Weight Regain & the Fear that goes along with it...(long) xpost

Here I am your friendly neighborhood WLS person and if you know me or have talked to me or have had the WONDERFUL fortune to talk to me on the phone.  You KNOW that I am a NUT...first class crazy, but hey it works for me.  I come off cool, calm and collected.  I have ALL the answers and have never had a problem in my life right?? 

NOPE...I'm here to tell you I'm just as neurotic as they come!!

As I started to write this post I wasn't sure where I wanted it to go so I'm deciding for now I just need to let it flow.

Not to many come here and talk about re-gain.  Could it be because everyone wants to make this journey out to be a bed a roses??  I don't know if some folks know but roses have thorns and they stain the sheets...NOT always a good thing.

Well folks I'm NERVOUS and depending on the scale NEXT Monday we'll deduce if I should be scared...

I am nervous because I am HUMAN. Yup I said it...human.  I am nervous because after 38 YEARS of eating out of boredom I want to think that after LESS then 2 years of "recovery" that I am CURED.  Well as I live and breath I'm NOT.  For the past 2 weekends I have been shoveling food into my face while sitting at home you guessed it BORED.  I promise I have gone in the cabinets and refrigerator at least 20 times a day and almost each and every time I grabbed a handful of this or that...oh and let me just say.....EVERYTHING revolved around a CARB.  I did this KNOWING full well sooner or later it would show on the scale.  It didn't the FIRST weekend, so like any person in recovery I LIED to myself and figured I'd sing along with Brittany "oops I did it again, got lost in the crowd" yada yada.

I weighed myself on Monday and there it was staring me STRAIGHT in the face, my window of 5lbs was now 8lbs.  I weighed 208.something.  I don't remember the point something because the SHOCK of the 208 was there.  This wasn't a "oh Michelle went on vacation and as ALWAYS her weight JUMPED up several pounds."  This WAS and IS a good old fashioned I sat around the house for 2 weekends in a row, eating pie, bread, crackers, ice cream, chips, etc. 

I was BACK in full Michelle mode after I got off that scale and for a BRIEF but yet still a moment, I felt defeated, for about 5 seconds as I put the scale back in it's home I wanted to cry because I DID this to ME...

Once those 5 seconds were over I just sat there, waiting for my inner voice to SNAP me out of, give myself the pep talk that I have given to others.  It took 2 hours, 2 cups of coffee and about 60oz of water for me to SNAP out of it.  I proceeded to go into the kitchen and make me a scrambled egg with cheese and collect my thoughts.

I gained those POUNDS each and every one of them.  I had to OWN them and OVERCOME them.  I am NOT the same girl I was 2 years ago, who would turn a blind eye to what I saw on the scale.  So I planned out the day and did the best I could.  I ended the day with movie theatre popcorn BUT even then, faced with finishing the WHOLE bag I didn't.  I think this was a FIRST for me.  Not only did I deliberately NOT fini**** but I didn't take home the leftovers. 

Today I am still nervous, because the scale went up another pound.  I'm praying that the scale is DONE showing me what I did to undo my succcess.

FEAR can do two things in my opinion.  Move me to action or inaction.  I'm afraid you guys but I'll face my fear HERE out in the open.  Not ashamed and without judgement!  But yes afraid none-the-less.  I won't hide in the corner thinking I'm a failure.

I choose ACTION...

Ms Shell

michelle,

your honesty was so refreshing.  regain is my biggest fear too.
I applaud your attitude and your courage.

You are facing your fear and you will kick it's ass.
I have no doubt.

in solidarity,
Sarah

Ok, here's what I read and thought while looking at your post.

THANK YOU for your HONESTY and your VULNERABILTY. It's not easy to talk about regain and battling old eating habits.

The other thing I noticed is...do you see how your thinking has changed? When you were at your highest weight did you ever freak out over five pounds? Did you weigh yourself everyday? I know I didn't. You are checking yourself and you are aware of reality not hiding from it!!

I'm a nervous eater. With this surgery coming up I am eating everything in sight. So what am I avoiding? What am I trying to medicate myself from by eating food?

