*I need advice-help*

Hi everyone, First, let me apologize-this may get lengthy. I NEED help-some advice-ANYTHING regarding an issue I have with my daughter. I am throwing this out there because I just dont know what to do and dont know anyone who has gone through any of this. First, my youngest daughter, is 16 1/2. So, we have the "normal" teen issues. Her dad and I divorced when she was 4. She doesnt have any "real" memories of him. He is NOT a hands on dad-and never was. He has moved in and out of the state trying to flee from child support enforcement for the past 7-8 yrs. He and I got divorced because he is gay and wanted to live that lifestyle-BEING married to me-and I didnt go for it. I met Mike a yr after that and we have been together ever since. Mike is really the only real "dad" that Stephanie has ever known. She "found" her biological sperm donor in a compromising position when she was 11 yrs old-on one of her visitations with him. That is how she found out he was gay. In January (2007) he came back to town when his step dad died of cancer-and 2 days later-informed me that he has AIDS and wanted the girls to know-and this time he promised that he was going to be a good dad-they would finally be a family and he was going to stay. That lasted a whole 4 months and he moved to Vegas again in June. (saying "the only thing HERE for me, is you and your sister") Ever since my daughter was told about him-she has changed-he can do NO wrong, he ISNT behind in his child support (to the tune of 7 grand he is-but he had a paystub in his glove box showing they were garnishing his wages-and so no matter the proof I have about it-she believes him) She wants to move to Vegas to live with him-BUT-he doesnt want her to. He claims its because he doesnt have the room and yadi yadi-but he just doesnt want to put someone else before his own selfish needs-and so he keeps telling her ONE more semester at school-HAVE to get good grades AND get along with your mom IF you want to move here. To top of ALL of that-she was hanging around w/people who were telling her she didnt have to put up with this or that at home (chores and rules mainly) and that since I wouldnt agree to just let her go and live with her friends-they informed her that IF she could just get me mad enough to hit her-than she could call the welfare department and tell on me-and they would take her and put her in foster care and then she could do whatever she wanted. Well-she tried this several times-and man-to be honest-I wanted to slap the crap out of her-but I didnt. The way she was talking to me-the things she said and getting up in my face and putting her fingers in my face and on my nose---well, you can imagine. But, I didnt. When school was out-I let her take a job helping my dad at the motel he runs-Steph cleans the rooms there-and gets pd cash daily. She also worked at a restaurant in Joplin and so they were giving her transportation back and forth since we lost our car in the bankruptsy. She has been there most of the summer due to her 2 jobs and problems here.....Well-here comes the part I need advice on: She called me yesterday and when I didnt do what she wanted-she got really hateful with me. She then informed me that she doesnt want to come home when school starts-she wants to live with my parents at the motel and go to school in Joplin. When I told her that wasnt an option, because a motel is NO PLACE for a 16 yr old girl to "live"-she informed me that its been the best summer of her life being away from me-that she hates all of us and that I am just trying to be controlling. She said that being she "took care of me" for 2 yrs this is the least I could do to pay her back and that she liked the old me better. She wished I wouldnt have had the surgery or lost the weight. I told her that I was sorry she felt that way-but that she was going to have to suck it up and deal with it-and that we would talk to the counselor on Thurs when we go for our first session. She said that IF I had ANYTHING to do with it-and even talked to the counselor, she wasnt going. Told her that I AM going to the first visit-so they KNOW what needs work and such-and if she didnt like it-it was too bad-her only other option at this point, since her dad WONT take her right now-is the Turnaround Ranch-which is a place for troubled teens. She said IF I loved her-I wouldnt even think about it. I just dont know what to do! Even IF my parents WERE stable and responsible-I dont think a motel is the place for her to be right now. They have a bar that they lease out-and 2 different times now-men have tried to pick her up. So-I dont like her being there. What bothers me-is that even IF my parents got a place-just since June 2006-they have moved 5 times-the motel is the 5th place in ONE YEAR!! They have done this since I have had memories. I hate to say this-but I have done everything the exact opposite of my parents-so that my kids would have better. megan went to the same school ALL her school years-we have moved one time. Mike has been at his job for 12 years and I had 2 jobs in 14 years. I love them, I discipline them-and they have rules and chores. They also have to "earn" things they want. I dont "buy" them cars out right, I pay a certain amount, and they have to as well. They are responsbile for their insurance and such. Now-Steph DID help out when I couldnt do anything-she helped with laundry and cooking-Not every single day-but she helped. She also would do some of my grocery shopping for me when I couldnt. I have beat myself up about the way I got-but up until a yr before my surgery-I worked every single day....its just by the time I