Question:
Should I encourage my neice to consider WLS?

My neice is morbidly obese. She is 20 yrs. old, is approximately 5'7" and I would guess her weight at 350 to 380 pounds (she takes a size 36 pants and a 4x top). she gets bigger every year. Her parents are not concerned about her size (her mother is obese) and have never given her any direction in regards to diet or a healthy life style. She has been over weight her entire life. She has a good job, has insurance thru the local school board and lives at home. The rest of our family is extremely concerned for her health, both physical and psychological. I also am morbidly obese and will be having WLS in the near future. I would very much like to encourage her to loose weight and possibly concider WLS for herself (after she has seriously atempted at least one good diet). Should I try to give her some sort of guidance or should I just mind my own business and keep my thoughts and opinions to myself?    — Susan M. (posted on August 9, 2001)

August 9, 2001
If she's come to you for guidance (because obviously, there's none at home), then you should sit down and have an honest discussion with her. Find out what her reasons are for wanting surgery. If she isn't currently considering surgery, then leave it be. Once you have your own surgery and she sees your results, she may want to talk.
   — Dee P.

August 9, 2001
I agree totally with Dee. Good luck to you and your niece !! Kevin
   — meilankev

August 9, 2001
I also agree with Dee's post. If she sees your great results she may be interested in surgery. However you said something about wanting to see her get on atleast "one good diet". If she's never tried losing on her own I would doubt she will be accepted for surgery. I know my insurance company put me through hell. You have to prove this problem has been an ongoing problems, that you've had "many, many, many" attempts at weight loss over the years ect ect ect. Anything so the insurance company does'nt have to cough up money to pay for surgery. They are going to want documentation from doctor(s)that diet's have'nt worked. If it's true she has'nt tried, I doubt she will get the surgery without at least a year of trying diets and such. I could be wrong, but I don't think so. In any case she is going to have to "want to change" and perhaps your upcoming surgery will give her that motivation. ;) Good luck to both of you. She is fortunate indeed that you care. ;)
   — Danmark

August 9, 2001
I think it has to be her decision but you can show h er the way! i would show her this site and let her read about all of us and let her make her decision from there
   — Sharon F.

August 10, 2001
Let your experience speak to her.....if you are close, once she sees what happens with your surgery, she may be inspired to investigate it for herself. As a matter of fact, my AUNTIE did the same for me......and here I am with a surgery date!
   — MarilynT

August 10, 2001
Susan I wanted to drop in my few thoughts as well; please bring up the subject with your niece.. but express it in a way that this is something you are looking into and tell her about any health problems that may be corrected with this procedure.. please do not address her personally it was my experience that the more people told me or corrected me the more I ate.. it was almost a matter of control.. but I started looking around and found this site and thought "hey, some of these individuals have the same problems with everyday situations that I have.. I thought "I was the only one." I'm sure she is already experiencing some of the difficulties of being over weight.. so maybe just a little insight will get her motivated... no pressure this is something she has to want on her own... good luck..
   — rinkadinktx

August 10, 2001
Susan, when my brother in law first had the surgery in February, it was suggested to me by my mother that I have the surgery. I frequently expressed how adamant I was about NOT having it even though I secretly had begun my research. What piqued my interest was hearing my bro-in-law talk bout his experience just like anyone would tell family members about any experience. He didn't direct it at me like I should do it. He just talked about it - the pros and cons. I wasn't ready to admit that I wanted the surgery, but listened and gained a lot insight from him. Some people, like me, don't like being told they SHOULD do something...they want to work it out on their own. However, any amount of gentle enlightenment you can provide may spark the idea in your niece's head and allow her to do what she has to do for herself. Like some of the other posters said (and by my own experience), I agree that after your own surgery and your success, your neice may come to you. She may already be checking it out! Share your journey with her and be patient. Good luck to both of you.
   — PaulaM

August 10, 2001
First of all, none of us really knows what another person has done to try to lose weight. I never shared my diet attempts with anyone and I'm glad because they were all miserable failures. So it's entirely possible that your neice does know something about nutrition and has attempted to lose weight and just didn't want anyone to know it. Also, at the weight you mention and with the family history, let's face it, "one good diet" is only going to be "one big dissapointment". As to the real question though. When I started researching WLS there was a girl I know that I immediately wanted to drag in with me. She's very heavy and has obviously struggled with it like I have and we do yoga together so I know she is commited to a healthy body. I had to resist the urge to say "you should do this too". I knew that would be innapropriate and possibly offensive. However, I did share with her my excitement, my research, my concerns and now I'm sharing the reality of my journey with her. She may or may not pursue any interest in the surgery. It's really none of my business. I would not recommend you present any "advice" to your neice, just share your experience and be available for questions. She needs to come to it on her own, and that includes any diet/nutrition education. I'm sure she knows she's fat. Just as we all knew it. But deciding how to handle that is everyone's very personal decision. Please try to be accepting and loving of her no matter what she decides.
   — kcanges

August 10, 2001
My best friend, who is closer to me than my own sister, is MO, possibly super-MO. She was absolutely against my having WLS, but supportive of me personally. She just made it very clear that she wanted nothing to do with it herself. Well in the 13 months since my surgery I've lost over 120 pounds, another friend of ours had his surgery and has lost as much as I have, if not more. Watching us and how our lives have improved, she has decided to pursue surgery herself. I never pushed it, but when she was ready to discuss it I was there for her. I think if I had pushed the idea on her I would have damaged our friendship beyond repair. She needed my support in her inital decision not to have surgery, as much as I needed her support when I was having my surgery. So, like Paula said, be a good example, be patient and she may come to you on her own.
   — Sharyle L.

August 10, 2001
Susan, we can't choose for anyone else what he or she needs to do. This is the kind of experience you must Choose for yourself. Otherwise (it's my belief), the chances for a successful and longlasting result are greatly diminished. With as much discomfort and risk as are involved in a major surgery (such as WLS is), you gotta WANT it - BAD! (As for me, I DO!!!!)
   — Marjorie B.

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