OT... How soon is TOO soon for a boy friend to move in???
Hello all!!!
This past year has been a heck of a roller coaster for me with a LOT of personal growth... I have lost a lot of weight, gotten divorced, and re entered the dating scene... with mixed results, though no terrible experiences. I've had one serious relationship and one that was on it's way when I decided to pull the plug and plenty of other dates/fledging relationships etc... basically I feel like I got a prety good understanding of myself, what I want and need, and tested my wings so to speak... my mom and sister were always telling me how proud they were of me for breaking up with people (it was always me so far...) when I didn't feel it was right... Lord knows I stayed with my ex husband for ALL of the wrong reasons... not the least of which was confidene issues...
Currently I have met the MOST amazing man... we've only known each other for a little over 2 months but we have both fallen fast. He is AMAZING with my daughter (she is 4 and has special needs) and she is head over heals in love with him too. I have met most of his friends and family and he mine and we spend a lot of time together... he is usually at my house 2-4 nights a week depending on schedules...
He is SUPER supportive of my WLS and really motivated to work on his own health, and very into exercise... I could go on and on about all of the wonderful, but I'll get to the nitty gritty :-)
He has been passively looking for a new place with plans to get more aggressive in the Spring since well before we met... he rents from a friends uncle, a house share kind of thing, because the guy needed help making the mortgage... he's been there about a year and a half and he hates it.
We've been talking about having him move in next month... like midway through because I am a teacher and will be on vacation and it will be easier to get all of the stuff done and get all settled in... (plus he pays his current rent weekly so there isn't a lease, just doing the right thing and giving notice) He isn't pushing it AT ALL... he wants me to be comfortable and he is fine with getting his own place again or just sucking it up and staying put where he is for a few more months to see how I feel... I make more money than him and can cover all of my own bills, but as a single mom who doesn't get child support I won't lie, his contribution would help... plus he's there ANYWAY... he already helps out whenever he's around...
IF I wasn't a mom it would be a no brainer for me... if he was willing to take the risk (that if things didn't work he'd have to hit the road) then I'd let him move in tomorrow if he wanted to... I REALLY See this going long term...
My hesitation is my daughter... I'm SO scared of her having another man in her life and then loosing him again. But I also feel like I can't live in fear... and he is SO amazing with her...
My only other concern, that I have shared with him, is that I worry that he is such a great responsible guy that if he does move in he won't leave (unless I tell him too) even if he isn't happy... he wouldn't want to hurt my daughter or me...
I have NEVER felt like this about someone before... its so much more than infatuation... we have such similar beliefs and goals, we have amazing communication... it just feels silly to put off what feels like the inevitable....
My friends and family are split... no one says no, some say hold off a few more months, many say go for it....
I need more objective opinions... PLEASE!!!
This past year has been a heck of a roller coaster for me with a LOT of personal growth... I have lost a lot of weight, gotten divorced, and re entered the dating scene... with mixed results, though no terrible experiences. I've had one serious relationship and one that was on it's way when I decided to pull the plug and plenty of other dates/fledging relationships etc... basically I feel like I got a prety good understanding of myself, what I want and need, and tested my wings so to speak... my mom and sister were always telling me how proud they were of me for breaking up with people (it was always me so far...) when I didn't feel it was right... Lord knows I stayed with my ex husband for ALL of the wrong reasons... not the least of which was confidene issues...
Currently I have met the MOST amazing man... we've only known each other for a little over 2 months but we have both fallen fast. He is AMAZING with my daughter (she is 4 and has special needs) and she is head over heals in love with him too. I have met most of his friends and family and he mine and we spend a lot of time together... he is usually at my house 2-4 nights a week depending on schedules...
He is SUPER supportive of my WLS and really motivated to work on his own health, and very into exercise... I could go on and on about all of the wonderful, but I'll get to the nitty gritty :-)
He has been passively looking for a new place with plans to get more aggressive in the Spring since well before we met... he rents from a friends uncle, a house share kind of thing, because the guy needed help making the mortgage... he's been there about a year and a half and he hates it.