got home, I was wiped out. I dont beat them, they are not abused in any way, shape or form-but the abuse we get from her is just unbelievable. The boys dont even want her to come back-because she is so out of control. I feel like she is bi-polar, because she is absolutely fine one minute and the next she is having some sort of breakdown. Her dad and her dads mom BOTH have it-but have refused medications for it-and thus - alot of problems have been put on other people who have to deal with them and their problems. They are now telling me that I am forbidden to put Steph on ANY medications for this IF they find she has it (I know in my heart she does) and since her dads word is gold-she WILL do what HE tells her to do! I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. I LOVE my daughter, but it IS causing stress in our household. On me, Mike and the boys. I am scared to bring her back on one hand-but then I want to MAKE her-to show her that she cannot be a spoiled brat and act like crap to get your way-suck it up, deal with it and move on-quit acting like the sky is falling and that everyone is suppose to pity you because you THINK your life is so bad because you have a few rules. DAMN! She said IF we would move-she would want to stay with us-but she doesnt like living out in the country and not being able to run with her friends. We do let her do things with her friends-but we ONLY moved out here after her and Darrel came and looked at the house and decided that they wanted to move out of their current school district in Joplin-we did NOT force them, the decision was ALL THEIRS.... To top it all off-one of my dads employees-Dianne, well-her neice is living with her right now-she is 16-moved down from Kansas City and she is Stephs best friend. I understand that-but one of the reasons she doesnt want to be home is so she can be around her. Period. My mother is a hypocondriac, she is all about drama and she is in a constant pity party. She isnt happy IF you dont coddle and stroke her problems EVERY DAY...IF you dont-you dont love her. period. I cant live like that. Everything that is wrong with her right now-are things that would be cleared up IF she would just do what the doctors tell her to do-but she wont. I have a hard time with this. She is so bad-that when Steph and my dad got rear ended-SHE was telling me that I NEEDED to make an appt with the ortho surgeon BECAUSE STEPH WAS ACHING (this was the day after the accident she wanted me to make an appt). I said-well, she WILL for a couple weeks-and nothing showed up on the x-rays, so I wasnt going to take her unless she developed a problem-so my mom didnt think "I cared" about Steph. Then SHE wanted me to GIVE HER Stephs pain meds for herself-and I wouldnt-so then again, I didnt care. Well, I DID care-I BROUGHT them to her WHEN she needed them-just didnt leave the whole bottle of pills for her to take. My mom is out of touch with reality-my dad tolerates her because they have played this on and off game for 43 years now-I cant tell you how many times they have split up and gotten back together. Its a BAD situation. I dont want them being her role models- I feel like if I let her stay-she WILL be pregnant by the time she is 18-I can almost garantee it-cause my parents let her go off and do what she wants, with whomever she wants-when she wants-and even when she was grounded from her phone-MY MOM GAVE HER HER phone to use!!!! My dad told me that-and when my mom LIED to me about it-and I told her that dad told me-then she just said well, Im sorry-what was I suppose to do? Um-follow the rules that were set BEFORE she came over! HELP-HELP-HELP!!! Do I leave her with people who have an AWFUL track record and I KNOW is going to be a horrible road for my daughter IF they are her role models...cause I have been there and done that-Do I bring her home-where I know that she is going to be striving for confrontation and being hateful with ALL of us like she was for the past 7 months? Where the WHOLE house will be stressed out non stop? Do I wait and see what counseling says-even though I know she wont take the medication because of her dad? Trust me, when I say-I have NO problems bringing her home and just making her suck it up and deal with it-but I am really really scared of what she will do to myself and or the boys-I dont think she would hurt the boys physically-but mentally-she is NOT nice when they are in her line of fire. Thats for sure. When Jon asked me yesterday what was wrong with Stephanie-I said, well, buddy-she just doesnt want to come home-and I want her to-and he said-Mom, just let her stay-its okay....out of the mouth of a 4 yr old. Well, I could go on and on, but you get the jest of it now-if ANY ONE has ANY words of advice, wisdom or experience- I Would love to hear it. You wont hurt my feelings. My parents say this situation has come about because I am not sensative enough or compassionate enough about her situation. I was for several months-and I have taken her to counseling and such-but I do not believe in sitting around and feeling sorry for yourself for all of your life. I cant do that. I personally think my mom needs to butt out, considering she didnt do a very good job raising my brother or I. We both moved out when we were 16. We both went through Hell in our childhoods-and my parents have never grown up.  Thanks for listening. I appreciate it. I would also like to ask for prayer. We really really need it.  Oh-and just for the record-I have a 21 yr old-finished school, has 2 bachelors and is on her way to getting her masters. She isnt bi-polar or anything like that-was raised the SAME way as Steph-

