TABOO SUBJECT

I know people don't want to talk about this. And my instinct is to do what so many others are doing that are having difficult with the food -- lurk and otherwise become inactive on the board -- because we're ashamed, embarrassed, sad, we feel we can't be of help to anyone because we're in trouble ourselves. But I'm going to fight that inclination and put this out there -- I'm in serious doo-doo. If you knew what I've eaten today your head would spin. I've had a bona-fide binge day of eating. And it's been going on for about a week now. I went through quite a long period of not being hungry, not wanting to eat in harmful ways, making good choices, feeling good about myself phsyically and pyschologically -- I felt like I had it all wrapped up, that I was beating this food thing, that I would be ok...not ok. I've been feeling very anxious this week and that anxiety, like always, is causing me to eat, eat to soothe what can't be soothed. We all have problems. It's something I said in my article that was recently published, I said, that we couldn't solve life problems because when one problem is solved, another surfaces. That's life. The problems will never go away so I've either got to find a different way to cope (other than binge eating) or just reconcile myself to the fact that I am going to gain it all back -- have already made quite a dent this week. I'm not whining, honestly. Or feeling sorry for myself. I'm asking for a lifeline here -- or maybe just throwing this out so we can all talk about it. And I need to get some advice from mothers and fathers of teenage girls -- please help me with this (Mike, sure would appreciate your thoughts -- Ken, I don't know how old your girls are but help me out here if you can) -- my daughter will be 18 in two weeks. She is in her first very serious relationship and recently told me that she needs to go to the gynocologist because she is moving toward a sexual relationship with this kid. What the hell do I do with this? I want her to be safe, first and foremost and I sure ain't gonna raise no grandbabies...but I don't want her to be having sex with this kid! They've been going out for two months!! I'm insane with worry -- plus the worry of how the hell are we going to afford to send her to college -- we're looking at probably around $30,000 a year -- a YEAR! How are people doing it??? So, there you have it, folks. Thanks for listening. Love to you, Maureen

Well, my friend..... I'm going to start with the teenage daughter question: You're not going to like hearing this, but I strongly advise that you thank God that she's communicating with you and take her to the damn gynocologist. I'm sure that many out there will disagree, and as a father who is as protective as hell of his girls, I almost choke on these words.....but exactly how to you plan to stop a child from becoming sexually active??!! I suppose that locking her in the house might work for a while, but it's not a long term solution. What my wife and I did was to educate them as well as we could and make damn sure that they know everything there is to know about contraceptives and disease prevention. Not taking her to the gynocologist is exposing her to much more danger than taking her no matter how contrary to your motherly instincts it is!! I don't believe that my younger daughter is sexually active yet, but the older one certainly is and has been since she was about your daughter's age. I would rather clamp down on my overly-protective fatherly instincts than suffer the consequences of leaving them to fend for themselves. My advice is to keep the lines of communication open and hope that you've taught her to use some common sense. As for the binge eating.....I will re-iterate what I've been saying all along....there is no magic bullet or permanet cure.....we have a drug addiction and we must learn to take daily moderate doses of our drug of choice. I haven't been winning the fight every day either, Maureen. Some days are good.....Some days are bad. The bottom line is that although I've put on a few pounds from my low point, I'm still fighting the fight and not letting myself give in. I don't think that I'll ever totally kick this thing, but I'm damn sure not going to fit in to those size 56 jeans again....and yes, I still have them... and yes, I still take them out and look at them regularly as a grim reminder of where I came from!! On the subject of college....there's no easy answer there either. You just have to jump through all of the "finacial aid hoops" and come up with a plan that you can live with. We've been fortunate in that we started putting away money for college years ago and we've had some help from out families. With that being said, Nancy starts college this fall and we'll be paying for 2 since Liz has her senior year and possibly some post-grad coming up. What the hell, at least I'm not spending lot's of money on badly-made, over-priced fat man clothes!!! LOL Hang in there, my friend, I'm with you through thick and thin (no pun intended), You've got my phone # if you need to talk. Mike

Thanks, as always, Mike. I should have said that I made that appointment right away, right after Jillian talked with me. Believe me, I am very grateful that she felt comfortable enough to come to me with this and I like to think Jim and I have raised our kids with the idea to be responsible in all their actions and to take responsibility for their life choices. This is just plain tough on me. You are always there for me, I know that, and I am very thankful for that. Thanks, my friend. Maureen

