Looking for Opinions and Suggestions

I apologize in adavance for the length of this one.  I am heading down to Florida after work Friday to see my Stepmother (she married my father when I graduated college and was with him when he passed away 5 years ago but she is now remarried) and my Stepsister as well as a few friends who still live there.

Now, here is my dilemma.  I did not tell them I had surgery.  Frankly, I love my stepmother and stepsister to death but they are worry warts and since they live so far away, I didn't want to tell them before and worry them.  I also, I admit, did not want to have any long drawn out discussions regarding my decision before surgery. I have no idea how receptive they would be to the path I chose.  I only told my mother (who lives in the house 50 feet behind mine), my aunt, and my husband's parents as they were in the area and needed to know.  To my stepmother, stepsister, stepbrother and brother (all of whom live out of state and at least 700 miles away) I wrote notes in the event that anything happened during surgery.  When everything was fine, I tore them up. I was released from the hospital on Thanksgiving day yet talked to everyone and they had no clue and I also talked to them on my birthday the week after my surgery with no indication of my surgery and state of recovery. 

To make a long story a little less long, now I am 7 months out and never told them.  Every time I thought about it I rationalized that it wasn't something I should do over the phone and I would tell them when I saw them and we could talk face to face.  Well, now that I am going to see them, I am wondering how they will take it.  Part of me does not want to tell them.  I am not ashamed of my choice-- it was the best decision I made in my life.  I am concerned that they will be hurt that I kept something from them that they would see as major surgery, etc.  I hope they can understand my reasons for not telling them, but who knows. 

My husband has suggested that I not say anything and rationalizes that I will only be there for 3 days and since not all my time will be with them, they will not really notice anything other than the weight loss.  Since they have seen me at my previous lowest weight (15 pounds than I weigh now) he thinks they won't even really question.  However, as I pointed out to him we will be down for 2 weeks in November at Thanksgiving before we go on my 35th BDay cruise, and while 3 days is not hard to imagine that they may not notice my half cup of food per meal or other things, I think the 2 weeks is a different story.  Plus, if I don't tell them now and they figure it out then, it would be worse I think.

So, I keep vascillating between whether to share with them or not.  As stupid as it is, if it was just my stepmother and stepsister, I probably would not have an issue, however my Stepmother's new husband is a bit odd and I am not close with him and there are apparently some extended cousins and their families visiting as well and I am concerned about becoming the center of attention, etc.  Anyone have any thoughts or suggestions?  I know I have to make the decision, but my mind just keeps circling around and one minute I think I will tell them everything while we wait for luggage at the airport and the next I think I will lay low and avoid the issue.  Maybe some outside insight would help me decide what to do and how to do it.

Thanks!

 My suggestion is to be honest with them.  It's my experience that people have a lot more critical things to say about the surgery before I had it done, but after they have more positive things to say. It's like the saying, "It's easier to ask forgiveness than permission."  This was a personal choice that you did for yourself, and as you said above, the best thing for you.  Could they be hurt that you didn't share this with them sooner, sure, but they will be more hurt if you wait even longer.  Turn it into a surprise, a happy occasion to celebrate.  You're getting healthy and feel great, show that to them.  They may even surprise you with their reaction. But if they don't and they are hurt, just be understanding and know that in time they will understand and be happy for you.  Overall, just try to enjoy your trip hunnie =)

Well...here's my two cents....

I did not tell ANY of my extended family about my surgery.  My parents, my in laws, and my brothers are the ONLY ones who know.

I use the same basic lines...that I eat 6 very small meals a day, my focus is on protein, then fruits and veggies, and carbs lastly, if at all.  I exercise frequently, I drink lots of water blah blah blah.  ALL of which is true.

I chose not to tell my family because I knew "educating" them on the topic would be like  and I just didn't have the time, energy, or patience to do so, and I refused to be surrounded by negativity coming into or directly after the surgery.  And then...as time went on...things just kind of didn't need to be said...it was one of those "well, I've gone this long....why now?"  I agree, it has NOTHING to do with being ashamed of your decision...but the understanding of your personal family dynamics.

