Spazz checking in

That's what I feel like lately. I lurk a lot and try to respond when I feel the energy or time allows, but I just suck!!! Things going on with me: Well, once again I'm getting over a nasty flu virus. My husband was hospitalized last week for a few days with pneumonia and we all got sick. I starting popping back Airborne right away and it saved my ass because although I got the same virus and had the same symptoms as he did, they were milder and much shorter lived. This has been one hell of a nasty season for getting sick for us though. I know it's because it's Mason's first year of school, so I am hoping next year we all fare much better. Yeesh! Work is going fine....still working lots of overtime but I've come to accept it as my lot in life and have "embraced" it as best I can. I pick and choose when I want to work it and it helps because I can control better who I work with and that makes a difference on how I feel about my job. I am trying to quit the local wls support group I am managing right now. I'm very tired and the last 2 times no one has shown up. I don't have time anymore. For over a year I took time off work to be there, and now that I changed the night so I didn't have to do that, I find I get ordered to work overtime then, so it's not worth it. The fact that no one will step up to help angers me. I have tried to inspire but I don't have it in me anymore. I'm a good concept person but not great with routine, so being unable to find someone to help with that has made me want to chuck it. I don't even want to go back for support. I get more out of being here with you guys than I ever did there anyway. I met some wonderful people there, but no lasting friendships like here. I think I'm going to hit the next meeting and turn it in. That will mean the end of the group I am sure, but I'm not going to worry about it. If someone wants to go on from there, great, but I'm not going to beg anyone. I need some time off/away. My weight remains stable around 189-193 depending on the day. Still waiting to get to 185 so I can get my driver's license photo done. That's what the license says, so I want to be officially that weight before I go back in to get the picture done. I want to have an honest representation of my stated weight for ONCE. I have been extremely lazy and distracted about pursuing plastics. I had one consultation and never did get an appeal in. The time for appeal has lapsed I think so I'll have to start over again. I feel like I lack the energy, but it's because I have too many things going on. Too many appointments, too many responsibilities and too many things on my mind. I'm trying to get rid of those things so I can have more simplicity. Anyway, that is the update with me. I am sorry I don't respond more. I want to but I just, like I said, don't feel I have the energy, and I just have too much stuff going on and want simplicity. This is a wonderful outlet for me, but even the good stuff doesn't feel so good when you have the bad stuff in the way of it. So question for everyone: Do you have anything planned for your 2 year anniversary? I haven't really thought about it until now, so I'm curious if any of you have? Dina 3/10/04 325/192/160-ish or whatever I can get to!

no special plans--but here's a super duper big hug cuz i can sooooooooooo relate to where you are!! feeling very spazzy myself lately!!!!! and not a lot to contribute that's positive on my part.... hang in with us!!!!!!!

Hang in there, Dina. I share your short term passion personality. It makes us ideal to start up projects and great to do crisis work, but we have to have steady freddy people to complement our drive or it fizzles out when the adrenalin stops pumping. You are right in pulling your involvement in the support group if no one has surfaced to take the on-going leadership. Without that, you are depleting your own strength without opportunity to refill your own cup. In addition, you are sounding a bit depressed. Are you, or have you tried antidepressants? For me, they soften the the anger and frustration that accompanies disappointment in people. Maybe they just help me lower my expectations of myself and others--but it makes me able to function better! Don't be a stranger here, and don't expect yourself to be superwoman! In spite of the weight loss, that little costume just doesn't work for us! Joy

