Question:

Should disciplinary action be taken at home for bad grades on a report card, especially if you know it is WITHIN the control of the child to do better?

Here's the deal.  Siehara currently has an "F" in gym because she is not prepared for class.  She has brought sneakers into school, but I guess when she had to put them on for class, she just wore them the rest of the day and then they end up at home.  She also has told me that even if she wears sweats to school, if she does not change into something else, she is marked down as not prepared for class. 

She also has a "C" in both Math and Reading.  She has told me on more than one occasion that Math is easy right now because they are going over things she learned last year.  So, why a "C"? It can only be because she never brings any homework home.  The same with Reading.  She never seems to have any homework even though her teacher says there is always "something" she can be doing at home. 

I would not even consider discipline for the grades (other than the F), if I knew she was trying her best and still just not getting it.  But in this situation, is discipline appropriate? And what kind?

HELP!?!??!

YES YES and YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I truly believe that there HAS to be a team between home and school.  If she is not prepared for gym, then there has to be consequences at home for that.  There has got to be a reason that she is deliberately NOT putting on her sneakers.  She has to know that the rules are the rules whether we agree with them or not.  Try asking her about some of the rules at home that she thinks are "unreasonable"  Then ask her why - then tell her why that rule is in place.  Respect that she doesn't have to AGREE with the rule - but she does have to follow it - it is the same thing at school.

Not that this matters to middle -schoolers- but remember, even in the adult world we have rules to follow whether we agree or not.  We may discuss the rules with our superiors, but bottom line, they are the rule makers and that is the way it is!

So - here is my thought - Josh came home with his first ever F this year.  Now, Josh is a gifted student who was just completely lazy - our consequences were to not have ANY technology in his room.  That meant the laptop, phone AND gaming system which had internet capabilities.  Also, he was to come home directly from school and do his homework immediately.  Short of having him have his teachers sign some sort of agenda, because he is in 10th grade and NOT in middle school, he needs to show us the work that is done in class each day.  I know it is tough, however, he IS a gifted child and laziness is NEVER an excuse.  We also felt that while he is now working a few nights per week, after school activities needed to be curtailed as well.  He was not allowed to join the volleyball team this season.  We did allow him to finish out his swim season - but that was it - no spring sport for him.  I think that was the most difficult for him.  He seems to be pulling his grades back up - and only HE can be responsible for them.  Siehara is the only one who is accountable for her grades. 

I don't know what other consequences can be made short of MAKING her wear her sneakers on gym days.  And that would be the only footwear she can have. Being unprepared for things she likes might make her understand why it is so important to be prepared for other things as well.

Good luck - they are challenging those stinking middle schoolers.......they WILL get older - I promise!

NO VOLLEYBALL?????  SERIOUSLY???? THATS BLASPHEMY!!!!!!  HEARTLESS WOMAN!

Lisa,

Here is my rule of thumb....If you bring home a "C" and tell me that is the best you can do then I will accept that, but if you bring a "C" home and you tell me that you are not doing your best then I will have to bring some type of punishment until the grades improve. My mom used to take away things that I enjoyed doing, which I know you have already done because of the texting issue. Does she have an upcoming event that she is looking forward to? A birthday? Maybe that could be an option to take away. One year I didn't do anything for Dee's birthday because of her doing some damage to my brand new flat screen tv in our bedroom and had no reason for doing it! I got criticized by many of my friends, but there had to be some major consequence!! I did get my point across and Dee STILL remembers that!!

You need to make sure that Siehara understands that school is important and that you want her to succeed. Is there anything going on at school that might be getting in the way of her doing better? I was also a child who hated gym class, and did everything possible to get out of it!! When I was in 9th grade, I HATED my gym teacher and didn't want to do anything, she offered make up gym to earn points toward my grade, but I refused! When I got my report card and had all A's and B's and one D in gym, my mom was not too happy! I told her that the teacher didn't like me. She went to school and found out the "truth" from the teacher. My mom came home and told me that there was nothing she could do and my punishment would be that I did not make honor roll because of it!! Still remember that too!!!!

Maybe you should ask her teachers to email you daily assignments. Being a parent is THE hardest job EVER!!!! I give you kudos for doing this by yourself. I would keep a much closer eye on her homework and such!

Love and hugs!!!
Beth

Hi all

I am not a mom or a teacher but I was a student who struggled in school.

* Any of you who know me, know I am not dumb by any stretch. Which is why my parents and teachers would get mad and me and say I was capable of better, I would also get called lazy.
I may have been a little lazy yes, but I also had NO IDEA how to do well in school. No studying skills, learning disability in math, self esteem issues from always being behind or not getting good grades, so at some point I did give up.

* I hated gym, I was not athletic, I was ashamed of by body, I swear to you I would have knocked down my grandma if it would have gotten me out of the class!  It became an art form, of finding ways to not have to dress out or participate.

* I knew I was capable of better but did not know how to get there. My mom and dad tried to help me with home work and it woud turn into a power struggle, always a negative experience.

* I had just about everything happen to me because of my grades, things taken away, spankings, you name it. It did not change my grades. I could not keep the momentum up long enough to see change in my grades. I did not have the skills to do so.

* What would have benefited me more, is for my parents to find out more about me and what was going on with me.  Having an ongoing dialogue with my teachers rather than waiting to " kill me" when the report card came. Finally, getting me some help to learn the skills i needed.

