are you having marital issues?

My marriage is in some deep "sutff" right now and a friend asked if it was common after WLS? I don't know so anyone got any stats or experiences? My hubby isn't overly jealous of any attention I get from other men, if any thing HE ISN'T EVEN bothered by it, and one guy has been particularly attentive and imaginative in his flirting@@. This guy flirting was NOT the beginning of troubles with my DH but when I talked with hubby about it he was like "GREAT HONEY, that has to make you feel good!" uhm...that response did NOT make me feel good isn't he supposed to be just a bit jealous???? I would love to hear from the guys perspective as well! ANYWAY, anyone else having trouble with this? Got any suggestions? Got any ideas? thanks Nic 291/185/150??

My marriage is going through some rough stuff too!!!! I guess it is just an adjustment for everyone. He really didn't want me to have it done and when I did he was there for me until the first week was over and now our marriage is like a battel ground with a ton of land mines. Good luck and just know that whatever happens atleast we will be healthier!!!!!

Lots of people have trouble after wls. Aside from some husbands being insecure and jealous, there is also a phenomenon called swan syndrome. Suddenly the person who has lost weight sees themself as gorgeous and irresistable - and either cheats or thinks that they are too good for their current husband/wife/boyfriend etc. There is the thinking that how could anyone have stayed with the old fat me - they must not be worthy of the new better looking me. If you have a good man - then work on your marriage and be glad that he is a strong and secure enough man to have loved you when you were fat and is not threatened by the positive changes in your looks. Petty jealousy doesn't prove someones love - it only proves that they are petty. Good luck. Louise

Nic, First let me tell you , I will be praying for you and your husband as you work through this. I was intrigued by your question and thought I need to "know" this woman a little more so I read your profile. Your profile shows a woman who is deeply in love with her husband and feels much love from him. As the time goes on you express some concern about his reactions and feelings. Do you think maybe he isnt reacting as you think he should be to your weight loss and therefore it is causing some tension? You comment about how he will love you obese or thin, and maybe he is doing just that in a manner that only he knows how to. My marriage has not had any trials through all this, if anything it has brought us closer, as we discover together this new body and way of enjoying it. I too have a husband who will love me 500 lbs or 125, but does love to see me happier and feeling better. I must admit there have been times when I have commented to him about something someone has said and his response hasnt been what I expected or wanted. When I later think about it, I realize what I wanted or needed at the time was for him to say something more substantial and uplifting, but how does he know that? He is just loving me as he always has and always will, trusting me and knowing I am faithful to our marriage through it all. I think our minds are going through as much as our bodies and just dont know how to react to things. I feel like Louise, if you have a loving husband who is worthy of all your affection, enjoy that and thank God, not everyone is blessed with such joy. If he is not jealous, remind yourself of the woman who has to change every situation and conversation because her husband is so insanely jealous she cant even breathe without the fear of thinking he will loose it. I lived in that fear years ago with an insane 1st husband and it is pure hell. You are in the right direction to notice the issues and being willing to seek some advice and help. Keep looking, loving, learning and working. Best wishes. Janelle

Marital Problems?? Oh yeah,i have them. My husband, after being with him for 15 years, says he doesn't see a differance in the way i look. I wa very hurt by that, I have went from a sie 26 to size 14 in 6 1/2 months. I was so mad and hurt, i left him. And now that i am with somene else, he says he wants me back, and doesn't see why i am upset. I can't do it. I can't stay with some one who can even see i am not the same. One of his friends tried to explain this all to me, and told me it is like the movie Shallow Hal. That maybe my husband never saw me as fat, and that he thougt of me as normal all along. Well if that is the case, my husband had **** poor way of showng it!!! But i must say, it is great all the attention the other men give me, and my boyfrien is the sweetest thing and he prasies me every day!!!

