Thanks guys - it feels good to know I'm not alone. I'm nervous though; is this how it ends for everyone?

My husband said he wants to start walking in the evenings - but I won't be encouraged until we actually begin walking each night for at least a week.

I'm going to start writing down what I eat - I have an account with Spark People but I don't use it. I need to start logging what I'm eating so I can see what is kicking my butt.

Again thanks so much - I knew you all would be here for me.

((((((HUG))))))

- Kerdeeya

KERDEEYA
I JUST WANT TO LET YOU KNOW THAT YOU ARE NOT ALONE.  THERE ARE SOME OF US WHO ARE STILL BATTLING THE DEMON CARBS.  I STRUGGLE EVERYDAY  AND HAVE ALSO GAINED 6 LBS. THIS PAST MONTH AND TRUST ME I KNOW HOW SCARED YOU ARE BECAUSE I AM ABSOLUTELY TERRIFIED I AM GOING TO GET IN THE SAME SHAPE I WAS BEFORE BUT THERE AGAIN, DO I DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT (EXCEPT WHINE)?  HECK NO I DON'T!!  AND AS WE KNOW, WHINING DOESN'T DO ANYTHING IF IT DID I WOULD BE THE SKINNIEST PERSON ON EARTH.
 
YOU ARE IN MY PRAYERS
MINI ME

Hi there - I'm in a really bad place right now. I feel guilty for coming here because it's been so long since I posted anything. I lurk around, but I haven't been very supportive.   No one can understand this place like you all can. The thing is I know once I tell you all, I will have to take responsibility for my mistakes and be held accountable. Right now that is something I am dreading (how weird right?) because I am comfortable with my misery. I don't want to be - I want to SNAP out of this. I hope you can help...   Here’s the deal: I have been holding steady at 165 for quite some time now - and really loving it. I don’t remember exactly when, but my weight began to yo-yo between 165 and 168. I put it on my monthly pms water gain and didn’t think anything of it. Well, now I am yo-yo-ing between 168 and 171.   You would think that I would just make the hard changes and get back on track, right? Well, it’s like I am on heroine or something because I KNOW I need to exercise and eat right but I’m doing it anyway!   Look I need to come clean about what I’m doing - you all are the ONLY people in my life who I trust to tell this to. No one else can really get what its going on. The hard part is that I know once I tell you that you are going to tell me the truth and hold me accountable - which is good but sucks.   I’m just going to say it - I LOVE CARBS! Muffins, RICE/POPCORN CAKES, pita chips, honey roasted peanuts, wheat crackers, CORN CHIPS, corn tortillas, popcorn, OATMEAL, corn, bananas, squash, green beans, pinto beans - any beans really - I can’t stop eating these things!!!   It started innocently enough - I began to transition from soft protein to solid foods, so I incorporated some stuff that had crunch. The carbs and sugar were low and I needed the fiber. At first it was one rice cake with a small blob of crunch peanut butter for breakfast or lunch. Then it was crackers and cheese packets for lunch. Then it was nachos I made with tukey and fat free refried beans and low fat cheese - with corn chips (no portion control, I would eat till I was full). Now it’s a whole quiche lorraine at Mimi’s café - and if I eat slow enough I’ll take a nibble off a muffin too! Plus I really don’t wait to drink like I should - which I think is making things worse. Oh, and did I say that I am totally addicted to coffee now? My husband had to put me on a budget because I was buying a VENTI Skinny Vanilla Latte (with 5 pumps of SF Caramel added) every day on my way to work. I only get one a week now - but I have started going to Burger King or McDonalds for a large coffee and 10 creams. I don’t like Sweet n Low, so I use either Splenda or Equal (which I just read can cause increased blood sugar levels).   I used to drink about 4 bottles of flavored water every day - and I’m not doing that now.  I used to take my vitamins too. I know I am anemic, which makes my energy low - which is bad for my mental state because when I am tired I get depressed.   I was on a set eating schedule - I would have a protein shake for breakfast, a snack at 10, lunch, a snack at 2, dinner and then a protein shake before I went to bed. Now I seem to want to have something to eat ALL the time - if I’m not eating I want to BE eating.   My house is not good for me. My husband and my son don’t want anyone telling them to do anything. I used to have my front rooms clean and neat - now my dh has taken them over. My son has taken over the den - so the only place I have for myself is the bedroom. On nights when I don’t have something going on, I usually end up in front of the TV by myself eating and watching shows until I fall asleep.  We don things as a family, but it’s always centered around eating - which they both do a LOT of.   I’m not going to lie to you all - I really hate myself. I am so disgusted with my failure - I look at myself in the mirror and see myself as a big fat fat fat fat person. I hate my stomach and my boobs - they are so deflated and full of stretch marks and ugly.   It’s times like this that I really wish I had never done this to myself. I just want to blindly plow through a plate of brownies and peppermint ice cream so bad.   I have tried to get back on track - sort of. I bought this book called ‘Living the Low Carb Life’ - in hopes that I could figure out how to get this under control. Well, I have gotten half way through the book. I have enough knowledge to scare myself. I am in the chapter about the different low carb diets now - I plan to pick one and try to modify it for my situation.   But I’m not an expert - and I don’t know if I have the mental strength to do this anymore. I need help - because in spite of my overwhelming craving for food, I will be damned if I am going to gain all my weight back. I will throw up every meal if I have to in order to stop that from happening. I won’t go back there again - never never never.   If you’ve gotten this far - thanks for listening. - Kerdeeya I would love nothing better than checking in and saying I'm on target and doing great - but that's not the case.

I know I haven't been around in a loooonng time - and really I don't deserve any kind of support from anyone because I haven't been that supportive myself. It's just that I need help and I really don't know where to turn.

I have made these before and they are very good they even had 50% less sugar cake mixes and frostings.  I used the devils food in the the chocolate cupcakes by hungry girl, added espresso powder and made them mocha cupcakes with cream cheese frosting with choc chips on top.. girl im a mess! lol.. they are good tho.

Mmmmm.....I miss those!  The ones I like haven't been in stock in awhile but bet they are on their way back soon for warmer weather. 

Gotta say those brownies turned out awesome (for a mix) and I for sure can't keep a pan of them around.  It was hard dividing them into 12 pieces to get the calorie count right.  Maybe next time I try them I will make them in mini muffins instead.  The portion control will be easier on my eyes and quick to freeze.  This product will make an excellent dessert base too.  I can see making a 'parfait' with it out of some sugar free pudding and lite cool whip, maybe some crushed sf candies.  Or adding different flavourings and dried fruits or nuts to the batter.  Heck, spread out thin in a 9x13 pan it'd even make a darned nice crust for an ice cream pie or something like that. 
It is so wonderful to have better sugar free (or in this case reduced sugar) products available.