Question:
Does anyone have any advise?
About 6 months ago I confessed to my fiance how disgusting I felt in my fat body. I really broke down. I told him really personal things that really embarassed me. I told him I wanted to have the gastric bypass surgery. He didn't want me to have it done. I told him I was going to whether he wanted me to or not. Now, he does not ask any questions about it. He's shut me out. He's started staying out late and not letting me know where he is, when he knows how much I worry. He never acts happy to see me anymore. We've almost broken up twice. I love him so much but I don't feel like I deserve this. Part of me wants to just lose weight so I can be thin, then find a different man. I realize he is insecure. He is overweight a little. I'm afriad that after the surgery he will be more rotten to me then he is now. I guess I'm just afraid to be alone right now, I really need someone by my side through all of this. Does anyone have any ideas? — [Anonymous] (posted on August 24, 2001)
August 24, 2001
Although you really would like his support, you can do this without it! If
you want the surgery and feel you would be a happier person after weight
loss, you must do this for yourself not him. This is a very very personal
decision that only you can make for yourself. I don't know why he is
reacting like this but it should show you that he really
isn't giving you respect and/or considering your feelings. Perhaps he is
very insecure about your going forward and improving his life. Maybe he
feels that he is next in the changes. You can try to reassure him that you
do love him but he cannot control you. Sounds like he is playing games
with you and trying to punish you for making a decision that does not
involve his approval. If you let him make this decision for you, you will
regret it. Tell him you need him and would love his support but you can
decide and do this if you want to. Good luck in your decision.
— Marilyn C.
August 24, 2001
You are lucky that you are going through this before you take lifelong
vows. If your husband-to-be can not take the time or interest to
understand your feelings, your health, and your options, maybe HE isn't
ready for the commitment that a marriage is. I think you need to think
hard about what you want the rest of your life to be like. Do you want to
spend it doing what's best for you or always trying to please him? Also,
some men pick fat women because they want someone to be
"grateful". I've been told I was an "easy mark".
These men get threatened when we become something we are proud of. But,
like I said, it's good to learn these things now. You know, you don't have
to have WLS to find a loving man. Read the message board and you will find
lots of women who have wonderful loving husbands who support them no matter
what they weigh. WLS needs to be for your health, not to find a better
man. And a marriage needs to be about love, commitment, and sharing, not
sugar coating and pleasing. You asked for advice, so there is mine, but
please take it for what it is, just my opinion. I think you deserve to be
treated better by him and yourself. :)
— kcanges
August 24, 2001
Whether you have this surgery or not, don't let ANY man treat you that way.
— Goldilauxx B.
August 24, 2001
You didn't say what he said to you after your broke down and confessed to
him "how disgusting you feel in your fat body". Whatever he said,
you need to remember one thing, he doesn't want you to have this surgery
because he is reacting in fear. Fear makes people do irrational and
insensitive things, especially men. If after countless episodes of you
explaining and trying to get him to understand, he still continues to
behave as he has been, then I think you should examine whether or not he
would be there for you when other things come up. You know him better than
us, and you now yourself as well. If you simply cannot stand the idea of
living with your obesity, and you are afraid of being unhealthy and dying
young, then you should have this surgery. But only for health reasons, not
for vanity or for spite. I hope he comes around.
— Diana M.