You choose ACTION.  A wise choice!!! In this battle against weight WE ARE NOT VICTIMS!  Unless someone is coming over to your house tying you down and force-feeding you cookies...every choice you make at every meal is your own.  So what will you choose to do differently? Are there things in the house you need to throw away? Is there something we can do to help support you?

Love you Shell, and oh so proud of you...thank you for sharing!

Oh yeah I definitely had major lapse in judgement and "allowed" my room mate to bring foods into the house that are a definite NO NO!!

You my dear inspire me like that wind that blows as you run.  Relax those nerves and know that you have arrived and need to be totally at peace with surgery.  Blessings and I can't wait to see that you are done =) and in recovery!!

To the new and improved us =)

Dear Ms Shell,

What a powerful note you've written.  I have your same fear even though I am not done losing weight. I don't think you're nuts, I think you're a compulsive overeater in the company of many other good people who have this condition.  I so identify with what you wrote.  I am freaked out that everytime I lose weight, that I won't lose more.  I yell at myself for snacking on one cracker in the afternoon the same way I'd yell at myself for a bag of M&Ms because I am so worried that I won't lose all the weight I want. I am so there with you in terms of the fear.

Now the good news is you're noticing this at an 8 pound weight gain and not a 50 pound weight gain. I can't tell you how many times in my life I've lost 50 pounds and didn't worry about it until I gained it all back and more. Like you, I will go in my kitchen and look at all my food and will grab a bite here and there.  I have a desk drawer where I used to keep munchies. Even though there is nothing in there anymore, I still open the drawer and look. Talk about crazy, but I think I am learning it's what I do the second I feel anxiety or boredom. It's my habit. 

I belong to an eating disorders support group (focused on compulsive overeating) and I've had one on one therapy to figure out strategies in not eating out of boredom. Despite all the work I've done, I struggle every frickin' day with this.  I've been successful when I do things like no****ch TV past 10 pm, call a friend, get online and complain that my inner muncher is screaming at me. I still have lots of work to do in this area.

Good luck in choosing action. I think it's great you wrote such an honest post about what you're dealing with. I know people want to hear positive all the time, but I prefer people when they're REAL.

MsBlues

Thank you Michelle...for your honesty and the courage to share this part of your journey.  Coming forward with your fears and 'speaking' them outloud helps to take away the power these emotions have over us.  Once we share our emotions with even just 1 person, we are able to move forward..deal with them and take postive steps to deal with the situation.  I have full confidence in you...you will face this 'devil'...and WIN!  You have learned your 'lessons' well over the past 2 years...and your tool is there to help you. Get to rockin' that tool, Girl!! ^_^
Hugs
Nancy aka Sunray

Hey sweetie...here is what I can tell you.  Print out what you have written and hang it on the fridge, the cabinet doors the drawers.  It may not stop you but it will remind you each time you go in the kitchen.

I'm not going to sit here and tell you, don't you worry.  Get back on that horse.  You've made the first step.  Yada Yada Yada.  It's all BS.  You are the only one who can fix this just as I am the only one who can fix my situation. You say you are bored and are eating.  That's a good excuse. But is it really the reason.  I eat when I'm bored, I eat when I'm stressed, I eat when I'm happy, I eat when I'm out visiting. I eat because the compulsion to eat is as strong as an alcholocs or drug users. I like food.  I like the immediate sense of peace that comes over me when I've eaten something sweet or starchy. I use food to cover up and try to push down all the emotions that want to try to strangle me.  It doesn't help.  They are all still there and so then the compulsion to make them go away becomes strong again and I reach for something else.  I want something to make the pain go away.  What is the pain.  What causes the pain.  Too many things to go into and too many things that I must get a handle on.  You need to do that as well or before you know it that 8 pounds will become 80 pounds and you'll wonder how the hell you got there.