We've been talking about having him move in next month... like midway through because I am a teacher and will be on vacation and it will be easier to get all of the stuff done and get all settled in... (plus he pays his current rent weekly so there isn't a lease, just doing the right thing and giving notice) He isn't pushing it AT ALL... he wants me to be comfortable and he is fine with getting his own place again or just sucking it up and staying put where he is for a few more months to see how I feel... I make more money than him and can cover all of my own bills, but as a single mom who doesn't get child support I won't lie, his contribution would help... plus he's there ANYWAY... he already helps out whenever he's around...
IF I wasn't a mom it would be a no brainer for me... if he was willing to take the risk (that if things didn't work he'd have to hit the road) then I'd let him move in tomorrow if he wanted to... I REALLY See this going long term...
My hesitation is my daughter... I'm SO scared of her having another man in her life and then loosing him again. But I also feel like I can't live in fear... and he is SO amazing with her...
My only other concern, that I have shared with him, is that I worry that he is such a great responsible guy that if he does move in he won't leave (unless I tell him too) even if he isn't happy... he wouldn't want to hurt my daughter or me...
I have NEVER felt like this about someone before... its so much more than infatuation... we have such similar beliefs and goals, we have amazing communication... it just feels silly to put off what feels like the inevitable....
My friends and family are split... no one says no, some say hold off a few more months, many say go for it....
I need more objective opinions... PLEASE!!!
I don't know that you can say when's the right time. I met my boyfriend and couldn't be without him from day one. I've spent a max of 5 days away from him in two years. Mom knows...use your gut...also I think your daughter will let you know if she doesn't like him. If she loves him too that's a good sign. lol I also trust animals a lot my cat mostly...my cat almost mauled a guy I brought over one time. I was like yea something is wrong with this guy. Maybe you can ease in to it...like weekend first and than go from there. If you have even a little doubt I think that's your intuition telling you you aren't ready.
HW: 351 Pre-op: 272 Current: 140.7 Goal:160 M1:14 M2:14 M3:11 M4:10 M5:10 M6:12 M7:8 M8:6 M9: 6 M10:7 M11: 6 M12: 4 M13: 5 M14:7 M15: 4 M16: 3 M17: 1 M18: 4
"Glory lies in the attempt to reach one's goal and not in reaching it." - Gandhi
each situation is unique and only you can decide. my question is: why ru**** if you feel like this could be your "forever"? out of convenience? to your point, if it doesn't work out your daughter could be crushed.
I moved in with my now-husband after 6 months of dating (out of convenince). looking back, i wish I would have waited. we had some bumps because we didn't really know each other as well as we thought we did. it all worked out in the end. but would do it differently if could do it all over again.
Food for thought. still completely your call because you know the situation best!!! good luck!
Side note: so happy for you and all the great changes in your life!! whoot!!!!!!
I moved in with my now-husband after 6 months of dating (out of convenince). looking back, i wish I would have waited. we had some bumps because we didn't really know each other as well as we thought we did. it all worked out in the end. but would do it differently if could do it all over again.
Food for thought. still completely your call because you know the situation best!!! good luck!
Side note: so happy for you and all the great changes in your life!! whoot!!!!!!
5'5" Goal reached, but fighting regain. Back to Basics.
Start Weight 246 Goal Weight 160 Current Weight 183
Starting size: 22, 2x
Current size: 12, L
Exactly... I don't want to risk ruining anything... but it seems silly to have two homes when we really only live in one... it kinda feels like the only way to learn more about him at this point it to live with him... but maybe not.. sigh..
Thanks so much for the side note :-) I have made a ton of changes and like where things are going, but I still fight the food demons... I'm working on it though! You've done amazing things yourself there lady!!!
Thanks so much for the side note :-) I have made a ton of changes and like where things are going, but I still fight the food demons... I'm working on it though! You've done amazing things yourself there lady!!!
Yeah... animals and kids LOVE him... The first time my daughter met him she was totally comfortable with him... she met him at my parents... I was picking her up, she had spent the night, and he came too, to meet them and her... we'd been dating about a month... I wanted to feel sure it was going somewhere before i involved her. We had plans to spend the entire day together the following day, al 3 of us... towards the end of that day he was putting her in her car seat... she only wanted him... and she said "oh S, I just love you so much. You're SO much nicer than my daddy, he always yells at me"... break your heart! He just ignored it and finished buckeling her in.
When we went to his friends house for the first time to hang out there just turned one year ould couldn't get to him fast enough and thier 6 year old was all over him...