Good luck either way!

if the only reason you did not tell them is so you did not worry them.. then tell them now.  You will feel better they will know and you can go from there.

If you did not tell them in addition because you fear their comments or that they may be unsupportive then I'd say use the .. diet, exercise is how you lost the weight.

ultimately you know your family and what they can and cannot handle but i always give people the benefit of the doubt. 

GOOD LUCK

Dawn if you don't want to tell them don't.  This is your decision.  I did not tell anyone at work except for 2 of my closest friends.  I also did not tell any family members except for my mother and brothers and sister.  My aunts, uncles, etc.  did not find out until after surgery and only when my mother asked if she could say anything.  I feel that this was a personal decision I made for myself and that the only thing people needed to know was I was eating healthier and excercising.  I hope you have a wonderful time away!

I agree with your husband.  By saying something now you OPEN yourself up to their opinions (good or bad).   So, what if its bad, what if they do feel hurt?  It's a done deal, you can't undo their hurt feelings.  They'll get over them because they can't do anything but get over them.  You are fine, you didn't die....but how will YOU feel once the cat's outta the bag?   Will it make you defensive or give you guilt to constantly answer questions from people that don't "get it"?   It will make you the "star", because that is all they'll talk about for 3 days AND they'll look forward to seeing you in November, and what if in November you are not as small as they imagine or worse, you are "too skinny" (God forbid) and they tell you so?  Then you are a disappointment.   See how this goes round and round??  It's the mental game of WLS.  You are setting yourself up for failure.  You are an adult, you made an adult decision for your health and they really have nothing to do with it.  Whether you now eat smaller portions is really none of their business.  If you were going to weigh****chers and eating smaller portions would you walk in and announce that?  Would they talk about that for 3 days?   Might just be you are looking for their approval or their notice or affirmation.  I think that's part of our mental road on this journey as we often get our self esteem from others and pleasing them.   This is YOUR journey.   I'm with Pam.  Tell them you are paying attention to your eating and exercising for your health, which is what you are doing.  Enjoy your visit.

I didn't tell my mother due to the worry, discussions, concern about lack of support, etc., etc., I was afraid to tell my mom after, but when I finally did and all was fine - if my mom could forgive me, they will forgive you - be honest - you won't feel right about it unti they know!

 Wow--what an array of responses!!  

With most people I told...I wasn't planning on telling them.  I just felt safe and comfortable...so I did.  What would happen if you waited to see how you feel at the moment?

With people I wanted to tell but didn't know how to tell, I finally ended up saying something like, "I had weight loss surgery.  I'm kind of shy about it so I didn't tell you earlier."  With some people I couldn't even mention "weight loss surgery" so I said I had "abdominal surgery to help me loose weight"....I made it clear that it was sensitive and private. I usually gave some guidelines like--"It's ok with me if you tell your husband, but I'm not sure who else I want to tell right now."  I have found people to be more supportive than I expected.  I also helped people who didn't know how to respond by saying, "This is a good thing and I'm thrilled about it!  A lot of planning and research went into this and I feel great about my decision."

That said, I didn't tell everyone.  I'm not sure what I will do in the future--I'm just a month out!!  I will be interested to hear what happens and how things work out for you.  In either case, I hope you have a great trip this time and then again in November!!  

Eileen

since you didn't tell them and you don't live near them... why bother... do what Pam said... save yourself any possible pain and suffering... and just enjoy them and have fun...

I would tell them. be honest & get it over with. I f u tell the truth u never have to remember what u said.
tell them the real reason u didnt tell them , cause u didnt want them to be worried and u wanted to see them in person so they could see the results.
I dont know what the big deal is some people dont want anyone to know about their WLS, I tell everyone because maybe I can help someone else make the decision to have WLS. that is why I had I saw other peoples sucess.
In the end it is your choice,
but when u come back please let us know ur decision and if u told them how did they except it
Susan