regrets

i am so scared that i did the wrong thing. i come on here everyday and read the posts and everyone seems to be so happy and doing so well. and, i'm so miserable. i got scoped for stenosis two weeks ago and i have to go back again and have it done this thursday. i'm actually hoping that i have stenosis, because at least that's relatively easy to fix. i can't live like this. i just can't stand it. i'm hungry - no, starving all of the time, but even the thought of food makes me want to puke. i'm burpy and gassy and poopy and pukey and an all around irritable ***** i'm afraid my poor husband has about had enough of my whining and crying. i feel like my life is ruined - and what's worse is that i did this all to myself! i don't know what to do - i guess just cross my fingers and hope that getting scoped again will help things. i would give anything to be able to go back and have never had this done. i'd rather be heavy for the rest of my life than to feel like this for even one more day.

Kym: Does the doctor know all of this? I was having some problems too. The last few days I was sick to my stomach every time I tried to eat. They put me back on liquids and dramamine and I feel much better. I felt hungry last night and grits did the trick. Please make sure you tell him and the nurse everything. You also might need an antidepressant. It is not unusual after surger to get depressed.

Kym, I had one of my blackest days of my life following this surgery. I know it doesn't help to tell you that you will feel better, it didn't really help me. I guess what I can tell you is that I'm here for you, as are the rest of this wonderful group called the Marchers. We band together despite the diversity and together we can do anything! Also, honestly, don't be afraid to ask for something to help with the depression, there's no shame in wanting to feel better and needing help to do it. If it was physical pain you'd take something for that so why not treat this the same? You will come out of this and you're gonna be hot and sexy but most importantly you will be healthy. Keep your chin up and your eye on the goal and you'll be there before you know it! Gayle Queen of Yarn Balls 320/297/175

Dear Kym: Hang in there. Once you feel better you won't mind the hunger so much. It's very draining to feel so out of sorts. I hope the doc gets everything straightened out for you. Please take one day at a time, and you will see that this was the best thing you could do for your health and your family. Louise

I went through a period where (even though I KNOW I would have died in 6 months without surgery) I wished I had never even read about WLS. I thought I was going to have to trade in my station wagon on a flying broom stick. You aren't alone in wondering if you did the right thing. 6 weeks later, my incision is STILL not healed up all the way, and is still oozing and red. I chose my doc for her aftercare, and 3 of my appointments now have been cancelled. I go back to work tomorrow so I dont know when I will get to see her about my seeping incision. But do I regret it completely? NO, its not a cosmetic thing or insurance wouldn't cover it. You might ask your doc about antidepressants - they could very well be what you need to help you through this rough patch. -Sherrie

Kim, When you're reading our "happy" posts, try to keep in mind that we're writing when we are feeling pretty good. Does this make sense? When I am feeling low and/or feeling bad physically, I'm in bed and not on my computer. You'll probably get tired of hearing us all say, "It'll get better!" But it will. Try reading some of the posts on the general message boards. I will remember you in my prayers! L Y N N

Kym - I am sitting here trying to think of comforting words for you. You have had a rough ride right from the get-go....from having to get that filter put in right up to this point. I know you know that eventually, this too shall pass. But that doesn't help the here and now. I really want to just give you a big ol' hug, or wave a magic wand to make things better. The things we can offer you here is a place to vent and get it all out. Not everyone is having a textbook experience, and it might help you to share these things more often so you can connect with those who are going through the same thing. I don't know if this will help your perspective (at this point in time I think maybe not, but just in case...) but there is a man who helps run a group on MSN that I'm on. I think he was close to 600 lbs at one time. Anyway, he had the surgery and he had to be scoped and dilated umpteen million times....and that was the least of his complications. He had infections, all sorts of illnesses and he almost died from his skin removal. Right now he is around the 160's and feeling great. He contends to this day that although he had a very rough ride...and reading his story I'd say it was extremely rough, he would go back and do it all over again because it was that much worth it to him. He makes no bones about the dangers he had going through this. He realizes he almost died several times. He makes no bones about that. But he does say it was the single best thing he could ever have done for himself. I don't remember if you are religious or not, but if it's all the same for you, I'll keep you in my prayers that you find relief and start feeling like a normal person again so you can enjoy the experience instead of rue the day you did this. (In fact, I'd like to ask everyone here to keep Kym in their prayers for this. This woman needs some divine intervention to at the very least lift her spirits!) Please Kym - keep coming back and venting. If anything it gives you a place to get it all out. Some will be able to commiserate, while others will empathize. Dina

Dearest Kym, I've been feeling rather low myself lately and have not been very active on this site. When I read your post, however, I felt compelled to reach out to you. I know where you're coming from, I dug the hole for the deep place of hurt you're in. There are things that you need to do for yourself immediately, if you can. First of all, you did not do this to yourself! You did not cause this! You had this surgery to save your life from the medical comorbidities associated with morbid obesity! You took the step because you wanted to live a better life! The complications you are having are at least partly related to the quality of medical care you have -- or have not -- received. Be your own best advocate and DEMAND that these issues are dealt with immediately. I don't know what stenosis is but I'm encouraged to read you say that you're hoping that's what the problem is because it is easy to fix. That means you have hope in your heart! Remind yourself and your husband that this period of difficulty is temporary and ask him to support you as best he can. Think of this surgery as something you needed -- not as an elective surgery because you wanted to look better -- but as a necessary surgery to save your life. You did not do this to yourself. Be kind to yourself, try to find the things that will help you deal with the nausea, get in your doctor's face and demand action, and ask for the support you need at home. You are not alone in this. Please keep us posted on your progress. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. God bless and be well, Maureen

Hi, Kym. For me, the time since surgery has been consistently rough - but for different reasons at different times. Initially, the pain and discomfort made me regret the whole thing. Now, I struggle more with a lack of motivation, tough time getting/keeping anything down, tired of being tired feeling, etc. I'm already on an antidepressant, so I'm hoping that time will soon begin to heal the awful feelings that I have some of the time. Not every hour of the day is bad, just the majority. I understand what you're feeling. I keep telling myself that someday...someday, I'll be glad I did this, but right now, honestly - I'm not. Tammy

I feel the same way. I am tired all of the time and I take zoloft. I am trying to get my insision to heal also and it still has to be bandaged. I could not even think of work as I have a bladder problem and have to take care of it. I have a stent in and have to have it removed and it all has me depressed to. I fell hungry alot and that gets me so upset! I do not like the protien shakes at all. So I am struggeling trying to get stuff with protien that tastes good. Good luck Connie