Thoroughly Annoyed.. and a question.

Here comes my first rant....

So, my brother and father were away on vacation for the past week. They are getting home tonight. Well, while they were away, they enjoyed food, desserts, whatever. My brother turned 18 on Thursday, a rather large milestone.. I celebrated mine in a big way and he wants to do the same - fine. My parents decided that they are going to throw him a party...tomorrow.. along with all of his favorite foods (many of which happen to be mine) and not to mention red velvet cake.. that is probably my biggest weakness of all. I politely told my mother that I would not be attending this little get together, and she got pissed off at me. I told her that I refused to put myself in a situation where all of my favorite things are there, and I can't have them... thats why I didn't go on vacation with them in the first place..She snapped at me... what should I do?? Suck it up and stay here and be miserable, or go out, do something and be less miserable? No one seems to understand my internal struggle with this food.. its just so frustrating, I really could cry right about now. I know I probably sound like a big baby, but being 3 weeks out, this isn't my ideal situation.

 Think about how much time/money/energy/discipline/hard work you've put in to get where you are right now... not something to take lightly!  You are the only one who can know what your limits are.  You're the only one who will stand up for YOU and somebody needs to!  You've invested too much to take a backward step now, especially when the situation is within your control.  It's unfortunate that those around us may not understand exactly how big of a deal these things can be, but regardless, I think you are being the best friend you can be to yourself by setting and keeping boundaries that are there to make you successful.  We can try to explain that it's not about them, and whether we participate or not, we still ove them, but at the end of the day, you are the one left with the consequences of your choices.  Be strong!

You are going to have to learn to deal with these situations.  Life happens.  Are you going to avoid family gatherings forever?  This is all a part of the process.  Concentrate on the friends and family.  Get up and dance and burn the calories.

You will be fine.

(at three weeks out you couldn't eat any of it anyway.  I barely got my shakes down)

On July 30, 2011 at 9:56 AM Pacific Time, Rosebud2 wrote: You are going to have to learn to deal with these situations.  Life happens.  Are you going to avoid family gatherings forever?  This is all a part of the process.  Concentrate on the friends and family.  Get up and dance and burn the calories.

You will be fine.

(at three weeks out you couldn't eat any of it anyway.  I barely got my shakes down) It has nothing to do with avoiding family functions for ever. It has to do with the fact that I am on a mushy/soft diet, and my family comes together to EAT... I don't mean eat.. I mean really EAT...and I am not in the place.. 3 weeks out of surgey, that I can be around that - thats what got me in the situation where I need surgery anyway.


I don't know, maybe I just need to grow up and deal with it.

I agree you will have to get use to these types of situations, i don't think things you will be able to eat these things anyway, but if you have to, then have a taste, a really small one, I find that if I have a spoonful or bite I am fine at these types of gatherings. Go, family is important and this is a once in a lifetime event for your brother.

Unfortunately, I agree. with Rosebud. You will be skinny and isolated if you continue this way. You can not avoid great food for the rest of your life. I personally have had the same difficulties and have tasted my favorite foods like ice cream primarily, but just didn't swallow. That way it relieved me of my craving and kept the majority of the calories off my bum...lol

You really have ot figure out what is best for you.

I have noticed to since my sleeve, that 99% of friend and family gatherings  somehow  involve foods, drinks, and more food. People, like me, who are addicted to food, have to find a better way to socialize witht he ones we love. I went to a restaurant last night with a friend and just ordered a cup of soup. His reaction was as if I murdered someone. However, I advised him to focus on his food and let me do me. I had to tell the waitress to back off also. The conversation was great and I still had a great time.

It's hard, but far worth the effort.

Good luck!

This is terrific advice!

I would encourage you to reframe how you're looking at food.  You look at it as "your favorite things."  I think you'll find it much easier to cope if you reframe those items as emotionless, physical objects that you can't reach.  Instead, they aren't your favorite things anymore, because you can't have them.  Doesn't make sense to have a favorite food you can't eat, so stop calling it your favorite.  Red velvet cake is now much more like newspaper; you can, but shouldn't eat either of them.  It's time to release your love of unhealthy foods and stop letting them influence your ability to interact with other humans.

You left out an option - attend the party and not be miserable.  Your focus on this party is the food you like.  The real focus of this party is your brother hitting a milestone birthday.  So, attend the party with due diligence upon the real focus.  It's about people, not food, and you have to enter these social situations as opportunities for human interactions, not snacking opportunities.

Be realistic; are you going to avoid _everything_ that has challenging food present?  Going to stop going to every birthday, anniversary, wedding ceremony, workplace event, friend's party, etc., etc., etc., because one of your old favorite foods are present?  You also send a second message to people when you refuse to attend these milestones, but expect them to attend yours:  "I'm more imporant than you.  My needs are more important than yours."  That's what people infer from these actions.

Food was, is, and is going to be a persisent, constant challenge in our society.  You cannot hide from it.  Process and process your relationship with food until you stop seeing it with that much tempation.  It is not that you shouldn't eat red velvet cake, but you want to, so it's hard for you!  No, it's that you cannot eat red velvet cake, so now, it's easy to not care about it.  It's off the table.  Not an option.  It's easy to say "no" to something that's absurb and not an option.  You just had surgery, pain, money, time, a dedication to a new life, it's not like you're actually going to your brother's 18th birthday party to stuff your face with cake and make yourself throw up in front of the family.  No, you just avoid it.  You eat your protein first, don't look at it, don't think about, put your attention on the family, and say "no thank you".

You can't avoid bad food; you have to beat it.  So I say, suck it up, stay there, be not-miserable and enjoy family time, enjoy the fact that it's your brother's big day, and when it's all over... feel happy, estatic, and smug that you stuck to your diet, because you knew you could all along!  And it wasn't that hard!  Good luck.

So, here is my take.  This is a conversation for you and your brother.  Talk to him, tell him how you feel.  Plan something fun for just the two of you that doesn't involve food and see if he is up for that.  I'm not going to judge your mother, but I will say that she probably just doesn't understand.  So to her you are being selfish.  My biggest saying in life is that if we are going to complain that something isn't working for us, then we should have an idea of how to make it better before complaining.  This party that will be full of food, isn't going to work for you.  So, you need to come up with a plan.  A really good plan that your brother will still feel special.  Maybe doing his favorite activity, atv riding or movies, paintballing, any number of activities may spark his attention.  Best of luck and don't put yourself in a position to suck anything up and be miserable at someone else's expense!!  Instead embrace it and find a way to overcome it!

I don't want them to think that I don't love them, or that I think that his birthday is any less special than anyone elses, if anything - he knows and understands my struggle more than anyone else in my house... I'm not trying to be selfish, but mentally, I just do not think I am comfortable or ready to be around for tomorrow's get together.