Ever lost a friend after your weight loss???

Michelle, I feel for ya. I too have had relationships really really change due to the surgery. One good friend used to practically live here, call me on the phone all the time. After the surgery it all stopped. She is SMO also and I know for her to watch me go down probably has been hard. It is also hard to contain my joy in how I feel. We see each other usually once a week though. As time is going on we are starting to come back together. I have told her how much I miss her. That I am the same person..but I am more active and healthier..but essentially I am still the same person. I think she is seeing that now.  She is having a health issue now and is inspired to start walking and has asked me to make her start walking for health. I am hoping that might pull us closer. I honestly see this walking program only working shortly for her...cause I know how she is and she will give it up a week or two after we start. We haven't started yet as it is still cold and snowy here.  But I did feel totally betrayed by her attitude early out. When we do this surgery...we are changing our roles. Our friends may have picked to be friends with us because maybe we made them feel better about themselves...ie...I was heavier than this girlfriend. Now I am lighter and I think she feels threatened and we are not in the same roles. I don't know. It is frustrating though.  I am sorry your going thru this. Alot of us have for sure!!! Hugs to you dear Michelle--for me I don't know what I would do without the support of this board. It is my only group I can go too as we don't have WLS groups here.  Cathy

I'd imagine she said all of the things to this other friend that she would say to you, if she only had the fortitude to do so.  I, too, have had girlfriend relationships change...some for the better, others for the worse.  My best friend has openly admitted that she is jealous of my weight loss, even though she is still a lower BMI than I am, but she's always been dysmorphic and suffered from eating disorders in the past.  But I do think she's always seen herself as 'the skinny one' and as I inch closer toward that role she becomes more insecure.  At least she has the insight to admit it and talk about it. 

It's life changing for US so I guess it's to be expected that it would affect those around us as well.  We would hope for the better, but we can't control what others think or feel, only how we react to it.  I hope after a cooling off period you two can have a frank discussion and possibly even strengthen your relationship, maybe as more equals/grown ups?  Good luck!

Michelle, My heart goes out to you!    You two have been through thick and thin (no pun intended LOL) together.  She is basically your sister and always will be.  I agree with most, wait ,think, and then act.  I have a friend that is like a sister to me and we took a 2 year "break" while she dated a jerk.  Well, jerk left and within 2 hours I was there for her!!!!  Today we are just as close as ever and agree to disagree on a lot of things!!  This is great.  I am sure that the 2 of you are just the same.  It will all work out.  It may be uncomfortable for a bit while you talk about things and she learns to deal with your looks, but it should be a lot better in weeks to come. Friends like this are hard to come by. But nothing is perfect. Be strong and lean on us anytime!!!!

I'm so sorry you're seeing this side of your friend.  But you're right, thinner people will never get it.  They don't understand that our losing 150 lbs or more is nothing like their dropping that extra 5 lbs they gained over the holidays. For them it's just having a salad for lunch every day for a couple weeks, and they're all better.  For us, it's salad THREE times a day, every day for LIFE, not just until we lose, but just to maintain a healthy weight.  We do not process fats and calories the way she does, but she won't understand that. Anyway, keep in mind that she may have actually spoken out of concern for you.  Misplaced, yes, but she may be worrying because she sees you eating so little, and she knows that would not be healthy for her.  Again, she doesn't get that we process fats and calories differently, and that for us, eating very little is the only way to get to a healthy weight.  For you, the surgery was the way to bring your calorie intake into line with your metabolism.  The fact that she never shared these concerns with you may have been her way of supporting you, by not being negative about your decision.  Hold off on your decision about her until you've had time to get some distance, then talk to her and see if she sees the conversation she had with your mutual friend any differently.  She may apologize, too, when she sees how this affected you.  Long-term friends are hard to find, so don't give this one up until you're sure she's not on your side. And yes, I have lost friends when I lost a lot of weight.  It happened in college, and for some reason my stepsister, who was a buddy up until then, suddenly couldn't stand me.  Even tho I've regained, she's never treated me the same way.  I don't know what happened, and I'm sure some part of it was me- I changed a lot as I began to see myself getting thin and pretty, and I may have been a little prissy.  But her long-term crappy attitude makes me avoid her now. L

Everyone has already said it... but... she really doesn't understand and it's from that place of ignorance that she speaks. Actually, I'm surprised at her lack of WLS knowledge given the fact you guys are so close!  It makes me wonder, however, at my best friend. She doesn't say anything negative but we don't really talk about it cuz she's a "skinny" too.  I wonder if she harbors some of the same. Hmm. Anyhow... take your deep breaths, know that you did what's best for you, know that you guys have been friends for so long, and know that if she's the friend you think she is, your talk with her will help heal this hurt.

Hang in there Michelle, When I told my (thin) friend I had surgery she said, "oh my God your going to be so HOT!" That was the perfect thing to say!  She has backed that up with nothing but support. I'm very thankful. But in the past I've had to say good-bye to 2 different long time friends....we grew apart and I had to move on for my own sanity....So IMHO i would sit down with your friend and say whatever you feel you need to say to her (for you, being open and honest) don't hold back...be kind but say it ALL.  Then see and HEAR what comes back at you. This will tell you everything. All will be well OR you may "see" your friend for the first time. I hope it goes smoothly and your friendship stays just that a friendship you can grow old with. good luck. We're always here for you....

Everyone has said mostly the same thing, but I just want to put my two cents worth.  I have had the one friend I told that has never been heavy ask my why I was doing this.  Wasn't I happy the way I was and didn't I realize the danger with surgery.  I answered her with "you don't know how it feels to not fit into a booth, airplane seat, amusement park ride.  You don't know how it feels to have people look at you and judge you on your size instead of your intelect.  I am doing this to feel normal for the first time in my life."  After I explained it to her that way, we had a very long talk, some tears and now she understands why this is so important to me.  You really need to talk to your friend, it is the only way you will ever get past this Bernice

I agree with you -some people will just never get it. This is another reason I think obesity and weight is such a touchy subject, because there are quite a few people that can't see the other perspective. I know when I met for my psych consult, she told me how mature I seemed and that many overweight people showed this maturity just because they have to think about things differently and are better at seeing different perspectives on life. I think it was a hurtful thing for her to say, especially when it was in the form of almost gossiping about your decision and progress (which I guess she doesn't see as progress.) Friends support each other, and it was inappropriate for her to say things like that -especially after the fact that you've had the surgery and seem to be doing great! If I were in your shoes, I would confront the issue. I don't know if you're that type of person, but I know I would just want her to know her behavior was not that of a true friend. Nia

My issue is that I would like to encourage my seriously overweight to do WLS as well. Sleep apnue, migraines, joint pains, tired, depression.... she has it all. But I know this is my choice not hers and it stops me from really honestly discussing my progress. It does affect my friendship. Hope it will level out as I am more secure in beleiving this weight lost will never be back and more and more people will be somewhat heavier then me and it is my choice to be on a healthy weight....I still feel very obese and I look in wonder at my pants' size and am shocked when do they fit ME???!!! No wonder my friends need to get used to the new me, so do I....