Desparately need prayers, advice, happy thoughts, hugs...anything!

Well here I am...never thought it would happen to me, but it is. I am getting more and more depressed with each passing day.  It's all I think about: in the mornings, in the afternoons, in the evenings, even in my dreams.  The other night I was talking to Jon and he asked if I wanted to go to Sonic to grab a drink, when it hit me...I can't.  I can't have anything from Sonic that I used to like....or pretty much anyplace....and I HATE it!! I don't know what to do....I've been avoiding my family, my friends, and you guys....b/c I just don't want to talk to anyone....but I don't know how to get over this. I know it's normal, I know most people do regret it at least once and that most people do mourn their food or whatever.....but, I honestly thought that I would be able to get by without it happening to me.  That's what I get for thinking.... It's not the "food" so much as it is, I just don't feel normal anymore....I just feel so different when I make my plate and Jon's plate....I look at them and I am so embarrassed to eat around him b/c my plate has like 2 freakin' tablespoons on it....ugh! The other night, I broke down bawling to Jon and I told him "I'd rather be fat, be normal and able to eat/drink what I want and maybe die a few years earlier...."  Now, I don't want anyone to think that I'm contemplating suicide...b/c I'm totally NOT.  Never.  I just....ugh, I'm so sad all the time. Then, I finally get on the scale this morning for the first time since I got home, and turns out my mom's scale was wrong.....so I haven't lost as much weight as I thought I had....(double checked with my pcp's ofc today and my scale is correct).  I've still lost a LOT of weight, don't get me wrong, but just not as much as I had thought..... Well, I think I've rambled enough for now......anyone have any thoughts?? I love you all Rianne

Rianne, Yes it is hard at first and I think most of us feel that way. I know I did. When I went to sonic I got juice so at least iI didn't feel left out. I even went thru not being able to do liquids till I had my stoma dilated.But now 4 months out I sometimes wonder if I am eating too much!!!!But when I figure it up I am not, it is just different as the days and weeks go by. You also my be suffering from some depression . Just double check with the Dr. and I am sure things will work out. As for the weight, I like it when the scales move but I like it even better when the inches leave and the clothes start falling off. keep your chin up it will get better. Julia

I almost wish I had the problem of thinking I was eating too much.

I KNOW that I'm not getting enough protein OR liquids in....and I just don't know how to fix the problem.....I sip and I sip til my face turns blue and still can't hardly get in more than 40 oz of liquid most days......what am I doing wrong??

Also, for meals, I eat when I can....I don't get feelings of fullness yet, but I sometimes just feel like my pouchie doesn't want food....if that makes any sense. And, I just don't know how to fix it....ugh....

And also, there just aren't enough hours in the day to get eating and drinking in......b/c of the 30 before and 30 after rule.....

 

HELP!

It took me a long time too to get the fluids in. Just be patient though, it will happen. There will be days that nothing will probally agree with your pouch and then other days everything will be fine.Like today I am having trouble keeping things down. My pouch doesn't want to be bothered. But this weekend it wanted everything!!!! So you will even out. Dr. H says that if diet cola is flat we can drink it. So I do. By the time I pour it and get around to drinking it it is always flat as can be so I use that as an alternative to other things I am tired of. But you are only a few weeks out so just relax and take in what you can. Don't pu**** when I was at your stage I could barely do 30 ounces let alone 40 or more. You will be fine. I don't ever get the "old feeling full"sensation because the old way you felt full clear to the bottom, now I just feel like it is a lump, like I swallowed wrong in my upper chest. That is probally the hardest thing to get used to. But remember you are still a very new surgery and it will take time to adjust and for you to know what your body wants and doesn't want. My first 3 months were definitely the hardest. Remeber to look at the long picture of it and don't be so down on your self each day. Hope you feel better soon. Julia

Thanks :-)  I appreciate it....a lot

I called you. Did you get my message? Rianne, I am so sorry you are going through this, I was looking for post from you earlyer today and wondered where you had been. I understand completly. I miss your post!  I broke down the other night because we went out with some friends and they ordered fried mushrooms, my fav. and I couldn't even have a taste. I just sat there in the resturant and balled. Thank God for such a supporting husband and friends.  It will all be worth it. I am learning that more and more each day. What is the scale saying? How much have you lost?  I am down 40lbs since surgery.  I love you and I am praying for you. Keep your head up! You can do it!