For me, this is without a doubt, the hardest part of being a parent....deciding how much do we loosen up on the leash and allow them to make the mistakes that help them to learn.....while at the same time, praying that they don't make the big, life altering mistake. I very rarely make a big parental decision without a lot of self-doubt and second guessing. This thread reminds me of a wonderful roadside billboard which was paid for by one of the churches in my area a number of years ago. It showed a photo of a beautiful, newborn with the simple caption: "Unfortunately, they don't come with an instruction manual". How true it is!! Mike

The sex question - glad Mike jumped in there because my son is only 4 1/2 and I'm woefully underqualified to give my opinion there. The food thing: Hell, I have no shame....I go through this crap all the time. I eat the wrong things way too often, then I go through my "good" phases and don't feel those driving desires so much. What I found for me is that it is hormonal. I am a ravenous junk food junkie for a whole week of every cycle...if not slightly more than a week. That's usually when I will shoot up about 5 lbs and then take it off later. But I have to watch myself later and make sure that I'm putting the effort in. It took me awhile to figure it out, but the pattern is the same. When I see myself gravitating toward sugar and pastries and crap I shouldn't eat, and I see my stomach able to accomodate larger portions than normal, then I spend a day or two doing this and feeling guilty and it hits me - hey, I'm going to get my period! I never noticed this before surgery though. I never had this problem then. Probably because I ate whatever whenever for the most part and never questioned it. That and my cycles were anything but normal, and my hormones were all over the place. So I would have a day where I binged and the next I didn't. Or a week on and off but I never could nail it to anything. Now that I have regular cycles it is like clockwork and had someone told me this would happen, I would have told them it was all in their head. I didn't believe in stuff like this before, but I swear by it now. So my question to you is this: Have you been able to nail down any patterns at all with this type of eating behavior? Keep a diary and find out. Now, if you have had your plumbing removed, humor me. As with women who have PCOS (like me), just because you have the parts removed doesn't mean you have the syndrome removed. Because the core of the problem lies in insulin resistance, not our reproductive systems. Now, right this moment I'm speaking of the PCOS, but I realize that it could be different for those who don't have it. But you see what I'm saying? It could be that your hormones are going through normal fluctuations and you don't realize it. One of the things that happened when I realized what was going on was that I eased up on myself. I finally realized what was going on and I just "went with it." I knew that this would last a week and if I could get through without doing too much damage, I'd be miles ahead. So when those intense craving**** I indulge a bit and forgive myself, and then the next week I don't even want the stuff I was bingeing on. Seriously...I don't crave it at all. And what I came to realize is that for me at this point, this is all hormonal and not emotional. I could also be eating out of emotion a bit sometimes, but hormones are the major driving force for me right now. If you can't find a pattern, do yourself a favor and let up on yourself for a week. If after that week you are still craving, then intervene and jump on the bandwagon. But let yourself have a week to do your damage and see where you are. What I found is that once I figured it out and "gave in" so to speak, I saw a pattern in my gain and loss that ultimately still lets me see a net loss over time. Go figure. Hope that helps a little. In reference to Freud: sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.... Dina