Joy - You hit the nail on the head about having "Steady Freddy" people around us. I am exactly that way and it took me a very long time to figure out that I didn't have to be everything to everyone. Once I quit expecting a long term commitment out of myself for things I was initially passionate about, I was able to relax more and enjoy the talents I do have. I still haven't gotten really good at finding those Steady Freddy's but at least I know I need them. As for depression, I don't necessarily feel that way, but it's funny because my counselor says the same thing. I guess I look at depression completely different than some do. I went through some serious depression in my youth, and everything else in comparison is a cake walk. I feel happy much of the time, but sometimes these things wear me down. I feel like if I can shed myself of some of these chains I will be much happier. But if I am true to form, I will do that and get bored and take on new stuff to spread myself thin on. I never learn! Actually, I already have a new project planned that I'm going to start on. I think I've gotten the union to buy off on a saveosp.org website that I want to start up. Our state legislature is being stupid and wanting to eliminate the state police thinking we're not needed. The problem is that we keep doing more with less and sucking it up without saying anything. I'm tired of keeping my mouth shut, so we are going to get the word out to the public how woefully underprotected they are. Hopefully it will get attention. Most people out there don't realize that when they call us at 3am to report a drunk driver all over the road that I have no one on duty to set up for it. Goes for so many other types of priority calls. That's because we've been raped of our budget and don't have enough patrols for 24 hour coverage. Anyway, that's my new "high horse" that will take up my time in the near future. I'm going to develop the website and start garnering media attention. I also have another campaign we likely will start but I'll wait until we get the final word on that before I say anything. But with that, like I say, I am a great concept person but lousy at long term. So hopefully I can develop the website and find someone to maintain it once I'm done. If not, hopefully it won't take very long to get everyone's attention so that we can get some dedicated funding. ;) As for anti-depressants, they don't do crap for me. They always work the opposite for me because of the ADHD that I have. Never knew I had the ADHD until a few years ago, but had I known, that would have explained why every time they put me on something like Prozac or similar I would get much worse. Now I know why. But I shunned them years and years ago. I knew they didn't work for me, but now that I know why I certainly won't let them use them on me now. At least not the ones that monkey with the seritonin. I'm generally upbeat with a few down days here and there that are situational. I see them as transient though and just look to the next day to get out of the funk. If it ever drug out for any length of time, I'd seek out help... Dina

Sounds like you have a handle on things and know your response to SSRIs! I just know that for me, that "anger/frustration/lack of desire" is a symptom of depression that precedes "falling into a well"! Sounds like you have been there--don't need to do that again! Good luck with you new web site. I'm sure that you will do a great job on it, and it is a great cause. I'm curious--how will you raise awareness to get people to the site? Joy

Well, I have all the phone numbers to all the newsrooms in my community and for the whole state for that matter. ;) That and I write one mean letter to the editor. The other campaign I didn't want to reveal right away is another method of awareness. I guess there is no harm in revealing it because it's just a take off of other things out there. I want to take the idea of the "Support Our Troops" ribbons and make some up that say "Support Our Troopers" and make sure they get on as many cars out there as we can get them on. That's just for a start though. Like I said - big ideas...just need those steady freddies! Dina

I like it! You have great ideas! Keep seeking out implementers, and realize that if you are able to implement even a small per centage of your ideas, you will accomplish a great deal! Be sure to cross-link your awareness campaigns... (put the web site url on the bumper stickers, use a single graphic for all messages, etc.) As you know, the more repetition of the message, the better it will penetrate conscious thought. Joy

Thanks Joy! I do want to make sure I get the web address on the ribbon, but I have to see what can fit. I think the ribbon is a great attention getting symbol - especially if it is a new color (blue for us maybe with gold border), but I'm thinking it will have to be a modified shape to include that as a graphic so we can get the web address on there. I'll figure it out somehow. Just need to find a place to make the magnets (I have a few I've searched on but not contacted yet) and will approach that dilemma later. You are dead on about the repetition. Thanks for the advice - I'll definitely be keeping that close to my plans.... Dina

Hang in there, and you do need to find time for you. I know as somebody who at times is too involved that you need to step back and let somebody else take things over. I have dropped off a board I was on, stepped down as President of another, and limited some things because I need to make me and my family the priority right now. Like most people in LE, you do it because you get gratification from helping others, but we often do it at our own expense. Get healthy, and if PS is something you want, go for it.

Well, you hit the nail on the head with that one. I do a lot of stuff for others at my own expense. Must be that needing to be needed thing. As for PS, after watching all you guys go through it here and fare well, I'm quite inclined. I think the only thing standing in my way is insurance and or money. If I can get the energy up to battle that, I will be following right on your heels!!!! Dina