Question:
How to get family to suppoert me.
My family is not so happy about this surgery, I am just looking into it and they already saying, why do you want to mutilate you body that you were givin. there worried about me going under the knife. how do I tell them that it is for myself and make them understand??? any help would help me here. — Bonnie B. (posted on April 26, 2000)
April 26, 2000
I am so sorry to here about your family not supporting you. Just tell them
to pray for you. Because you have made up your mind that this is something
you need to do for yourself. I told a few people about what I was doing
just to keep down the negativity. My mother wasn't too supported. We sat
down and talk about what her fears were. Besides she knew I had already
made up my mind. This was something I had to do for myself. i was eating
myself to death. Now that the surgery is over I have found something else
to do with my time besides eat. You won't regret the surgery. Good Luck to
you.
— Sharon T.
April 26, 2000
I know you must care what your family thinks but you must do what you feel
is right for you. Do they understand the dangers of not having this
surgery. My family wanted to know about the risks and how I really felt
and now they understand they are behind me 100 %. My mother thinks it
won't work for me but I know it will. I have a new grandson and I want to
be around to see him grow up and be able to do things with him that are now
just about impossible. Maybe they could go to the doctor's with you and he
can answer their questions better than anyone, I know it helped my family.
Please just do this for yourself, not for someone else.
— [Anonymous]
April 26, 2000
I decided prior to my surgery, (May 19 tent), that I would only tell a
select number of people. Of course my husband, who is not pro elective
surgery, but when I pointed out the small percent of something bad 'maybe'
happening to me during surgery, as opposed to what 'will' happen to me if I
continue at this weight, he agreed. My brother and sister and one daughter
will know...not my mother, nor my husbands family---until after. I chose
this route because I felt that there would be less pressure this way. My
decision is mine. Afterwards when I tell them , I am sure there will be
those who still talk negatively....but hey, people always talk negatively
at people with weight problems so we should be used to it! Good Luck!
— Carole C.
April 26, 2000
Bonnie, what you said is near and dear to my heart because I have
experienced the same thing with my family. First and foremost, it is YOUR
body and YOUR decision. I understand your need completely for wanting
those closest to you to understand and support your decision, and it is so
frustrating and HURTFUL that they do not. Second, you can only change
yourself, not other people, and no matter how badly you want and need their
support, you may not get it. Carefully seek out a close friend or one of
your WLS buddies for the moral support you need (and very much deserve). I
highly recommend you go to a support group meeting, and you will find so
many others who have been where you are right now. Take your family
members along. They will see firsthand the wonderful changes that occur.
I believe there are 3 main reasons why they react so - 1) genuine concern
for your well being. I even had 2 doctors tell me "you could die on
the table". Well this is true. I have a less than 1% chance of dying
from WLS. But I have a 20-30% chance of dying from heart disease and
diabetes. Also, if I am going to have a heart attack, I would rather do it
on the table in a room full of surgeons and medical equipment than in my
car on the highway. It is perfectly natural for them to be frightened, and
the best you can do is educate them about the surgery. 2) The second
reason is power. Some family members may use your weight to exert an
unhealthy control over you. If your spouse is also obese, he may feel that
this will change the relationship, and that you will not love him the same
way. Try to alay his fears now. 3) The third reason is ignorance. Many
of us have heard well meaning people say things like, "well I heard so
and so had it done, and it didn't work", or "I heard she died
from the surgery" or "he put all of his weight back on". By
researching this procedure to the best of your ability, you will have the
power (knowledge is power) to put these uneducated, unsubstantiated, and
silly comments where they belong - in the trash. I would recommend that
you make copies of some basic WLS info and ask your family members to read.
Having said that, I will tell you of my own experience with this. I made
a great effort to give good, easy-to-understand materials to my parents. I
have no doubt that they read SOME of it, but I also feel they were quite
selective in what they read. When they visited me over Easter, this was
very apparent, and very frustrating that they were making so many
uninformed comments even after they had supposedly read the materials. But
by doing this you put the honus on them to become informed, and if they
choose not to, that is THEIR problem, not your's.
The body mutilation comment was disturbing, and only demonstrates their
lack of understanding of what obesity is. Unfortunately they are not
alone, as much of our society (including the medical profession) feel the
same way. Would they say it was body mutilation if you were having your
appendix taken out or having a heart transplant? I think not. The bottom
line is that this is for your long term health and well being. Ask for
their support, but don't beg. Keep them informed as you wish, but make it
clear you are not seeking their approval. I wish you the very best, and
feel free to e-mail me any time to chat. :)
— Paula G.
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