Bless your heart, I raised 6 children had the same problem with my 16 yr old, she wanted to go live with her dad and at that age there is really nothing you can  do, she went, she could not run fast enough to get back home..she turned out to be the best child ever...you raise them right and they try there wings but they remember their raising and come back home.....just be as kind as you can to her and tell her you love her and want her to stay home..then if she dont, just be there for her anyway, she will remember this more that the fussing.right now the old world out there looks  like so much fun but they learn it is not all fun and games..I will be praying for you...love ya.... Vesta

Oh sweetie my heart goes out to you!  I wish I knew what to say to you.  I havent been down the 16yr old craziness yet and I am so not looking forward to it!  I know that with Randi I will be going thru it soon too.  Hopefully someone here who has been thru this will offer some advice to help.  Just know that you are and will always be in my prayers.  Will call tonight I promise!!! Love Susan

Dear Susan, I thought that was you but I didn't know for sure until I saw you mention your daughter Randi.  I have been on the journey of wanting weight loss surgery for years but something always comes up and things go on hold.  I am half way thru my 6 month dr supervised diet.  I have my consult on Nov 7.  I have to go to Sedalia because of my insurance for my surgery.  I don't mind going to Sedalia though because Dr. Hornbostel is the best.  How have you been?  I heard you have been having problems with your surgery.  If you don't mind me asking what problems have you been having?  I am trying to have as much info as possible.  I am hoping to have surgery in December or January. Now as to how I know of you.  You may or may not of ever heard of me though.  My son's name is Noah.  Alex and Shannon are his cousins.  I don't know if you know much about him.  Sherry is very private about a lot of things.  Noah is Bobby's son.  Sherry and Bobby have always known about him they just didn't really want to be a part of his life till 2004 till Bobby found himself in a heap of trouble then he suddenly had a lot of reqrets about his life.  I have heard of lot of how close Shannon and Randi have been over the last few years.  I also have a special needs child like Alex but yet different in other ways.  Noah was diagnosed as being Bipolar since he was 4 years old.  He is now 8 years.  Well I am not like Sherry.  I am very open about things and have been honest with Noah from the start. I also know Danny.  Haven't heard from him in a while.  My husband and I used to live down the street from him.  We see him every once in a long while. Well  I don't know what else to say.  It would help to have someone close in St. Charles who has had the surgery to ask questions and i do ask a lot.  If you would be willing please email me back.  I would really love to have someone to talk too. [email protected] Thanks, Kelly

Honey i had a daughter that was a wild child too and it continued until she was close to 30 , The advice i have isnt really advice but She quit school without me knowing it at 16 and the school never called me or anything, she a few months later went and took her GED and passed it without studing or anything. She then moved out with a boyfriend at 161/2 . I just let her go didnt have much choice it seemed. that is what the police told me anyway and just was there for her when she needed me but i refuse to let her use me so it was touchy for awhile. She would say things like , if you loved me you would do this or that.  She and i are close now but she knows that if she goes off half ****ed and gets herself in trouble then i wont pay to clean the mess up for her. I told her that if she wanted to be grown up then she had to accept the responsibilitys of all of it. including the bad.  I dont know what the answer is for the rebellious child. I had two older than her and they never gave me a minutes trouble. I didnt raise her one bit different than i did them. I think some of them just get a bad gene that messes with them.

I will pray that you will find a way to deal.

I can't tell you want you should do but I know what I would do.  I don't have kids of my own but I do have foster children...teenage foster children at that!  LOL  I can assure you that it is not all fun and games in a foster home.  There are rules and structure and although there are fun times, it sounds like she has it better at your house! 

My day job is as an adult probation and parole officer so I am a little more strict.  I would be bringing her home and she would be following my rules.  Once she earns priviledges, she gets them.  She may be mad now and be hateful now but in a few years when she doesn't have the kid she wasn't ready for, has graduated school, isn't on drugs or have a felony on her record, she will thank you. 

