Thoughts on telling people

 Just looking for some advice on telling people or not...

At this time I do not plan on telling a soul, other then the husband.  Even with my kids I am planning on saying that I am at a conference for work.  It's not that I care if they know, I just don't think they would keep it to themselves.  

My other concern is at work.  My boss already thinks that I am dying from cancer  (had a bout with skin cancer, no big deal) and it has impacted his views of my performance.  To put it bluntly, he is very sexist and if you don't do exactly what he says he manufactures reasons why you are not doing it... one coworker has "mental health issues" after stopping him from using our records time for staff meetings.  In my case, I was routinely working over 80 hours a week and dropped a bit of the extra curricular to make it more reasonable- he gives me a hard time about it regularly and it quite certain it is because of cancer.  It's not, I just think it is unreasonable to work 80 hours and still not be able to keep up.  Anyway, to make a long story short I feel pretty certain it will be held against me.  

I also don't want to have to constantly explain, defend, or other such nonsense.  This is a personal choice to me and not for others to diagnose or comment on.  When I was first diagnosed with cancer and a bit freaked out I found it a little overwhelming to have everybody tell me about a friend, cousin, etc and demand constant updates, so lesson learned.  

My question is though- is this a reasonable approach?  Is it possible to go through this surgery without it being obvious?  Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.  

My appointment with the sugeon is coming up in a few days and I expect that the sugery date will be within the month, and hopefully before Xmas to allow for recovery time over the holiday break.  I need to sort this out before then.

I am going on " vacation" with my bestie to California ( San Diego ) . Good luck and keep us posted about your surgery

I think this is a personal choice for each of us.  I work two full time jobs.  At my first job I don't like the people I work with for various reasons and even have similar problems with my boss as you do.  I filled out FMLA paperwork with a vague description and left it at that.  I told them I was having abdominal surgery and said nothing more.  I was eating healthy and losing weight before surgery so things aren't so much a shocker right now.  I did however plant a seed...hehehe...I told the gossip queen in confidence that I just had my gallbladder out, but I didn't think it was anyone's business.  I'm sure she will spread that.  As for my second job, I love them and told all of them.  They are super supportive.  There are a few people at my first job who know, they are close friends of mine.  I do think it's important for someone to know in case you have some type of emergency.  Either way, this is your health and your personal decision.  Therefore, it's no one else's business. 

 Prior to my surgery only my children and husband knew what I was doing.  My boss was only informed that I would be off for surgery, of a personal nature about my private health that I did not want to share.  Everyone  I worked with, while I was off thought I had a hysterectomy.  When I returned, general questions about how I was feeling.  When the weight starting melting off there were many questions about why are you eating so little and and maybe you should be checked for diabetes with the amount of water you drink, lastly what kind of diet are you on?  

Then I decided not to lie.  I now answer first questions with "I did what I needed to do for myself to be healthy". If they continue to prod I reply, "would you continue to prod me if I were to tell you I had cancer?  Then my weight loss would be ok with you? ".  I always end by being truthful and honest,  I had VSG,  this is the tool I chose and now I need to monitor everything I eat and log my activity.  It is not a bypass and my dystany lies in my hands.  I have to do the work.  I never leave the conservation without educating them on the surgery.  I update them with information that this surgery does not fix, desires, head hungry, urges or self control.  That depend on me!

I have only had one negative comment from a co-worker who simple said, "well you did not need to got that far". To which I replyed I DID WHAT NEEDED for me, not YOU!

 Thank you for your thoughts.  I am wondering if down the road I may share also, but I dunno... I am just not interested in dealing with drama.  I absolutely abhor the idea of lieing though!

A couple thoughts...

It sounds like your boss is doing things that are unethical or immoral about how he manages his employees.  Not sure how big your company is, but I wonder if HR would be interested in knowing about his "tactics."  Or, maybe it's time for a change.  I know I wouldn't like being treated like that.  I got mad at your boss just reading this.  OK, end of my rant, moving on.

I only told my hubby about my surgery.  Work and my family and my friends know I had a medical procedure but I left out the details and played it off as hernia surgery only.  I didn't need anyone giving me their advice and judgement.  So far, so good.  I'm sure, with my rapid weight loss, some of them have figured it out.  But it's my medical decision and my business, not theirs.  

That being said, your rapid weight loss post-op will bring on questions, comments and looks of concern.  So be ready for that and you'll be fine.

Good luck!

 Hr is not an option.  i work in a small town and he is part of the community.  There are also NO jobs in the state of Michigan, especially for teachers.  He is not a bad guy overall, I just have to be careful in this area. 

I told my close friends and family, but immediately before surgery. I didn't want too many opinions to deal with. I am otherwise not very open about surgery so far. I have *not* told my colleagues and clients, especially those I am not personally friends with. You absolutely do not have to tell your boss.

Everyone will notice that you're losing weight. And, people you eat with will notice you're not eating very much. I eat a lot less than when I lost weight before surgery. These are two things that can't be "hidden."

You will also probably lose weight faster than if you hadn't had surgery, but my experience has been that people who see you every day don't notice as much as people who only see you every few months.

However, if your boss thinks you're dying of cancer, rapid weight loss may spur his interest. You might have to have a backup plan for explaining that it is planned and unrelated to cancer. Like, you're participating in a medically supervised weight-loss program.

 I agree that some (many) people may attribute it to cancer, and that completely sucks.  I don't want for one second to represent myself in this way, but I also don't want to share.  You bring up a good point about how I am going to explain the weight loss though.  It would be just my luck that I lose hair due to malnutrition and then everybody will think I am dying for sure.  Do you think if i just say i am watching what I am eating and exercising that will be enough?  I don't eat with them for many "full" meals and already routinely sit in the lunch room with just a drink or something, so i don't think that will set off any alarms.

 I told a small handful of close friends (both outside and inside of work).  I know there have been a couple of slips and I figure by now most everyone I work with knows.  For the most part I really don't mind as I work with a great bunch of people but I just really don't want to hear any crap from our Divison Director.  He is pretty judgemental and an all around jack-hole. LOL   My boss, who I adore, seemed giddy about the prospect of keeping the Director in the dark.  He said if he is pressed for info he will tell him that it is a private medical matter and my wishes are I don't want the details divulged.   If the Director feels he needs more details then he is free to consult with the personnel office in Atlanta.  LOL  Since I work for the State government, I can tell you the Director won't get anywhere going that route. 

I really don't mind if people know, I just don't want to talk about it all of the time,  I just want to be normal, yanno?