August 24, 2001
Hey there-
I got engaged in December. I couldn't believe when this wonderful
intelligent GORGEOUS man was interested in me, who in my opinion was a
300lb freak. But I never really brought it up. Throughout our relationship
things came up, I wouldn't let him see me naked, and he reassured me he
didn't care about my weight and so forth, and this continued. When I
finally brought up WLS, he freaked. He was also brought up in a Christian
Scientist family, so had never even been a doctor, and at first he thought
I was just trying to take the easy way out and had the whole "diet and
excercise" thing going on. Finally I got him to come and talk to my
parents and I. That helped, as we have not known each other for anything as
long as my parents and they have watched me struggle with my weight all my
life. After realising that it had been a lifelong struggle, it kind of put
him a little more at ease. I then made him come to my consultation with me,
so he got to ask questions to the surgeon and patient counselour, which
also helped him address a lot of his concerns, and I was quite suprised to
hear what he did ask... It would seem as if your honey is scared, maybe he
just doens't want to lose you. Try and get him involved, show him this
website, talk with him about your struggle, say that although you know it
doesn't bother him, it does bother you and you don't think you can truly be
yourself and be happy the way you are now. You know sometimes the best way
to do all this is a letter. At least that way he can't interrupt or tune
you out, he reads it all and hears exactly what you have to say. Good luck.
Feel free to email me ([email protected]) or IM me (Dewdropdeb) if
you would like to talk... and keep us posted! Good luck and best wishes!
— Deborah W.
August 24, 2001
Hello. . . well, everyone has offered great advice but really the most
important thing is to always do what is BEST for YOU. Now remember, you
have to be VERY clear on who you are, who you want to be, and what exactly
is in YOUR best interest! I know many many post-ops have had no turmoil in
their relationships after WLS and it's only made the relationship better,
but a vast majority (especially those that have battled this all/most of
their adult life)of post-ops HAVE to admit that losing all this weight
created a change in themselves, in who they saw themselves to be, in what
they now liked and didn't like, in the goals (career or otherwise) they now
had for themselves, in the kind of person they now found themselves
attracted to and of course, in those they found that now had interest in
them! So you see, as "noble" as it may sound to be
"grateful" to the man that "put up with us" while we
were fat and promise to stick around to "reward" him with our new
bodies. . . well, to this I say, "Don't make promises you can't
keep." We DON'T really know how we'll feel about ourselves at the end
of the weight loss, but I think most all of us will agree that we're gonna
feel pretty damn good... maybe get closer to loving OURSELVES more, the
ALL of us, not just the parts we felt "shown through" our
weight!! You know that old saying about not being able to love (and
accept) someone ELSE until you can love (and accept) yourSELF? Well, it's
true. You WILL be a new and different person in MANY respects, you may
want to wait until this new person emerges and find out who she is and what
she is all about and what she needs to compliment herself. . .you may be
pleasantly surprised! =)
ps - I'm 3 mos post-op Lap BPD/DS, down 60 lbs, married almost 10 yrs
(always a little heavy - maybe 40 lbs overweight) but 5 of those 10 years I
have been about 100 lbs or more overweight! We're both loving the new
results but I am very aware that losing another 60 lbs will put us in NEW
territory and that depending on HIS growth over the course of our marriage,
things may get rocky. NOT becuz I want to go out and be with other men,
just becuz it's a big adjustment to their ego, their sense of self and
security, etc. They've been comfortable with our lack of desire to go out,
do anything, be with them in public, etc etc and also feel safe knowing
that they can "trust" us (when we're MO) and trust other GUYS,
that we won't be hit on, etc!! Now, that's gonna change! Basically, I'm
trying to say that it's an adjustment for everyone in the relationship and
its terms can't help but change and be redefined (change is the only
constant, by the way!!), so go with the flow, do what YOU need to do for
yourself, and leave yourself plenty of room to "grow and change"
after WLS!! Good luck and Many Blessings,
— ChristiMNB
August 24, 2001
Hi, you say you really love this guy, but does he really love you?
Regardless of how scared he is, or his fear of you being thin, him treating
you this way, isn't the sign of someone that is in love. Yes men, and not
offend anyone, can act childish or show anger when they are scared, but
treating someone rotten, is wrong, period. You aren't married to him. You
have to do this because you want to. You have to live for yourself. Don't
babysit him. If you have to kiss up or remind him as to why you want him
to accept WLS, then he is not worth it. He knows how to treat people. You
shouldn't have to remind him. Turn him loose!
— [Anonymous]
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