Open letter to Body Dysmorphia....

Wow Mary.  This is huge.  I am terrified for you and at the same time thrilled by the power you have verbalized against the demon you have identifed.  The issue would be so much larger if you did not undertand what you were dealing with, but you do in fact know what it is.  You can no longer hide behind a wall of size and clothing.  You are Mary and only Mary.  You are exactly who Mary is and there is no reason to hide her.  You are not defined by size, by what you eat, by the company you keep, by the job you hold.  You are defined by who you are.  If there were no mirrors, who would you be then?  You would still be Mary.  Loving, true, trustworthy, strong, determined Mary.  No mirrors. 

The exercise to begin with is this: Look to the DEFINITION OF SELF, not to the PHYSICAL PRESENTATION OF SELF. 

ASK-WHO AM I?
DO NOT ASK-WHAT IS MY AESTHETIC IMAGE?

Who you are gets you into a job, a successful marriage, into friendships, promotions, into a process of successful parent/child relationships.
What you look like might get you into a club faster, might get you a promotion for the wrong reasons, and that's about it.  When you die, this whole package shrivels up and turns to dust.  What the hell good will it be then?  What good will it be in another few years when you no longer look as good as you look now??  You need DEFINITION, and not in the physical sense.

ASK-What do people do who have lost their entire physical "presentations" to burn, assault, accident, illness or defect?  They either lay back and "die a terrible life" OR they define themselves as something other than a "physical presentation".

Take the demon and fight it.  You are worth the fight.  Determine your worth and club the demon to death with your new found strength.  In the process, lean on your community for support.  You  know I'm not going anywhere my sister.

Love to you,
Shauna

Thanks guys for being open to what I'm saying.   Lord knows if I say it at work, they all look at me like "are you kidding?! "  but you guys, wether you're going through it or not...   you guys get what and where I'm coming from.

I truly appreciate the support.   It's much needed right now.

Poor Norm tries everything he can to keep me grounded.   He loves me with his whole heart, and he has a LOT of patience :)

I'll get through this.

One step at a time!

Hi Mary,
A few things,

1st, Are you going through a trying time right now? Is something going on that you're struggling with emotionally?
2nd, What is beauty to you? What is pretty to you? What is attractive in your mind right now?
3rd, How do you feel about you? Do you feel worthy of... happiness, success, prosperity?

You need not answer any of these questions, just ponder and consider. Consider how Mary feels about Mary. We all can applaud you, and we do. We all can like you, and we do. We all can tell you how beautiful you are, inside and out, and we do. We all can love you, and we do, but those demons of doubt within are powerful. They are as powerful as our desire to be rid of them. They feed off our power and our weakness. They can blind us to the truth that is right before us. That you Mary Benford are one of the most beautiful, successing members of our OH/Barix family. I know that, we know that, but do you in your heart know that?

Being attractive and beautiful isn't easy... especially when you're of a shy nature. Being out in front where all eyes are upon you can be ... scary. Mary how do you feel being out there these days? Gone are the days of hiding. Many of us found comfort in hiding. You can't be judged if you aren't seen. You can't be made fun of if you're not seen, but that wasn't living. It was barely existing. Mary now you are living, really living. Life is hard sometimes but even with the struggles we must bear life is always worth it. Mary you are worth it. Mary Benford you are worthy. Say it, believe it, know it. Stare those demons from the past good bye for they are not worthy of your concern.

Love you,

Dennis

Dennis,

       where to begin?? :)   Surprisingly, I'm not going through any thing major, but I can pin-point it.  The way I feel about myself, is directly reflected bywhat the scale reads.  I've gained a few pounds.  But our scale is about 9 pounds off right now.

Knowing that...   doesn't change that I still see that disgusting number every morning.  Easy solution...  get rid of the scale.  I know this.   I for some reason can't bring myself to do it. Gotta love obsession.

and I have to be honest with all of you... some days are better than others.   I can have an outfit on one day, feel completely fine in it...   and put the same outfit on the next day and feel awful.  

I absolutely feel worthy of it all..  which is why I think it completely ****** me off that I'm not!I feel almost selfish in not feeling completely grateful for being healthy...   and instead looking at all of my faults.  Maybe it's because if I point them out first, and then someone else does, it wil be ok, because I've accepted it. 

I didn't put this out there to make anyone worried about me..   I'm certainly not considering anything drastic.  I love myself..  I love my husband.  I love my family, and i absolutely love all of you.   I just was being honest with how this stupid thing is effecting me.   Just being honest, taking a leap, and opening up.  It's a struggle.  One that I WILL overcome.

One that I will beat.   

You all know I'm a generally happy person... a shy at times, but overall happy person.

Some of the comittees have just gotten the best of me lately, and I needed to talk it out here...

