Connie's on drugs

Just a fair warning. I'm on a pain killer for my back so lucky you guys get to put up with my rambling. Had another epidural for my back yesterday and they always leave me in more pain that I started with. I was doing OK without the pain killers until the dogs got in a fight, I jumped in the middle and ended up picking up a 60 pound retriever. That was 50 pounds too much and my back started cussing at me. Better living through chemistry. I AM THE ALPHA DOG. So get this... I have an extra vertabrae. Wouldn't you think I'd be taller? What's up with that? I took, I think it was Joy's advice and ate some sugar free candy to help with my chronic constipation. Let me tell you that it was a soul cleansing experience. I heartily recommend this. I **** you not, I lost three pounds at one sitting. OK, OK TMI. lol Unfortunately, the sugar free candy gives me gas that smells like I've been eating monkeys with the tails left on and I cleared an aisle in the store tonight. You know, I just don't care anymore. I think Aisle Clearing should be an Olympic sport. In fact, I'm getting pretty proud of my tuba fart ability. I'm really going to practice and see if I can play a little dittty the next time I get a good build up of wind. Any requests? Fair warning, I'm making corned beef and cabbage for St. Patrick's day. Steer clear of Arizona. Marilyn, I hope the wind isn't blowing North on the 17th. If it is, you'll know I'm the source of the stench. I'm going through another bout of insatiable hunger. I'm trying really, really hard to stick with protein and stay away from the carbs. The dogs are really lucky that I sent them to time out instead of eating them after their fight. So here's why you should all be thanking your lucky stars that I'm not your child.... I went over to my mom's house tonight and asked her if she would babysit me for a week after my plastic surgery. She just needs to be here until my son and his girlfriend get here after work to take second shift. I've decided that I need babysitters to keep me from adding a basement or a second floor while I'm off work. Two weeks is plenty of time for me to double the floor space of my house. My mother loves me and is glad to do this for me. She looks at me and asks what babysitting me will entail. Keep in mind that my mother is deaf. I tell her that I won't be able to talk to her since I won't be able to move my arms at all. This isn't true, but she doesn't know that. She asks if she will have to feed me. I look her in the eye and say, "Of course. You don't want me to starve to death. You'll have to give me something to drink and take care of all my bodily functions." She looks at me in stark horror and says, "Oh my God! I'm not going to have to clean your ass, am I?" I wonder where I get my bluntness from. "Well, sure Mom. No one has more experience wiping my ass than you do. Thanks for doing this. I know I can always count on you." I go on to explain that it's very important to do a good job since I have terrible diarrhea and go at least 6 or 7 times a day since wls. This is a lie and I'm lucky if I can go once every 6 or 7 days without the help of colace, suppositories and dynamite. She was having such an internal struggle. She really wanted to tell me no way, no how, but she just took a deep breath and said OK. I felt sorry for her and told her I was kidding. She doesn't find me nearly as amusing as you guys do and called me names. I think she's going to pinch me when I'm defenseless. OK, I'm done rambling. Thanks for hanging in there. Love you guys, Connie

i wish that my hubby was on your drugs- he is in a rotten state of mind- his painkillers are doing nothing for him.... connie- i'll babysit you- i would love to just have the company of someone who is in a chipper mood right now- he fell at work monday- 3 feet off a truck--and spent two nites in the hospital--dislocated shoulder and right femur= fractured right humerus---and today there is a bruise about 8 inches long on his right thigh.....he is miserable and so am i!!!!! in the hosiptal he was on dilatid (sp) injection ev two hours- here is he is now on darvocet- neither the darvocet/the percoset or the vicodin are doing anything- and NO he is not taking all three at once! today i had to do the asswiping thing for him too. anyhow- wow- sorry about your back- aisle clearing--sign me up--i am almost a master at that one!!!!!!!

Once again I forgot to put on a pair of depends adult diapers before reading connies posting. Thanks alot connie cause I'm not even on my own computer or sitting (opps) on my own computer chair! should I tell my friend about the wet spot here? should I get up and go find their blow dryer? shoudl I let them think their dog or cat did it? yeah blame the animals they love them. I'm jsut a friend they might take away my computer privlages. i can't wait to hear your storys about the upcoming surgery. good luck and god bless. pammy

Connie, I just got finished wiping the tears off my face from laughing so hard ... called my daughter to the computer and said, "You have to read this." Listened to Jillian laugh...starting with a few chuckles as if to say, "Is this lady for real?" -- she is, after all, 17. The chuckles turned into laughing until by the time she read what you wrote about your mother, Jillian was holding-her-belly-laughing-out-loud cracking up. I have to go now because I have to wipe the tears off her face from laughing so hard...beats wiping her ass...Love you HUGE! Maureenie

Me Too! I am still laughing my heart out. You are too too funny. & no the wind is blowing, but apparantly not in our direction from you, cause there hasn't been any stink lately. We did however get rain today. Those of you that have a winter Arizona actaully got rain today after 144 days without any. Most of the areas actually got snow as well. So we are grateful for any moisture that we can get out of this storm. It may be our last all winter. Connie I hope you feel better soon & please don't eat the dogs, They are your friends not your enemy. Keep posting it does keep us smiling in our little insane worlds. Marilyn, the Bearlady

Thanks, Connie......I really needed that!!! I just came home from a 12 hour emergency marathon at work. I had a wonderful belly laugh (pouchl laugh??!!) from reading your post. Next time, the dogs get too feisty, whack them with a broom and save your back! In my experience, 60 pound retrievers can take a wallop with a broom without damage and it will save you lots of pain. Hope you feel better soon and thanks again for the laughs......Great Post!! Mike

Your always good for a mood swing for me. I seem to have picked up a cold, something I haven't really had in two years. I think due to my being a bit run down from the surgery, the germs finally got me. In anycase, he I sit feeling sorry for myself and I get a good laugh to help brighten my day. Your smart to have somebody to babysit you, it will be to your advantage in the end.

Well, I read this the other night and had to laugh my ass off. I LOVE Connie on drugs. It's just too bad that you have to be all whacked out in order to enjoy it! You, my dear, are absolutely priceless. Now maybe you should be taking some heavy drugs that knock you completely out when you are recuperating from your surgeries. Either that or maybe you should hole up in a motel room until you're healed so you don't feel the urge to put that new addition on your house. But then, of course, if you are so inclined, I could use a new house...you could just come out here and start building for me!!! Dina

with all my yakking i forgot to tell you that i have an extra vertabrea too---but mine is fused to my sacrym (???)