I miss you and everyone as well so much!  But, I just couldn't get online.......I'll work on it.... I completely understand your pain, I want an order of Sonic Cheddar Peppers more than life itself right now.....but we both know a) I don't need them and b) probably wouldn't sit well.... Mom found me a healthy alternative recipe for them today though, so in a couple of weeks I am all over those......and, they have more protein and less of all the nasty crap that Sonic's has....so hopefully they'll be so amazing my brain won't realize the switcharoo..... Well, see, funny (not really) story with the scales.....turns out, my mom's scale is off....and so when I weighed myself this week for my weekly weight it was higher than what mom's scale said (which triggered another outbreak of tears)....but I went to PCP's ofc today and mine is correct so I'm just going by it from now on.....I've lost 22 lbs since 7/16 and 31 since preop liquid diet.....which is REALLY good...I'm not negating that at all......I am so excited bout those numbers.... I can see my watch and some of my clothing fitting me differently....I can wear cotton "cheerleader" shorts that I couldn't wear just 2 months ago......they are soooo comfortable!! I love you too and I hope you don't think I've been avoiding you specifically...just the world.  I've been really busy lately too though.....trying to get moved.  Except the place STILL hasn't let us sign the papers....they are NOW saying that "maybe" tomorrow we can....UGH!  It's been a week now they've been saying that........we're almost to the point where we wanna try to find another game plan....we'll see..... I love you bunches and I miss ya :-)

Rianne Sorry you are feeling poorly. I also am having problems but seem to be having the opposite problem. I don't want food and don't think it sounds good. I am still on a limited diet and nothing sounds good.  I think we are going thru a phase right now. I know it is hard but just ride it out it'll get better. Right now we can eat only a few bites but as time goes on our little pouches will get a little bit bigger and we will be abe to hold 4 - 6 ounces. At that point it'll be that we can eat but we will eat like a skinny person. If you keep feeling depressed maybe you should call your doctor or see a counselor. Maybe what you are dealing with and me too is more head related because we are limited. I think we have to figure out what is going on in our head. That seems to be the ticket. It is hard not knowing our body anymore or what our body needs. It is even harder to know what we are supposed to be doing but not be able to do it. For now I have cut out my foods except cottage cheese because the rule is protein first and I can't do protein first AND eat. Don't do what I am doing tho. Call your doctor if needed. We knew this would be a life changing event and it sure is. So just hold on and remember protein first above all. We have to have protein. Know that I am here and willing to help in anyway possible if I can. I love ya girl and together we can get through this. Should I call you?? because I will I will be here for you we can do this I know we can!! Love ya girl Hugs

Hey girl....I'm so sorry I haven't called ya lately to check on you, I'm such a terrible person....but I've been so wrapped up in myself....awful I know.  But, also, I don't have your number (no excuse I know) b/c I got a new phone and new phone number and lost yours with the old phone...... Oh, I don't WANT to eat all of those items....I don't WANT to eat either.....it's just the thought that I couldn't eat them even if I wanted to that's getting me down right now....but it'll pass.  I'm just taking it one day at a time and going from there......everything I eat has protein in it in some form or fashion....I even found some great NSA ice cream bars that have like 5 or 6g protein per bar....so that's not too bad.... There just aren't enough hrs in each day though to get all my protein AND all my liquids in.....I'm giving it my best shot though......I'm still not getting much more than 40 oz of liquids in a day though....no matter how much I sip and sip and sip.....ugh.....stupid 30 mins before and 30 mins afterwards is killing me!!!! Luckily (or maybe unluckily), nothing I've tried has really made me dump dump.....there's been a few things that didn't sit too well....but I wouldn't really consider it dumping.  I mean, I haven't gone out and eaten anything I shouldn't have (like some greasy fat sugary foods).....just the things I have tried have gone over fairly well for the most part. Anywho...I'm going to send you my new number in a private msg....call anytime....I'll always get back to you if I can't answer right away :-) I love ya *hugs*  miss ya lots

AAWWEEE  poor kid! I KNOW your feelings. it is a tough realization when you come face to face with reality! WOW!  it was the $th of July stuck in the hotel in LR when I realised that no more big plate O BBQ not that I want a big plate of food....ok I do....but not physically...not much interest in food. but to know...UMMMM NO well. it really left me in a bad place.  I feel better after this weekend.  I had to be out of town and my house and we had to eat out. instead of concentrating on what I couldnt have I worked on what I could. I found something each place the kid choose and it was CHEEP! coz I Cant eat....I got to use my lil card from the Dr. explaining the kid price...but they just let me have my food free. I waited a whole hour before going there...but it still was laughable at what was on my plate AFTER I ate.  cheer up kido! we asked for this chance at a new beginning! Jan called it buyers remorse! aint it the truth!?! it is my hope to get to meet you at the next support meeting....in Rogers the ladies who have used Dr.Baker call themselves Bakers Babes....I prefer to be Bakers Butterfly! calm down and allow yourself time to mourn.... but as we get farther out it will get better.  there are times like tonight no one wanted to cook.... so they wanted quiznos....but nope they had to do burgers.  I had 2 bites...cut up into 4 with cheese no bun. it may have been bad but it was purty good! YOU CAN DO THIS!  you deserve a better life! HUGGGGGGZZZZZZ feel better! remember you are not alone....I bet you feel better about it after that drain comes out. nutti