Well, it happened. Lost a friend because I lost wt and she's still MO!

I've read over the past year this kind of thing happens.  You know it could be you were the "fat" one in your group of friends.  Or all your friends were MO (morbidly obese) too.  You decide to risk your life and have wt loss surgery.  Pay out over $2000.  Endure the first month (at least) of hell d/t the new and sometimes downright disgusting (remember pureed food?  Yuck!) food phases.  Work out like a mad women.....Ok, I'll get on with why I wrote this post.....

One of my dear friends of 13 years can no longer stand to be around me.  Really?  She won't talk to me on the phone and refuses to visit my house now because I've lost nearly 100 pounds and she's still MO.  Wow, just wow.  And I quote, "I deserve this too.  Why not me?"  My first thought is "well, it's not magic and it sure as hell wasn't free or easy!"  Of course I did NOT say that.  I actually told her I was sorry.  WTH for you ask? 

Those who have experienced this can relate I'm sure.  How did you handle this situation?  Thoughts anyone?

Hugs......Jennifer

It does suck, and I have no solution other than to let them walk away. As much as you want to salvage the relationship/friendship, it's not going to happen until they stop making your success their failure.

It's their issue; don't make it yours. When she is ready, and able, she'll come to you. And, the most difficult aspect is realizing that the friendship is very one-sided. I just went through this with a friend. We haven't really spoken or been close in over a year. She's had surgery, and now my phone blows if she farts sideways. IMAGINE that. . . I'm only a friend when she needs me.

It hurts, but it is what it is.

Thanks for the response, Tiff.  My husband had the exact same reaction.  And you used my favorite line, "it is what it is."  LOVE IT!
~Jennifer

I am worried about this but then again not so worried because I live a few hours from my best friends and only get to see them every year or so when I travel home. They did question me on why I did this (VSG)to myself. They also know over the past 20 yrs all of us were up and down in our weight and we were always very supportive of each other whenever we would go and lose weight. Anyways, I hope it doesn't change our friendship but it could but I think I will still be the good old shy one in the group, none of us were very outspoken growing up and none of us were over weight growing up either.

Hopefully your friend comes around and asks for your help to get this surgery done as well. Maybe she doesn't have the money or the insurance? Could be jealousy or maybe she is not use to the new you and your self esteem.

Hi Jackie.  My friend has not even called her insurance company for goodness sake!  I have encouraged her to do so many times.  Hope all goes well with you on your journey!  ~Jennifer

It's not easy to deal with this situation. I was surprised to find out that not all my friends were happy about my weight loss. One kept telling everyone I would gain it all back. It's been more than 2 years now and I haven't gained back any of my excess weight. My obnoxious friend however has put on a ton of weight.

The most you can do is let your friend know you're there for her and that you'll help her if she ever decides to have WLS. The issues your friend has with your weight loss are her issues.

Good luck,
George

Thanks for the reply, George.  I know in my heart it's "her problem" but I feel so bad for her!  I've always been the type who couldn't walk away from a situation.  I always feel the need to find a solution.  I will be there for her (even though her reaction truly ****** me off!).  Fortunately, ALL my other friends/family have been super supportive.  Even the ones who are in need of wt loss too. 

Get healthy then lose a friend....crazy!!  ~Jennifer

I'm sorry you've had to experience that.  Did she actually tell you that your weight loss was the reason she didn't want to be friends anymore?

I haven't gone through this, as I have not lost that much weight yet, but I read something on the main boards that did make me think.  People over there pointed out that sometimes when we lose so much weight, it is hard not to talk about it all the time - how we are eating (or not eating), working out, new clothes we are fitting into, things we can do now, etc etc.  And that can be very hard for someone who is still MO to hear all the time.  Do you think that might be what your friend was referring to?

Maybe she'll come around.  If she is someone important to you, perhaps you could ask what you could do differently to make it easier for her - just to see if there is something in your behavior that is hurting her?

I think if you reach out to her, and there is still nothing you can do to salvage things, then just give it time.  Distance could remind her why your friendship is important, or it will let you see that you can get along just fine without her (and maybe both!)

Thanks for the reply, sunnymicki.  The first few months after VSG I called the world when I lost a pound or a pant size!  But, after that I made the very conscious decision to keep any wt loss to MYSELF unless asked.  I did that for the very reason you mention.  My mom, MIL, SIL, and numerous friends struggle with needing to lose wt.  In NO WAY did I want them to feel bad or as if I were "gloating."  KWIM?

Yes, she is so insanely jealous of my wt loss she cannot even stand to be around me!  Hard to imagine from a friend of 13 years, huh?

I will be sensitive to her needs however, I will NOT apologize for losing wt and saving my health!  (Not that I'm saying that's what you thought I should do)  ~Jennifer

I hope that some day (soon) she can move past her jealously and repair your friendship.  But if not, as others have said, it is her issue not yours.  You definitely don't need to apologize to her for your weight loss.  It sounds like your surgery and weight loss is stirring up all kinds of emotions in her that she cannot deal with, especially since she acknowledged that it *could* be her, but hasn't even called her insurance company.