You are in a tough situation...I feel for you.  Good luck.   Jennifer

Hey girl... Sounds like you have a few issues there! My track record is not the greatest with my daughter but I can say that, in her heart I know she still has the values that she was taught while being raised in our home! Things got bad between her and I at about the age of 15. She wanted to go live with her Dad in Wisconsin! Someone, she had never met or I should say was to young to remember ever seeing him, he was an alcoholic and a wife beater! I didn't want to but everyone said, let her go and I did! It was best that I let her see what I had warned her about all of her life. She said that living in jail would be better than living with us! Well, okay....I let her go, 8 months later, she's on the phone, crying, begging, pleading for me to let her come back home. I let her stew for awhile, then called her and told her that she could! Things were better for awhile then she started up again, not as bad but like most teenagers, her age.  Believe it or not, most of your daughter's behavior is normal but I would still get her checked out! If she were my daughter and I thought she was bi-polar, she would be at the Doctor's, getting the meds she needed, no matter what anyone said! I know some people may look down on that but they aren't the ones having to live with her and if she is bi-polar you know she hurting and confused on the inside! That alone can drive a person nuts but then there are her hormones and all the other yucky teenage stuff going on! In our home, parents rule the house and we definitely don't let any of the kids be a wedge between myself and David. We were warned to stand together, never apart when it came to the kids because they do have a way of doing that and it pushes the parents apart and the marriage becomes a divorce! I'm sure that you have taught her the good values and rules and even though you may not see them right now....they are still there! Trust me! It's just at this age, their all mouth, no brains! As for the friend she's running with, you can try to stop it but if they want to be together, they will find a way with or without your permission! You just have to pray that her heart is God's and trust that what you have taught her will stay with her and that she will make the right decisions! You can only do so much at this tender age, they know their rights....it is drilled into the heads at school and from their peers! You wouldn't believe some of the things my daughter came home telling me! A bunch of legal mumbo jumbo that I didn't even know existed! I had to get on the internet to look the stuff up (without her knowing) to see if it was true and to my surprise, it was! We stood firm with "our house, our rules" and that she could always go back to live with her Dad...that usually straightened her up for awhile! You, unfortunately have people around you that are not healthy for her! Giving her everything she wants and letting her do whatever she wants is NOT good for a 16 year old that thinks she knows everything and that nothing will happen to her! Does she see the news and hear about the abductions/rape and killings that are going on with girls her age? If not, let her see them! Don't tell her about them because she will not believe anything you try to tell her right now! The counseling may help with her, one on one and family counseling might help too!...it worked for us! As for your parents, if they are going against your say....that is a BIG nono here! We had, at one time banned David's Mom from seeing our children because of her behavior! The kids won't have anything to do with her now that they are grown! Get my point? The "good values and rules" stay with them, even when you think they aren't! Pray a lot!! You ever hear the song "I Surrender All"? That's what you need to do! In your bedroom, at the altar at Church...any place where you can be ALONE with God! Pray and release ALL the bad stuff inside of you! Give it ALL to the Lord...He can handle it, we as humans can't!!  Your daughter and her issues, your Mom and hers, your ex and his problems, finances, your health issues....all of it sweetly, Surrender All!! No matter how bad it is, no matter how small, if it bothers you or is a problem in your house...give it to the Lord! Do you have a good pastor? If you do, you might ask him and the elders of your Church to come out and bless your home! I have and let me tell you, talk about airing out your house...it's better than ANY air freshener you can buy!.....lol Your home will be blessed and it will feel blessed! Satan will feel real uncomfortable there! Honey, I wish you luck and KNOW that I will keep you and this situation in my prayers! If you need to talk more, you know where I am! Love you.....Deb M

