Flirting & Temptation
My therapist shared that he has several clients who are post-wls, or who are alcoholics or drug addicts that are in recovery, and he has seen that many of them have had their marriage or relationship break up. He believes it is because the spouse was previously capable of meeting the person's needs sufficiently for the relationship to exist, but that they are not always able to meet the person's new needs, or, the person no longer needs what the spouse provided.
For example, I had low self esteem (who of us didn't..) (and yes I still do, just not as low as it used to be). I needed to feel wanted, and my boyfriend was happy to make me feel that way.
My esteem has been growing. And, plenty of guys are attracted to me now. So, the need I have to feel wanted is being met. I no longer need my boyfriend specifically to make me feel wanted.
So we move on to my next need. Which, for example, might be, a need to have a partner who actively participate in physical activities with me. ie, I'd love to have someone to go hiking with, who wanted to try kayaking with me, who maybe was into camping. So now I have a new need that I didn't used to have. And my boyfriend is, so far, just barely meeting it. He will go for walks with me, but he's not doing it because he has a desire to go for walks. He's doing it because he knows it is the minimum I'll accept. So I have to decide if his desire to keep me satisfied IS enough to satisfy me, or if I won't be satisified unless my partner has an INTRINSIC desire to be physically active. Complicating the issue mildly is his belief that I'm becoming some kind of healthy-living-religion convert or something, and my growing belief that failure to be committed to fitness equates a lack of self-love.
From his side, he needs his partner to be home. He hopes that I learn to settle down and not be running around all the time. Between going to my weekly wls support group, going to Al-Anon once or twice a month, having the occasional dinner with friends, going for the occasional round of golf, going to happy hour after work two or three times a month, seeing my family two or three times a month, working late at least once a week, going for my walks in the evening - he thinks I'm not home enough. Before surgery, when we first got together, I was so heavy... I would come home more often, and I would stay home, because when I got home I'd eat all night, or we would go out to dinner for a few hours and I would eat so much I'd be sleepy afterward. He has always thought I would benefit from a more stable, even-keel kind of lifestyle. He's got a point - I am a bit more manic than I think is healthy. Now that I weigh less and I'm not self-medicating with food, my urges have returned - the truer "me" is back, driven towards instability and running around like a chicken with my head cut off. I'm used to it and it's what I'm comfortable with from growing up in an unstable household where it was way better to be out doing anything than be home, trapped in the tension between my family members.
We're all a bundle of needs, some we're conscious of and some we aren't. I think if you want your marriage to continue, you might benefit by trying to document your needs, and his needs, and see how you two measure up today, and see what you're each willing to work on.
In the end, you can't change him, and he can't change you. But, you can each change your SELF, if you want to. If you do the work to determine both parties' needs and if you each have, or develop, the capacity to meet them, then your marriage will make it. Your marriage will make it, AND it will be a HAPPY marriage if it turns out that the group needs are congruent and healthy.
Meeting dysfunctional needs will help the marriage survive but it will not be happy or healthy. Dysfunctional needs are those that exist to prop up deficiencies of self. They are not healthy because no one outside your self can make you whole, even when someone tries their best. For example: I need constant reassurance that you won't leave me. Well, that stems from me being abandoned as a child, and no partner, no matter how much he tries, no matter how neurotic he becomes in response to me, will satisfy that need. If he tries, it will prolong the relationship, but the relationship itself will be full of misery. Which is why I'm in therapy - I know I have to do handle this one on my own.
Hmm long post, sorry.
Jen
Well, as usual, you all have made me laugh and think at the same time. I knew there had to be more out there who experienced something similar, and I knew Connie would come up with some great observation of the whole thing.
Scares me that so many who were committed to their relationships fall in this aspect though. I do have a strong will to do the right thing, and I'm certain I will. But it's the going through it that sucks the fun right out of life. I love the feeling, but hate it at the same time since it's not the "who" that I want it to be connected to (my husband).
Thanks to you all for sharing and shoring up. I know it's not going to be easy, but it helps to know I'm not having to navigate it all alone....
Dina
I've been married 35 years, and the last year has been the toughest, but we are going to make it.
Here's my advice for "affair-proofing" your marriage. Never let a friendship with the opposite sex take a turn where you are sharing complaints about your spouse. The last thing you need is a sympathetic ear there. That's what girlfriends are for!
When you feel an attraction, avoid "alone time" with the person, and keep the conversation light and impersonal.
