Question:
My wife is really against WLS
my wife is really against this. she thinks i'm just not exerting enough self-control. she doesn't want to have anything to do with it. Won't talk to me about it, won't go with me to the dr. for the consultation. nothing. I'm almost 400 lbs. I'm only 31 and I feel like I'm about to die. I look at the pictures of people who did this and I start crying. I just want to be normal. — patrick B. (posted on August 18, 2000)
August 18, 2000
Dear Patrick,
When I began to talk to my husband seriously about WLS, He was totally
against it, For alot of reasons. He was afraid of my losing weight, and
then leaving him (No chance of that i love him) And the other was me dieing
from surgery. So one night I told him I was afriad I was going to die
anyway from the weight, and told him that I wanted him to help me research
surgery, and at least respecet me enough to speak to a surgeon with me. He
did alot of researching on his own on the net, and on this site, and he did
go to me the first time to talk to the surgeon, and after that he seemed
more open and willing to discuss this with me, he still not thrilled with
me having this, cuz in the back of his mind he is still afraid something is
gonna happen, but he loves me enough to know that this is really what I
need and want. I hope that you can get through to your wife, I know how
hard it is, to not be able to talk to the person you most love about
something so important. Educate yourself, and in the meantime try to
educate her also. She probably is just afriad of not knowing all the facts,
Good luck, and If I can be of any help let me know..:o)
— Ann A.
August 18, 2000
Hello Patrick--I can only relate my own experience and maybe you can gain
some insight into this. My own boyfriend isn't very supportive. His whole
attitude was "I'll believe it when I see it" or "why don't
you just try harder". He doesn't really have a weight problem, so I
know it is very hard for him to understand. I decided that I was going to
do this for me, and not anyone else!! I continued to plug ahead with the
consultation and the insurance approval, and now I am just waiting to get
some testing done and then a surgery date. Once I got insurance approval
and a date for testing, he looked at me and said "your really gonna do
this aren't you?". I explained that I was and he could either be here
for me or not. I have other support outlets, so his indifference, although
it bothered me at first, doesn't get to me anymore. I would talk about it
and just keep him up to date about all that was going on, but I never got
too deep with him. Even now, with him finally accepting that this is going
to happen, I have closed myself off to him as far as WLS is concerned. We
don't discuss it to much. I thought there could be a few emotions going on
with him to make him be this way. One was fear. Maybe your wife is afraid
of all the risks that are involved. It is easy for people to have a
negative reaction when they are not educated about WLS and its risks and
well as the tremendous benefits. Maybe your wife is nervous that this will
change your relationship in a bad way. The fear of the unknown is a huge
fear!!! Or maybe it is jeleousy. Someone suggesting that my boyfriend
would be afraid that I would leave him in my dust once I lost all the
weight and tried to reclaim myself. Obviously I don't know what kind of
relationship you two have, but if possible, I would sit with her and gently
tell her that you are going to do this, with or without her support. The
choice is up to her. If you are serious about pursuing WLS, now is the
time to start being selfish. You are doing this for YOUR overall health
and well being. YOU are the most important person in this picture. Maybe
directing her to this site and seeing if she is willing to attend an open
support group meeting might be helpful. I hope I didn't sound too
negative. Good luck
— enjo4
August 18, 2000
My family was against it first, But now that they see how happy I will be,
they are OK with it. Yours will be happy too. The way I see it, is You are
either with me or you are not. Good Luck Debbie H
— peaceangel58
August 18, 2000
Three words - GO FOR IT !!!
— Theresa B.
August 18, 2000
Patrick, hang in there. While I am not married, many of us have had to
deal with negative feelings from family and friends. The first thing is to
understand what is driving her feelings. Fear is very powerful and quite
natural. She loves you and can't bear the thought of losing you. No one
can lie and say that surgery has no risks but the risks associated with
doing nothing (dying from a heart attack, high blood pressure, or diabetes;
becoming an invalid because your joints have given out) are SOOOO much
greater. Many people view this as incredibly drastic. More drastic than
what - planning for your funeral way before your time? By taking care of
your weight, you will insure many more happy years together. (And your sex
life will REALLY take off!) The best thing here is to try to educate her.
Print out a bunch of materials from the internet (there is a lot available)
and present it to you. Tell her that you cannot force her to read the
materials, but that now it is up to her to make that decision. What she is
saying about self-control already shows her lack of knowledge about
obesity. We have ALL heard it before - if you could only limit your
portions, if you could only lay off the junk food........if, if, if.....
There are genuine metabolic and genetic reasons (as well as emotional ones)
why people become obese, and no diet in the world is going to take it off
and keep it off. The second thing you have to consider is her underlying
self-image. Is she obese as well? If so, this could also be a major
reason why she objects. If the both of you are obese, she feels
"safe". Society is especially unkind to women as far as our
looks. If both of you are obese, this may make her feel more secure about
her own image nad more secure about your love for her. Now, if you take
steps to change that, she may feel that she will be left behind or will not
be as attractive to you. She may even feel threatened that you will be
more attractive to other women once the weight comes off. Assure that you
love her, and your change in appearance will not change your love for her.
The third thing you need to consider is power. Many of us have experienced
where close family and friends exert control over us due to our obesity.
Because society is so negative about obesity, we often settle for second
best because we think we don't deserve any better or have no chance of
getting anything better. Only you can evaluate your marriage to know
whether or not this is a control issue. We are here to support you.
Taking steps to make yourself healthier and happier are important, and at
31 it's not too late to take control. If you have children or would like
to have children one day, there are even more reasons for you to take care
of yourself. Go to your appointments. Take the steps necessary. Ask for
her support but be sure she understands your resolve to do this - with or
without her approval. My parents reacted the same way, and although on the
day of the surgery they weren't thrilled, they understood that there was no
turning back and they supported me. I am 36 and 3 months post-op and have
lost 65 pounds and have discontinued altogether my CPCP machine and 2
diabetes meds. Life is great, and I am feeling wonderful! Hang in there!
— Paula G.
August 18, 2000
Hi Patrick,
My name is Terri. I am kind of a newbie here. While I have a very
supportive husband, my dad is kinda like your wife. The truth is, if
someone has never had our particular kind of disease, they just think it is
a character flaw...like we could just push away from the table, give up a
few calories...etc..everyone here knows what you are going through...so
don't give up, okay? Your wife, bless her heart, needs educating. I
started doing research on WLS before I told anyone, then I printed out
everything I could find...go check every link out...anything somebody
suggests, it is worth the effort. My only major problem with my sweet
hubby was he was afraid that I might die on the operating table....and the
truth is I could...so, I told him so. But, I also told him when it is my
time to go home, it won't matter if I am being operated on or doing
"sweatin' to the oldies", or watching t.v. or etc...he is
starting to understand. You have got to keep the faith, and cry when you
need to, and laugh when you can relate, and keep working with your sweet
wife...she just needs information and patience. If that doesn't do it, get
her to check with a counselor, because she needs to understand why she
won't support what you are going through...she may have some serious fears
of her own, you know what I mean? Just reassure her that you will be the
same person, only much happier and healthier! God bless~
— Terri G.
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