Disgust, Despair, and Confusion

This is going to be a 3-pill Wellbutrin day, I can tell. Maybe tomorrow, too. I had my first mental breakdown this morning related to the weight loss. It's been coming for a while, but this morning just was the topper. I post this here, because I know that somewhere among all us women going through the same thing, one of you has to feel the same way. I have hit that point in the weight loss that I just feel torn about myself. On the one hand, I feel pretty good about the loss and the possibility of what my future holds. On the other, I look in the mirror everything morning and I HATE HATE HATE what I see. Sagging skin and wrinkles everywhere. I've got lines at the corners of my mouth which weren't there before (hubs says they're defined cheekbones - whatever). I've got the turkey neck thing going on with the little bit of double chin I have left. My upper thighs look like they've been badly wrapped in saran - wrinkles and dimples and pock-marks everywhere. And the stomach - goodnight - what a nightmare that is. I've got soooo much belly. I can wear a size 16 pants, however, every waist band I own hits me right in the middle of the sag of stomach, which makes the top overflow. And I have underflow (??) going on, too. Like a loose sausage someone tied in the middle. I know that it will have to be taken off when the weight loss stabilizes. I can tell by the way it's hanging that it's not just going to be a little "poochy" stomach. It's going to be an apron of hanging skin and I just disgust myself. It's not like I started this journey with the highest of self-esteem and self-worth anyway, The trigger this morning? Standing in my closet in a bra and undies, trying to find something that fits. Everything is either waaay too big or just a size too small right now. I'm not comfortable in my own skin, I'm not comfortable in my clothes, and I'm just feeling hideous and nasty right now. Hubby told me that we are so very blessed and I needed to count my blessings instead of the temporary things holding me back. And you know what? He's right. Which made me feel even worse because I can't see the blessings today. So what am I doing? Sitting in my office (which is private, thank the Lord) and crying like a baby -- like my life is over and I can't stop it. Thanks for listening and letting me have a pity party.

Oh honey I know what you mean...My husband doesn't understand where I am coming from and I know it has only been just over 3 months but I want results now. It is great to lose the weight but no one warned me about all the loose skin and wrinkles that would come from my cheeks going away...I look like my grandma....My boobs are gone and I am looking into surgery asap....lord knows where what was left of my butt went I wi**** would come back. I can wear smaller clothes but they fit funny cause everything is mushy and non existant. god lord...I have to survive the summer like this and work my butt off to get some muscle back. It is added stress I was not prepared for. I try to think about next year....last year I said next year I am going to get the surgery and lose all this weight...so next year I am going to be contoured to perfection or as close to it as possible....I never felt sexy naked so if I can feel sexy in nice clothes and be skinny too God bless america... Love Deborah

Nope -- it's not over, I just hit the lower point this morning. That time of the month for me, which just makes the every day stuff seem horrible. And you are all right and wonderful women to pull me back into reality. LOL -- I always used to say "Fat's a filler". And you know what? It was really true, because I don't have as much filling now. :D Thank you Miss Celie for your kind and real words.

When I get like this (which is often) I put my clothes on and pretend I am beautiful.

I usually do -- I go with the theory that if you act like you believe something often enough, at some point it becomes a reality. Thanks for letting me vent.

In times like this you have to think back to when your mother said, "Eat all your dinner...children in other countries are starving!" Let's look at it this way... I have "batwings" but praise God I have arms I have a floppy belly but Praise God I never starved I have dimples on my thighs but Praise God I'm not an amputee My clothes don't fit right but praise God I have clothes to put on at all My neck and face have new wrinkles but praise God He gave me another day of life to see them! Love, Dawn

Dawn~ Thanks for sharing that. I hope she gets what I got out of it. Kay

Kay, Dawn's post helped to bring me the rest of way back up into reality this morning. I'm so very glad for the support of the wonderful women like you here. Thanks again for listening to my moaning this morning.

Dawn, You are right and I was just being a big baby. My hubs said the same thing about appreciating my blessings, which are very very many. I have a good man, a good marriage, three wonderful girls, and now a future of better health. Not to mention a good job, a great church family and other things too numerous to count. I do thank God daily for what He has allowed me to be caretaker over in my life, but every once in a while, life throws you a moment and this morning was mine. I do apologize for griping and complaining, and appreciate the pull-up. Lisa

Dawn, Thank you sooo much for that. It really put things in perspective. You made me cry but in such a good way. Please post that as it's on thread. Thanks