You stole my post!!! I was considering putting this one out myself actually. My DH is active duty Navy. We've had our issues in the past and actually split for two years once. (We've been married for 10.5 yrs). He's never seen me as un-attractive, however was (key word there) very much a cheater in the past. Which in turn led me to believe it was because I wasn't "good enough" for more reasons than simply being fat. Therefore causing my self esteem to spiral downwards and making matters worse eating myself just about to death. Thankfully, the silver lining was my WLS in the end. BUT, he now states that I didn't need the WLS and that he's always loved me just for who I am. OKAY, go figure that one out. At any rate, lately all his friends are being cute and extremely complimentary towards me (one specifically in NOT so okay ways), and my husband is very un-effected by them. That NOT okay guy outright hits on me and makes quite a few extremely inappropriate comments to the point where I have actually parted friendship with he and his wife. Yet my DH is still right over there at their house! However the guys he works with are another story. They constantly ride on him about "your wife is leaving you" and "you don't deserve a chic like that", etc. It's mostly in jest because my husband is such a major BS'er himself, yet he's starting to make snappy comments at me like "why wear those" or "if you don't want to with me, who are you giving it to?". Which of course causes me to spontainiously combust, leading to all the "old school" arguements that we used to have. I've actually had to learn to choose my battles with his comments as to not cause my home to become the same land-mine that it could potentially become. He has major attitude with just about everything I say, especially if it regards me personally (ie: hair, nails, clothes, tanner, etc). He's blowing VERY hot and cold signals my way. Where he used to want me to go out all the time and I didn't want to go, now he refuses to go out with me when I actually do want to go. Yet he'll convince me that it's okay to go with friends and then have "issues" with me the whole next week. Nic, I hope we get some good answers from this post, or I'm not sure what. Take care and GOOD LUCK! Kim 321/178/170

Thanks for the replies. I AM very much in lOVE with my husband! Right now I don't particulary "like" him tho. I have talked with him about how I am feeling to no end and he simply blows me off and says I am just over reacting or I want him to over react. Which might be my way of getting him to react AT ALL to me and the changes I am making. I know it sounds foolish, but the one person who is the most important to me has stopped making comments about the way I look COMPLETELY! When I was heavy he always told me when I looked nice or something was flattering and now NOTHING. Please understand I don't want him falling all over me and i really and truly don't think I am all that, I simply would like him to say WOW you look great occasionally! When I say this to him he says I should just KNOW how he feels about me and the surgery didn't change anything. Is it really that simple? I don't know. Thanks for the replies. I am going to talk with my hubby again this weekend about all this and maybe I can get him to understand what I am feeling. UGH...why is it so hard tho? Am I just being stupid? Nic 291/184/150

Nic, I'm not having marital problems, but boyfriend problems. Maybe I should say I HAD a boyfriend problem. I started dating this guy after I had surgery and knew from the beginning that he was attracted to BBWs. Initially he constantly told me how wonderful my body was and how great I looked. I felt that he was being supportive about wls because he took the time to learn all he could about the surgery and made sure to cook the foods that were best for me to eat. As time went on, the compliments came less and less frequently and I presumed that it was just because the newness had worn off the relationship. I've never been a jealous person and have never thought much about the men I've dated looking at other women who walk by. Now that I think back, the women that Harry was looking at were of the larger variety. Every woman he's ever dated has been a BBW. While we were dating, he started the Atkins diet a couple of times, but didn't/couldn't stick with it. I know he was pretty self concious about his own weight. Anyway, last night he called and said that the relationship wasn't working for him anymore. This really floored me because I thought we talked about everything. I had no clue that he was unhappy. The only thing close to an explanation was, "It's not you, it's me." We've never even had an arguement so I sure didn't see this coming. The only thing I can deduct is that my weight loss was more an issue for him than I thought. I have heard from many people that you shouldn't make any serious decisions for the first year after surgery. Everything in your life is turned upside down. It sounds like you guys have a good relationship and it certainly sounds like you love your husband. Maybe he's just very secure in your love for him and doesn't think he has anything to worry about. Connie

Nicole, I agree with everyone else. It is quite common. In fact, right before my surgery I had to sign a release form and in the release form, it says you may experience marrital diffulties, even divorce. HAHA.... I thought that was funny and now I know it to be soooooooooo true. I, myself, am having marital problems. We still have a friendship and that is okay, however, we are going to get a divorce. That was our decision. If you can work on things, than that is GREAT!!! Try that first. I don't know how you feel about going to a counselor, but it worked for me. you can go as a couple or you can go by yourself. Good luck and take care..... You are very NORMAL, so don't fret my friend!!! Leah

Hi Nic, My relationship totally broke apart in a million pieces after my surgery. And honestly, I blame it on me feeling so darn good about myself. He just couldn't stand the thought that maybe I didn't need him as much as I used to, because I now have myself..... It's been a nightmare, so I can't even imagine what it would be like if it was a marraige breaking apart. I'm so sorry. When I went for my consultation for my surgery, the surgeon told me to be prepared for my relationship to crash and burn. I thought he was crazy, but he said it was very very common. Sad. Anyway, I wish you strength and hope that things work out as they should. Best wishes! Lisa