surgery. She is also overweight and beginning to worry about her looks. How do I explain to her my reason for the surgery (medical) without tramatizing her about her weight. She is a very smart girl and I don't want her to see this as a reflection of herself.    — Teresa G. (posted on May 6, 2001)

May 6, 2001
If you haven't had your pysch consult yet, that would be a good question to ask.
   — danirat

May 6, 2001
Teresa, my daughter had just turned 12 and is also overweight. I told her (and my normal weight 8 year old) that I needed to have stomach surgery to adjust my metabolism. I explained that I had tried everything else to control my weight for health reasons, and this was the only thing which would actually do it. I explained how the weight loss would affect us as a family. My overweight daughter was bothered; I almost cried when she said "but I don't want to be the only fat one!" We have spent years trying to make sure the girls have positive self-images regardless of their size, but it still creeps in. Since surgery, she and I work out together. Lots of benefits there - we get some great bonding time, she is incredibly strong and fit (although still overweight). It has been very good for her to see that even though she is actually heavier than I am, she is sooooo strong - much stronger than women at the gym. - Kate -
   — kateseidel

May 6, 2001
This is a GREAT question...I don't have an answer though, just some comments. Your question really hit home with me as I have a daughter who will be 10 in July. She is also very smart and picks up things quickly. Like me, however, she is overweight and getting very self-conscious about it. She knows I am planning to have the surgery but I haven't explained what is actually done in the procedure as I doubt she would understand it...plus, I think sometimes TOO much information isn't good. I have tried answering her questions as she's asked but I don't know how much information to actually share with her. I don't want her to worry about me. I also don't want her to think that this is something she should be considering too...of course if she were old enough to make her own decision I would support her. Right now though she is at the point where she is getting very insecure about her "fat tummy, fat legs" etc...thanks to all her skinny friends at school! I have been a member of TOPS (Taking Off Pounds Sensibly) for 3 years and have actually gained over the years instead of lost....what else is new! But, my point being, my daughter joined with me 2 months ago because she wants to lose weight. It is helping her make better food choices and focus on exercising more, but she's not really losing. I try to explain to her that she is growing taller and shouldn't worry about the "numbers". Anyway, I'm obviously struggling with this issue too....I think the previous poster had a good suggestion...I will talk to the psychologist when I have my psych eval. Good luck to you and if you come up with any ideas, I'd love to hear them. You can email me at [email protected]. Thanks!
   — Angela W.

May 6, 2001
My twelve year old was 11 when I had surgery and I made it very clear to her that this was about my health and wanting to live a long healthy life - it was not at all about how I looked or would look. She has been a little overweight at time during her childhood but still has always had a great self image. I had told her that I had an eating disorder as a kid (anorexia & bulimia) and she knew that was very unhealthy. She understood that the surgery would help me become healthier & feel better - she supported me 100%.
   — Lisa B.

May 6, 2001
My 12 year old daughter, who also may have my genes could see since she was about 7 or 8 that Mommie, had such a hard time walking, breathing, and just couldn't go take her to the mall anymore or really be a part of her life outside of home because of my weight, and the ailments it has caused. My BMI 61 I'm 5'2" I'm 50 years old. The day I came home and told her honey, Mommie is going to do something that will make her well, please G-d, I'm going to have weight loss surgery. Then I pulled up this website and showed her some of the people who had struggled and what they had said about how their life has changed. She hugged me and said, I love you Mom, does that mean we can go to the mall again? I think if we are honest, considering the age and feel positive about this ourselves, they will get involved and feel more comfortable. I told my daughter what the surgery does, how it works, the diagram and she was amazed and not grossed out at all. I also told her I loved her so much that I wanted to have a life again and be free from some of my ailments and that sometimes, you have to do things for yourself that are a little scarey, but you put your self in G-ds hands and pray. She has been so happy since I have told her this! It has really made a positive effect on her. She even said, Hey Mommie, maybe you can wear my clothes sometimes. Made me know I did the right thing. Best of everything to you. By the way, I said absolutly nothing about my daughters weight. Not an issue for telling her about my surgery. My kid smart to, she did say gosh I wish I could have it and I told her honey you can run and play and do P.E. and swim and have lots of fun and stay healthy! Take Care email me anytime. Karen
   — Karen Renee

May 6, 2001
TERESA, HI I TOLD MY 5 YEAR OLD EVERYTHING AND HAVE KEPT HER INFORMED ABOUT EVERYTHING THAT IS GOING ON. MAYBE YOU CAN TELL YOUR DAUGHTER ABOUT THE SURGERY AND WHY YOU ARE HAVING IT. THEN TELL HER THAT THIS WILL ALSO HELP HER BE A BETTER HEALTHIER ADULT. BECAUSE YOU WILL EAT A LOT DIFFERENT. SO THERE FOR YOU WILL PREPARE FOODS FOR YOUR FAMILY HEALTHIER. AND THAT MAYBE SHE CAN WALK WITH YOU SOMETIMES FOR SOME MOMMY DAUGHTER TIME. IT WILL BE GREAT TO WALK WITH HER SINCE YOU WON'T HAVE OTHER INTERRUPTIONS SHE WILL PROBABLY GROW UP TO BE ABLE TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT ANYTHING. JUST LET HER KNOW THIS IS NOT FOR EVERYONE BUT SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO HAVE MEDICAL HELP TO BE HEALTHY. MY DAUGHTER AT FIVE ASKED ALOT OF QUESTIONS AND KNOWS THAT I HAD A LOT OF TROUBLE EATING JUNK FOOD AND THINGS. KIDS UNDERSTAND A LOT MORE THAN WE GIVE THEM CREDIT FOR. SHE CAME UP TO THE HOSPITAL ALL DAY WITH HER DAD WHEN I HAD MY SURGERY 4-30-01. SHE DID GREAT. TELL YOUR DAUGHTER AND MAKE SURE YOU TELL YOU WILL LOVE HER NO MATTER WHAT SHE IS OR WHAT SHE DOES. A LOT OF LOVE GOES A LONG WAY. I HOPE THIS HELPS. GOOD LUCK JACKIE
   — JACKIE S.

May 6, 2001
Before I had surgery I told my, then, 12 yr old all about the surgery. First, I wanted her to know that I had tried everything, my health was in danger from being so heavy, and that I would not even consider the surgery except as a last resort(as she is also an adolescent, looks are everything to her now...I did not want her to think that this is something that I would "just" do to look good, and an easy way to lose weight, but that I was doing it for health reasons). Secondly, I felt that it was very important to be honest and open with my dauthter about the surgery because I knew that she would worry, and being that she has my wonderful "big" genes, I wanted her to know that if she didn't begin to keep an eye on her weight now, she "could" also become obese, and I do not want her to have to have this surgery when she is older. Third, I needed her support(as I am a single mother, and we have a close relationship)and wanted her to know that I need her help just like she needs my help. This would be a good way for us to work together in becoming healthy and in eating right. My daughter was afraid for me, but once the surgery was over, she felt better. Now we work together to get healthy and eat right. She is totally accepting of the surgery and my new lifestyle. She understands. I hope this helps.
   — twenc

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