Question:
Has anyone's spouse flippped out before WLS....
I don't know what to do, my husband has never said that I could not have the surgery and I wouldn't say he has been supportive, but now things have changed he's making comments about what I can wear and what I can't, where I can go, etc. I am a big girl, but when I was 200lbs I was had a shape for a full-figured girl. Underneath all of this extra baggage lies a small waist, and just right hips, and well....I'll have to redo the breast--LOL How do I keep up my self-esteem after WLS when he'll be fighting me all the way (he's insecure with me this heavy, what is he going to do with me at 135-140) HELP ME!!!!!! — mischief85 (posted on July 22, 2002)
July 21, 2002
Hi,
Please take this in the spirit it is intended...that is only to help not to
hurt. What you are describing smacks of
control and manipulation, not love and concern. The little
you talked about is a source of great discomfort to me, having lived
through very similar things (WLS was not part of the picture at the
time)and finally realizing what was happening between us. My boyfriend The
man in my life "fed me" constantly and now in retrospect I see
that that was his way of keeping me overweight. Sounds like your husband is
doing the same but using a different tactic. It is not okay for him to do
that. At least, for me I realized it was not okay. I wish you the best and
hope I am wrong about what I have said. It breaks my heart to think of
anyone going through what I went through with my EX...
Warmest Regards,
— Ann B.
July 21, 2002
When I first broached the topic of wls, my husband "forbid me"
(yes, he said the word forbid)to have the surgery. It was entirely out of
fear of the surgery itself. As he gained knowledge about the surgery,
obviously he relaxed about it. He was still nervous, but felt a lot better
about it.
Now that I am at goal and have had a TT, he does sometimes get insecure
about this "new" wife that he has and her looks and new-found
energy, attire and attitude. Through some counseling I reminded him that
when I married him, I told him I was in it through the long haul. And that
means in the ten years (on 8/8) of marriage we have gone through his
alcoholism and recovery and relapses and recovery now for almost 7
years...we have gone through family crisis', we have gone through his
daughter nearly destroying us and our other children and herself, including
her suicide attempts, arrests and placement in a residential facility. We
went through his combat related post-traumatic stress disorder episodes and
the fact that the Navy does bupkus about it, we have been nearly broke and
homeless a few time due to bad money management and his alcoholism,
unemployment, being told I could not have children (surprise!! Honey-LOL),
losing family and friends due to his alcoholism, etc. I stuck by him
through all of that...through thick and thin...and he has stuck by me
through my depression and my obesity related illnesses...he has stuck with
me through fat and thin. It's insecurity and fear that causes a spouse to
react like that. I would urge you to get some counseling, reassure him
that this will make you better. Yes, wls patients have a high rate of
divorce, often because the spouse can not handle the new person, the person
that was hidden under the fat. Hopefully your husband will learn to enjoy
that hidden person.
Best of luck to you
~CAE~
— Mustang
July 22, 2002
Eloquently said, Ann ~ I agree with your advice and words of wisdom
wholeheartedly. Good luck to you all.
— Lisa J.
July 23, 2002
hello
i can't make a judgement on why your husband is acting this way
perhaps it's fear - fear of your dying or fear of you leaving him
my only suggestion is for you to get counseling...you may want to start on
your own before trying to get him to go
you can only change yourself, no one else
hang in there
{{hugs}}
— jkb
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