He went to a family birthday party for a 4 year old with me this weekend and all the kids there were all over him too... he ended up playing ball with the little boys and stuff...
All of the animals we've encountered like him too... and he even tolerates the cats even though he's allergic :-)
Last week my daughter announced that we should get married, she will be the flower girl and then she can have a baby sister... lol...
When we went to his friends house for the first time to hang out there just turned one year ould couldn't get to him fast enough and thier 6 year old was all over him...
He went to a family birthday party for a 4 year old with me this weekend and all the kids there were all over him too... he ended up playing ball with the little boys and stuff...
All of the animals we've encountered like him too... and he even tolerates the cats even though he's allergic :-)
Last week my daughter announced that we should get married, she will be the flower girl and then she can have a baby sister... lol...
hi kanga003!
first let me say - congrats on all the major accomplishments you've made over the past year. secondly, that you for giving me something else to put my mind on besides my uncomfortable sleeve today. ;-)
i have been a similar pair of shoes - i wasn't divorced - but i had a very young son and had just relocated to a new area. even though i wasn't looking, i met a wonderful man. very attentive, loving, similar background and beliefs, etc. but before my son was born i made a commitment to him that he would be my priority and the next man i was involved with would be my husband.
to this end we focused on developing a strong friendship. we spent a considerable amount of time together as friends. this gave me a chance to see him in a no-dating role - to give more time for his true intentions to surface and for me to determine what my feelings were for him. i grew to love, trust , respect and admire him. we've now been married for 17 years.
i know this may sound corny - but i promise it's the truth. we did end up living together a short while before we got married (forr about a year) - but we dated each other for over a year first. i would just caution you - 2 months is not a long time to get to know someone on a deeper level - we're just too complex for that. and we have to careful as women and care-givers not to give in to the temptation to rescue. i would take a few steps back - allow him to be the man and see how he takes care of his own business without you being a fallback solution - this will give you a better idea of the type of provider he will be for you and your daughter if a long-term relationship is in your future.
hope this helps. :-)
first let me say - congrats on all the major accomplishments you've made over the past year. secondly, that you for giving me something else to put my mind on besides my uncomfortable sleeve today. ;-)
i have been a similar pair of shoes - i wasn't divorced - but i had a very young son and had just relocated to a new area. even though i wasn't looking, i met a wonderful man. very attentive, loving, similar background and beliefs, etc. but before my son was born i made a commitment to him that he would be my priority and the next man i was involved with would be my husband.
to this end we focused on developing a strong friendship. we spent a considerable amount of time together as friends. this gave me a chance to see him in a no-dating role - to give more time for his true intentions to surface and for me to determine what my feelings were for him. i grew to love, trust , respect and admire him. we've now been married for 17 years.
i know this may sound corny - but i promise it's the truth. we did end up living together a short while before we got married (forr about a year) - but we dated each other for over a year first. i would just caution you - 2 months is not a long time to get to know someone on a deeper level - we're just too complex for that. and we have to careful as women and care-givers not to give in to the temptation to rescue. i would take a few steps back - allow him to be the man and see how he takes care of his own business without you being a fallback solution - this will give you a better idea of the type of provider he will be for you and your daughter if a long-term relationship is in your future.
hope this helps. :-)
I couldn't agree more. Sometimes unfortunately, men put on a very good act to make themselves look good early on but their true colors come to light after 6 months or so.
I agree with seeingmyselfthere 100%. The other posters make good sense as well.
If he is the great guy you say he is, he will still be that great guy 6 months from now. No need to rush into anything. 2 months is really not that long. I haven't even had my sleeve for 2 months yet.
Good luck kanga003
I agree with seeingmyselfthere 100%. The other posters make good sense as well.
If he is the great guy you say he is, he will still be that great guy 6 months from now. No need to rush into anything. 2 months is really not that long. I haven't even had my sleeve for 2 months yet.
Good luck kanga003
He sounds very nice and accomodating, but he is truly a stranger. It is impossible to know someone in 2 months. Your daughter is completely dependent on your ablity to keep her safe in every way.
The money you would get from him to pay your bills should not be considered in any situation.
I'd date him for 1 year, and if after a year you feel the same, I'd reevaluate the situation. By then his lease will be up, and you will know him in a way that gives you the tools to make the right decision for your daughter and your sake.
Blessings,
Sharon
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