<3

I have a similar issue, but I think I frame it a bit differently.  At a year out, after having lost 135 pounds, I felt amazingly beautiful and sexy.  I felt AMAZING.  And I loved all the compliments I got.  Now at 2 years out, I am the same weight, I wear the same clothes, but when I look in the mirror instead of seeing beautiful and sexy, I see saggy and bulgy.  What's up with that?  And I miss all the compliments I used to get.  I need to hear I look amazing.  I have ego issues, I think.

jill

Mary,


   I am sitting here at my desk in work watching the rain fall and tears are falling out of my eyes just as hard. I understand what you are feeling 110% and at times I will make jokes about it to hid the way I really feel about my body. 

 My "muffin top" makes me feel like I have not lost a pound of weight and takes away from what I see overall. When I look into the mirror I will still see the 340 pound girl not the much smaller version of me that it really there.  In my eyes spanx and girdles don't help hold it in and all everyone can see is the muffin top.

 I struggle to feel good most days and do a great job of letting the outside world not know just how much I hate "muffin top" with the humor but at night or the morning I look at it with disgust and just want to be happy how far I have come.

  **hugs**

Wow.  Amazing intial post and follow-up posts.  The PA board is by and far the most honest yet loving, compassionate place to be.  I'm glad I found my way here.

Mine is not always related to my body although many times it is - I just "feel" big around other people.  A lot of times it just feels like I don't "fit" in and I blame all different parts of me at different times.  But no matter what I can never understand why people see things about me that I don't (funny, thoughtful, somewhat attractive or whatever).  One of the spiritual gurus I have been reading a bit of (and they all eventually say it at some point) said something that truly resonated with me.  That part of you that is saying/thinking/feeling those things lives in each of us, albeit a little differently because we're all unique, and he said that it's the "ego" (or mind or voice or whatever you want to call it) looking to separate.  To keep us separate from who we "really" are - divine spark.  I started to look around and see how so much of our culture and society IS about separating - us vs them, us vs parts of ourself we don't want to claim, and ultimately from anything having to do with spirit/love.  This melds so beautifully with what Shauna said about being more than a "physical presentation" - I REALLY LOVE THIS - and remembering that we are deeper than that - even IF society may have been beating us up (and we ourselves) all this time for our "poor" physical representation (overweight).

Thank you for sharing your journey with us but ultimately it will be you that overcomes - you who comes to believe these things about you, Mary, the wonderful person on the PA board that inspires us all.

I've stayed out of this for the most part... I do what I can to help with this on a regular basis, because ultimately, it's a very personal issue.

I certainly acknowledge that this is typically more of an issue for most women than it is for most men. That's a generalization, but it's probably a fairly accurate one. The world judges women much more harshly than it judges men. And as a result of that, I think a lot of women are much harder on themselves than they really need to be.

Are there things about my physical appearance that I'd like to change? Sure.  I can work out all I want, but there's not an exercise in the world that makes lbs. and lbs. of belly and chest skin magically disappear. Nothing short of plastic surgery will fix that, and that's not something I'm interested in pursuing because I'm very happy with myself and I'm not willing to throw down that kind of cash.

It's still sometimes a struggle for me to walk around with no shirt on, or to wear a shirt that I think clings at me in an unattractive way, but you know what? I do it anyway.

I'm so ridiculously far from perfect. But I do the best with what I have I worked to achieve, and I think I'm making a good run at it. I guess I just wi**** were as easy for Mary and the rest of you guys to feel that way too.

Hi All,

I've not yet been approved for surgery, but want to thank each of you - Mary first, for posting this, but the rest of you as well for your thoughtful and honest replies.  As I consider my options during this pre-surgical period, the information I've gotten from this website, from all of you that have worked so hard, and have been through everything I have experienced (and will experience) has been invaluable.  When / if I do have RNY, I will go into it with eyes wide open, recognizing the obstacles, and understanding that surgery can change my body, but everything else is up to me.  I hope I'm up to it, it's a comfort to know that y'all have doubts and still work it anyway.  It makes me think that I just might be able to do this.

Thank you all so much,

E

Hey E,

    The benefits DEFINITELY outweigh the struggles we face.   Every day is a challenge though.  Everyday we have to work...  and plan...  and make our own decisions.  Like Shauna always says...   ultimately we control our own destiny.  

Success is a journey, not a destination.  I'm very early on still..  even at 2 1/2 years out when I look at the big picture.   I have my entire life ahead of me...   a family to build...  a future.  I have options...  options that weren't even a thought in my mind before this surgery.  This is a hurdle I was aware I could face...  and I'm facing it head on.  But know this, our board is one of the strongest...  most loving group of people I've ever known.  They're all my family.   We're all here for eachother.  In ways that go WAY beyond what are expressed here on the forum.