I lost over 250 pounds.  That is amazing to me.  I've never been able to do something like that.  WLS was my answer.  Another big round of BS.  I have gained back 70 pounds and why is that.  Because when I got on the scale and saw a 5 or 10 pound gain, I said, no problem.  I can handle this.  I can get it under control.  Well I couldn't get it under control so my solution was to stop getting on the scale.  If I can't see it, I won't know it.  Let's all say it together now...BS. I knew it. I saw it.  I bought new, bigger clothes to cover it. I'm ashamed of myself and don't want anyone to pat me on the head and say it's ok.  You can fix it. Sure I can fix it.  I can go on yet another diet and lose the 70 and maybe even the other 30 - 40 I wanted to lose at the beginning. But is my head ready to do it.  I don't know.  I try each day and most days recently have been good.  This past weekend, not so good. There is no cure Michelle.  There is only what we take from everything we have learned and continue to learn each day.

So I'm not going to say it's ok.  You'll be alright.  You'll get back on track.  I don't know if you will.  I don't know if I will.  I know we'll both try, but will we be successful?  Who the f*ck knows.  I'm sorry this is not a feel good, it's ok post to you. But this entire WLS journey and the beauty of the first couple of years wears off after a while.  Now this takes work.  It's as hard now as it was before WLS.  When they say you have a honeymoon period, indeed you do.  I wish in order to have WLS each person didn't just have to have a bogus psych eval.  Those are just a total waste of time and money if you ask me.  But I wish instead, they would make us have therapy during that first two years after surgery.  No therapy, no surgery. Sign an agreement that if you don't continue with therapy after surgery, you will then owe the insurance company the money back that they paid for the surgery.

I went to a party recently where there were quite a few WLS people.  We had all had surgery within a 3 year period and except for one of those people, everyone had gained weight.  Some less than others, but weight gain none the less.  How sad is that.  It's sad for all of us. 

And so now I've rambled on and wrote a book here.   And if nothing comes of your post and my response at least we'll both know we put it out there for newbies to learn.  This is no walk in the park.  This is no magic bullet of a cure.  It will get you started, but then it's up to you and your demons to work this all out.

Stephanie

After I sat down from applauding myself for posting what I posted...I stood up again to applaud you.  Now for me I had NEVER lost more then 45lbs in my LIFE and that took me from 345 to 300, so in that sense these 100lbs have been EASY, it's the staying here for me that'll be HARD.

I have to own the pounds and own the emotions and feel the anger and feel the pain and YES lord there is anger and pain.  And not let 8 turn to 28 because I don't want to put my hands in the mud and get dirty.  This **** is HARD.

I posted this because I need to SEE it.  I need to OWN it.  I need to MOVE beyond it.

I love you darlin and I hope you keep playing with me on the WDYET thread.  It helps me BUT I do know that when I'm not here to post it on the weekends...they go directly into the ****ter!!

I'll figure it all out..or die trying, but I won't go back =)

We'll try to help each other baby girl.  It's all any of us have here.  Each other.   We didn't get to be morbidly obese because we are such strong individuals.  We are weak.  We have our buttons that get pushed and we unfortunately haven't learned how to ignore them or how to deal with them in anyway other than using our addiction.  In our case it's food.  It sucks, but it's the way it is.

We'll get through this and maybe learn a lesson from it.  And like you said.  If not we'll die trying.

 Steph

Thank you Stephanie.  This was exactly the kick in the A$$ I needed today  I've been carb munching.  Eating when not supposed to be eating.  "sneaking" the bad stuff (who the hell am I kidding -- sneaking when the only person that counts about knowing is me............)

As Shells said...........this **** IS hard and is it no walk in the park.  I am the only one responsible for what my hand puts in my mouth.  If I'm dumb enough to let my peanut brain talk me into eating something I know I shouldn't, well, shame on me! 

I step on that scale each and every day.  For me it is a way to keep my eating under control.  I'm back on the down slide again with the numbers getting smaller, but they'd gone up.  One "special" occasion led to another to another to another and pretty soon the special occasions were up to 7 and 10 times a week instead of the ONE I allow myself. 

The therapy is a good idea.  I went while going through my divorce and it kept me sane.  Now, why the hell can't I use it to tackle my eating disorder.  Hmmmmm, my insurance pays for it.  Shoot, it costs me $10 a visit.  Duhhhhh,

looking into it! 

Big hugs for you.  Thanks for keeping it real.