I hope this will help you get some perspective.  I did not do well in school no one expected me to go to college much less graduate. It can change with the right interventions

 Thanks for your insight Nicole.  You are DEFINITELY not dumb by any stretch.

Siehara has taken study skills classes and I am in regular communication with her teachers.  I still don't know how to get it through to her how important it is for her to try her best.  Like I said, if it was that she was trying her best I would not even consider discipline.  I KNOW she is not trying her best in those 2 classes--excluding gym--I'm sure that is because of self esteem and lack of athleticism, but it doesn't mean she shouldn't be prepared. 

Her other grades are great... A's and maybe a B here and there.  

Nicole,
You just described my experiences in school.  Are you my younger twin?

Trish

I'd suggest setting up weekly progress reports with her teachers so you know each Friday whether the work is in, she's dressing for gym, and how she has done on any quizzes or tests. Often at middle schools, guidance counselors set these up for a number of kids.

Siehara may view it as punishment, but it's really just communication. If the progress report shows all work is in and things are looking good - she can have a "normal" weekend. If not? Well, have at it mom!

It may be best to set up an appointment with her counselor to see how the school likes to handle these things - it could all be handled online if they have an online grading program with a parent portal. You can check every day if they have that!

 There is a parent portal and I have gone on it.  What can I do when she just plain "forgets it" at school?  She can't show me what she's done.  I'm not sure what other consequences I can give her right now since she is already banned to her room.  

Well, not sure if it fits the scheudle, but with Bryce he knew that we would go back to school and GET the "forgotten" things. Or that he had best bring everything home every day, just to be "safe." You will probably need to be in the mode of checking ALL homework in ALL subjects EVERY day for the marking period. You know, the love and logic stuff. Have her sit with you as you check the online grades daily.

Does the school use agendas? The whole point of these in middle school is to teach kids to remove "I forgot" from their vocabulary.

Spring doesn't get easier ,by the way.

And this is probably a good point to consider what happens when discipline for various issues mounts up. Loss of privileges, added chores, etc. - it all works until the limits are tested. And of course, you have to choose discipline that doesn't punish YOU as much or more than it punishes HER. If things add up too much, you may be backed into a corner and have to renig on something.

Once Bryce was suspended from school and he had to do all his assigned work, plus an EXTENSIVE chore list. Knowing he would probably finish the chores by doing a half assed job, I told him that if he finished, he would then have to start again and re-do everything he had done over and over until bedtime. I also told him he was VERY lucky that he did not have to scrub the garage floor with his toothbrush. HIs dad was NOT the discipliarian, I was. And he was a testing kid.

That said (and no, it was not my proudest parenting moment), you may want to also consider a rewards system for (1) getting everything in and (2) getting the grades up. Add (3) No negative teacher calls to the list to give her a decent head start. Maybe take this a week at a time and see if the positive approach helps more than the punishment approach when it comes to that "pesky" forgetfulness.

 I have younger ones. My oldest is in 4th grade. He is in the gifted program as well and a lazy butt . BUt he knows if he brings a bad grade home its not gonna be pretty. His teacher last yr told him that his grade a C was ok its passing when he asked for extra work to get it up. He told her not if you live in my house it isnt. She actually wrote me a letter and said I was too hard on my kids...umm NO I expect what I know they can do and nothing less. 


How about instead of punishing her when she forgets or gets a bad grade you reward her when she does what is needed...Like a trip to the mall or movies or once she has a month worth of gym days in she can get her nails done or a pedi?  I found with mine no amount of punishment worked but rewarding them for good behavior worked miracles.

How about volunteer work for a certain amount of hours? 
Instead of taking something away? Give something back?
Let her see that her time will be spent wisely either in study, homework, or helping others but not on the phone tv computer etc

First of all im not a Teacher, Mother or even a woman but I want to add something here.  I couldnt agree more with Nicole.  While punshment in the form of taking things away does have its value, requiring her to do something has better long term outcomes.  If she is struggling with responsibility in school then give her tasks at home or in the community that will require responsibility.  Doing something is always better than not doing something.  All we learn form having things taken away is that we want those things back...but if we are being proactive and doing something the possibilities of what we can learn are limitless. For the parent, it is harder to do than simply taking something away but the payoff is worth it.

I also think it is a self esteem issue with gym class. 

If she forgets something at school...take her butt back to school to get it.  She didnt forget it she left it there on purpose.  If you call her bluff a few times she will learn that that tactic wont work anymore.

Swede

 First, let me apologize for putting MOMS instead of PARENTS..  I know there are a FEW men on here.. 

Thanks everyone for their thoughts on this.  I also happened to get an unrelated phone call from a woman from synagogue this morning who is a parenting coach and social worker who deals with kids with special needs.  Great timing or what?!   SO, since I was on the phone with her, I asked her opinion.  

She agrees with the positive reinforcement.  She told me to give her a goal to work toward instead of taking things away.  For example, if she brings home her work 13 out of 15 days (for example), that we can do something together that she wants to do.  She said not to expect perfection, but to aim high.  

I think what I will do is go with the 13/15 days of bringing work home AND remembering her gym clothes/shoes for 3/4 gym classes in the next 3 weeks, we will go get our nails done together.  She has been bugging me for a long time to take her for her nails and I have not given in.  So, I know this is something she will want to work toward. 

While I do agree with the reinforcement thing - and can I come with you to get my nails done to - you know how much I HATE HATE HATE when Swede is right - just saying! :)

(Ps - GREAT plan!)