Pondering the Post-Op Blues

Well, it's late. I've been laying in bed trying to sleep but instead my mind is filled with thoughts of how we are all feeling as new post-ops. By and large, we seem to be going through the same things as we move through the stages. It's not easy. Someone said we need to take time to mourn -- or to understand that we are in mourning -- the loss of that very important and intimate relationship with food we've all known (and loved and hated) throughout our lives. I felt very sorry for myself yesterday as I sat at the dinner table with my family, they with their pepperoni pizza and me with my 1/4 C. FF cottage cheese. Last week, I felt very blue over the fact that I couldn't eat with my family, a ritual we have all cherished through the years as our time to regroup, to share, to debate, to love. What is in store for me next week? I have let the walking regimen go a bit; walked only 1/2 mile yesterday and not at all today. I watch the infomercials on t.v. for all these weight loss products and still wonder, could I have done it on my own without this surgery? Will that nagging thought ever, ever go away? So, it's late and I'm thinking of you all and wishing you well. I feel sad and I want it to go away. This journey is not easy. Thanks for listening. Maureen

I can relate! I am still on liquids. Its tough. I made my daughter some scrambled eggs and bacon this morning, and I would just have loved to been able to sit down with her and eat. I instead got my Carnation Instant breakfast, and hid in my room! Tonight, I made her a BLT, with the left over bacon, and thought, ok, well someday I will be able to eat that again. I guess if we look at it in the right perspective, ... the big picture so to speak, this is just a stage. We will be able to eat again, just in moderation. I am longing for the day when I can eat real food again.. geeeez.. this liquid stuff is enough to kill someone. I get to start pureed foods on Monday, but darn, I cant see much difference between that what I have been on.. full liuids, and purees.. ummmmm YUCKO.... lol.. Tomorrow is a new day, and may we both have a brighter outlook on what this new life will bring to us! *hugs* Lorrie

Maureen, I went to Target last week to get a dress for an upcoming event and when I stood undressed in the dressing room at what was NOT a pretty sight, I felt utterly indifferent. It was shocking how unjudgmental of myself I was. It was the first time I didn't break down in tears or leave the store ashamed and deflated emotionally. And the reason was because even though I'm not "there" yet, I know I will be. I know this is the last time I'll be standing in that dressing room at this weight because I made a PERMANENT change. I've felt that sinking feeling when my boyfriend cooks pizza for dinner and all I get to do is smell it. But I know that in time I'll be able to have pretty much whatever I want, only I'll be satisfed with having a small portion of it. Food is a celebratory part of everyone's lives. That part isn't going to change. What IS changing is our relationship with food which is that we now eat to live, rather than living just to eat. That definitely takes a period of adjustment. And I won't say I'm happy about losing my old friend either! What I DO know is that I hate being fat, it seeps into every aspect of my life and makes things harder for me on all levels. Believe me, when you're a size 10 and you've got a toned, healthy body you will not miss a slice of pizza. You'll think about food differently in time. You'll still be able to enjoy it at parties, with families, at restaurants, but it won't be your focus. Give yourself time with this! Don't be hard on yourself. Best wishes, Eve

Great perspective! Joy -22 lbs / 26 days

Maureen, After reading your post and the others, I see why my doctors insist on post-op counseling. I've been off of my Zoloft for almost three weeks now and I really want to get that med. back on board! A preacher friend of mine told me that we'd have a mourning process to go through, just as if a loved one had passed away. This past Tuesday I was driving for the first time after my surgery and passed a pizza restaurant. The thought hit me: I can never get a whole pizza and eat it (the top) all by myself ever again! The, "WHAT HAVE I DONE ?" feeling rushed over me. A little while later I was telling my husband about it, and I made myself look at that eternal impossibility in a positive way. Yes, I can never make that foolish mistake [of eating a pizza all by myself] again - I have been given a tool to prevent that sort of unhealthy behavior. I feel bad for those whose families are putting them in situations where the "forbidden" foods are there right in front of them. My husband tries to eat his meals while I'm not around and I appreciate him for that. When he is eating and he knows I see or smell his food, he always apologizes for eating in front of me. I told him, "That's O.K. I wouldn't have gotten myself into this shape if I'd done my eating in front of him, rather than hiding my overeating all these years." I guess I'm not the only one whose feelings are keeping them awake . . . . SOMEBODY PASS THE ZOLOFT!

What a great response to your husband, Lynn. That struck a nerve! Thanks. Maureen

I just discovered this site and this is my first posting. I am sitting here at my desk, 9 days post-op, also hoping that I could resume my Zoloft! I stopped my medication just a day or two prior to surgery, so it's only been 1 1/2 weeks since I've had it...but I am really starting to tell! Yesterday, all I could do is walk around my home, crying. My partner, who has been my best friend and strongest advocate throughout all of this, feels helpless because there just isn't anything that makes me feel better. I tried disolving my Zoloft in water to take it; it was nasty. I even tried crushing it to powder and concealing it in my fat-free, sugar-free chocolate pudding - but it was just as bitter. I can handle bad tasting, but this was beyond tolerance. I'm planning on calling my primary care physician's office in the morning to see if he would consider prescribing me a liquid anti-depressant. I need to do more research, but I think the only SSRI that comes in liquid is Prozac. I think I was as prepared for this surgery as I possibly could have been. I knew it would be rough, but these past 9 days have been more than rough. Sure, I'm getting around better & better every day...but when will I actually feel *normal*? I'm trying to be patient, but when I think about it, tears run down my face. Tammy

Welcome Tammy! Hang around! My doc put me back on my anti depressant as soon as I went home from the hospital. Zoloft tabs are smaller than my Lexipro. Actually, they are tiny. You should be able to swallow them now as long as you use lots of water. Call your surgeon and tell him you need them and tell how small they are!!! Of all the times to be off your med, now is the absolute worst!!! Joy (thinking of increasing my Lexipro!)

Hi, Joy. Thanks for replying so quickly. I hadn't even considered this option. Prior to surgery, my surgeon just preached so much about how I'll never be able to take most pills again - ever, in my life - so I've been resistant to evening considering the smallest of pills. Excellent idea though - to call the office and let them know how rough this has been. I guess I only considered the surgeon's office to be a contact for things that are directly related to the actual surgery since the office's philosophy seems to be pretty rigid - tough it up and it will get better. I'll call first thing in the morning. Thanks a alot! Tammy

Joy, I take Lexapro and I checked with the pharmacist. It is perfectly okay to crush them and take them. With my surgery on Wednesday morning, I'll be nothing by mouth until Friday morning. I'm bringing my Lexapro and pill crusher to the hospital with me and Friday morning, with that first taste of whatever liquid they give me, a crushed Lexapro will have an intimate relationship with Mini-Me.