Updates and Confessions from Lois (LONG POST!)

Hello to all of you, my dear OH family!

I know I have not been around in a while and I wanted to take some time to fill you all in on why that has been.

First of all, my employment situation:  As you will remember the school had given me a rash of **** when I returned from my surgery last March about the lack of sub plans during my extended medical leave.  They placed me on probation for 60 days and finally at the end of that time decided that they would offer me a real (not a provisional) contract for this year, so at least for now my teaching job is secure.  I say “for now" because I am reasonably sure they are looking to RIF some positions after this year and I won’t be surprised to find out that I am on their hit list.  There is no love lost between my superintendent and myself, and it is clear he wants me gone so I can only imagine he is salivating at the thought of being rid of me.  However, until and unless someone actually tells me this, I still have a job.  School started again on September 1, and we are now 3 and a half weeks in and have settled down nicely for another year.

Secondly, my post-op DS life this far at 9 months out: Well I have apparently reached the mother of all stalls or plateaus or whatever you want to call it.  I am down a total of 96 pounds, but I have been here now for the past 2 months and going back even farther, have had very slow weight loss since May. I recognize that this is probably normal, as I have read from many others that stalls are a part of the game, but wow…I wanted to be at the Century Club level by now.  It started out great guns and for a while we thought I was going to be a DS poster child, but I think that is not the case now.  I feel GREAT…I am down to just one blood pressure med a day, a far cry from the 5 I was on twice a day a year ago.  ABSOLUTELY nothing fits me, and I am hesitant to buy much new, as I know the weight loss will resume and hopefully take off like a rocket again soon, rendering anything new that I buy also too big before long.  In the mean time I make due with about 3 outfits that fit ok, several that are ridiculously large and just one pair of jeans.

I have to be honest here though and say that the prolonged stall has had some assistance from me as well.  (Yes, true confession time now…) Remember the ice cream admission last June?  Well, I have rediscovered my sweet tooth demon and am fighting to regain control over sweets and carbs as we speak. I was SO DILIGENT at the beginning, and I am quite mad at myself now.    Some days I am better than others but I have had some really very bad days.  Some of that has been pushing the envelope to see how much I can get away with before the scale starts gaining again but it’s just such a bad habit, and I KNOW THAT!!  I get so damn mad at myself when I have a bad day because all I can see and hear in my head is Lori Black’s video on youtube whereby she reminds us of the reasons why we had our bodies surgically altered.  I am seriously thinking I need to see an addiction counselor to help me understand WHY I want to eat the stuff I KNOW I should not eat.  I also know that the scale will likely start doing it’s thing again as soon as I smarten the hell up and get back with the program.  I am hoping to join in on the bites and vites and or carb watchers threads just so I have to be accountable to someone, as I truly believe that will help me.  I have to get my priorities back on track… I keep reminding myself that a year ago at this time I was chomping at the bit to get a date and start this journey and I have NO desire to return to my former sized-self.  Actually it is helping me just to write this all down so I thank you for listening to my rant and ramble and hope you can relate.

Third, there have been other health issues:  In August I was sent to a dermatologist to have some moles examined, and he ended up taking a biopsy of the one thing I did NOT think was a red flag…it was (or at least I thought it was) a wart on the side of my face that he did not like the looks of.  Sure enough, the biopsy rendered the Cancer diagnosis and that set the stage for an excision.  That could not be done until September 7, so right after school began, I had to take three days off to have my face operated on and then the surgeon insisted I stay home for 2 days after that, since schools are such germ ridden places. I had 12 stitches which have now been removed and the scar on my face is going to heal nicely but they are not allowing me to access the gym until the end of the month of September due to “contaminants" in the air in the gym.  This has not done anything to help my weight loss get moving again either, not to mention the fact that it was more than a bit nerve wracking to not know how much of your face they were going to have to remove to find clear margins.  

Fourth, there are serious financial issues I am dealing with:  I have not shared any of this information with anyone except my best friend, but I truly believe the stress of this situation has made me seek comfort foods again.  I am in a mess financially.  My mortgage and car payments are fine, but I am in a heap of **** as far as credit cards go.  I am in the process of going through a debt reduction negotiation, but the group I am working with won’t begin negotiations until I have at least $7000 in the account I began with them so that they can show good faith payment to the credit card predators.  My original plan was to get a home equity loan, use the money from that to establish the $7000 fund (plus a bit more, so that it would pay off the credit cards once the debt reduction negotiations were complete.) It seemed like a reasonable and well thought out plan. So I signed on to the debt reduction plan and applied for the home equity loan.  BOOM…..the house had depreciated nearly $40,000 in a year’s time making it worth what I owed on it and therefore unable to get a dime from home equity.  So, now instead of being able to go through the debt reduction negotiation lickety-split, I have to scramble to get that minimum amount in there, making a monthly payment of course, and in the mean time the calls from the creditors are coming in several times a day and I am starting to wonder if I shouldn’t just declare bankruptcy instead.  I’ve had to borrow against my retirement, and had to use every cent I made this summer at my other job and as hard as I try, there is just not enough money to make ends meet at the end of each pay cycle.  Is anyone of you a financial planner?  I NEED to get my financial ass on track as well or I am going to have to work till I am 80.  I know times are difficult and I am thankful that I have a job and a roof over my head and so on, but this looming sense of impending doom is really starting to take a toll on me.  Can you see how I might reach for some cookies now and again?  I know, it does not excuse that kind of behavior, but it does explain it.