Just in case you don't have the email I sent to you a few months ago I wanted to give you some support. I have four children of my own and my daughter was the most rebellious child I have. I tried and tried. I got tired real tired. I would cry myself to sleep because I thought I was losing the battle. Her sperm donor always told her when things get tough come live with dad. He smoked pot and was known for smoking with his kids. My daughter was 11 yrs old the first time she smoked pot and smoked it for the frist time with him. The kids could drink and party at dads and mom was a stick in the mud and boring. I totally wanted to give up. Now that she is pregnant she cries and tells me often how sorry she is for what she has put me through. Janet you can't give up the fight now. You are the only fighting for her. ake her a$$ come home. I would also ground her for causing problems while she was gone. She says she hates her family. Give her something to hate you for. Now I don't mean to be down right mean. But if she does something you don't like call her on it. If she is rude or mentally abusive to the boys send her to her room. Tell her when she is ready to come out of her room and explain why she continues to treat them the way she does when they do nothing but love her then she can come out. Have her sit whoever she was rude or mentally abusive with (no TV no other interference) and explain to them because you are tired of making excuses to them for her. I would also tell her the next time she gets your arents into the middle of this she will not go bac****il you feel comfortable with it. Explain you love her to spend time with her grand parents but you will not stand to be treated the way you are treated when she calls you from there. I think I would tell her not to bother calling you and asking you anymore if she can live there or stay one more night because the answer is no and it will only get her grounded.  Lastly, if these things don't work start taking things she loves, radio, tv, computer time, phone time, pool time. It will seem like she is grounded for a LONG time but in the long run I think it will get better. If you use any of my suggestions make sure you sit her down and tell her all these consequences before they happen so she won't be surprised when they do happen. I have tried all of these. Used together they work. It is tiring it hurts and most of all just when you think you're failing you gain a little. You are a great mother and you don't deserve to be treated the way you are being treated. She will scream and slam doors and cuss you behind your back but you just keep putting your foot down sweetie sometimes we have to demand respect from the harder ones. She will thank you in the long run. Just not right now. I didn't mean to be harsh or be on my soap box but thi****s close to home for me because I have been there. Mine was going to go live with daddy too butreality was that he didn't want her. He just made her believe the only person that really loved her was torn way from her at age 11 and never allowed to stay with him again. I was mean terrible mom.  But I was the mean terrible mom who kept with it until the end DON'T GIVE UP YOU'RE THE ONLY FIGHT SHE HAS!! I love you girl and I feel for you I will pray for your family tonight. Hugs PS sorry so loong Guess you can tell I am passionate about this

Hey girl! I know where you are coming from. My husband and I have 5 kids together 4 lived with us at one point. Two were mine from before my marriage to my husband. I was "lucky" enough to have the counselor from school tell three of my children that when they turned 17 there was nothing we could do to make them come home, yet we were still responsible for them. Then my nosey sister-in-law (who my kids called grandma) started coddling them and moved them in with her. I still have some bad feelings over this.  One thing though, when they finally get out in the real world, they go through trials and tribulations, and they finally see where you were coming from. All you can do is be there to help pick up the pieces. You have taught her the best you can, and these things will gnaw at her mind when she is out going against these values. Will she make mistakes? Yep. Every kid does. No matter how much we shelter them, they will still make mistakes and there is nothing we can do to prevent them. We want them to have fairy tale lives, but only they can make that happen. I am sure, she is lashing out at you too, with displaced anger, because her dad is dying.  She probably is having a hard time dealing with this. All you can do is let her know you love her and that you will be there for her. At 16 1/2 it is hard to make them do anything without getting physical, and I did that with one of my kids. We ended up in a fist fight due to a fresh mouth and slap.  I pray that GOD touches you in this situation and that he guides you in what to do. Parenting isn't easy that is for sure! I read a sign today that said , "A daughter begins to truly understand her mother when she becomes a mother too." My kids seem to have done just that. I don't know how many times I have heard them say, "Now I understand what you were meaning mom." I prayed through the night on many occasions because I knew that my 4.0 senior dropped out of school and became addicted to drugs. I prayed again when her brother followed suit. I have prayed often, and it is the greatest tool you have to help your children. If GOD can't get to them, no one can. My 4.0 senior on drugs, she is a environmental specialist, married, and has two kids now. My son is in construction and married with 4 kids. I still pray through the night for my environmental specialist and construction worker, as do I for my seceretary, and Respiratory therapist. They all went down bad roads, one is still there, but with GOD's help they can all turn around. My pastor once told me that his father would always say, "When you can't see through the forrest, get down on your knees, for then you will see clearly through the trees." This is a trial of many and GOD will see you through.  Your in my prayers. Elisa God, I ask that you touch this kindred sister of mine. Give her peace through this situation with her daughter. Help her to see the appropriate steps to take with her daughter. Help her to be bold when boldness is needed, and help her to be still when she needs to be silent. Replace this worry with the peace that only you can give. God, touch her daughter in a way that only you can do. You see what is going on in her mind and heart, and I ask that you touch her in a mighty way. Put your hand upon her life and minister to her I pray. Help her to see the things she is doing wrong, and help her to change them. Be with this entire family, ministering to each one of them in their own way. Bind this family together like they have never been bound before. Restore the love in them that was once there. We thank you for this Lord, for we know even now as we speak you are begining to work. When things look like they are worse rather than better, help her to see that this is just the low point in the valley, and that the only other way is up. We love you Lord, and we give you all the glory and all the praise, in Jesus' wonderful name. AMEN

As just a young lady myself I don't have any advice for you but I will be praying for you and your family.