Maureen, I suspect that we haven't seen some of our old friends in a long time because of weight gain. I hope that's not the case and they're just out living life because this is exactly the place we all need to be coming to when we're struggling. I struggle, struggle, struggle. I don't understand how and why I can eat some of the things I do while other times, just a couple of bites will still make me hurl. A couple of days ago, I ate the top off of a piece of pizza. Within 15 minutes, I was in an IHOP parking lot looking at that pizza topping again. I have that insatiable hunger from time to time. Couple that with the blood sugar issues and I'm in constant turmoil. The other night I woke up at about 3:00 am with the low sugar spins. I felt absolutely drunk as I made my way to the kitchen to get some cantaloupe. I struggle with the same 4 or 5 pounds over andd over and over again. Last week, I literally gained 7 pounds over night. I wanted to cry even though I knew that most, if not all of it had to be water weight. I'm on the other side of the teenager/sex dilema. I just have one son. When he was younger, he had a girlfriend who was a virgin, but I knew they were on the verge of doing the deed. I took him to Planned Parenthood to get condoms and explained to him that his entire future rested in the hands of any girl he has sex with. If she gets pregnant, whatever decision she makes about the baby will impact the rest of his life and he really won't have much to say about it. Whether he should want to keep it, give it up or whatever, the rest of his life will be dictated by whatever the girl decides. Sure enough the girl did get pregnant and against my son's wishes, the girl had an abortion. It devestated the boy and years later he still mourns the loss of that baby. I don't thing young men realize how much of their power they give away when they have sex. On the other hand, I was talking to one of my best friends about this very subject the other night. Her daughter, Brianna is now 27 and has a 6 year old child of her own. When Brianna was in her late teens, Jan took her to the gynocologist to get birth control. Jan's mother had a holy fit about it. Jan's response to her mother was, "Making love with someone you care about is such a wonderful, beautiful experience for a woman. Why would I want to deprive my daughter of that experience?" I have to say that I agree with Jan, but that's easy for me to say since I don't have a daughter. Obviously, there are many young women who are far too immature and unprepared for sex. I think Jillian has shown great maturity and responsibility by asking for your help. It had to be very tough for her to take that step. Take a big, giant deep breath and try not to lock Jillian in a closet for the next 10 years. Love ya, Connie

Reenie, I can relate to the food demons and I am trying hard to work on what is causing me to try to sabotage myself. I don't so much 'binge' as make really poor food choices. When I am making poor choices, I live with a feeling of abdominal distress that just stays with me. Very seldom do I dump with the horrid cramping, but I just have a feeling of misery in the pit of my stomach and it won't go away. I know how much better I feel when I eat right and don't have crap in me, yet I still pick up the stuff and test my limits. I have no experience with children, but I think it is wonderful that you have raised a daughter who can talk to her mother about birth control. In a million years I could never have had that type of conversation with my mother at any age. Hugs, Mo

Thanks guys. Once again you humble me with your genuine and caring responses, so full of insight and wisdom. Connie, if you have 7th grade education, who the hell needs college let alone high school? God, I am so proud to know you and call you friend. Love, Maureen

Reenie My Friend You are for sure not alonewith the food problems. I have weeks I am completele sane & eat just great. Than all of a sudden can't get enough of anything. Just keep eating for no reason that I can see. So I wish I had answers for you. Yes I have gained some weight, but have lost 8 since back to work. My big problem is at night with the grazing. I try not too, but, just do some nights. I have cut the coffee intake in half & that seems to have helped somewhat. As for kids, I don't have any & would be quite upset with what you are dealing with. However, I agree with Mike, that you can't not keep her in the dark as that is much more dangerous than getting her to the Doc for the education in the matter. At least you have taught her some sense or she would not have come to you in the first place. Look at the bright side, at least she did not wait until she was pregnant to come to you & she at least wants to do something to keep from getting that way. That is a good thing. Hang in There. We are all here to stay & help through those nights of binge eating. Marilyn, the Bearlady

Deep breath Reenie Deep breath, You are such a good mother. Do your children understand what a good parent they have? I'm sure that they do because Jillian is talking to you about one of the most important things in her life. She came to you. You! I've been very lucky that my children and I get along very well and have a fantastic relationship with my daughter. But I will say she never came to me when she got to that point. neither did my boys. I guess that I'm lucky because as far as I know there aren't any grandchildren out there. oh I had that talks with them and I offered to take them to the doctors but they refused. My thoughts were I remembered what I had been like when I was a teenager. I wasn't wild my mother was an extremely controling person but no matter who well you are guarded things happen. I was very lucky. I had a 14 year old friend who got pregnant who's parents made her married the man. He was almost 30! Keep in mind this was way back in the 60's. In this day and age the man would be arrested which he should have been. To me it was rape of a child. Back then it was her fault. I dont' think I need to tell you that they are divorced but not until she had a few more children! She could't escape until she was in her 40's. It took her that long to take control of her life for the first time. I didn't want to see my kids go through that at all. So I've raised 3 independate adults. Still no grandbabies but I've got my fingers crossed that in the next few years there'll be one or two! My oldest son will be 31 and getting married this summer. My daughter is almost 29 and just got engaged. That younger son 27 still hasn't found the right one yet. And me? Geesh I just broke the engagement. Its been a rough week. Good luck reenie you've got a good handle on things. pam