Lastly, I am considering going back to school.  I plan to apply to a program that, if accepted, would lead to a Doctor of Educational Leadership in three years time.  I know I have to make more money and I also know that I am literally on a dead end road where I am so I have to do what I can to break free of this cycle of financial and intellectual poverty.  If I am accepted to this program, it is all expenses paid and carries a stipend, so I am in the process of planning to take my GRE’s soon (October 9), getting application philosophy statements and essays done as well as tracking down some prior supervisors for letters of reference.  It will be fiercely competitive and I know that my chances are slim, but I do have 27 years of classroom experience to bring to bear.  I hope and pray that will count for something.

And so that’s the latest from me.  If you are still reading, I thank you for your interest and would appreciate your words of comfort and support for any and all of these issues.  I think I have intentionally stayed away because I was afraid to talk about this but once this floodgate opened, I had to get it all out.  It’s been a rough patch for sure, but I know that with your help I’ll make it through to the other side.  Hell, right now I’d like to lose FOUR STINKING pounds just to officially make it a hundred…never mind that there are 90 more to go after that!

I hereby pledge to you all that I will not turn my back on my dear family at OH again.  I will be a regular on the boards again and I will be accountable to myself in all ways.

Hoping you all are well, and looking forward to hearing from you soon, I wish you all the 

Best,

~ Lois ~

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lois, that is a lot for one person to handle! I hope that each day gets a little easier for you. You are in my thoughts.

Thanks Amanda.  It's nice to "meet" you.  Sorry I was not around when you were facing the big day, but I see from your stats that you are well on your way.  I hope it has been a great experience thus far for you. 

Hope to chat more as I get caught up!

~ Lois ~

That's a whole lot going on. Holy cow! Hang in there and be kind to yourself. Good on ya for plan B re: grad school. My DH is applying to some Ph. D. programs in a couple of months. I'm somewhat supportive but am not thrilled with his ideas for getting into education at the uni level. I don't want to move wherever whenever, yanno?

Sorry, this is about YOU, not me. LOL I've missed you and wondered how you were doing. *hugs*

Hugs back at ya!  Thanks for the kind words.  I understand your concerns regarding your husband's career choices...hope you can find a way to reslove them to your mutual satisfaction.  Will keep you posted regarding my efforts.  Thannks again.

~ Lois ~

Lois!  It's so good to know you haven't forgotten us!!  You've been missed!

It sure is frustrating when you are so close to one of your goals and struggle to make it.  But those 4lbs are bound to come off hopefull sooner as to later.

I so understand the carb addiction.  (They are such tasty things.)  This last month has been a struggle with the start of school and sending my second child off to college.  All the changes make focusing on what is good and healthy a real challenge.  I'm thinking about writing down what I eat, this way I can actually figure out how many carbs and proteins are being consumed in a day.

Sorry that there is so much negative stuff going on in your life right now.  Just remember that we are here to listen and support whenever you need us.

Charrie

Hi Charrie!  WOW look at you!!!  You're doing great and it is so nice to hear from a fellow Saranac Laker (well, surgical Saranac Laker that is!)

I found writing down my carbs was very helpful.  Then I strayed away from it and although I KNOW I get enough protein, I think writing a number down on the carbs will be very helpful yet again.  I plan to join in on bites and vites and that should help too.

I might ask to go back to the guy at SL who did my pre-op psych. eval just to discuss what I fear is an addiction.  What do you think?

Thanks for the kind words and support.  I knew I needed it and I let myself go too long without it.

~ Lois ~

Lois, I'm so sorry all this i****ting at once.

It sounds like you are really struggling with a lot of fears. That's a struggle I have too often for my taste. Martha Beck in her book Steering by Starlight talks about the ancient part of our brain, reptile brain, and how it can really poison us with its 'lack and attack' messages. She has some good strategies for combatting the fear. I highly recommend the book.

Best of luck with your grad school application--that sounds like an awesome program.

Hi Jenn,

Thanks for the recommendation about the book.  I will look for it.  I want you to know that just seeing your "mantra" in your signature has helped me...indeed there is a great responsibility associated with the DS.  I needed to be reminded of that.

Thanks!

~ Lois ~

 
Lois!!!  Long time, no see!  I've missed you!!!!    :-)

Sounds like you really have your hands full right now.  I'll be praying for you, Hon!!!

Best of luck with grad-school....prayers that it works out for you! 

Start posting on B&V, get those carbs under control, and you'll feel empowered!!  That's one thing you do have control over - difficult as it may be.  

Please don't be such a stranger!  

Julie