Spend some time with your DH doing something that you enjoy together. This will help you remember why you married him in the first place! Look around at the majority of guys out there that you are thankful that you are NOT married to!
Love is a decision. You made that decision once, and remake it every day. That's the way you stay married--one day at a time.
Prayer really works too!
Joy
joy said
" Look around at the majority of guys out there that you are thankful that you are NOT married to!"
THAT is priceless!
LOL
My girlfriend Lisa always tells me...Honey the grass isn't any greener over there its still just GRASS!
those little types of things make me smile and I dod remember them!
I even said to a "friend" who was telling me how wonderful I am and how great we would be together@@
"well yes that is all true but its still just GRASS"
LOL!
he know thinks I am great and VERY CRAZY LOL
oh welll, he could be right! LOL
Nic
291/161/150
And indeed, love is a decision to make every day. Wise words - thank you for sharing them!!!
Dina 
Ok, looks like I'm the only guy to respond to date, but I need to respond here. I agree with what Happy Girl has to say. A lot of it comes from confidence. My wife is wonderful, beautiful and my best friend. But, the reality of life is that she works outside the home, cares for our children, and helps her mother. I think at times it must be hard for her to feel "sexy". Now me, I'm like a friggin teenager, this may be a TMI, but sometimes I get "going" from a change in the wind direction and my wife cannot be expected to "take care" of my desire. I don't go elsewhere out of obligation and the desire to keep my marriage going. But, I have found that I have to be careful and here is an example.
My wife is a very normal person. The other day I saw an attractive woman in her 30's who is very different from my wife. She gave me a bit of the eye, and I don't know what came over me, but I gave her a wink and a little puckering of the lips in a feign kiss. Well, I was in trouble because she came over to me to talk. I realized what I had done, and joked it up and excused myself. I don't know if anything would have become of it, but I think had I not distanced myself from the situation something may have happened. Believe me, that is not something I would have done 16 months ago.
Another thing I have found is there is a subset of women who like cops. So, I again find that I have to be careful, especially when in uniform. I'm no Brad Pitt, but I have a good sense of humor and I have kinda been a getting hit on lately. Again, I think it comes from having confidence and showing all, and some memebes of the opposite sex find that appealing.
To clear things up, I have a wonderful family and I not going to allow 8 hours of passion, er 2 hours, er 30 minutes ruin what I have. And I now know I need to be careful, but I can enjoy the attention without being a cheater.
Ken -
Thank you for the perspective. I do very much appreciate it. I find it interesting that we are both talking law enforcement stuff. I sometimes wonder if the fact that most of the folks involved in LE tend to be outgoing "out there" personalities who like attention can lend itself to this kind of thing happening. I think that's why I never wanted to date a cop in the past. *I* need the attention! 
Now, here is another question from you as average married Joe: What if your wife took up flirting with someone? How would you feel about that?
Dina
Now, here is another question from you as average married Joe: What if your wife took up flirting with someone? How would you feel about that?
Dina People outside of LE don't understand the sense of humor of those that "Protect and Serve" nor most understand what it takes place that target( badge) on your chest. When you are faced with death, drugs and some of the lower people of world, you tend to get a bit goofy. I would agree that most folks in LE tend to have a bit of a "tude" and may even be a bit ****y. I really think a lot of the attention is coming because you have increased your confidence and you are just projecting the real you.
How would I feel if my wife were flirting? Well, sometimes I wish she were a bit more flirtly. I have told her once that I don't care how she warms up the engine, just as long as it is always parked in my garage. But, that is not is her nature and I still love her to death.
I hope this helps.
You know you hit on something there. I was just talking about this with someone else recently as well. You spend so much time with these people working overtime and all. You develop friendships with them, then you find them getting into hairy situations and calling for help. You worry about them like they are family. And when someone gets hurt, you have a strong emotional reaction. These aren't just co-workers....they are more. So I think that does lend itself to a certain brand of familiarity maybe others don't have. There are no absolutes certainly, but I do see this as a tendency. Unfortunately, I have also seen a lot of infidelity happen within LE and I think that's why. And I think that is why I got too concerned over this because I knew the stakes with others. Of course, my value system is a little different I think.....hope.
HOWEVER, what you have said about your wife kind of gave me a jolt. It's funny because it made a certain sort of sense to me. I am not sure if I will use the "technique" but I have to say it does make sense to me. All this certainly does have me turning my attention on my husband more for all assorted reasons, so maybe the shake up is good.
Dina
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